Have you ever met someone, that as soon as your eyes fell upon them; they literally took your captivated breath away?

That not one single word has been exchanged between you, but that person has forever left an imprint on your heart?

Twelve years ago that was exactly how I felt when I first saw Will Flynn.

Me and my large group of girlie friends walked into our fave local pub in town, confident and as boisterous as you like. No sooner as I got through the door, my rowdy self was left standing with an O shaped mouth and eyes that were wide with deep longing... Just like that, I was utterly smitten! Will Flynn, unknowingly now held my heart hostage.

"Who has got your attention, Tess?" One of the girls asked.

I swallowed hard, my words lost somewhere within the depths of my captivated throat. "Who is the new barman?" I quietly asked, with my eyes remaining totally fixed on him: dilated and wide with dreamy wonder.

My friend shrugged her shoulders. "I have no idea?"

"He has to be the most beautiful man that I have ever seen." I whimsically whispered.

My friend laughed, pushing into me. "Go and buy yourself a drink, introduce yourself."

I blinked hard, bringing myself down off the cloud I was so sweetly daydreaming on. "Oh I... I couldn't." I stammered, scared by just the thought of it.

"Yes you bloody can. It's not like you to be shy. Besides, gawping at him all night is hardly the greatest of first impressions." She dragged me towards the busy bar. My petite frame got lost in amongst all of the warm bodies who were either waiting to be served or just casually socialising.

It was true, ordinarily I was confident. Yet somehow, this desirous man had rendered me completely paralysed. I became someone who seemed incapable of stringing a simple sentence together. My pounding heart feverishly thudded against my breast, leaving me giddy with nervous anticipation.

I finally managed to squeeze my way through the sea of faces, a definite advantage of being small.
As soon as I reached the bar. I nervously waited to be served. It didn't have to be him that served me, I was just enjoying his glorious profile.

Short dark brown hair, messily tousled on the top with a slight quiff at the front. A defined bone structure that just begged to be caressed with my appreciative fingers. His pale green eyes were an exquisite and unusual shade of caesious, spheres of masculine beauty. Those gorgeously open and captivating windows to his soul, pulled me right into wishful thoughts of being with only him.

My fingers anxiously tapped on the bar. I was just trying to keep my hands busy, trying to look demurely calm. On the inside, I was anything but, bloody calm. Part of me, the confident and vain Tess, was so very desperate for him to look my way. Then the other side of me, the lesser known, insecure and shy Tess, was too afraid to even look at him.

I did try, my very best and casual 'I'm just standing here, innocently looking your way' kind of a stare. It was at that exact moment that our eyes actually collided for the very first and unforgettable time. I coyly smiled, whilst my stomach did crazy somersaults. To my sweet relief he smiled, too. Quickly followed by a delicious double take at me. My heart was now pounding so hard, I was afraid that my breathing would become that erratic, I was actually going to pass out.

Feisty Tess, is yelling at me to get a grip. While the reserved Tess, is whispering calm the fuck down! My own inner argument preoccupied me, as he busily served someone at the far end of the bar. Giving me just enough time to sort myself out.

He then smiled in my direction, as he confidently strode towards me. I honestly felt as though my throat had constricted so tight, I was going to be embarrassingly unable to speak. The simple task of asking for a Vodka and Coke, now seemed too hard a task to complete. Shit! Shit! Shit! I had cursed to myself. Mortified by the thought of tripping up over my words and making a complete stammering fool of myself.

"What can I get you?" He politely asked me, with a interested grin sitting gorgeously crooked on his face.

His eyes really were the brightest spheres I had ever seen. When he looked at me, he 'really' looked at me... You know what I mean?

"Ummm, can I have a Vodka and Coke, please?" I remember feeling so chuffed with myself, for actually managing to string a simple request together.

