Simula ng pagtatalo naming 'yon nina daddy, nagkulong na lang ako sa kwarto ko. Bumalik ako sa dati na ayaw nang gumawa ng kahit na anong progress sa sitwasyon ko. I was embracing the fact that I will never get better kahit na kung tutuusin, may paraan naman talaga para umayos ang lagay ko.

But who was I kidding?

Pagkatapos ng surgery, ibabalik din naman nila ako sa dati. Magiging bantay sarado na naman ako at kalkulado na naman ang bawat galaw ko. It will be suffocating again.

To be honest, the time that I have spent with Gian and Jillian have been the best days of my life. Para akong bumalik sa pagkabata na hindi man lang namomoblema sa mundo. Everything was easy. Even talking to them and opening up about my life was easy. They didn't judge me despite everything that I said. Feeling ko nga, mas naging close pa kami ni Jillian after kong magkwento sa kanya.

And well, Gian... I would be stupid if I would deny the fact that I have learned to like him. Like a lot. I guess we really started off with the wrong foot but the more time I spent with him, mas lalo ko siyang nagugustuhan. He's this caring and attentive guy na alam mong hindi ginagawa yung certain things just because pinapasahod siya to take care of me. He was doing those because he wanted to...

Or that's what I would like to think of.

Whatever the case is, I like him. Period. This kind of feeling is entirely different to the one that I had with William before. I really couldn't pinpoint the difference but I'm just happy with the mere mention of Gian's name or when the helpers tell me that he's here. Parang ewan pero I feel that way.

And now that he can't even come here anymore...

Fucking shit talaga.

"Aisleen, anak, kakain na raw kayo sabi ng mommy mo," Manang Elsie said after knocking on my door. Wala sana akong balak na sagutin siya pero I still respect her naman at wala rin naman siyang kasalanan sa nangyayari sa akin. And so I decided to respond.

"Wala pa po akong gana, manang. Mamaya na lang po ako kakain," mahinang sagot ko sa kanya. Akala ko, babalik na rin agad siya sa baba to inform mommy about my answer. Pero laking gulat ko nang marinig ko ang pagbukas ng pinto ng kwarto ko.

I then heard her footsteps coming closer and closer to where I was laying down. Naramdaman ko rin ang pag-upo niya malapit sa pwesto ko.

"Hija, hindi sa nanghihimasok ako sa buhay mo. Alam kong malaki ka na at alam mo na ang mga ginagawa mo pero huwag mo namang pabayaan ang sarili mo." Dahil sa sinabi ni Manang Elsie, naramdaman ko na naman ang pamamasa ng mga mata ko. It was a never ending cycle. Iiyak ako... tatahan... tapos iiyak na naman. Pakiramdam ko nga, magang maga na ang mga ko dahil sa kaiiyak.

"Ang hirap naman po kasi, manang..." sabi ko sa kanya. Hinawakan ni Manang Elsie ang kanang kamay ko at bahagyang pinisil ito.

"Kahit kailan, hindi naman naging madali ang magmahal. Pero bakit hindi mo gawing rason si Gian para magpatuloy?" tanong niya sa akin na siyang nagpagulo sa isip ko. Si Gian nga ang rason kung bakit ako nagkakaganito ngayon. Paanong siya ang gagawin kong rason to continue?

"Hindi ko po maintindihan..." deretso kong sagot sa kanya.

"Magpakatatag ka. Gawin mo ang lahat para makabangon at maka-recover. Pumayag ka sa surgery na inaasikaso ng mga magulang mo. Kapag naging maayos na ulit ang lagay mo, gawin mo ang lahat para mahanap siya. Sa ganoong paraan, mas magiging madali na para sa'yo ang makita siya." Parang bigla akong nagkaroon ng lakas sa sinabi ni manang. I finally understood her point. I shouldn't waste my time sulking inside my room. I should make use of the time to look for him... to recover... to finally go back to normal... to finally be with him.

