Gian and I were silent the whole ride papunta sa kung saang lupalop man naka-locate yung organization na sinasabi niya. Even if I wanted to ask him where we're going, there's no point naman kasi I won't be seeing the surroundings. So kung sakaling he's a kidnapper pala and he's actually bringing me to their hideout, hindi ko rin made-describe yung lugar.

When we finally came to a stop and I heard the engine stop, I figured we had already arrived at our destination. Narinig kong bumukas ang pintuan ng kotse and after a while, I smelled Gian's perfume beside me. He was sitting in front kasi kanina para maturo niya raw sa driver yung pupuntahan namin.

"We're here. Let's go?" tanong niya sa akin at ewan ko ba. Para akong kinabahan bigla.

"Can we just reschedule? I don't think I can do this yet," sagot ko naman sa kanya, not even bothering to hide the emotions I was feeling at that moment. Kahit kumunot man ang noo ko o ma-distort man ang buong mukha ko, I didn't care anymore. I just had to convey my emotions right now.

Narinig ko ang mahinang pagbuntong-hininga ni Gian sa tabi ko. Maya-maya lang ay hinawakan naman niya ang kanang kamay ko. It wasn't really my intention to do so pero when his hand held mine, bigla ko na lang hinigpitan ang pagkakahawak ko roon and it seemed like I didn't have the intention to let go.

"Aisleen, relax. Wala naman silang gagawing masama sa'yo. I'm here. I won't leave your side, okay?" Gian reassured me pero ewan ko ba. I still can't fully relax. Hindi ko kilala ang mga tao rito. What if they judge me? What if they give me certain looks because of my condition? Wala akong magagawa. Wala rin naman kasi akong makikita. I'm starting to hate my situation more and more because of this.

"Easy for you to say."

"My sister's inside as well. She's actually waiting for us. Tara na?" Kahit labag sa loob ko, wala na akong nagawa kung hindi sumama kay Gian. But the heck. Hindi naman ako na-inform na may meet the sister event pala ngayon! I should have been warned about this or something para na-prepare ko man lang yung sarili ko. Not that I was planning to make an awesome first impression sa kanya ha. Kasi, I mean, wala namang point for me to do so? Her brother's just helping me out and nothing more.

Pero 'yon nga lang ba talaga ang dahilan kaya ako nagkakaganito? A part of my brain asks.

Instead of focusing on it, I mentally shook my head and prepared myself for this encounter. I shouldn't keep my hopes too high about this meeting and about this organization. For all I know, this might be another failure in the making. My life has been a failure for the past few months and I don't think this day could ever save it.

Nagpaiwan na sa sasakyan si Kuya Dennis since kasama ko naman daw si Gian. I wanted to complain sana kaso ito namang si Gian, pumayag agad sa sinabi ni kuya. Kaya niya naman daw akong alagaan at hindi niya naman daw ako ipahahamak. If our maids were here, sa malamang, kinilig na ang mga 'yon dahil doon. But ibahin nila ako. Hindi ako marupok.

Okay, fine. Medyo bumilis yung tibok ng heart ko ro'n. Pero slight lang ah! And I would never admit that to anyone. Never as in never talaga!

"Huy, huminga ka nga. Nagiging violet ka na e," panloloko sa akin ni Gian. I did not bother to answer him though. Instead, kinurot ko siya nang pagkatindi-tindi. After a while, he kept on spouting curses again.

"Damn it, woman! Grabe kang mangurot!" reklamo niya nang makalayo na siya saglit sa akin. I had to stop the smirk that was forming on my lips because of that. Akala niya ba siya lang ang pwedeng mang-inis dito?

Nang maka-recover na si Gian sa pangungurot ko, he went back beside me. Hinigpitan niya na rin ang pagkakahawak niya sa kamay ko para wala na raw akong way na kurutin siya. And with that, isang kalokohan na naman ang pumasok sa isip ko.

