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CHAPTER 8

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YOUR fate is in your own hands, and your destiny is up to you to decide—I've always believed that. I always told myself that my life is up to me. But seeing how the pages of my life were turning, I guess it's not true.

If my destiny and fate were up to me, this wouldn't have happened. Hindi magiging ganito ang buhay ko. Hindi ko ginusto ang mga nangyari. Someone else decided that this would be my life.

Sa aking palagay, ang 19th birthday ko ang breakpoint ng buhay ko. It triggered how the dice of my life and the roulette of my fate would roll. Iyon ang magdidikta kung mananalo o matatalo ba ako. At malas ko lang dahil hindi pumabor sa akin ang ikot ng dice at ng roleta.

Umikot ako sa kama. Hindi pa rin ako lumalabas ng bahay kahit ilang linggo na ang nakalilipas. Hanggang ngayon ay wala pa ring magandang balita mula sa mga awtoridad. Pakiramdam ko'y binigo nila ako.

Perhaps I was growing impatient. But can they blame me? I have experienced something horrific that no one deserves—not me, not another person, no one.

Ayokong umalis dito. Pakiramdam ko'y nasa labas siya at nakamasid sa bawat kilos at galaw ko—hinihintay na mahulog ako sa kanyang patibong at maulit ang lahat. Pakiramdam ko'y nawalan ako ng gana sa mundo. Ayokong mag-isip. Ayokong kumilos.

I felt tired and useless. Sa tanang buhay ko, ngayon ko lamang naramdaman na parang wala akong kwentang tao. Na hindi ko deserve ang mabuhay ngayon.

Naalimpungatan ako sa pagtunog ng cellphone sa ibabaw ng bedside table. Kinuha ko ang cellphone na pinahiram sa 'kin ni Jonas dahil nasira ang akin noong araw na 'yon.

Noong una ay ibinili ako ni Jonas ng bagong cellphone pero tumanggi ako. I won't take advantage of us being best friends kahit na may nararamdaman siya sa 'kin. Kaya para hindi raw bago ang akin at hindi ako ma-pressure, 'yong ginagamit na niya ang pinahiram sa akin at siya na ang gumagamit ng bagong cellphone.

Binuksan ko ang lock ng cellphone at may mensahe galing kay Jonas.

"Good morning, Lilo. Pupunta ako sa SM ngayon, may gusto kang ipabili? :)"

After all that has happened, how could he stay beside me? I've been abused. I feel dirty, I feel worthless. I shouldn't even exist anymore pero naiisip ko si Mama. I don't want to leave her alone in this world. Ako na lang ang mayro'n siya at kung pipiliin kong maglaho, lalo lamang akong makasasakit.

I've been emotionally and mentally scarred but I would be leaving a bigger scar on her and I don't think she would be able to recover from it. I fear that she would do the same.

I simply responded with, "Wala po." Alam kong pupunta pa rin siya rito at ibibili ako ng kung anu-ano. He's been doing it everyday. At kahit maging cold ako sa kanya, nanatili siya.

Tinatamad akong bumangon at itinali ang mahaba at magulo kong buhok. Isinuot ko ang aking tsinelas at lumabas ng kwarto. Dumeretso ako sa salas kung saan nakakalat ang mga art supplies ko. Hinahayaan ako ni Mama dahil gustong-gusto niyang nakikitang nagpipinta ako. Pero mula no'ng araw na 'yon, hindi ko pa muling nahahawakan ang kahit anong gamit ko sa painting.

Alam kong kailangan ko na muling bumalik sa pagpipinta para may maibenta. The bills won't be paying itself.

Ever since that day, my life changed completely.

Nakita kong muli sa lamesa ang brochure na ilang beses nang binanggit ni Mama. Gusto niya akong pumunta roon dahil may councelling service raw na alam niyang makatutulong sa 'kin doon. May nakausap na raw siya ro'n at kahit anong oras ay pwede akong magsimula.

