Chapter 35 ~ Darcy 

Concepción is definitely different from London. Maybe too different and I can’t feel welcome here. It’s like every thing here reminds me this is not my home, even when Lizzie and Mum are here. I know I should be fine, I have my family but that… that is not enough and I feel terrible for thinking like that, but I can’t help it.

Almost three months have passed since we came to Chile and started our lives in Concepción. It’s March and Mum is already working in the university and she is loving it, loving her classes and the atmosphere there. I guess she always wanted to be in this place and this world surrounded by other geologists. Every time she gets home with that smile, hugging Lizzie and I, telling us everything that happened… I can’t tell her I’m not happy here.

Lizzie is learning the language incredibly fast and she even made a friend already. A real friend, not just a little kid that she tolerates as it happened in London. They play almost every day and that is helping her with her Spanish. Besides, Mum allowed her to have a dog, finally, so that has her even happier. It’s a girl and her name is Snow, she’s a Samoyed and Lizzie adores her. Now she is always covered in white fur.

Both, Mum and Lizzie, seem so happy and comfortable, like any cultural shock is gone and they already found their place here, meanwhile I keep longing to go back to London, to have the life I used to have. I try to go out, to make friends, but I suck at Spanish and I have had a few incidents when I’ve tried to say something but I offended them instead. I haven’t made a single friend and I can’t start Uni here as journalism is in Spanish and I can barely write a paragraph in that language. I’m alone at home, and that shouldn’t be new for me, but I’ve never felt this lonely. I only have Snow during the day because Lizzie wanted to start school immediately, so she is not with me anymore. I’ve tried to meet new people, but it’s hard when all I can say is hello to them.

I miss my old life. I miss London, the streets, my house, the weather, the people. I miss Carter, my best friend who is not here to support me anymore. I miss Liam so desperately. While we were together, he made me have a life, doing things I never expected to do and now that I’m here I’m even worse than before. This time is not really my choice to stay behind, I just can’t move on. Every time we video call, I feel my voice shattering, dying to be with him wherever he is. It’s so hard to stay so far away from him while he has to go to different countries and cities.

As they released the new album, they started their new world tour and I’m counting the days until they come to Chile, but there’re still a few months to go and even when he wanted to visit me before the tour started, he couldn’t make it.

I miss him so much I feel my heart breaks every time I think of him, every time I say his name, even if it’s only in my mind. Sometimes I fall asleep at night with tears streaming down my face for the life I can’t have anymore, for the people I left behind. I try to be stronger, I try to get used to this, but I can’t. I just can’t.

Everything is so different here. I go the grocery shop and I see people my age, but they are all in Uni, struggling with their classes whilst I do nothing, nothing but crave for a life that is in my past now. Now I realise how much I want that normality, how much I want to be like them. Now that I could be in Uni as Mum is with us but I can’t because I can’t learn Spanish yet, I realise how much I want to be studying, to be preparing my future. I feel like nothing is my choice anymore but I can’t tell Mum that. I can’t tell Lizzie that.

They are happy. They are home. We are together, but I’m miserable. I don’t want to be here, but I want to be with them. I feel so divided; I don’t know what to do. What I want is not compatible with my family, but I also want my family. I can’t choose. But I feel like an outcast here, like I don’t belong to this new life we started with Mum and Lizzie, I don’t belong in this country or city.

The only time I had a conversation with someone else besides Lizzie and Mum was when a fan of the lads recognised me. She couldn’t believe I was Liam’s girlfriend and that I was there in Concepción. The fact that she spoke English made things easier and I even invited her to have a coffee so I could talk to someone. She was so nice to me, she listened to me and told me that if she wanted to talk to me again, I could call her. She gave me her number and twitter but I haven’t called her and I don’t think I will, though I got Liam to follow her on twitter. He told her thanks for being nice to me.

“How are you doing?” Liam asks me when we’re Skyping before he has to leave for sound-check.

“I’m fine,” I lie. “Today I didn’t take the wrong bus and I made it to the shop. I don’t dare driving yet, though. It’s so hard when people here use the wrong side,” I carry on with a smile that I hope he buys, but he doesn’t. He knows me already.

“Darcy, don’t like to me. I know you’re not fine. You’ve been trying to tell me that for so long and I thought that you needed your space, to get used to it, but you keep lying and I can’t stay aside anymore. Tell me, please,” he begs and I feel my eyes burning with hot tears that want to fall now. I press my lips together in a tight line, trying to get a hold of my emotions. “Darcy, please.”

“I hate it in here, Liam,” I blurt out as the first tears start to fall. I feel terrible for breaking down right now, in a video-call, but I can’t help it. I can’t hold it any longer and I know it must be terrible for him, seeing me like this on a screen and not being able to be with me. I know I would want to cry if it were the other way around. “I feel like I don’t belong here, like every corner in the house screams I’m just a stranger, that I’ll never fit. But Mum and Lizzie are so happy, they did get used to this already, I’m the only one behind now. I’m so alone.” I keep crying, choking in my own words.

“I’m so sorry, Darcy. I wish I could fix this for you,” he says and, even through my blurry sight, I can see that he is in pain, that he’s eyes show concern and frustration. “Have you talked to your mum about it?”

