I hate him. I hate him. I hate him!

Paulit-ulit ang mga salitang iyon sa isip ko. Just when I thought that we could actually get along because of our conversation last night, he just had to go and ruin everything. Bakit ba kasi ang bida bida niya? Kulang ba siya sa pansin or something? Why does he have to be so bibo over this? I can't help but think tuloy na he has an ulterior motive that's why he's so extra. I mean, wala namang gagawa ng ganitong katinding "effort" para sa isang katulad ko na hindi man lang niya kilala, right?

Napabuntong-hininga ako pagkaupong-pagkaupo ko sa kama ko. I'm really disappointed with Gian. I know I'm not in the position to feel this way kaso ewan ko ba. That's just how I felt pagkatapos ng nangyari kanina. It's as if he broke my trust agad kahit na I really don't trust him that well. Hay, ewan. Ang gulo.

Three knocks on the door brought me back to my senses. Hinintay ko kung bubuksan na ba agad nung nasa labas yung pintuan but I didn't hear a thing. I waited din kung magpapakilala ba siya but nothing.

Pabebe. Ang arte. I thought to myself. I was about to ask kung sino ba talaga ang nandoon when someone crossed my mind.

Don't tell me...

"Aisleen, can we talk?" mahinang tanong ni Gian and I rolled my eyes in annoyance almost automatically. I knew it. Hindi rin talaga makapagpipigil 'tong bwisit na 'to. Doesn't he know the word space?

"Please..." dugtong niya. I let out a heavy sigh because of that. He was making me feel guilty for what happened kanina. Damn it. I'm not like this. I was never like this! Ano bang meron 'tong lalaking 'to at grabe ang epekto niya sa akin at sa buhay ko? He's always putting me on the extremes—kung hindi ako tuwang-tuwa na asarin siya, bwisit na bwisit naman ako sa kanya.

Gosh. I really hate him!

"What for? Ano pa bang idaragdag mo, ha? Masaya ka na bang namamanipula mo na ang buhay ko? My parents would always agree to everything that you will say naman e. What's the point in involving me in the conversation?" Ikaw na lang kaya ang pumalit sa akin bilang anak nila? I wanted to continue but I chose not to. But without even realizing it, I was crying na pala.

Ano ba namang mga luha 'to? Wrong timing kahit kailan.

"Aisleen, it's not like that. That's not my intentio—"

"No, Gian. Just shut it. Ayaw ko na. I want out. I take back everything I've said last night. Mas okay pa kung wala ka rito sa bahay at sa buhay ko," sabi ko while trying my best to hide the fact that I'm crying. Pero nang napahikbi ako nang malakas, I knew I was doomed. And I was right dahil bago ko pa man mapigilan ang sarili kong humikbi muli, the door of my room opened. I heard Gian curse a number of times before I felt his arms around me.

Shit. This ain't right. Ano bang ginagawa nito?

I tried to push Gian away but to no avail. Nanghihina na ako dahil sa pag-iyak ko and with the build that he has, it's almost impossible for me to be able to do so.

"W-what are you doing?" nauutal na tanong ko sa kanya. As much as I didn't want to admit it but the heat that's coming from his body is actually calming me down. It was as if we've been doing this for a long time already and I'm actually comfortable with it.

Oh, God. This is so wrong on so many levels.

I mentally slapped myself para matauhan ako. Even if I'm kind of liking the way his hug calms me down, I have to wake myself up. Hindi kami close ni Gian so why on earth is he hugging me right now?! Kahit na parang huggable siya, I have to stop whatever this is! Damn it!

"Stop hugging me, will you?!" singhal ko sa kanya. Agad namang nagpaulan ng mura si Gian dahil sa sinabi ko. He then pulled away from me and naramdaman ko rin ang pagtayo niya mula sa kama ko. I know I asked for it pero bakit parang nalungkot ako nung bumitaw siya sa pag-hug niya sa akin?

Damn it. No. This can't be!

"S-sorry. I heard you sobbing and I did the first thing that came into my mind."

"And that is to hug me? Excuse me, Mr. Madrigal. We're not even friends so how dare you hug me just like that?" I straightforwardly asked him, not minding the fact that the tone of voice was a mixture of disbelief and annoyance. As much as I could, I tried my best to hide the panghihinayang in my voice. I can't let him know that he has this certain effect on me. Not now. Not ever.