L.M. Foundation—LET ME Foundation. For the nth time, my eyes read their purpose, 'to support and enhance the lives of people with a disability by enabling opportunities for inclusion, choice, and achievement in society, with the community for their future.'

What a bluff.

Hindi na ako magtataka kung puro mayayaman lamang ang naririto. Walang lugar do'n ang mga kagaya kong kinakailangang kumayod para makabayad ng bills. Hindi ako naniniwalang makatutulong sila sa sitwasyon ko. Ilang session man ang gawin, alam kong pag-aaksaya lamang ng pera ang mangyayari sa mga ganito. And they are targeting PWD's? Don't kid me.

Inilapag ko ito sa lamesa. I don't feel like going. Hindi nila ako maiintindihan. The justice system has failed me. Ito pa bang organisasyong ito?

Like my normal routine, I grabbed the phone and played random music. It might be a complete coincidence when it started playing "Lost Boy" by Ruth B. I felt like it matched my current feelings.

Inilapag ako ang cellphone at nagdadalawang-isip na inabot ang brush mula sa lalagyan.

There was a time when I was alone
Nowhere to go and no place to call home
My only friend was the man in the moon
And even sometimes he would go away, too

Huminga ako ng malalim at kinuha ang bowl kung sa'n ko inilalagay ang tubig na panglinis ng brush. Kumuha ako ng blangkong canvas at inayos ito sa easel. I squeezed some of the acrylic paint on my tray.

I was hesitant to fold my black long sleeves. Kapag nakikita ko kasi ang aking mga braso ay parang hawak-hawak pa rin niya ako. Kahit kapag ako'y naliligo, parang naroon ang kanyang mga kamay at pinipiit ako. Sa huli, hinayaan ko na lamang ang mga ito.

Then one night, as I closed my eyes
I saw a shadow flying high
He came to me with the sweetest smile
Told me he wanted to talk for awhile
He said, "Peter Pan, that's what they call me
I promise that you'll never be lonely, " and ever since that day

My right hand was shaking profusely. Ginamit ko ang kaliwang kamay ko upang mapatigil ang panginginig ng kamay ko at muntik ko pang mabitawan ang brush. Ilang malalalim na paghinga rin ang aking pinakawalan.

I am a lost boy from Neverland
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan
And when we're bored we play in the woods
Always on the run from Captain Hook
"Run, run, lost boy," they say to me
Away from all of reality

I started sliding the brush on to the canvas, slowly filling it with black on the white sheet. Parang may nakikita akong imahe at iyon ang gusto kong maipinta. Gumuguhit ako nang walang kasiguraduhan.

Pinipilit ko ang sarili kong malimutan ang mukha niya noong pinipinta ko 'to. Pilit kong nililipat sa ibang bagay at ideya.

Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free
Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free

I dabbed the brush on the blue paint and made fine strokes. Nararamdaman ko pa rin ang panginginig ng kamay ko at pilit ko pa ring nilalabanan ang takot sa dibdib ko.

He sprinkled me in pixie dust and told me to believe
Believe in him and believe in me
Together we will fly away in a cloud of green
To your beautiful destiny
As we soared above the town that never loved me
I realized I finally had a family
Soon enough we reached Neverland
Peacefully my feet hit the sand
And ever since that day

Napatigil ako sa pagpipinta at napatitig sa magulong mga kulay sa canvas. My thoughts were playing on me again. It might be bad to run away but I feel like it's the only way out of the mess in my life.

I am a lost boy from Neverland
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan
And when we're bored we play in the woods
Always on the run from Captain Hook
"Run, run, lost boy," they say to me
Away from all of reality

Ramdam ko ang pag-init ng aking mga mata at pagbilis ng tibok ng aking puso. Ilang beses akong napahihinto sa pagpipinta dahil naaalala ko ang nangyari no'ng araw na 'yon.

Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free
Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free

I looked at my painting progress and it looked like a mess at first glance. I've come to realize na hindi talaga perpekto ang mga pinipinta ko. There are strokes over strokes of paint and I just didn't care. Maybe, my art wasn't supposed to be perfect.

Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, Wendy Darling
Even Captain Hook, you are my perfect story book
Neverland, I love you so
You are now my home sweet home
Forever a lost boy at last

Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, Wendy Darling
Even Captain Hook, you are my perfect story book
Neverland, I love you so
You are now my home sweet home
Forever a lost boy at last
And for always I will say

Habang nakikinig sa musika ay hindi ko mapigilang mapaisip kung pwede bang pumunta na lang din ako sa Neverland? Baka sakaling hindi na maging ganito kabigat ang nasa dibdib ko. Baka sakaling hindi ko na maalala ang ginawa niya. Baka sakaling malimutan ko ang lahat.

I am a lost boy from Neverland
Usually hanging out with Peter Pan
And when we're bored we play in the woods
Always on the run from Captain Hook
"Run, run, lost boy, " they say to me
Away from all of reality

Ilang beses kong pinahid ang mga luha sa sulok ng aking mga mata. My chest felt heavy and my eyes felt sore. Pagod na 'kong umiyak.

Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free
Neverland is home to lost boys like me
And lost boys like me are free

To my surprise, the music was on repeat. Hinayaan ko ito. I was feeling so engrossed with the lyrics while painting. Hinahayaan kong makontrol ng kamay ko ang bawat kumpas ng brush. Ilang beses na ring umulit ang kanta at alam kong oras na ang lumilipad.

Nang matapos ko ang painting, inilapag ko ang gamit sa mesa at napaupo. I wrapped myself in a tight hug. Namamasa na naman ang mga mata ko at hindi ko na nakontrol pa iyon. Bumuhos muli ang aking mga luha. Hindi ko na namalayang kinukusot ko na ang aking mukha gamit ang sleeves ng damit ko. Hindi pa nakarerekober ang mga mata ko sa kaiiyak nitong nakaraan pero heto at humahagulgol na naman.

I looked up at the painting. It was a portrait of a woman with closed eyes with ash-cloured hair and peach skin tone. She had the wings of an elegant Ulysses butterfly but they had one big difference—the butterfly's wings were unscathed and beautiful while hers were burning and falling to pieces. Mapula ang labi at mala-rosas ang talukap at pisngi ng babae ngunit hindi dahil sa koloreteng pampaganda. Mga pasa itong kinikimkim sa kanyang loob. Her red dress flowed naturally with her desire to remove all the harsh parts of her past.

A single blue rose decorated her ash-coloured hair. In the field of red thorny roses, a single blue rose existed. Perhaps, that's me... excluding the 'beautiful' part. Perhaps, this is me. Sa isang mundong maraming pare-pareho at gulo, there was me. The me who's trying to isolate from the word to be away from all the pain... or maybe I'm thinking too much about it already. Ewan. Hindi ko na rin alam.

Napayakap ako sa aking sarili. Hindi ko na rin maintindihan kung anong dapat kong maramdaman ngayon.

I suddenly felt something getting placed on my shoulders. I looked up and saw Jonas kneeling beside me and placing his hoodie on me. Nakapako ang tingin niya sa canvas na may pagkamangha. Nililibot ng kanyang mapupungay na mga mata ang bawat sulok.

"It's beautiful," bulong niya bago lumingon sa 'kin. "Ang ganda talaga ng mga gawa mo."

Umiling ako sa kanyang papuri. Para sa 'kin ay hindi 'yon maganda. The painting spoke of misery and pain. It showed destruction and fears. It depicted loathe. The actual words for my painting were always going to be different from someone else's eyes and thought process. It's not that it's wrong, but it's not the actual reason. At hindi ko sila masisisi na iba ang nakikita at interpretasyon nila.

