Patuloy lang ako sa pag-iyak kahit na pilit akong pinatatahan ni Mommy. I never got used to her being this loving to me. She never tried to make me feel secure and loved before. Pero... pero bakit kung kailan nagkaganito ako, saka ko mararamdaman na may pagmamahal pa pala siyang nararamdaman para sa akin? Why did I need to lose my sense of sight before she could make me feel that I am really her daughter?

I can't help but wonder. In this situation, sino nga ba talaga ang mas bulag sa aming dalawa ni Mommy? Ako na madilim ang tingin sa mundo? O siya na ngayon lang napansing anak pala talaga niya ako?

"Aisleen, calm down. Makasasama sa'yo ang sobrang pag-iyak." Gusto ko na lang matawa sa sinabi ni Mommy. Calm down? How the hell am I supposed to calm down after hearing what the doctor has just said? Sinong matinong tao pa ba ang makakayang kumalma after finding out na naging visually impaired na siya?

Madilim. Nakatatakot. Nakasasakal. I'm not even sure if I can survive living with just pure darkness in my life. How am I supposed to live? To study? Ano na lang ang sasabihin ng mga tao when they find out that I can't even see a thing anymore? Would they judge me more because of that?

No. I don't think I can live that way.

Napabalik ako sa katinuan nang marinig ko ang pagtikhim ni Daddy. He was silent the whole time the doctor was talking to us a while ago. I do not know what's running in his mind even way before at mas lalo lang akong nahihirapan dahil sa sitwasyon ko ngayon. Is he mad? Is he concerned? Natatakot din ba siya katulad ko?

"The police talked to us when you were still unconscious. Wala ka raw seatbelt noong nangyari ang aksidente. What on earth happened, Aisleen? Why were you so reckless?" Halata ang pagpipigil sa boses ni Daddy. Kahit na hindi ko siya makita, ramdam na ramdam kong nagpipigil lang siya ng galit.

Of course, he didn't want to make a scene here. Pareho lang naman sila ni Mommy e. They should always act calm kapag nasa public area sila. Should I be thankful pa ba na hindi niya ako magawang sigawan ngayon?

"I..." I wanted to answer his questions. I wanted to explain myself. Pero ano nga ba ang dapat kong sabihin? Na nakainom ako at umiwas ako para hindi makabangga ng tao? Na pinaglalaruan ni William yung pagkababae ko at halos mapatirik na ang mga mata ko kaya napabitaw na rin ako sa manibela? In any case, those weren't valid reasons. Baka nga itakwil pa nila ako kapag nalaman nilang we almost did the deed sa loob mismo ng sasakyan. It was downright scandalous and far from the perfect image that they built for me.

"What were you doing that time? You were even wearing something so revealing! Aisleen, we didn't raise you to act like some low-class woman people find in the street," pagpapatuloy ni Daddy nang hindi na ako nakasagot sa tanong niya. I then heard Mom defending me from Daddy.

How the tables have turned. Dati-rati, si Mommy ang laging putak nang putak kapag may ginagawa ako. Ngayon, siya na pala ang magtatanggol sa akin. Gusto ko na lang matawa dahil doon but I immediately stopped myself.

"Dad, please. Can you save those for later? We need to do something! Aisleen can't live like this forever!" Bakas ang frustrations sa boses ni Mommy. If that was out of pure concern o dahil sa baka masira ang perfect image ng pamilya, I do not know. But I could easily choose the latter. Mom wouldn't be able to turn into an ideal mother in just a snap lalo na kung wala namang ibang tao sa paligid. She would only be able to do so kapag maraming matang nakatingin sa amin. I may not be able to see my surroundings but I'm sure na kaming tatlo lang naman ang nandito ngayon.

"May kasama ka ba sa kotse?" tanong ni Daddy na siyang nagpakunot ng noo ko. Ayon pa ba talaga ang priority niya ngayon? I can't even see a thing now! And what kind of question was that? Of course, may kasama ako! Si William pa nga ang nagtanggal ng seatbelt— Shit.

No, no, no. Don't tell me...

"Mom, si William po, nasaan?" I asked instead. Napabitaw si Mommy sa pagkakayakap niya sa akin and I felt her sit up straight.