Once again, he flashed me a charismatic smile. That's when my heart and stomach started having a party together... Who could flip the most in the shortest amount of time.
I really wanted to say something interesting. Something that would make him think I had the WOW factor, but nothing and I mean, NOTHING, sprang to my cloudy little mind.
I was confused, and frankly afraid, by my overwhelming and strong feelings. For someone I had literally just met. I knew nothing about him. I just remember having this urgent need to know EVERYTHING about him.

"There you go." He placed the drink in front of me, with yet another heart-stopping smile.

"Thanks." I threw him a grateful look. A silent thank you for him allowing me to breathe the same air as him. Utterly ridiculous I know, but that was how he made me feel. He totally captivated me. I felt unworthy in his presence. Ordinarily, I was the girl who had a sweet and cocksure attitude that loved to have fun, but with him, I became paralysed and mute. So, to help me from freezing in his presence... I drank more voddies.

****

So that was how it was for about two weeks. Shy and torturous lingering glances, being forever thrown across the bar at one another. I couldn't gauge whether he was just toying with me, but I quickly realised he wasn't like the other bar men. He wasn't like any other man I had ever met before. He was quieter, more genteel. He had a depth to him that was charismatic yet unassuming.

I had to ask around to find out his name, because of being my usual and pathetic self around him, I still hadn't managed to ask him myself. I was eventually told that his name was Will, and it was a name that just seemed to pleasantly roll off my tongue.
So after a stern talking to myself one night, I decided that after a few more drinks... For courage you understand, I decided it was high time that I tried to say hello. Maybe?

Once again, all that passed between us, were many more bashful smiles and stares. I was starting to feel disheartened and angry with myself. Not even the alcohol had any effect on my lack of confidence whenever I was around him. He always affected me like that.

On the evening that I was trying to be brave, it was passing by all too quickly. Feeling frustrated and dejected, I decided to take my, slightly inebriated self, to the toilet. I remember being sat on the loo, silently tell myself off. I done the same, when I looked at my intoxicated reflection. Then, as I'm slowly and sulkily coming up the stairs, he's coming out of the kitchen door. I actually forgot how to bloody breathe!
As I tried to fill my lungs with much-needed air, he stood at the far end of the small and claustrophobic hallway, while I quietly remained frozen at the other. It was like time had stopped, pausing, to let us gawp at one another for just a little while longer. We both awkwardly grinned, walking slowly towards one another; getting closer and closer.
My panicked nerves were actually making me feel sick, yet I hid it all behind a sweet and welcoming smile. "Hello." I shyly tried to make conversation.

He coyly looked at me, tilting his head. "Hello."

"It's Will, isn't it?" I asked, smiling like a fool.

He nodded gently, his eyes warm and bright. "Yes it is, what's your name?"

"Tess." I calmly replied.

He blinked slowly, with the hottest lopsided grin spanning right across his gorgeous face. "Hello Tess." That was when I thought I was literally going to die a happy woman. To hear him actually say my name.

I tried to stand with a confident sexy stance, crossing my legs at the ankles. "You've not worked here long, have you?" I asked, desperately trying to keep my nerves at bay.

He leant against the wall, glancing at me sideways. "No I haven't."

"I didn't think I had seen you before?" I told him, with eyes that wished they could forever stare at him.

Our locked gaze, was one that memorably lingered. He then looked a little embarrassed, so pushed himself away from the wall. "So, are you enjoying yourself?" He asked, seemingly now more nervous than I was.

I watched his every move, sensing that he was quickly losing confidence. "Yes thanks." I replied with an assuring smile.

"So what do you do?" He politely asked, lifting his chin to look at me once again.

"I work in a children's nursery." I told him, with yet another assuring smile.

He smiled with a slightly parted mouth. "Right."

"What do you do?" I asked, keen to find out more about the cutely shy Will.

I remember him putting his hands into his back pockets, looking sweetly boyish as he did it. "I'm hoping to do a degree next year." He replied, proudly.

"Doing what?" I asked with keen interest.

