Pretty much, it's safe to say na hindi ako nakatulog nang maayos dahil sa sinabi ni Gian. A lot of thoughts were running inside my mind and everything is related to him. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang trip niya sa buhay at kung ano ba talaga ang plano niyang gawin sa akin. I am so confused and it doesn't help na kung ano-ano rin ang sinasabi ni Jillian tungkol sa kuya niya. I didn't want to assume things only to get hurt in the end.

And so before I knew it, my alarm was already ringing. It was begging me to wake up when in fact, parang buong magdamag naman akong gising.

"Aisleen, hija, gumising ka na raw sabi ng mommy mo," Manang Elsie said after knocking on my door.

"Okay po," tipid kong sagot sa kanya. After a while, I heard the door open which was then followed by the sound of water. Mukhang inaayos na niya yung tubig sa bathtub.

"May lakad ka ba ngayon, hija? Kailangan mo ba ng tulong sa pamimili ng damit mo?" tanong niya sa akin. Nagdalawang isip pa ako kung sasabihin kong may lakad kami ni Gian o hindi. He didn't tell me rin naman kasi kung anong oras niya ako susunduin dito. Ayaw ko namang mag-ayos agad tapos di naman pala agad siya pupunta. I would look too excited about this trip kahit na dapat ay hindi ko 'to bigyan ng ibang meaning.

And so I decided to choose casual clothes na lang. I asked Manang Elsie to prepare me simple dark colored jeans and my beige pullover. Pinahanda ko na rin yung regular white sneakers ko. All in all, the outfit was simple, comfortable and it would not seem like I prepared a lot. Not that I was planning to prepare talaga nang bongga. I mean, I didn't have any reason to do so naman, right?

"Pindutin mo lang yung buzzer kapag tapos ka na ha? Para matulungan ulit kita," muling ulit ni manang for the third time. Napangiti ako dahil doon. Pakiramdam ko, bumalik ako bigla sa pagkabata. She was always like this kahit na noong maliit pa ako at siya nag-aalaga sa akin. She would treat me like her own child na kailangang bantayan at asikasuhin palagi.

"Manang, pangatlong beses niyo na pong sinabi 'yan. Kaya ko na po 'to. Promise," natatawang sagot ko sa kanya. If I could only see right now, sa malamang ay nakikita ko na ang pag-iling ni Manang Elsie.

"O siya, basta huwag kang mahihiyang tawagin ako kapag may kailangan ka," bilin niya sa akin at saka na niya ako iniwang mag-isa sa banyo.

After she left, I took my sweet time taking a bath. Nagbabad pa ako saglit sa tub at ipinikit kong muli ang mga mata ko. I've been wondering kung ano nga ba talaga ang binabalak gawin ni Gian ngayon. Slowly, dinadalaw na ulit ako ng antok but not until I heard some footsteps outside my bathroom.

"Sino 'yan?" tanong ko. I know wala namang masamang loob ang makapapasok dito but I still need to be sure.

"Uhh, it's me," nag-aalangang sagot ni Gian. Shit. Bakit nandito na siya? Ang aga pa ah!

"B-bakit nandito ka na?" nagkandautal-utal na ako sa pagtatanong sa kanya. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko! My clothes were left on top of my bed by Manang Elsie! Malay ko bang darating agad 'to at papasok pa sa kwarto ko?! Shit talaga!

"B-bakit ang aga mo?"

"Okay ka lang ba?" Bakas ang pag-aalala sa boses ni Gian. I silently prayed to the heavens above na huwag na siyang lumapit pa rito sa banyo ko. The door was freakin' unlocked and I don't know what I would do kapag pumasok siya rito.

"Y-yes! Uhh, can you leave the room na lang muna? I still have to change my clothes and I have no plans of doing it while you're here." I tried my best to compose myself and act as if hindi ako naiilang sa presensya niya rito. Sure, hindi na ako virgin but the hell. He's not even my boyfriend so he doesn't have the right to see me this way. Nakahihiya lang. Jusko!

"Shit. Sorry. Hindi ko alam," panimula ni Gian. Before he could even utter another curse or another word, pinigilan ko na siya.

"I know. Just leave muna, okay? I'll call you when I'm okay na," I told him. When I heard his footsteps going farther from my bathroom and when the door of my room closed, I finally released the breath I didn't know I was holding.

Pucha. Muntik na ako ro'n! Sa isip-isip ko.