"Maybe you think it's ugly and I'm spouting bullshit nonsense again, Lilo." Napaangat muli ang aking mukha at nakatingin siyang muli sa painting. "But for me, it's beautiful. Knowing you, baka negative ang inspiration nito but my answer would still be the same." Lumingon siyang muli sa akin at malinaw sa mga mata ko ang determinasyon sa kanyang mga mata. "Kagaya mo, it's beautiful."

I felt a silent thug on my chest as my heart palpitated wildly with his stare.

Hinawakan niya ang aking kamay at inalalayang akong tumayo.

"It's okay to cry and hurt, Corliss." Pinunasan niya ang aking mga luha. "Siguro hindi ko maiintindihan ang nararamdaman mo dahil ikaw ang biktima. Nangyari sa 'yo ang isang bagay na hindi dapat. But believe me when I say that I am also furious. Kung pwedeng ilagay ang hustisya sa aking mga kamay ay nagawa ko na. Kung 'yon ang kailangan para maibalik ko ang dating saya at sigla mo ay gagawin ko. But please—" Lumapit siya ay ginawaran ako ng mahigpit na yakap.

It was tight and warm but it was not suffocating. Iyon ang klase ng yakap na nagbibigay ng kasiguraduhan. If I was a cartoon character, siguro pareho kami ni Mama na si Olaf ng Frozen. I like warm hugs.

"—please don't hate yourself."

Nanlaki ang aking mga mata sa kanyang sinabi. Iyon ba ang nakaguhit sa aking mukha? ...sa aking ekpresyon? Marahil ay tama siya. Marahil ay umaapaw ang pagkadisgusto ko sa aking sarili.

Naglagay siya ng distansya sa aming dalawa at namayani ang katahimikan.

Inabot ko ang papel at nagsulat. Gusto kong malaman kung bakit nananatili siya rito sa tabi ko. Marami na siyang pagkakataong umalis at iwan ako. Dahil kung naaawa lamang siya, pakiramdam ko ay mas mainam na umalis na lamang siya para isang bagsakan na lamang ang sakit.

He may be my best friend but I don't want pity from anyone—not even from him.

'Bakit ginagawa mo 'to?'

Nakita ko ang pagtatagpo ng kanyang mga kilay bago nangunot ang noo, pilit iniintindi ang aking tanong bago sumibol ang isang malambing na ngiti. Hindi 'yon ang ngiti na pang-scam sa babae. It was genuine. It was real.

"Bakit? Tinatanong pa ba 'yan?" Bigla niyang pinisil ang ilong ko kaya't napangiwi ako sa sakit nang bitawan niya. Nginisian niya ako.

"Mahal kaya kita!"

Again, his words were so straightforward that I knew he wasn't kidding around. It screamed of confidence—something I am greatly lacking.

Hinawakan ni Jonas ang mga kamay ko at marahang pinisil. "Alam kong nasasaktan ka pa. I know you're bleeding. I know you're hurting badly, and it pains me to see you broken." Marahan niyang pinisil muli ang aking kamay. "It will take time to heal but I won't leave your side, Corliss. Sasamahan kita. Kahit anong mangyari, dito lang ako."

Pinagdikit niya ang mga noo namin. Halos maduling ako sa sobrang lapit ng mga mukha namin.

"Kung iniisip mong napipilitan ako, stop it. Pagdating sa 'yo, hindi ako napipilitan. Narito ako kasi gusto ko... kasi gusto kita."

What did I do to deserve my best friend?

"Alam kong nasabi ko na sa 'yong gusto kita pero huwag mong sobrang pakaisipin 'yon sa ngayon. Mas gugustuhin kong sarili mo muna ang unahin mo and I'll be the best friend who will always be here for you. Don't ever forget that, okay?" Tumango-tango ako sa sinabi niya.

I closed my eyes and felt his comforting hug once again.

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