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CHAPTER 1

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HOLDING ON TO the paintbrush, I was letting my hands do the talking with the canvas. Bawat linya, bawat hugis, bawat kulay-they were changing a dull canvas into something beautiful, something I even consider magical.

Gustong-gusto ko talaga ang pagpipinta. Simula pa noong bata ako, hilig ko na talaga 'to. It calms me down and puts my mind at ease. Hindi ko rin kinakailangang magsukat o magkalkula. I just need my mind to wander off and let my hand act it out.

A smile grew on my face when Daughtry's 'Life After You' started playing from my phone. I've always been a fan of their music. It's just... amazing. Ewan, I can't think of the exact words to describe it. Basta! I love listening to their music.

Ten miles from town
And I just broke down
Spitting out smoke on the side of the road
I'm out here alone

Patuloy ang pagtugtog ng musika. I was doing small swaying movements together with the beat and the rhythm. Kahit ang suot kong apron ay sumusunod sa maliliit kong galaw. Pinabayaan ko rin ang kulay na gumuhit sa aking braso. Feeling ko tuloy ay may music video ako at ito ang tugtog.

Just trying to get home
To tell you I was wrong, but you already know
Believe me, I won't stop at nothing to see you
So I've started running

I dipped my brush on the bright yellow paint and slid it on the canvas—tapping and making irregular strokes. Hinahayaan kong pumatong ang ilang butil ng dilaw sa ibabaw ng ibang kulay. It made it more natural.

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
And I think that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life af—

Nagulat ako nang biglang maglaho ang musika at may tumawag sa akin.

"Nice moves there, Corliss."

I turned and saw my twenty-year-old best friend, Jonas, with a wide grin on his face. I rolled my eyes at him. Ilang beses na naman niya akong nakitang umuugoy kasabay ang mga musika kaya hindi na ako nahihiya kapag nakikita niya ako.

"May kailangan tayong pag-usapan," sabi niya sabay ang pagkrus ng mga braso sa dibdib. He was wearing his usual get-up-white V-neck shirt and jeans. Nagtaas ako ng kilay para malaman kung anong gusto niyang pag-usapan... It's not like I can talk though.

"Wala ka pa raw plano para sa 19th birthday mo?" Lumapit siya at umupo sa bakanteng upuan katabi ng canvas ko. I saw how his Adam's apple moved with every word he muttered.

I rolled my eyes at him with his question... and to make sure he didn't see me observing him. Nilagay ko ang paintbrush sa baso ng tubig ba may pinaghalo-halo nang pintura. Inabot ko ang mini whiteboard at nagsulat saka iniharap sa kanya.

Wala.

"So I heard," sarkastiko niyang sambit. "Alam mo bang excited pa naman si Tita na ipaghanda ka ulit?"

I rolled my eyes at him. Alam ko naman 'yon. We're talking about my mom.

Pumayag ako last year na maghanda kami sa bahay dahil 18th ko. It was simple though. I wasn't even wearing anything grand, just my usual black V-neck T-shirt and denim jeans-the opposite of what Jonas regularly wears.

I like wearing my black shirts but I'm not a goth nor an emo. Pabor sa 'kin ang itim kasi kapag nadumihan ay hindi halata. Being a painter, it's inevitable to get dirty. Si Jonas naman... well, he just said that since we're best friends, we're yin and yang. Ika niya, we're opposite forces that are interconnected and counterbalancing. Malakas ang trip niya sa buhay at hinayaan ko na lamang.

"Come on, Corliss. It'll be fun," dagdag pa niya.

I shook my head. I am not a party person and never will be. Wala rin namang masyadong imbitado noong nag-18 ako-si Jonas, ilang mga kaklase namin, tsaka ibang co-teachers ni Mama. Pero this year, ayokong mag-party. Tsaka what's special about turning nineteen? Wala naman ah.

Mas pabor pa sa akin na regaluhan na lang nila ako ng art supplies para patuloy akong may pagkakitaan at pagkaabalahan.

Sa halip na sagutin siya ay tumalikod ako at bumalik sa pagpipinta. I held my brush and damped it to the red paint from the palette I was holding with my left hand.

"Hoy, Lilo!"

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. There he goes, calling me with my nickname Lilo in a weird pronunciation.

Kung hindi ko lang best friend 'tong si Jonas, baka nasapak ko na.