"I was about to ask you that as well. You've been here for days already but he did not even visit you at all. I tried calling him through his cellphone but he can't be reached. When I contacted the office of his dad, out of the country raw ang buong pamilya nila. Did something happen with the two of you? I saw his message last time at nagpapaalam pa nga siya na sa kanila ka muna hanggang birthday niya. What happened?" Bigla na lang tumulo ulit ang luha ko pagkarinig ko sa sinabi ni Mommy.

No. It can't be!

Sabi ni William, mahal niya ako. Tanggap din naman ako ng parents niya ah? Why did they do this? Bakit bigla na lang silang nawala? Bakit bigla na lang siyang nawala? What happened? Are they really going to hide him from me? But he was there with me when the accident happened! Shit, shit, shit.

Marahas kong pinunasan ang mga luhang lumalandas mula sa mga mata ko. Pinilit kong kapain kung nasaan ang kamay ni Mommy. When she held my hands, hinigpitan ko ang pagkakahawak ko roon like my life depended on it.

"Mom, please do whatever it takes to find him. I can't explain it now but I need you to find him. Please promise me," determinado kong sabi sa kanya.

"W-what? Okay, if that's what you want." Naguguluhan man ay pumayag na rin si Mommy sa gusto ko. I need to find William. Siya lang ang makasasagot sa mga tanong na bumabagabag sa isipan ko. Only he can make me feel at ease. Kasi hangga't hindi ko siya nakikita at nakakausap, I can only think of one thing—that he left me and his responsibilities. I don't want to think about it. The heck. I can't even bring myself to believe it. But with the way things are going right now, that's the only thing that could make sense.

Nagtago ba siya o itinatago siya ng mga magulang niya? Whatever the case is, I won't let this one slip away. I need answers and as much as I hate to admit it now... I need him.

***

Ilang araw pa ang tinagal ko sa ospital. During those days, I kept on waiting for William. Even if it was through call or text, I waited. Kahit na walang kasiguraduhan, I waited. But when I finally got discharged, it became clear to me. He was gone and he will never come back. What's the use na nga naman, 'di ba? He already got what he wanted. It was too easy to tell someone I love you. It was too easy to be sweet. But at the end of the day, kapag nakapag-sex na kayo at nagsawa ka na, you can easily let go too.

And maybe, that was the case for him.

Ayaw ko mang aminin sa sarili ko, but I feel that way. It feels that way. After all that has happened between us, sa malamang, nagsawa na rin siya sa akin. And who would really want to be linked with a visually impaired person anyway? Kung ako ang nasa posisyon niya, I might have done the same thing. I was nothing but a burden now. Gone was the perfect and loved by many Aisleen. All that was left was the pitiful girl who can't even see a thing.

"Aisleen, are you ready to go?" tanong sa akin ni Mommy. I was supposed to have a check up today. According to the initial tests, I still have a chance kung may makikita kaming donor. At that time, I wanted to laugh at the doctor. Sino ba sa tingin nila ang niloloko nila? I have a feeling na mahirap makahanap ng donor. They said it was easier to look for a cornea donor but I don't know. Pakiramdam ko, it could still take a long time for it to happen. Sure, money isn't a problem pero sa ngayon? I don't even want to keep my hopes up.

"Can I just stay here?" mahina kong sagot sa kanya. I was playing with the hem of my dress at halos wala na talaga akong planong tumayo mula sa kinauupuan ko. I just wanted to stay inside my room and lock myself here. Wala na rin namang patutunguhan ang buhay ko, 'di ba? Para saan pa ang paglabas ko kung wala rin naman akong makikita?

"Aisleen..." Mom softly said and then I felt her sit beside me. Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko and she gave it a light squeeze.

"Anak, we're doing our best to help you out. Tulungan mo rin naman ang sarili—"

"No, Ma! Hindi niyo kasi naiintindihan e! It's so easy for you to tell me to move on, to cope up and to help myself out. God knows how much I want to do that but tell me. How am I supposed to do that kung sa bawat pagmulat ko ng mga mata ko, kadiliman lang ang nakikita ko? Na sa bawat pagdilat ko, pinapaalala lang sa akin na hindi ako okay. That I am flawed. That I am useless. That I would never be the perfect daughter that you expect me to be. Wala na, Ma. Wala na akong silbi..." Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko at napahagulgol na ako sa tindi ng nararamdaman ko. I've always been optimistic before. Umaasa ako palagi na magiging okay ang lahat and that I would always think about the positive side of things. But now? I don't know anymore.