Binilisan ko na ang pagligo at pag-aayos ko sa sarili ko. I simply wore my clothes and blow dried my hair. Nag-spray na rin ako ng paborito kong pabango. Dahil wala rin naman sa bahay si mommy, hindi na ako nakapaglagay pa ng makeup. Not that I was planning to put some. I mean, why would I need to apply makeup naman, 'di ba? It's not like I'm going on a date or something.

When I felt like I was done with everything that I needed, I dialled Gian's number.

Surprisingly, Gian did not answer my call agad. Not surprisingly, nagkandautal na naman siya at nagmura pa. In the end, ilang ulit siyang humingi ng sorry sa akin. As much as I didn't want to accept it—kasi hindi naman kailangan—tinanggap ko na lang din para matapos na ang usapan.

We then proceeded to eat breakfast. Inalalayan niya akong kumain at ipinagtimpla niya pa ako ng kape. If that was his way to make it up to me, then he actually impressed me. I liked the taste of his coffee.

Oh, wait. That sounded wrong. God. What is wrong with me?!

I liked the taste of the coffee that he made for me. There!

"Let's go?" tanong niya sa akin the moment I'm done with my coffee. I can't explain it pero I felt different emotions at that moment. Excitement. Takot. Kilig kahit hindi dapat. Ewan ko na talaga!

"Do we really have to go?" nag-aalangang tanong ko. I know I should be more open and more positive about things like this pero I can't help but doubt myself if I can really do it. Sure, I trust Gian naman na hindi niya ako pababayaan but still...

"Yes. Like what I've told you, kailangan mo 'to para masanay kang kumilos sa harap ng maraming tao. And I wanted to spend some time with you." My heart skipped a beat when I heard what he said. Pero dahil pahina nang pahina yung boses niya as he said the last few words, hindi ako sigurado kung tama ba ang pagkakarinig ko. When I asked him to repeat it naman, tumanggi na siya.

"Ang KJ mo. Parang uulitin lang yung sinabi e," reklamo ko sa kanya. He then tsked tapos hinawakan niya na lang agad yung kamay ko at inalalayan na ako palabas ng bahay.

To my surprise, sa passenger's seat ako pinaupo ni Gian. Magrereklamo pa lang sana ako nung bigla siyang lumapit sa akin. I could almost feel him right in front of my face. Unknowingly, napigil ko na pala ang paghinga ko.

"Breathe... Aayusin ko lang yung seatbelt mo," sabi niya sa akin. I swear I could feel his breath already! Lalo akong kinakabahan at kinikilabutan dahil sa ginagawa niya. Damn it! This kind of thing should only happen in movies and dramas! I shouldn't be experiencing this right now!

"T-tse! W-wag ka nga. I can fix it by myself naman e," pagmamaktol ko na nauwi pa sa pag-pout. Nakaiinis naman kasi. Nagawa niya pa akong lokohin. I swear I'm not pikon naman pero pagdating dito sa bwisit na 'to, ewan ko ba. I'm always shaken up and it's not like me to do and feel so.

"But I want to fix it for you."

"E-ewan ko sa'yo. Tara na nga nang matapos na 'to!" bulyaw ko sa kanya then I heard him chuckle. Shit. Why do I find his chuckle very attractive ba? No! This can't be! I mentally shook my head and tried to focus on other things.

I shouldn't be affected. I couldn't be affected. I'm here to cope with my current situation and not to mend my broken heart.

STOP!

"By the way, bakit 'di mo ako pinaupo? Where's Kuya Dennis?" tanong ko sa kanya nung narinig ko ang pagsara ng pintuan sa side niya. I also smelled his perfume so I'm pretty sure na nandito na rin siya sa loob ng sasakyan.

"Tinanong ko sina tita kung pwedeng tayong dalawa lang ang lumabas ngayon..."

"Pumayag sila?!" hindi makapaniwalang tanong ko sa kanya. That's a first. Ganoon na lang ba talaga kalaki ang tiwala nila rito kay Gian para halos ipagtulakan na nila ako rito sa bwisit na 'to?

"We wouldn't be inside this car right now kung hindi. Wala sa mga plano ko ang maging kidnapper," sarkastikong sagot ni Gian and all I could do was frown. Gustuhin ko mang sapakin siya sa mga oras na 'to, ang hirap gawin dahil hindi ko naman siya nakikita. Saka baka kung ano pang matamaan ko rito sa sasakyan. Mahirap na.