He gave me that stupid grin again. Hindi ko itatangging gwapo ang best friend ko. Matangkad, maputi, mapupungay ang mga mata... basta! The list goes on. Maraming may gusto sa kanya pero NGSB pa rin siya. I asked him about it pero ang sabi niya hindi raw siya nagagandahan sa kanila. At noong tinanong ko kung anong klase ng babae ang gusto niya, tiningnan lang niya ako at hindi binigyan ng sagot. I never dared to ask that question again.

"Anong pinipinta mo ngayon?" Tanong niya na tinutukoy ang ginagawa ko.

I threw him an 'are you serious' look. Alam kong nandito siya para guluhin ako sa nalalapit kong birthday at nagtatagumpay siya. Of all people, he knows how much I don't like getting pressured on a topic. Swerte niya kasi 'di ako makakalaban ng asaran o sigawan sa kanya.

Pinamaywangan ko siya at inilahad ang kamay ko sa harap ng malaking canvas. Singlaki ito ng 75" na T.V. Tumayo siya at lumapit sa kinatatayuan ko. Pinagkrus muna niya ang mga braso bago inilagay ang isang kamay sa may baba at animo'y nag-iisip ng malalim at sinusuri ang aking ginagawa.

"Well, I can see a waterfall and wildflowers."

Duh.

If I could talk, I would have hit him hard-really hard-para matauhan siya at maalog ang utak. Baka sakaling tumigil siya sa pang-aasar sa akin.

Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mga mata. Parang hindi ako kilala nito. Itinuro ko ang kabilang mesa na puno ng art supplies. The room wasn't that big so he could see the surroundings clearly already. Puno man ng kalat ang mesa ko dito sa art studio dahil sa dami ng gamit ko sa pagpipinta, mapapansin niya agad ang subject at inspiration ng ginagawa ko.

Sinilip niya ang direksyon na 'yon at nakita ko ang maliit na ngiting sumilay sa kanyang mga labi.

"A music box?" Hindi makapaniwala niyang tanong.

Uhh, Lord, please let me have more patience with my best friend, I prayed at the back of my mind.

Bahala na siya. Work comes first. Pinagpatuloy ko ang pagpipinta ng mga bulaklak. The bright yellow is really eye-catchy like what the client wants. Then I plan to add shades of red and hint of purple and-

"I still don't get it," muling pagputol ni Jonas sa aking iniisip.

Hinarap ko siya na nakatayo na pala sa harap ng magulong mesa at hawak na ang music box. He twisted the knob before opening it and Beethoven's Fur Elise started echoing in the four corners of this room.

Nang matapos ang musika ay lumingon siyang muli sa akin. "Ang layo naman para maging connected sa waterfalls 'to?"

I rolled my eyes again at him. Inilapag ko sa mesa ang mga hawak ko. Kinuha ko ang mini whiteboard ko at nagsulat ng ubod ng laking mga titik, 'adik ka?'

"Hey, I'm sorry. I'm just so confused."

I noticed how closely he observed me while I wrote down my words. Silence enveloped us. 'Hindi naman kasi 'yan! Para sa ibang project 'yan!'

"E ano pala?"

Lumapit ako sa mesa. In front of the bottles of paint and thinners, I took the grey stone with a flower engraved in the middle. Halos katabi lang 'to ng music box pero nalampasan pa rin ng mga mata niya.

Inabot ko ang bato sa kanya na kaagad naman niyang tinanggap. He inspected the rock in all sides. Feeling professional na naman 'tong best friend ko.

"Bato ang inspiration mo?"

'It's not just an ordinary stone. It's from a client's house.'

"And-?"

'She wants to relive the memory of that place.'

"And you got the place already in your head just with a stone?"

'No, stupid. The colors are inspired by that rock. Uso mag-search sa Google at Facebook nung client.' It was the most truthful answer I could give him.

This time, siya naman ang nag-react. He was grinning from ear to ear while trying to cover his face.

Finally! Naintindihan na niya. Napatikhim siya at pansin ko kung paano namula ang kanyang tainga.

Typical Jonas.

"Yung isang painting tapos na ba?" Pag-iiba niya agad ng tanong at usapan. Tsk.

Umiling ako. Tatlo ang projects ko this month na sure na mga pagawa for display. Mayroon akong isa na para sa aking sarili at si Jonas pa lamang ang nakakakita.