"Don't say that. Gagawa tayo ng paraan. We won't stop hangga't hindi tayo nakahahanap ng donor. Please, Aisleen..."

"No, Ma. Leave. Just leave! Huwag na nating lokohin pa ang mga sarili natin. Go ahead and tell me na wala akong kwenta. Na mali ang mga decision ko sa buhay. That I shouldn't have been with William. Go and tell me all of my mistakes." Napatigil ako sa pagsasalita dahil sa tindi ng pag-iyak ko. I was literally crying my heart at sinisinok na ako dahil dito. I felt Mom hold my hand again. Pinipilit kong mabawi ang kamay ko but she would just keep on holding it. Ano pa ba ang gusto niya?

"Gano'n naman, 'di ba? You would only notice me kapag nagkamali na ako. Kapag yung ginagawa ko, makasisira na sa image niyo. Ito na o. Chance niyo nang magalit na naman sa akin. Just go ahead and tell me that I'm a big disappointment. Mas matatanggap ko pa 'yon."

"Aisleen, no! Lahat ng ginagawa namin ng daddy mo, para sa'yo. We wanted to protect you from the harsh world. People would always judge us even in our littlest mistakes. That's the reason I was like that to you but I love you. Mahal ka namin ng daddy mo. So please, anak, please fight. Kahit hindi na para sa amin. Fight for yourself." Naramdaman ko ang panginginig ng kamay ni Mommy. As much as I hate to think of it, it seemed like she was crying too.

Imbis na bumigay at maniwala sa sinasabi ni Mommy, I just kept on pushing her away. Hindi ko hinayaang mag-sink in yung mga sinabi niya sa akin. I wanted to believe her when she said that they love me pero paano ko naman magagawa 'yon? Buong buhay ko, I never felt the love that she was referring to. Puro pagkakamali ko lang ang napapansin niya. And Dad was too busy with being passive. Ni wala nga akong naramdamang kahit ano sa kanya e. So right now, it would never be easy for me to believe them.

More days have passed and I just kept on locking myself up inside my room. Wala na akong pinapapasok na kahit na sino. I would eat inside my room pero madalas, I wouldn't even touch the food that the maid would bring here. I actually thought na hahayaan na nila akong gano'n but to my surprise, bigla akong pinuntahan ni Daddy.

"Aisleen, can we talk?" he asked after knocking on my door. I wanted to tell him no. I wanted to shut him off. Gusto kong sabihin na wala akong gustong makausap but for some reasons, I couldn't bring myself to say it to him.

Nang hindi ako sumagot sa kanya, he took that as his cue to enter my room. I was still lying on my bed at nakatalukbong sa akin ang comforter ko. I wanted to laugh at my situation. Puro kadiliman na nga ang nakikita ko, mas pinadilim ko pa lalo ang paligid ko.

Maya-maya lang, I felt him sit on the side of my bed. He didn't remove my comforter. Hindi niya rin ako hinawakan. But I felt his warmth. Ramdam na ramdam ko rin ang presensya niya and I'm not sure if I should be happy with the attention he's giving me right now or not.

"You've been locking yourself up for days already. Aisleen, you need to go out. You need to eat. Hindi na pwede 'yang ginagawa mo sarili mo. We're worried about you. Is there anything that we can do for you? Tell me. Gagawin ni daddy." Malumanay ang boses ni Daddy which I seldom hear from him. At that time, I wanted to tell him everything that I wanted to happen. Gusto kong gumaling. Gusto kong makakitang muli. Gusto kong bumalik sa normal. But ewan ko ba. Sa dinami-rami ng pwede kong sabihin, iba pa ang nasabi ko sa kanya.

"Can you find William for me?" I softly said and when I heard Dad sigh, I became unsure if I made the right decision to tell him that.

***

Huhu. Ano na? Nasaan na ba talaga si William?

Let me know your thoughts about this chapter!