"Chancing ka na ah! Gusto mo lang yata talagang makipag-holding hands sa akin e," I told him with a teasing tone. I was waiting for him to talk back and spout some nonsense but what he did caught me off-guard. He let go of my hand and pinched both of my cheeks. The nerve of this guy!

"Aray! Masakit, ano ba!" sigaw ko sa kanya while trying my best to swat his hands away from me. I then heard him laugh heartily and I don't know why but I actually liked the sound of it?

Shit. Aisleen, stop! I repeatedly told myself while trying my best to calm myself down. Pakiramdam ko, sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko kahit na sobrang wala namang special sa ginawa niya sa akin. Oh, God. This is really wrong.

"Ang cute cute mo talaga!" biglang sabi ni Gian and after which, natahimik kami bigla. It was as if an angel passed by between us. Lalong bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko, if that's even possible.

"W-wag ka nga! Let's just get this over with nang makauwi na ulit ako," nauutal kong sabi sa kanya. Agad namang nakabawi si Gian at inalalayan na niya ulit ako sa paglalakad. But after what happened between the two of us, I felt more conscious than ever. Kahit na walang malisya ang mga bagay-bagay, I can't help but think of his possible opinion.

Nagpapawis ba yung kamay ko? Amoy pawis ba ako? Magulo ba buhok ko? Maputla na ba ako? Maayos ba yung suot ko?

I was never conscious of the way I looked before. Palagi akong confident kahit na sobrang simple lang ng damit na isuot ko, wala akong pakialam because I knew I would still look good. I was trained to be confident in any situation. Pero ewan ko ba. With Gian, I always feel like this when I shouldn't be doing so. He's nothing but someone who's hired to help me out with my daily activities. We're not even friends for Pete's sake! Jusko. Bakit ba talaga ako nagkakaganito?

"My sister was also against the idea of coming here before. Pakiramdam niya, sinusukuan na namin siya at ang sitwasyon niya kaya dinadala namin siya rito. We can't blame her though and we understood her feelings well. But after some time, siya na mismo ang nagkukusang pumunta rito. She said she's having fun and she learned a lot of things. Eventually, when things got better for her, she decided to work here and help other people in need. Alam na rin kasi niya yung pakiramdam ng mapunta sa ganoong sitwasyon so she wanted to share the light and hope to them," mahabang paliwanag ni Gian and I can't help but admire his sister. If only I were that brave to face the obstacles ahead of me.

Sa totoo lang, gusto ko naman talagang makaahon mula sa pagkakalubog ko na 'to. I wanted to go back to normal so bad. Kaya nga pinilit kong pumasok pa rin sa school noon e. I was hoping that I could be normal. Unfortunately, the people around me were too judgmental and it didn't make me feel normal at all.

I was belittled. I was judged. I was hurt. These things wouldn't be easy to forget. It wouldn't be easy to move on. But if this organization could also help me see the light once again in my now dark life, then I could actually give this a shot? Maybe, just maybe, this isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

***

"A penny for your thoughts?" pambabasag ni Gian sa katahimikang bumabalot sa aming dalawa ngayon. We were waiting for Mrs. Jarajo to finish with her current appointment. Imbis na magikot-ikot nang kami lang ni Gian, we opted to wait in the mini garden that they have here in the foundation.

"H-ha? Wala 'to. Don't mind me," tipid kong sagot sa kanya. We were completely silent for quite some time already. Ang dami ko sanang gustong itanong sa kanya tungkol sa lugar na 'to like how does it look like, ano ba talaga yung goal nito, at marami pang iba but I chose to keep my mouth shut. Feeling ko kasi, it would be a lot better kung galing mismo sa nagtatrabaho rito yung mga impormasyong malalaman ko.

What's weird though is the fact that Gian was still holding my hand the entire time that we're together. Akala mo naman mawawala ako bigla rito or something.

"Kuya!" rinig kong sigaw ng isang babaeng mukhang papalapit sa amin. Chances are, ito na yung kapatid na tinutukoy ni Gian sa akin kanina.

"Jillian," tipid na bati ni Gian sa kanya.

"Kanina ka pa rito?"