"Patingin! Malaki na ba progress mo ro'n?"

I raised my hand and told him that there's been a little progress. He still insisted on seeing it. Parang araw-araw ay gusto niyang makita iyon kahit wala namang pagbabago.

Lumabas kami ng Art Studio A at pumunta sa B kung sa'n nakalagay ang mga personal paintings. Buti na nga lang at mababait ang mga Art Students dito sa university kasi hinahayaan nila akong gamitin ang studio nila para magpinta kapag nasa klase sila.

Laking pasasalamat ko rin na nag-work out ang pag-oonline study. 'Di masyadong hassle kapag may mga kliyenteng gustong magpagawa ng paintings.

Online study rin ang ginagawa ni Jonas. We're both doing our Accounting degree but he's a year older and I'm just studying part-time as plan B of my life. Plan A is to keep doing what I love to do most-painting. Pero kung hindi darating ang opportunity, I want to have that plan to be secured.

Simula noong pumasok ako sa high school ay binebenta ko na ang mga paintings ko para makapag-ipon para sa pag-aaral ko tsaka makatulong kay Mama.

Teacher si Mama sa grade two at three. Science at Arts ang tinuturo niyang subjects. Sa kanya ko nakuha ang hilig ko sa pagguhit at pagpipinta. Kahit na may kamahalan ang ilang gamit, sinusuportahan niya ako sa aking mga hilig kaya noong napuno na ng mga tapos na canvas sa bahay, pinili kong ibenta ang mga ito para makapag-ipon at makabawi kay Mama.

She was initially disheartened with my decision to sell my artworks. Ika niya, they're too beautiful to go somewhere else. Gusto niyang itago lahat sa bahay for personal viewing. So I told her that since she thinks it's that beautiful, it's better to be shared to the others and maybe, just maybe, my talent will get noticed and she won't have to work extra hard for the two of us. Kahit man lang sa art supplies ko ay ako na ang gumastos.

I know it's a lame excuse to use but being mute has made a lot of things difficult. I was born with a neurological disability which made me this way. Kahit papa'no, nagpapasalamat ako na kahit pipi ako, matalas naman ang ibang senses ko. Malinaw ang aking paningin at pandinig.

Being an observer and a listener never became an issue to me. In fact, they're assets of mine. Kahit papaano, I was still lucky to have only lost my voice.

To be honest, I can't imagine how my world would be if I didn't have my other senses. I've been mute my whole life but if my sense of sight, hearing, or touch would be taken away from me, I don't know how I would cope up with my life-let alone, I wonder how my mother would be taking care of me while trying to survive in her everyday life.

Kaya saludo ako hindi lamang sa mga disabled na kagaya kong nagpupursigi na mabuhay nang normal pero pati na rin sa mga nag-aalaga sa kanila.

Still, I wonder what my voice would sound like if I had it. Would it be soft and warm to the ears? Would it be high-pitched? Would it be—

"Lilo!"

Biglang naputol ang malalim kong pag-iisip nang maramdaman kong tumama ang mukha ko kung saan. Pero sa halip na ako ang masaktan, si Jonas ang ngumiwi sa sakit.

Nanlaki ang aking mga bilugang mata nang mapagtanto ang nangyari. Ang noo ko dapat ang tatama sa ding-ding ngunit iniharang n'ya ang kamay para 'di ako mauntog.

'Why?' I mouthed at him, forgetting I was hugging my mini whiteboard.

"Ha?" Kita ko ang kalituhan sa kanyang mukha. "Tinatanong mo ba kung bakit ko ginawa 'yon? Bakit ko iniharang ang kamay sa noo mo?"

Tumango ako.

Lumapit siya na may malapad na ngiti sa mukha. He raised his hand and lightly pressed my nose bridge, with his face not too far from mine. "Tinatanong pa ba 'yan? No matter when or where, I always got your back and front, Lilo," nakangiti niyang sagot. Kinurot ko siya sa tagiliran kaya't lalo siyang natawa.

"But seriously though..."

I waited for his next words. Pakiramdam ko kalokohan na naman ang sasabihin niya.

"Gawa ba sa semento ang noo mo? Akala ko mababali ang kamay ko!" Seryoso niyang sambit. Batid ko ang pagpipigil niya ng tawa hanggang makapasok kami sa kabilang studio.