He grinned, looking right back at me. "Engineering and Technology."

"Clever, as well as handsome." I actually wanted to kick myself for letting that comment slip out! With my traitorous compliment, he did his usual and adorable, coy little smirk; before looking down at the floor. Whilst I, just wanted that very same floor... To just swallow me up whole.

He then stood tall, readying himself to leave. "It's nice to meet you, Tess."

I actually felt gutted that he needed to go back to work, ending our brief but sweet conversation. I had so much that I wanted to say, so felt frustrated that we couldn't. For as awkward as it was, it felt so good to have finally met him. In the end, I politely hid that frustration with a warm and parting smile. "You too." I said, with absolute false confidence.

****

That was our ice breaker conversation. Over the next few weeks we gradually began to get closer, which was often hard to do because he was always working behind the bar. One night, he asked me whether he could walk me home. To be honest, if he had asked me to walk into my own impending doom... I would have willingly gone.

I had never met someone who was so gentlemanly and subtly sophisticated. I often wondered what the hell did he ever see in me? Okay, I was modestly attractive. I scrubbed up alright, but I wasn't exactly what you would call a drop dead stunner.

My 5ft 2 inches body, was curvaceous in all the right places... I suppose. I knew how to dress my curves to accentuate what I had. I also knew how to conceal my less than favourable parts. My stomach, being one of them. I was never blessed with a washboard tum... It was very much a Marilyn-esque type of a tum.

My blonde highlights gave my fine hair much more definition. What I lacked in thickness of hair, I made up for with great bone structure. I had killer cheekbones and shapely lips. On many an occasion, my pale blue eyes had admiringly been commented on. Often I was told, that they were pretty or twinkly. My nose was small but not symmetrical, which annoyed the hell out of me. I only ever noticed it in photographs, hence why I hated having my picture taken.

I was a small girl with a big personality, but always seemed unable to reveal my true self to Will. Although we were certainly making progress, I was SO not used to a man so restrained and respectful. I didn't value myself enough to think that I deserved a man, so restrained and respectful.

Standing outside of my house, we finally shared our first kiss. It was sweetly clumsy. Although I'd had better first kisses, I felt something special pass between us. It didn't feel like a mature locking of lips. At the time, I was 25 and he was 22. It felt more like a teenage seedling of love, being grown with an innocent and pure kiss.

He walked me home the following week after that, still, he was the perfect gentlemen. I was starting to feel frustrated and more than ever confused. The lack of him trying to rip my clothes off on my doorstep, made me question what he truly felt for me. Only, I was too afraid to ask, for fear of the answer that I would get. So I kept all of that frustration within, letting it inwardly fester inside of me. Infecting everything that Will and I, had.

The less he tried to touch me, the more restless I became. The whole 'I'm not worthy thing' came into my mind and taunted my every waking thought. It had convinced me that although he liked me, he just didn't like me enough to sleep with me.

Not many people knew that I wrote poems and because of my overwhelming feelings, I started to write down my thoughts about him in poems and verse. When I showed him some of my poems he was genuinely interested, impressed even. No man had ever been interested in my writing, but Will loved the fact that I wrote what was in my heart.

"There is more to you than meets the eye, isn't there, Tess?" I'll never forget that single sentence he once said to me.

That side of me, I freely let him see. He understood the real me. He knew that deep down, the Tess that I strutted around on show with, was not always the real me. There were layers to myself, that not even my friends had unwrapped... Yet somehow, his instincts were peeling them slowly away from me. That scared the shit out of me. I could allow him to see the creative side of me, but felt too afraid, to reveal all the other sides of me. I think that was why, I sometimes shut down around him. It was my pathetic self preservation, protectively kicking in.

I hid the needy and insecure parts of myself from everyone, very well. With an alcoholic mother and an absent father. I had learnt to suppress those weak traits, but Will brought them all to the surface without giving me time to prepare myself.