"Look, I'm really sorry. I panicked and—"

"Stop saying sorry, will you? Nakaririndi na. Will you just keep on committing mistakes and say sorry every freakin' time? Paulit-ulit na lang ba tayo? I hate going in circles, okay?" I told him at hindi nakatas sa pandinig ko ang pagbuntong-hininga niya. If I could be completely honest here, parang nakaka-guilty yung pagtataray ko ngayon pero ewan. I just can't help it whenever I am with him. His decisions about my life are making me more bitchy than necessary.

Buong pag-aakala ko ay patatahimikin na ako ni Gian but I got that wrong. Without warning, bigla niyang hinawakan ang kamay ko. Tinangka kong bitawan 'yon pero mas hinigpitan lang niya ang pagkakahawak niya roon. His hand was a little rough yet it felt warm against mine. I'm not even sure how on earth is that possible. Basta ganoon na lang ang naramdaman ko.

"Aisleen, I won't be repeating what I'm about to say so listen carefully. Don't even try to cut me off again this time. Please, nagmamakaawa na ako." Halata na nga sa boses ni Gian ang pagmakakaawa. Para bang pagod na pagod na rin siya sa paikot-ikot na sitwasyon naming dalawa. May sasabihin siya at kung hindi man ako nagagalit doon, pinuputol ko naman siya.

We were too far from having a decent conversation. It was frustrating and very stressful. Nakapapagod na rin pala ang makipagtalo sa kanya, sa totoo lang.

"A chance. What I'm asking for is a chance," puno ng pagsusumamong sabi ni Gian. I mentally shook my head as I tried to clear my thoughts. Now is not the right time to think of unnecessary things. Hindi naman dapat double meaning 'to. I shouldn't think too much about it, right?

"Sinusubukan ko lang naman ang lahat para mapabuti ang lagay mo. Trust me, I know whatever you're going through right now. Alam ko ang pakiramdam. Nakita ko na 'yan sa kapatid ko noon." Saglit na tumigil si Gian sa pagsasalita. I'm not sure pero pakiramdam ko, para bang he's choosing his words carefully. Maybe he's afraid that I might burst again and then I'll completely shut him off from my life. Ewan. Naguguluhan na rin talaga ako.

Makalipas ang ilang segundo, nagsalita na ulit si Gian na hindi pa rin binibitawan ang kamay ko.

"Hindi ko naman sinasabing sumali ka agad sa organization na sinasabi ko. All I'm asking is for a chance for me to show you kung ano ang pwedeng maitulong sa'yo ng org. Hindi naman kita pinipilit. God, the last thing that I would do is to force someone to do things they aren't comfortable to do. Let's check the organization first then I'll help you get over your obstacles. Would that be okay?" kalmadong sabi ni Gian sa akin. At that time, I'm not sure kung paano ba dapat mag-react. I wanted to see his face and his expressions when he uttered those words. I wanted to look into his eyes to know if he was really sincere with what he had said. Pero paano ko naman gagawin 'yon sa sitwasyon ko ngayon?

Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko at huminga ako nang malalim. Pinipilit kong pakalmahin ang sarili ko. I'm still having second thoughts with this. Hindi rin nakatutulong sa sitwsyon ang pagkakahawak niya sa kamay ko. Pakiramdam ko, it was clouding my decisions. It was affecting me big time and I hate it. Wala namang malisya 'to so why the hell is my heart beating fast right now?

"Aisleen?" pagtawag sa akin ni Gian nang hindi pa rin ako sumasagot sa tanong niya. If I were the old me, I would try my best not to make any eye contact with him. Kahit anong pagpupumilit niya, hindi ko siya papansinin. But that's not the case now. Even if I tried, it would be very difficult for me to avoid him. Nasa kanya ang advantage sa sitwasyon namin ngayon and I'm hating that fact wholeheartedly.

"What?!" pagtataray ko sa kanya. I then heard him tsked dahil sa pagbabago na naman ng ugali ko. For sure, nauubos na ang pasensya niya sa akin. Can't blame him though. Nauubos na nga rin ang pasensya ko sa sarili ko e.

"Please?" pagmamakaawa na naman niya. Kung pwede nga lang siguro, sinamahan niya pa ng pag-pout 'yon with matching pleading eyes. Gosh. He would probably look cute while doing that.

Wait. Oh my God. Why am I even thinking about that? Erase, erase!

"Would you even respect my decision if I said no?" tanong ko sa kanya kahit na alam ko naman na ang sagot.