With the renewed faith and strength that I have, I would do whatever it takes to be the best Aisleen that would finally be with the one she likes. Or maybe love. I'm not really sure anymore. Ang sigurado ko lang, gusto ko nang gumaling para sa akin at para sa kanya.

***

Pagkatapos ng pag-uusap namin ni Manang Elsie, I did everything that I could to look for Gian. Nagtanong ako sa Let Me Foundation pero kahit si Jillian daw ay hindi na rin nagpupunta roon. Yes, I continued my sessions there kahit na nawawala na sina Gian. I followed what Manang Elsie told me. Kailangan kong magpakatatag at malagpasan lahat ng 'to para mas mapadali ang paghahanap ko kay Gian.

I have made progress with my other plans as well. Nag-aral ako ng Braille kahit na di ko na rin naman magagamit pag naging successful yung surgery ko. I tried to cook ulit but I'm more careful this time lalo na at wala nang Gian na gagamot ng sugat ko. Pinagpatuloy ko na rin yung online lessons ko. This time though, si mommy na mismo ang tumututok sa studies ko.

"Aisleen, are you sure you can handle this class alone? We can ask your professor to reschedule naman," sabi ni mommy habang sinusuklay niya ang buhok ko. I was supposed to have my class in business planning today kaso she needs to attend an urgent meeting and she can't postpone it. Ang ending tuloy, nagdadalawang isip siya kung itutuloy pa ba yung klase ko o hindi.

"I can manage naman na po. Manang Elsie will be beside me the whole class naman. She will help me kapag may kailangan ako," sagot ko naman sa kanya. Manang Elsie may not be that techie but she knows how to help me out quite well. I'm sure kaya na namin 'tong dalawa.

"Alright. If you say so. Basta call me if anything happens, okay?" Marami pang sumunod na bilin si mommy bago siya tuluyang umalis. Napaiiling na lang nga ako dahil doon. Pakiramdam ko kasi, parang bata ang turing niya sa akin ngayon. Kaunting kibot lang, may bilin na siya o kaya gusto na agad niya ng update. Minsan tuloy, sinasadya kong hindi siya sagutin. Ang ending, halos lahat ng helpers sa bahay, binubulabog niya just to get an update about me.

Talk about praning. Hay.

I finished my class without any problems. Pagkatapos na pagkatapos noon, iniwan na muna ako ni manang at ikukuha niya raw ako ng meryenda. I declined her offer. Balak ko kasing pumunta sa may clubhouse ng subdivision ngayon para magpahangin at subukang makihalubilo sa iba.

"Sigurado ka ba riyan sa balak mo? Sinong kasama mo? Alam ba 'to ng mommy mo?" dere-deretsong tanong ni manang sa akin.

"Manang, kalma lang po. Saglit lang naman po ako. Thirty minutes max, promise! Don't tell mommy na lang po. Magpapasama na lang ako kay Kuya Dennis tapos babalik din po kami agad. Gusto ko lang po talagang magpahangin," natatawang sagot ko naman sa kanya.

"Hay nako talagang bata ka o. Basta mag-iingat ka, ha? Huwag kang hihiwalay kay Dennis."

"Yes po, manang. Chill ka lang po. Kaya ko po 'to. Ako pa ba?" panloloko ko sa kanya na siyang ikinatawa niya.

Dahil wala na rin naman siyang magawa at mapilit talaga ako, hinayaan na niya akong lumabas ng bahay. After which, dumeretso na agad ako sa clubhouse. Inalalayan ako ni Kuya Dennis hanggang sa makaupo ako sa swing. Tumayo lang naman siya malapit sa akin—not too near and not to far. It was just the right amount of distance to give me enough space to be alone and to know if I need something or if something's not right.

Literal na nagpalipas lang ako ng oras dito. Gusto ko lang makahinga mula sa bahay. Nitong mga nakaraan kasi, puro sa bahay at sa Let Me na lang ako. Doon na umikot ang mundo ko. Hindi ko magawang bumalik sa mall kahit na may kasama akong iba. I just didn't have the confidence to do it yet.