I knew that I was falling for him and that terrified the shit out of me. He was a beautiful man, both on the inside and out. At the time, I just couldn't bear the thought of his rejection, so instead, I hitched a ride to 'Self Destruct.'

****

The night that eventually changed everything, still makes me feel nauseous and disappointed with myself. Even after all these years, it is still too painful a thing to think about.

That fateful night, I was on a mission to enjoy myself. To act as flirtatiously as I possibly could with Will. I was determined to get him to throw down his feelings for me, once and for all. It was working a treat. I was tipsy, but not a mess. I wanted him, and I needed him to know that. I wanted him to walk me home and finally rip my clothes off on my doorstep. I wanted us to commit our bodies and minds to one another. I needed more from him.

However, all of our cheeky flirting got the attention of Mr. Saturday Night Shag. He was the bar manager. He wasn't overly attractive but what he lacked in looks, he made up for with a shit load of arrogant confidence. I'd never even been close on his shag radar before. I wasn't as gullible or as naive, as all of the other girls he always managed to successfully work his charms on.

This guys ego was almost as big as his list of girls who had foolishly succumbed to his self assured cockiness. I suddenly became a challenge for him. He wanted me to notice him and forget all about Will. At first, I wasn't interested. So I just smiled sweetly and kept flirting with Will. I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy all the attention that I was getting. I happily watched them both vying for my attention. For someone who is so quietly insecure, it was a big fucking deal at the time.

Somewhere along the line, though... It all started to fall apart. I don't know whether it was because Will thought I was enjoying Ed's obvious attempts to seduce me, way too much. Or he saw that self destructing side of me and wanted no more part of it. Whatever his reasons were, at some point he stepped back. The fooling around had gone too far. He became solemn and subdued, which only made Ed even more keen to seal the deal with me.

Near the end of the night, Ed called me over. I watched how Will's eyes narrowed as our heads got close together as he whispered in my ear. "The next song, I'm dedicating to you." My intrigued eyebrow rose with interest at Ed's lustily said words.

The tune was 'Would You Go To Bed With Me' by Touch and Go. The vibe in the pub was buzzing, and after one too many vodkas, Ed and his wicked grin became increasingly more attractive. I know I should have spurned his advances and ran for the fucking hills, but I was in self destruct mode, remember? Will was feeling something, it was written all over his tortured face. I honestly believed he would do something about it, that he would fight for me.

As the pub got emptier, so did my heart. Will looked devastated when Ed wrapped his sneaky arms around me. I just wanted to throw mine around Will's, as he sadly cleared the bar.
Ed was being brash and cocky. Smug and bold. Even as I sat there listening to the crap coming out of his cocky and crude mouth, I still remained there. You'd think it would have been enough for me to walk away from Ed, when I saw Will's crestfallen face, but I was being selfish; an insecure little bitch who still wanted him to fight for me. I wanted him to fight for us. No one had ever fought for me, not even myself. Looking back, I was putting Will in an impossible situation. He didn't understand why I was doing what I was. The only thing he understood, was how it felt.

At some point, all the staff were sat around the table. Will joined us, quietly sitting at the end of it; coldly staring in my direction. I kept evading his strong eye contact, but I could feel his disapproval being thrown at me with invisible daggers. The one and only time that I did look at him, is a moment that I will keep with me until I take my very last breath.

He silently mouthed to me. "Why are you going with him?"

That right there, should have been enough for me to get the hell out of there... But oh no! Not me! I was doing the whole self destruct thing, in destroying fucking style. So, I indignantly shrugged my shoulders, and looked away from him.

No one heard what he asked me. I was too bloody-minded and stubborn to stop and think about why he had asked me that question. I just remember, that right at that moment; I was hurting, and I wanted him to hurt, too. He wasn't going to fight for me. He wasn't going to fight for us. So I had nothing left to lose. The rest as they say, is ashamed history.

That night, I slept with Ed.