"Uh, hindi na—" Naputol ang kung ano mang sasabihin sana ni Gian nang marinig ko ang biglang pagtili ni Jillian. Agad naman siyang sinita ni Gian, telling her to keep quiet lalo na at nasa loob pa raw kami ng foundation. Hindi naman siya pinansin ni Jillian dahil tumitili-tili pa rin ito kahit na sinusubukan niyang pigilan iyon.

"Kuya, girlfriend mo ba siya?" diretsahang tanong ni Jillian at kahit na wala naman akong iniinom, para bang nasamid ako dahil doon. Agad namang binitawan ni Gian ang kamay ko at inalalayan niya ako dahil sa naging pag-ubo ko. He wraped his arm around me while trying his best to comfort me.

"Are you okay? Kailangan mo ba ng tubig?" tanong niya sa akin, bakas na bakas ang pag-aalala. Unsure if I could even give coherent words, umiling lang ako sa kanya bilang sagot.

"Sigurado ka ba?" Parang ayaw pa ring maniwala ni Gian kaya napilitang akong sumagot sa kanya.

"Oo nga. Ang kulit," medyo naiinis kong sagot sa kanya but that just earned another squeal from Jillian. What on earth is her problem? Bakit ba siya tili nang tili?

"Oh my gosh! Your voice is so pretty just like you! Can I call you ate from now on?" tanong niya sa akin which made me freeze. May alam ba siyang hindi ko alam? With the tone of her voice, para bang kilalang-kilala na niya ako.

Could it be...? Nah. Imposible. Why would he even do that? 'Di ba?

"Uhh..."

"Jillian, mahiya ka nga. Mind your manners," paninita ni Gian sa kapatid niya before I could even respond. It was then my turn to hold Gian's hand to stop him from talking even further.

"Okay lang. You can call me ate. Wala rin naman akong kapatid so it's fine," I answered with a smile. I'll have to admit that I'm still not that comfortable with it but might as well suck it up. Awkward din naman kasi kung tatanggihan ko pa siya. Ayaw ko naman siyang mapahiya.

Jillian then squealed with so much joy. Maya-maya lang, hawak hawak na niya ang kamay ko, completely pushing Gian out of the picture. Sobrang dami niya agad sinasabi at kinukwento and I don't know if I could even keep up with it. She was jumping from one topic to another. Wala na nga yata siyang balak na tumigil until someone interrupted her from talking.

"Ate Jillian..." a tiny voice said. Natahimik bigla kami dahil doon.

"Oh my God. I'm so sorry, Talia. Nakalimutan na kita!" Binitawan na rin sa wakas ni Jillian ang kamay ko at umalis na rin siya sa tabi ko. I then felt Gian move close to me and he whispered his apologies. Hindi raw naman talaga ganito ka-hyper yung kapatid niya. Na-excite lang sa idea na magkakaroon na taong pwede niyang tawaging ate lalo pa't alam na alam daw nito ang sitwasyon at pinagdaraanan ko.

"Gian, it's okay. Hindi mo kailangang mag-sorry. Nakatutuwa nga siya e. Parang wala siyang pinagdaanang mabigat noon," I told Gian. To be honest, naiinggit ako kay Jillian. Kinaya niya kasi lahat ng nangyari sa kanya dati. With the way she's acting right now, parang di siya naging visually impaired dati. She's full of energy and positivity. And maybe, just maybe, I need someone like her in my life as well.

After some time, kasali na rin namin sa usapan si Talia. She's diagnosed with cerebral palsy but despite that, she's a jolly child pa rin. I actually admire her for that. Sana, mayroon din akong lakas ng loob na harapin yung pinagdaraanan ko with a positive outlook.

I can't help but wonder tuloy if it's really just a matter of perspective o dahil ba parte sila ng organization or foundation or whatever this institution is kaya naging ganito ang tingin nila sa sitwasyon nila. They were making the most of what they have and all of them are tight like glue.

"Talia!" an older voice called out.