“I can’t, Liam. How can I tell her that her dreamed life is killing me inside? That even when we’re together I’m miserable? I can’t do that to her or to Lizzie. She is happy here, she’s even made friends her age!” I cry out, covering my face with my hands as I break into sobs.

This is why I didn’t want to say all these things out loud, because they break me, because I feel like the pieces of my soul hit the floor as my body shakes in painful sobs.

“Oh my God, Darcy… I… Damn it! Why can’t I be there with you?” He exclaims and I take off my hands of my face and I see him desperately rubbing his hands on his face, ruffling his hair and I feel so terrible for making him go through this.

“I’m so sorry, Liam. I shouldn’t have told you––”

“Don’t say that!” He cuts me off. “I’m your boyfriend and I’m here for you, even if it’s during a video-call and I can’t be physically there to hug you when you need it. I’m here for you as you are there for me, okay?” I can only nod, still trying to calm down my crying. “Love, you need to tell your mum about this. You can’t keep this bottled up inside, it will only make you suffer.”

“I can’t do that, Liam.” The only thought of telling my mum how much I don’t like to be here makes me want to burst into tears again.

“You can and you must, babe. If you’re not happy there, you need to tell her. You can’t be unhappy ‘cos that may made them unhappy. I know this is not natural for you, but you need to think of yourself too, of what you want and need. Maybe it’s not there, Darcy.”

As he says those words, I feel my heart breaking. If I tell Mum and Lizzie that I don’t like here, I’ll break their hearts. I can’t do that! “I promised Lizzie I would never hurt her. Never. I can’t just tell her I don’t like to be here… with them. That will break her heart, Liam. How am I supposed to do that?”

“But then you have to break yours? And what if she finds out that you were unhappy ‘cos you couldn’t tell her the truth? You think that will be nice for her?” I look away, the intensity of his eyes on me, even through a screen, shakes my whole skeleton. “Darcy, you can’t keep quiet.”

“I can… I have to––”

“No you don’t! You think you have to, but you don’t. You can be open and honest with your family. Maybe they can help you, but you are not even giving them the chance!”

“I– I have to go, Liam. I’m sorry,” I blurt out, not capable of keep having that conversation.

“Darcy, don’t––” But I don’t let him finish, I close my laptop before, hanging up the video-call and bursting into tears again.

I don’t like fighting with Liam, I hate it, but… how can I do something that I know it will break my little sister’s heart? If I tell them I hate living here, that I can get over the cultural shock and I miss home, because this doesn’t feel like home to me, I’d be betraying them. I’d be giving up on them and I can’t do that. We’re finally together, like a real family and I can’t ruin that.

I hear a soft knock at my door and I gasp, brushing away all the tears and running to my toilet to wash my face as I shout “in a moment” to whoever is at my door. Probably Mum, Lizzie never knocks. I still have my eyes bloodshot, but I go and open anyways and as expected, it is Mum. Her expression is sombre and when she looks at me, there’s so much sadness in her eyes I’m afraid she heard my conversation with Liam.

“May I come in?” She asks in a low voice and I nod, looking away so she can’t notice I’ve been crying. She walks slowly towards my bed and sits there, but I stay away, next to the door. “I didn’t mean to, but I overheard you with Liam.”

I freeze when she says those words. I raise my hand to cover my mouth, keeping me from saying something stupid.

“Do you really feel like that, Darcy?” She asks but I look away. I can’t lie to her face but I can’t tell her the truth. “Please, sweetie, tell me the truth. I heard you crying.”

“I’m so sorry,” I mutter, fighting to keep the tears at bay.

“Don’t, Darcy. It’s not your fault!” She hurries to say, standing up and closing the distance between us until I feel her arms around me, hugging me tight. “I knew it was going to be harder for you, but if you weren’t feeling fine, you had to tell me. I’m not forcing you to stay here with us.”

“But you two love it here, you two are so happy and I can’t ruin that.”

“But I can’t stand that the price of our happiness is yours. That’s not okay, I can’t let you do that.” I look up at her, I see her own tears running down her cheeks. “I never wanted you to be sad, Darcy, and if this place is making you sad, then maybe you shouldn’t be here.”

“But you are here! And Lizzie,” I protest, more tears on my cheeks.

“And you are an adult. You don’t need us and I want the best for you, and if that’s away from me… I’ll understand.” She strokes my cheeks, brushing away all the tears but more fall down.

“What about Lizzie?” I mumble, barely able to utter the words.

“If you decide you have to leave, that you can’t stay here with us; I’m sure she’ll understand. She is a clever girl,” she replies with a proud smile and I chuckle humourlessly. “You have to decide what you want, Darcy. Don’t let others make your own choices, do what you want to do.”

I press my lips in a tight line again, not knowing what to do yet. This is probably the hardest decision I’ll ever make in my whole life and I’m not sure if I can make it.

-:-:-:-

Two things. First off, this story will have a happy ending. I promise that. This is necessary for Darcy to grow as a character. Second off, this story will have 42 chapters and an epilogue. Yesterday I wrote chapter 41 so yeah... things are a bit better by then ;) Next update this Monday.

Shout out for @StoryTori and @xIzzyhoranx for their birthdays!

Bel, xx