And so he drove to the nearest mall in our area. Silence enveloped us all throughout the ride. Sure, the radio was on but I chose not to listen to the songs being played there. Puro mga love songs. Kainis. Para bang nananadyang ewan. So I simply closed my eyes and tried to distract myself by thinking of things na pwede kong gawin while waiting for my surgery.

First, I wanted to study how to read using Braille. It would help me a lot kung sakali. Also, I want to finish my studies. I want to find a new hobby na hindi kinakailangan ng sense of sight. I know it might only be for a short period of time lalo na kung maaayos agad nina mommy yung surgery ko but still, I didn't want to be useless. I didn't want to be stuck in this hole while waiting. I needed to do something. I needed to find a source of hope.

"We're here," deklara ni Gian as the car slowly came into a stop. I could still hear a lot of noise around though so I'm pretty sure na wala kami sa parking lot.

Before I could even ask a question, Gian opened the door for me. Tinanggal na niya yung seatbelt ko at inalalayan na rin niya ako palabas. I then heard him talk to someone, most probably the valet attendant.

"At talagang sa valet parking pa tayo?" I mockingly asked him. Weird lang kasi na siya 'tong nag-drive tapos magva-valet din naman pala kami. Anong kinaibahan n'on sa kung kasama namin si Kuya Dennis, 'di ba?

"Para hindi ka na mahirapan sa hagdanan at elevator," Gian answered casually tapos naglakad na kaming dalawa. I actually thought bibitawan na niya yung kamay ko or he would place it on his arm pero he still held my hand like it was the most natural thing to do. I tried to stop the blush that was forming on my face but how do you stop a blush ba from forming in the first place? Kaya sa ngayon, all I could do was to hope na hindi niya mapansin yung pamumula ko.

"S-saan ba tayo pupunta rito? Can't we do this kapag okay na lang talaga ako? Like tayong tatlo ni Jillian?" I can't help but ask. Hindi pa rin talaga kasi ako comfortable na kumilos sa harap ng maraming tao. Sure, I acted like I didn't care nung pumasok ako dati sa school pero sa totoo lang, it's too difficult. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga ang nangyayari sa paligid ko. Hindi ko alam kung sino ang nakasasalamuha ko. It was like a guessing game that I'm sure I would lose.

"We'll do that next time. For now, it's just the two of us, okay?" sagot ni Gian and I swear to God! Ayaw kong bigyan ng double meaning kaso jusko naman! How am I supposed to do that kung biglang ganoon ang mga binibigay niyang sagot sa akin?

I tried to shrug off that kilig feeling while we were just strolling around the mall. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung saan na ba niya ako dinadala. All that I could remember was how warm his hand felt while I was holding it the whole time. Binibitawan niya lang yung kamay ko kapag oorder siya ng pagkain namin o kaya naman pupunta siya sa CR. Pero hangga't maaari, hindi niya ako binibitawan.

Everything was actually going well. Paunti-unti, kinakaya kong maglakad nang walang takot. I was becoming confident already. But not until I heard some gossip around.

"Sayang naman. Maganda sana kaso bulag."

"Bagay sana sila kaso bulag naman yung babae."

"Baka mayaman siguro yung babae kaya kahit bulag, pinatulan na."

At that time, gusto ko nang bitawan yung kamay ni Gian. I wanted to run away kahit na hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. Pero habang sinusubukan kong kumalas sa pagkakahawak ni Gian sa kamay ko, mas hinigpitan niya lang ang hawak sa akin. Up until the point na hinatak na niya ako palapit sa kanya, causing me to bump against him. It was as if he was hugging me in public already!

"G-gian..."

"Relax... You were doing great already. Wag kang makikinig sa paligid mo. Nandito ako, okay? Hindi kita iiwan," he calmly said to me. Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko and I tried to shut off all of the negative thoughts that were clouding my head right now.

"Come on, Aisleen. Kaya mo 'yan," Gian encouraged me more. When I finally opened my eyes, I mustered up all the courage that I could find in my body. I'm willing to try again and again until I'm finally okay. As long as Gian's here to help me out, I'm pretty sure that I can do this.

***

"Aisleen, how was your trip to the mall with Gian last time? Napapadalas na ang labas niyo ah?" mommy asked one afternoon. Nandito lang sila ni daddy ngayon and they both chose to spend time with me.

"Okay naman po. Unlike the first time that we did it wherein I was scared kasi po maraming tao and I didn't know what's going on around me, ngayon po mas comfortable na ako. Gian helped me out pretty well. He made me face my fears and he's always protecting me from the people around. Hindi niya rin po ako pinababayaan in any way," deretso kong sagot sa kanya.