"No?" sagot niya at narinig ko ang mahinang pagtawa niya pagkatapos niyon. Pilit kong binitawan ang kamay niyang nakahawak sa akin at hinampas ko na naman siya. As usual, hindi man lang siya nasaktan kaya dinire-diretso ko ang pagpalo sa braso niya hanggang sa hulihin niya ang dalawang kamay ko.

"HOY!" sigaw ko habang nagpupumiglas sa hawak niya. With our position right now, I feel so vulnerable. Wala na nga akong makita, hindi ko pa maigalaw yung mga kamay ko. Hindi ko na ma-predict kung ano ba ang susunod na gagawin nitong bwisit sa harapan ko. Paano na lang kung bigla akong sunggaban ng halik nito?

Wait. What? Saan nanggaling 'yon?

"Hoy ka rin. Nakarami ka na ah!" reklamo naman ni Gian.

"Ikaw kasi e!"

"Pumayag ka na nga kasi. Sasamahan lang muna kita sa organization tapos pakinggan mo lang kung ano yung pwede nilang i-offer sa'yo. If after that, hindi mo pa rin talaga gusto, hindi na kita pipilitin. Ni hindi mo na rin maririnig mula sa akin yung org na 'yon." To be honest, Gian's offer was a little bit tempting but I still had my reservations about it. Hindi ko pa rin talaga kasi alam kung ano bang maidudulot sa akin noon. And honestly, ano na bang pakinabang sa akin nung org kung babalik din naman yung paningin ko kapag natuloy nga yung operation ko? Wala naman na, 'di ba? So what's the point in going there?

"Paano kung ayaw ko pa rin?"

"Ililibre kita ng ice cream. Dali na."

"What am I? A child?" Hindi ko na naiwasang pagtaasan na naman siya ng boses. Para naman kasing ewan yung deal niya. Like hello? May ice cream naman kaya kami sa ref namin!

"E ano bang gusto mo?" tanong niya sa akin and that's when my crazy mind started to think of crazy things again.

"Ikaw."

"ANO?!" malakas na sigaw ni Gian at bigla na lang din niyang binitawan ang mga kamay ko. Pakiramdam ko pa nga bigla pa siyang umatras palayo sa akin. He was saying it softly pero rinig na rinig ko pa rin ang sunod-sunod na mura mula sa bibig niya.

And with that, I bursted out laughing.

"Stop it, woman! Hindi ka na nakatutuwa!" sigaw na naman sa akin ni Gian na sinundan ng malulutong na mura. I have never heard someone curse as often as him. Para na siyang rapper na Gloc-9 levels pero ang sinasabi lang naman niya ay puro mura. Damn it. Ang cute cute!

"Tumigil ka na sabi e!" sabi ni Gian but I still couldn't stop my laughter. But when he suddenly held my wrists and I felt his weight on top of me, wala nang lumabas na tawa mula sa bibig ko. Tangina. Feeling ko nga, pati paghinga ko, tumigil na. Oh, God. This is wrong, right?

"Ano? Nasaan na yung tawa mo ha?" tanong ni Gian sa akin and I swear to God, para na akong mababaliw sa sitwasyon namin ngayon. I could feel his breath fanning my face and I could also feel his heat against my body. If we were in some sort of romance book, he would probably dip down and kiss me senseless right now. But no. Wala namang romance sa pagitan naming dalawa so I should stop thinking about that right now.

Imbis na makipagtalo kay Gian, wala na akong ibang nagawa kung hindi lunukin ang laway ko. I was obviously at a loss here. Wala akong laban sa kanya. Kaso shit. Bakit ako kinakabahan nang ganito? I was never like this with William naman before!

"Sorry na. Ginaya ko lang naman yung sagot mo kagabi. Peace na tayo?" kinakabahan kong sabi sa kanya. Bago pa siya makasagot, itinulak ko na siya paalis sa ibabaw ko.

"Pasalamat ka talaga..." I heard him mumble but I wasn't able to catch the last few words of his sentence. Curious, I asked him kung ano yung sinasabi niya but just like what I have expected, itinanggi niyang may sinasabi siya. Tingnan mo talaga 'tong bwisit na 'to!

"I would only accept your apology kung papayag kang sumama sa organization."

"Punyeta. Saan ba 'yan at when will we go there?" I asked him and I heard him laugh before he cleared his throat and said, "We'll leave at fifteen minutes. Go fix yourself... or do you need me to help you with that?"

"Gago. Umalis ka na nga rito!" sigaw ko sa kanya at tuluyan na ngang tumawa ang bruho. Bwisit!