I silently brought out my phone from my bag. Sinubukan kong tawagan si Gian o si Jillian pero parehong unattended yung mga number nila. I sent Jillian several messages, almost begging her to tell me where on earth I could find them but to no avail. Never siyang nag-reply sa akin. Ganoon din si Gian.

Little by little, I was close to giving up.

Pero hindi. Hindi pwede. I will find them whatever it takes. Kung kailangan ko mang sumuot sa butas ng karayom, I will gladly do so mahanap ko lang sila.

"Ma'am, tumawag po si Manang Elsie. Pauwi na raw po si madam," pambabasag ni Kuya Dennis sa katahimikang bumabalot sa paligid ko. Napatuwid ako ng upo at dahan-dahan kong ibinalik yung phone ko sa loob ng bag ko. Masama man ang loob ko at mapuputol agad at panahong nagawa kong lumabas katulad nito, wala na rin naman akong choice.

I let out a breath and tried to gather enough courage to face the coming days ahead. Kaya ko 'to. Kakayanin ko 'to.

"Tara po, kuya. Uwi na tayo."

***

So far, the preparations for my surgery are in full speed already. Inaayos na ang lahat ng mga kailangan, including the donor. Actually, halos lahat, kumpleto na. Halos lahat, handa na. Pakiramdam ko nga, ako na lang ang hindi. Kinabahan na naman kasi ako. Paano kung mag-fail yung surgery? Paano kung magkaroon ng complications? Paano kung pagkatapos nito, hindi ko pa rin makita si Gian? Susuko na lang ba ako? Hanggang dito na lang ba talaga ba ako? Kami?

Ewan ko. As much as I didn't want to be negative about all of this, I just can't help but feel so. This would literally change everything in me. It's a make or break moment and I don't know if I could ever prepare myself for it. I could probably meet the worst case scenario and it's scaring the hell out of me.

"Aisleen, are you ready?" tanong sa akin ni mommy. Nandito pa rin ako sa loob ng kwarto ko at nakaupo lang sa isang sulok ng kama ko. To be honest, I don't know if I would ever be ready for this. Kaso, kailangan na. I need to face this once and for all. I need to face this head on.

"Aisleen?" Lumapit na sa akin si mommy nang hindi ako sumagot sa kanya. She then gasped upon seeing me. My hands were literally shaking due to fear and uncertainty. She immediately pulled me in for a hug and at that moment, my tears started to fall. Kahit ano palang pilit kong patatagin ang sarili ko, mahirap.

"Mommy, I'm scared..." pag-amin ko sa kanya.

"Sshhh. I'm here. You're dad and I are here for you. You can do this, Aisleen. You're a very brave girl and I'm so proud of the progress that you have done for the past months. Malalapagsan mo rin lahat ng 'to. I know that your surgery will be successful kaya huwag ka nang matakot. You have the best doctors and we won't let this shot go to waste," pagpapatahan sa akin ni mommy. Pero dahil sa sinabi niya, mas lalo lang akong naiyak. After a while, dad got inside my room as well at dalawa na silang pilit na nagpapatahan sa akin.

Yes, today is the day of my surgery. And instead of relaxing myself, I'm crying my eyes out. I don't know if this would affect my surgery but I can't help it. Natatakot na talaga ako.

Pinilit akong pakalmahin nina mommy and daddy. When they finally got to so, dumeretso na kami sa ospital. I got admitted then they conducted several tests to check if I'm okay to undergo the surgery. While waiting for the results, nasa loob lang ako ng hospital room, silently praying to make this successful. This isn't just for me anymore. Para na rin 'to kina mommy at para na rin sa mga tao sa paligid ko.