It's been almost a month simula nang lumalabas kaming dalawa ni Gian. He's helping me out na rin sa school which I really liked. Well, technically, I was homeschooled na until I finish this semester but Gian has been a big help pa rin. I kept on talking hanggang sa hindi ko na napansing nakangiti na pala ako habang nagkukwento sa kanila. Naputol lang ang pag-ngiti ko when daddy cleared his throat.

Shit. Was I too obvious? I can't help but think.

"Anak, do you like Gian?" daddy straightforwardly asked. Shit talaga! Why did I have to babble about unnecessary stuff pa kasi?

"Uhh. He's nice naman po? He and his sister are good people," sagot ko sa kanya even if I know that he's referring to something else.

"Aisleen, you're a smart girl. You know I'm not talking about that." Ito na nga ba ang sinasabi ko! What was I supposed to tell him? Oo, gusto ko na siya? Fuck. I'm not even sure if I really like him in a romantic way or not. I'm so confused right now that I can't even distinguish my own feelings anymore.

"He makes me happy and secure po. That's all I know right now," nahihiya kong sagot sa kanya. Napayuko na rin ako dahil hindi ko talaga alam kung paano ba dapat pag-usapan 'to. I don't even know if they will be okay with this or not.

"Aisleen, we're actually happy that you've done a lot of progress ever since Gian helped you out. At first, we thought you wouldn't give this a shot at all. But we've seen you grow and we're happy to see you happy too. Hindi ka na nagmumukmok. You're more outgoing and you smile and laugh a lot," panimula ni mommy but I had a feeling that I won't like where this conversation is going. Masama talaga ang pakiramdam ko rito.

"I sense a but here..." mahina kong singit sa kanya.

"We're not against Gian in any way but you have to focus on more important matters. Right now, it's not your feelings for him. Your surgery date is soon and we want you to prepare yourself for that."

"A-are you saying that I should stop meeting him?" A lump was forming on my throat but I still tried my best to ask. Pakiramdam ko, I would be crying anytime soon. I didn't expect my own parents to meddle like this. Buong akala ko, they were okay with Gian. Kaya nga lagi na silang pumupunta rito ni Jillian e. They were very much welcomed here kahit na sa mismong kwarto ko. They didn't give them any sort of restrictions before so why the sudden change now?

"Hindi naman sa gano'n, anak." Mommy tried to console me by reaching out for my hand pero agad ko ring binawi 'yon. I can't understand them anymore. Gulong-gulo na ako sa sinasabi nila.

"That's basically what you're telling me, mom. You want me to focus on my surgery. Wait. Now that you've said it, Gian's actually not responding to my messages na nitong nakaraan. If he's responding naman, sobrang ikli lang then he ends the conversation right away. Ilang araw na rin siyang hindi nagpupunta rito. I can't even reach Jillian now," I told them and then it suddenly clicked.

"Oh, my God. Of course, you talked to him! Inuna niyo siyang kausapin para layuan ako. Akala ko ba you want what's best for me? Bakit ganito bigla? Anong klaseng mga magulang kayo?!" Hindi ko na napigilan ang pagtaas ng boses ko. Before I could even take my words back, I felt dad's palm on my cheek.

"How dare you talk to your mother like that?!" sigaw niya sa akin and that's when tears started to flow. Hindi ko na napagilan pa ang paghagulgol ko dahil sa sobrang sakit na nararamdaman ko. It felt like my own parents betrayed me.

"Hindi naman po ako nagkulang ha? I've done everything to move forward. Ginawa ko po ang lahat para maging proud pa rin kayo sa akin kahit na ganito ang sitwasyon ko? Someone finally understood me and my situation and it's been a while since I felt this happy. Why did you have to go and push that source of happiness away? I hate you! I hate you!" sigaw ko sa kanila habang patuloy sa pagdaloy ang mga luha ko. Wala na akong pakialam kung mas magmukha akong walang galang sa kanila. Gian has been there when I was at my lowest. Hindi niya ako sinukuan even if I felt like giving up on myself. Pero bakit ganito? Bakit sarili ko pang mga magulang ang gagawa nito sa akin?

"If it's going to be like this, then just forget about the surgery. I won't push through with it anymore," matapang kong sagot sa kanila then I tried to go back to my room to find solace.

Bahala na sila. If Gian won't be here with me until the very end, might as well throw every bit of progress I've done. Wala na rin namang sense. Wala na.

***

Happy new year, dear readers!

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