"Mama!" sagot naman ni Talia. Jillian then explained na nagtatrabaho rin dito ang mama ni Talia. She was in charge of the consultations or sessions here. Kung magpapatuloy daw ako rito, baka kay Mrs. Laliana rin daw ako ma-assign kung sakali. She was her counselor din daw before and she's one of the best here.

Makalipas ang ilang minuto, iniwan na rin kami ni Jillian. Dumating na rin kasi si Mrs. Jarajo and she will tour me around the foundation na.

During the tour, I can't help but be amazed dahil sa dami ng facilities and activities na ino-offer nila rito. They cater to different disabilities and situations. Noong una, nakikinig lang ako sa mga sinasabi niya but after a while, nagtatanong-tanong na rin ako sa kanya.

The whole time that we're touring around, hawak-hawak lang ni Gian ang kamay ko, inaalalayan ako kahit saan kami magpunta. Marami na ngang nag-akalang girlfriend niya ako. Kilala na rin kasi siya ng mga tao rito dahil kay Jillian. Tuwing may magtatanong sa kanya kung ako ba ang girlfriend niya, iniiba niya palagi ang usapan. I don't know if I should be happy or disappointed with that though.

Noong tumigil kami sa paglalakad, iniwan ako saglit ni Gian. Bibili lang daw siya ng maiinom namin. And so, it was just me and Mrs. Jarajo.

"Ma'am, if you don't me asking, ano po ba ang ibig sabihin ng Let Me sa LET ME Foundation?" Kanina pa kasi ako napaiisip kung ano ba talaga ang meaning no'n. Honestly, the name sounds a little weird for me. Parang may hidden meaning na ewan e.

"It's okay, hija. Your question is valid naman and not a lot of people ask that. They usually ask the mission of the foundation first," panimula niya. Inalalayan niya akong makaupo sa isang sofa sa welcoming area ng foundation.

"LET ME actually stand for Love & Empathy, ToMorrow Enthusiasts. Dito kasi, naniniwala kami na para malagpasan ng mga person with disability ang sitwasyon nila, kailangan nila ng pagmamahal, pagkalinga at pang-unawa. We want them to have a positive outlook in life na kahit may iba silang pangangailangan, magkakaroon pa rin sila ng kagustuhang ipagpatuloy ang buhay." Upon hearing those words, I can't help but feel ashamed for judging this foundation easily. Ni-reject ko agad yung idea ng pagpunta rito without even knowing what they were doing. Sobrang laking bagay pala ng ginagawa nila and now, I understand kung bakit ganoon na lang ang attitude nina Jillian at Talia despite their conditions. It was because of the love and acceptance that they had in this foundation.

"As I have mentioned earlier, we provide a lot of opportunities for our members. We let them explore a lot of things and we want them to expand their horizons. Hindi naman porket may kapansanan ka na ay hindi ka na makagagawa ng mga makabuluhang bagay. Dito sa LET ME Foundation, tinutulungan namin sila na mabigyan ng ibang kahulugan ang buhay," pagpapatuloy ni Mrs. Jarajo. I don't know why but I felt something warm inside my chest. I really can't explain what I'm feeling right now. Knowing about this foundation has opened my eyes kahit na physically, wala pa rin naman akong nakikita.

"Aisleen, bakit ka umiiyak?" malakas na tanong ni Gian paglapit na paglapit niya sa amin. Pinunasan agad niya ang luha kong hindi ko man lang napansing tumutulo na pala. Dahil sa tono ng pananalita ni Gian, hindi ko na rin napigilan ang mapatawa. Para na akong baliw dito but I didn't care anymore. The feelings were too overwhelming and I just have to let it out.

"Shit. Get a grip, will you?" sabi ni Gian sa akin and I had to force myself to stop laughing. I then reached for his hand, took a deep breath and said, "Thank you for bringing me here, Gian. I think I'm now ready to face the new chapter of my life with you. Thank you."

***

Saan po ba makahahanap ng isang Gian? Huhu. Sanaoil, Gian. Sanaoil.