Imbis na magpaka-praning over the littlest things, I decided to take a breather. I asked Ate Marie to assist me papunta sa garden ng ospital. She was hesitant at first dahil baka mapagalitan daw kami ni mommy. I tried to convince her na okay lang 'tong gagawin namin pero ayaw talaga niya. Ang laki talaga ng takot niya kay mommy. Gets ko naman siya roon kasi nga nakatatakot naman talaga si mommy. Ako nga mismo, minsan, natatakot din sa kanya. And so tell help her loosen up, tinawagan ko na lang sina mommy para magpaalam.

"Yes, Aisleen? Is there anything wrong?" agad na tanong ni mommy pagkasagot na pagkasagot niya sa tawag ko. I had to stop myself from laughing dahil doon. Porket tumawag ako, may problema na agad? Isa pa ring praning 'tong si mommy e.

"Nothing, mom. I just wanted to asked kung pwede po kaming pumunta ni Ate Marie sa garden nitong hospital? Magpapahangin lang po ako saglit. I'm getting bored na rin po kasi rito sa room ko. Would that be okay?" Mom didn't answer at once. Instead of giving me an immediate answer, I heard her talking with someone else. Feeling ko, si daddy 'yon.

"Mom, still there?" naiinip na tanong ko. Kung makapag-discuss naman kasi sila it's as if I'm leaving the hospital. I'll be staying inside pa rin naman the vicinity.

"Okay, fine. But don't stay there for too long. Fifteen minutes ma—"

"Thirty minutes!" I bargained with her. Jusko naman kasi. Anong mapapala ko sa fifteen minutes? It's too short!

"Twenty minutes," sagot naman niya sa akin. Nope. Hindi ako papayag.

"Twenty-five. Tapat na po. Wala na pong tawad!" halos pasigaw ko nang sabi as if isa akong tindera sa tiangge or something. Narinig ko ang pagbuntong-hininga ni mommy and I could even imagine her shaking her head right now dahil sa pakikipagtawaran ko sa kanya.

"Fine, twenty-five minutes. Right after that, you have to go back to your room. You need to take as much rest as you can before your surgery. Understood?"

"Yes, mom. Thank you, thank you!" sigaw ko at saka ko pinatay 'yong tawag. After which, nagpasama na agad ako kay Ate Marie sa garden.

Truth be told, hindi lang naman dahil sa gusto kong magpahangin kaya ako nagpasama rito. Gardens remind me so much of the time that I have spent with Gian and Jillian. Kapag nasa ganitong klaseng lugar ko, it was as if I'm with them too. I miss them so much already.

Ang tagal ko na ring naghahanap sa kanila pero wala pa rin akong makuhang lead. Para bang pinagtataguan talaga nila ako which disappoints me big time. Feeling ko kasi parang wala lang yung pinagsamahan namin e. I really thought they liked me tapos biglang gano'n.

But promise, right after this, I will look for them talaga thoroughly. Kung kailangan kong magmakaawa kina mommy just to find them, I will do so. Maghintay lang talaga 'yong magkapatid na 'yon. Makatitikim sila sa akin!

"Ate Marie, tara po. Akyat na ulit tayo," sabi ko sa kanya when the alarm of my phone went off. Nag-set na talaga kami para hindi kami mapagalitan ni mommy.

When we reached my room, nagpahinga na ako as instructed. Tomorrow, everything will change for me. I just hope that this will really be for the better.

***

I woke up feeling exhausted. I felt as if I was hit by a truck kahit na mata ko lang naman ang inoperahan. Gustuhin ko mang buksan ang mga mata ko, wala rin namang use. May takip pang nakalagay sa mga 'to. I needed to wait for the doctor para matanggal ang mga 'yon.

I can't help but wonder kung anong oras na ba. Maliwanag na ba sa labas o madilim pa? Sa mundo ko kasi ngayon, it was still pitch dark.

"Mommy...?" I croaked. I waited for a few minutes pero walang sumagot o lumapit sa akin. And so I tried to speak louder this time.

"Mommy... Daddy..."

"Aisleen!" rinig kong sigaw ni mommy. Naramdaman ko rin agad ang paglapit niya sa akin. Dad then said that he will call my doctor now.