I rolled my eyes at him before silently snickering and shaking my head. I was right. Why am I not surprised?

This is what I like about my goofy best friend. No matter how crazy his remarks are, he becomes serious and reliable when he needs to. Masyado na nga yata akong nagiging dependent sa kanya.

Hindi naman maiiwasan 'yon, 'di ba? Magkasama na kami ng ilang taon at parang tatalunin pa niya si Mama sa pagsuporta sa aking pangarap na maging isang painter. I'm lucky with my best friend.

I hope... I hope that he'll soon be matched with someone who deserves him.

"You're not going to keep this?" Jonas asked while closely looking into the canvas on his hands.

Umiling ako. I rarely keep any of my latest paintings around. 'Yong mga nasa bahay lang talaga na nakita ni Mama at ayaw niyang pakawalan at ibenta ang tumatambak do'n. But the rest, they've been sold for reasonable prices online.

It was a painting of a man with clipped wings hugging a woman in red. The background was a mixture of glossy black and a bit of smokey grey. It was my own take about life. The woman pertains to one's heart-trying to breathe and live in this tainted world. No matter how much sorrow is felt, that heart will be protected, which was the man with clipped wings.

Both of their eyes sparkled and screamed of pain and anguish. The colors were different though. Matingkad na asul sa babae at ginto naman sa lalaki para ipahiwatig na kahit sa isang magulong mundo na puno ng sakit, may mga bagay na malinaw at ginintuan.

Sometimes I think it's too deep but that's the actual meaning. But for Jonas, it was cheesy. Ang alam niya, painting iyon ng isang mortal at anghel na may pinagbabawal na relasyon at handang magsakripisyo sa ngalan ng kanilang pinagmamahalan kahit na mawala ang kaniyang pakpak. Hinayaan ko na lamang iyon. Pwede rin naman kasi.

To keep my memories of those paintings, I take a picture of every single finished product and print it. I placed it in an album and so far, I got rid of almost a hundred paintings.

"Nanghihinayang talaga ako. Ang ganda kasi."

Ganoon rin ako noon. Pero dahil natatambakan na talaga kami sa bahay ng mga canvas, napilit ko ang sarili kong tanggapin na iyon. I want to continue painting but it's an expensive hobby. At isa pa, maliit lang ang bahay namin. Kami lang ni Mama ang magkasama sa buhay at wala rin namang saysay na kumuha ng malaking bahay dahil mas madalas ako dito sa studio para magpinta at ibenta samantalang nasa school naman si Mama.

Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko dahil naiwan ko ang mini whiteboard sa kabilang silid. Nagtipa ako sa screen bago ipinakita sa kanya.

'You can have it if you want to.'

Umiling si Jonas. "I'd rather pay for it, Lilo. Pinaghirapan mo pa rin 'to."

'Even if I insist?'

Tumango naman siya ngayon. "Oo. Kahit pilitin mo 'ko, babayaran ko pa rin."

Nagkibit-balikat na lamang ako.

Bumalik ang mga mata niya sa hindi pa tapos na painting. Finishing touches na lamang naman pero pinatutuyo ko pa ang painting at pumasok ang mga pinagawa nilang paintings.

Nababaliw yata 'tong best friend ko. Every single time na may painting ako, tinititigan niya nang sobrang lapit bago siya lalayo, tapos babalik ulit sa pagtitig. Parang pinag-aaralan niya ang bawat sulok ng canvas. Hindi ko alam ang trip niya.

Pero dahil do'n, nagagawa kong pagmasdan ang mahabang pilik mata niya at matangos na ilong. Talagang litaw na may dugong banyaga siya.

Sometimes, I wonder, what if I just fell in love with my best friend? Would it be a good thing?

But I end up shaking the questions and thoughts away.

Ayoko.

Magkaibigan kami simula pa elementary at siya ang kasangga ko sa maraming bagay at hindi 'yon magbabago. He'll always be my best friend. At isa pa, kung maging totoo man na magkagusto ako sa kanya, hindi ibig sabihin ay magugustuhan niya rin ako sa ganoong paraan pabalik.

I don't want to take that risk. I'm happy with how things are going. I'm happy to have my best friend beside me all the time. Pero higit sa lahat...

Natatakot akong may magbago.

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