Chapter 22 ~ Liam

When I wake up I feel a bit better, but fatigue still owns my body. I feel like I ran a marathon and now I can barely move. For a few seconds the bliss of ignorance embraces me until I take notice of my surroundings and I remember all what happened last night. All the events come running to my mind and I groan, which makes people around me rise and approach.

I know I have a lot of explanation to receive and give. I never told Darcy about my kidney condition, and truth be told, I honestly believed that I had got better and that I had nothing else to worry about. Guess I was wrong and now that mistake is biting my arse up.

I look to my right and the first person I see is my mum, her teary eyes focused on me with all the worry in the world. She hurries to reach my hand and gives me a gentle squeeze. “How’re you feeling, baby?” She asks with a sweet and concerned tone. “Do you need anything?”

“I’m better, Mum. I’m glad you’re here, but it wasn’t necessary. I’m okay,” I tell her and try to sound convincing, but my voice is still raspy and low, tired.

“Of course it was necessary, Liam! You’re in the hospital, for heaven’s sake. You need me here,” she protests, stubborn as she is. “I grant you many things, but not this one. When your health is in risk, you’ll have to bear with me.”

“You know that’s not what I mean, Mum. I just don’t want you to worry,” I insist, looking in her eyes hoping she can understand what I mean.

She chuckles humourlessly. “Baby, I’m your mother, my job is to worry so now stop trying to tell me what to do.”

I sigh resigned that there’s no way to make her understand that it’s not the big deal, that I’m okay and I’ll be out sooner than she can say my full name. I look over my mum’s shoulder and I see her, still here but watching me from afar, her arms crossed protectively over her belly and there’s a shadow crossing her expression. I immediately know there’s something wrong and all my muscles tense in response.

“Darcy,” I call her softly and she blinks, like she’s just waking up from a dream. Without taking a step closer, she only smiles at me.

Mum turns to around and eyes at her, an understanding look crossing between them and I know Mum knows what is happening with Darcy. “I’ll go for the doctor so he can explain better to you what’s wrong. I’ll be right back,” Mum says squeezing my hand one more time before stepping away and leaving the room, not before giving Darcy an encouraging smile.

“Darcy, what’s wrong?” I ask but she’s still at the other end of the room, as far away from me as possible. But I need her here with me, I need her to look me in the eyes the way she uses to, not like she can’t trust me anymore. My heart feels heavier with every new beat and she doesn’t approach. “Babe, please, tell me what’s wrong,” I beg extending my hand towards her.

Darcy looks a way for a second and seems to shiver before her eyes are on me again and takes a step closer. “You didn’t tell me,” she whispers and I only furrow my brow, trying to know exactly what she means. “You didn’t tell me about your kidney and all what you had to go through as a kid. That’s something important, Liam, no matter if your kidney is working again, that’s something you should’ve told me.”

I bite my lower lip, finally understanding why she is looking at me that way, like I just betrayed her somehow. I want to reach her hand and explain things to her, but she’s not close enough.

“I bet all your fans know about this but you didn’t tell me. I never let Lizzie know more about you all, only the official stuff so I never found out about this and I can’ believe you didn’t tell me. What did you expect from all this? You though I was never going to know?” She’s raising her voice and I know I made a mistake, that I should’ve told her.

“I just– I just thought it was over,” I mumble avoiding her eyes. “And after all this time, I just wanted to feel like a normal guy, you know? I never liked my condition to define me and I thought that if I didn’t talk about it anymore, it would feel like it never happened, that I was just like any other guy.” My confession sounds silly out loud, but I really wanted to feel normal.

“The best way to know you’re over something is when you can talk about that openly, Liam. It’s clear it still weights on you, you were just hiding it.” I hear her taking a step closer and when I look up, she’s next to my bed, her eyes dark with sadness. “When you mum explained it to me I felt like I didn’t know you. What kind of girlfriend doesn’t know this about her boyfriend?”

I look away again, feeling so stupid for keeping this from her when she’s right, it’s something important and the fact that I was hiding it only means I’m not over it yet. And now it’s back to haunt me.

Darcy takes my hand and the contact makes me look at her again, this time worry is the most noticeable emotion in her irises. “Liam, if you want this to work, you need to trust me. I don’t want to feel like I have to google your name to know what’s going on with you.”

“I promise I won’t do it again, Darcy. I won’t hide from you things like this. Never,” I tell her squeezing her hand back and she finally smiles. One of her honest and ever so sweet smiles, with her dimples showing off. A smile that reaches her eyes and makes my heart feel warmer.

In that moment the door opens and my mum and the doctor walk in watching us. Mum’s eyes go from me to Darcy and vice versa and when she sees us holding hands a smile spreads on her lips. “Hello, Liam. How are you feeling today?” The doctor asks politely stopping at the end of the bed taking the file handing there and examining the pages.

“I’m better, still tired, though,” I answer honestly. Mum is at my other side.