A few minutes have passed then I heard more people coming inside the room which I would assume are my doctors and nurses. They were buzzing with different conversations na hindi ko naman na balak alamin pa kung tungkol saan. When my surgeon cleared his throat, doon na natahimik ang lahat.

"Good morning, Aisleen? How are you feeling today?" tanong sa akin ng doktor ko.

"To be honest po, kinakabahan ako," mahina kong sagot sa kanya. He then chuckled and taped my shoulder lightly.

"I fully understand how you feel. Karamihan sa mga pasyente kong nag-undergo ng surgery, ganyan din ang naramdaman after ng surgery nila. Right now, I will remove the cover on your eyes. Just relax, okay?" Tumango na lang ako bilang sagot. I couldn't bring myself to think of coherent words anymore.

And just like what he said, dahan-dahan na niyang tinanggal 'yong nakatakip sa mga mata ko.

"Aisleen..." rinig kong tawag ni daddy sa akin. The doctor asked me to open my eyes yet I couldn't bring myself to do it. Natatakot ako. I'm scared of the possibilities. Paano kung pagdilat ko, wala pa rin akong makita? What would happen to me?

"Aisleen, please open your eyes," mom said. Based on her voice, I knew she was standing right in front of me. Napalunok ako sa sobrang kaba. Idiniin ko pa ang pagkakapikit ng mga mata ko dahil doon. I then took a deep breath and very slowly, I opened my eyes.

Malabo. Malinawag. Masakit sa mata. If I were to describe what it's like when I opened my eyes, I would definitely describe it that way. For the past few months, I have been living in blinding darkness. Now that I finally had the chance to see the light again, why did it have to be this blinding, too?

"Mommy..." I called her out nang maaninag ko na siya. I was expecting her to come closer to me but then I just heard her crying out loud. May mali ba akong nasabi?

Ipinikit kong muli ang mga mata ko dahil hirap na hirap pa rin akong makita ang nasa paligid ko. After calming myself down, I opened my eyes again and there I saw my parents with tears on their faces.

"Mommy... Daddy..." pagtawag ko sa kanila. Nahihirapan man, I tried to reach out for them. Nagmadali namang maglakad palapit sa akin sina mommy at daddy and they held my hands tightly.

"C-can you see us now?" patuloy pa rin sa pag-iyak si mommy while asking me that. I slowly nodded and when she saw that, she immediately pulled me in for a hug. Dad joined us right after. We were hugging each other while crying our eyes out. Kung hindi pa dahil sa pagtikhim n'ong doctor, hindi pa kami maghihiwa-hiwalay.

"Yes, doc?" mommy asked. May iniabot sa akin yung doctor and I reluctantly accepted it.

"Para saan po 'to?"

"You need to wear that for the time being. Your eyes need to be protected from any possible injury especially now that you have just completed your surgery." I looked at the glasses on my hands. It looked more like the goggles that you wear inside a laboratory. Honestly speaking, never in my whole life did I imagine that I would be wearing something like this.

"Hanggang kailan ko po 'to kailangang isuot?" I can't help but ask.

"Around six to twelve weeks but it really depends on your recovery. What I would advise you right now is to avoid scratching your eyes no matter how itchy it may get. Your vision may be blurry from time to time but that's perfectly normal. Huwag kang mag-panic if ever that happens. If you have any questions or concerns, don't hesitate to give me a call," the doctor said and I simply nodded my head in response. My parents, on the other hand, kept on telling how thankful they are dahil nakakikita na ako ngayon. I wanted to say something but I couldn't really bring myself to do it. The feeling is quite overwhelming. I never thought that this day would finally come.

And as my tears started to fall, I chose to hold on to the renewed hope inside me. I know that I'm a step closer to finding the people who made me happy in a short period of time. I will find them and I'll be happy again. I will find him and I'll make sure that he won't get to leave me again. Never again, Gian. Never again.