“That’s normal. It will take a few days to fully recover, but you’ll be fine soon. However, you will need to be extra careful from now onwards.” I try not to sigh at his words. This is not new to me, I’ve been being ‘extra careful’ all my life, but I really thought that was over, that I could be normal again. “We ran some tests to see what happened but we still need to make a scanner to your kidneys to see their actual state. So far, your blood sample tells us that one of your kidneys failed, probably the same that started to work again last year.”

“But I thought it was fine, the doctor told me that I had my two kidneys back,” I complain, refusing to believe that I have only one functional kidney again.

“This is normal in people with your condition. As sudden as your kidney started working again, it stopped. Probably it could have last longer if you had taken care of you properly. Here your girlfriend told me that you never seemed to follow a special diet and that you used to go clubbing and drinking. That certainly did not help your kidney. Liam, you were very irresponsible in that matter,” he accuses me and I feel Mum’s hand on my shoulder squeezing just as Darcy’s hand grabs tighter mine.

I sigh deeply and look down. It’s my fault; this time it’s really my fault that this happened. I was reckless, I was irresponsible, I didn’t take care of myself like I should have. If I hadn’t tried to be just another regular guy, this probably wouldn’t have happened. I would have my two kidneys working.

“Liam, you need to accept that you can’t have that kind of life, your body can’t take it. If you want to be healthy, you need to stop neglecting your body. Unless you want to end up under dialysis to survive.” My eyes shot wide open, terror overtaking my whole body. That’s the last thing I want, that’s my worst nightmare. “I know it’s not easy for someone your age and probably it’s even harder considering your job, but you have to be careful.”

“I know,” I mumble avoiding his gaze again.

I feel so small and insignificant, like an idiot you just made his worst mistake. This time there’s no one else to flame for this but me, I caused this. If I had only accepted I am not like the lads, that I can’t just go drinking like there’s no tomorrow or going to barbeques, eating with tons of salt and fat.

“I hope you know, Liam. This is not a game, this is your life we are talking about and you need to be responsible.”

I honestly feel like a child being lectured for misbehaving.

“In ten minutes a nurse will come for you to take you to the scanner room. Be ready and after the results we will talk again,” the doctor tells me and I nod. “I am sorry if I’m being to harsh on you, Liam, but you are a young lad and there’s still so much you can do.”

“We appreciate it, Doctor,” Mum says and for the corner of my eye I see the doctor smiling politely before swinging around and leaving the room. I know the worst part hasn’t passed yet. “Liam James Payne, I can’t believe this.”

I sigh deep. The doctor was nice comparing to the way my mum is going to yell at me. Probably Darcy knows this is to come because she squeezes my hand to let me know she’s with me here, though probably she also wants to reprimand me.

“Every times I called you and asked you how you were doing, if you were taking care of youself, you told me that everything as fine. And that was a bloody lie! You weren’t taking care of you! How’s that possible? How could you be so irresponsible! I didn’t raise you like that.”

I know she’s mad and disappointed in me, but most of all, she’s dead worried.

“I’m sorry, Mum. I just wanted to feel completely normal, you know,” I try to explain, begging her with my eyes.

“No, I don’t know! Wanting that brought you here! For how long have you been like this? Since they told you your kidney was back?”

I look away and I know that’s all the answer she need.

“Goodness gracious, Liam! That was over a year ago!” She cries out and I squeeze Darcy’s hand, needing to know she’s with me here. “Have you ever come back to the doctor after that or you just assumed that everything was fixed and perfect?”

Guilt is choking me and I can’t hold Mum’s gaze because I know she has all the right to yell at me. I’ve been a complete arse and even though I’m twenty now, I’ve been acting like I’m fifteen.

“You promised me, Liam.” Her voice sounds strangled, like she’s at the verge of crying and I feel even worse. This doesn’t only affect me, it affects my mum as well. “You promised me you were going to be a good kid and take care of you. You told me you didn’t need me here to take care of you, that you could do it but look at you now, in a hospital after collapsing when the gig was over. You could’ve fainted on stage!”

“I’m sorry,” I blurt out trying to reach her, to calm her down a bit. “I never meant this to happen, Mum. I’m really sorry.”

“Just promise me you won’t do this again. That’s all I ask you, Liam. Don’t do this to yourself again.” It breaks my heart the look in her eyes and the guilt barely allows me to breathe.

I’m about to answer but the nurse walks in with a wheel chair that I know it’s for me. She doesn’t give me time to answer, she’s all business and soon I’m about to be taken to the scanner room. I look at Darcy and she’s smiling encouragingly at me. Finally my eyes land on my mother who still has the worried and hurt expression.

“I promise, Mum,” I say softly when the nurse is pushing me out of the room.  “I won’t do it again.”

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I love this chapter. I love showing how really immature Liam is. It's funny how everyone thinks his mental age is 30 when it actually isn't. Proof? His writing! Your writing says so much about you, it's incredible. Anyways, we're not here to talk about reading and analysing people through writing. i hope you liked the chapter as much as I did.

Bel, xx

PS: Dedication to @SokkaWatertribe because her birthday is this Thursday! Also to @hannahlauren701 for the same birthday and to @KieraBarbaraMarieHal because her birthday was yesterday Wednesday.