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Chapter 6

"So, how did you spend your week, Malachi? Have you experienced problems that occurred in your wellbeing? You can tell me about it or not, it's your choice." Miss Sandra started. As soon as she settled down on the white and gold wing chair, she instantly asked for my attention for the next hour and a half.

Welcome to another episode of weekly boring therapy with Miss Sandra. We'll obviously be going to talk about the usual things. Wala namang bago do'n. But I'm also learning something new from her, she's quite impressive in some ways. But I'm also not gonna say that I'm looking forward to meeting her. It sucks to know that I needed her in my life. That I needed people who will provide something special for me.

But I'm trying to look at the better side now, there might be something good that'll happen soon. But I am never sure of what's gonna happen. The future is uncertain. One perfect situation right now could still go wrong. And what will be the result of it? Could be the worst moment of my life. Still, we'll never know.

I crossed my legs and gave a slight nod to her. "It was fine, nothing exciting happened. Just like a normal week for me," I signed.

"Even though nothing happened, it is still good, Kai." She smiled and jotted down on her notes. She just had a quick glance on it then returned to me. "How do you think this therapy works for you, Kai? I would just know what's in your head and how this was beneficial for you."

Her questions intended to have a direct answer, too. But if I told her that this doesn't really help, maybe a little, but not in most situations, I could lie in front of her face. I guess that's the easy part of meeting Miss Sandra every week.

"I don't know. I'm sure this helps me in some way, but I don't think this is beneficial. I never had the intention of killing myself from that drug overdosed. And I know that's the reason why you're here, too. And before it goes anywhere, I'm fine now and I'm not really turning myself into that situation... just the thoughts maybe," I signed and I hope she understood what I said.

She nodded at me, pressed a thin smile on her face.

"I didn't mean to offend you, Miss Sandra." I signed.

She immediately shook her head, "No, Kai. You didn't offend me or in any matter. This is how I liked to be us. We interact, share our feelings and all. I want to understand what you're going through and I'm just here to help and guide you along the way. I wouldn't put you in a situation where it doesn't make you comfortable. If you think what we're doing is enough, I can sort this out to your parents."

Hindi ako sumagot sa huling salita na sinabi niya. If I told her that I'm not interested anymore, ako naman ang pagbubuntungan ng mga salita ng magulang ko. So might as well let it be, at kung hanggang kailan ito magtatagal.

Miss Sandra fixed her position on her seat before proceeding to another topic.

"Anyway, I want to ask you for another thing. What about the assignment that I told you a few weeks ago? How is it now? Would you be able to present something to me now?"

Napaismid ako. Hindi 'ko sigurado kung sasabihin 'ko ba sa kanya 'yon o sasarilihin ko na lang.

"I have one in my mind but I think it's too impossible," I signed.

"Oh, nothing is impossible, my dear." She smiled. "What is it then?"

"It's about music. I want to play... sing. But those are the things I can't possibly learn with this kind of disability. Yeah, sure I have my device but it doesn't fully help me. My capabilities lessens each day with regards to it. So I don't think it's the right thing for me. I might just find another thing to present. Forget about it, Miss Sandra."

But she didn't accept it. Inilingan niya ako, hindi kuntento sa sinabi ko.

If she's going to pursue it for me, then she'll have to give her best because I won't do it. Marami akong gustong gawin, nasa kakayahan ko naman but when it comes to the things I like, bigla na lang akong umuurong kasi imposible. So I stayed at the back of the line. I could never step out of my comfort zone again.

"No, Kai, please, let me know what you have in mind. Hindi dapat binabalewala ang ganyang mga ideas. The potential you have right now, pwede pa 'yang ma-develop. And if you're thinking that it won't justify it, think of every person with a disability who has gone through so much worse but they still do what they want to do. Gano'n ang gusto kong mangyari sa 'yo, Kai. Being deaf shouldn't hold you to do the things that you want to do. Don't forget you're a human, too. Of course, you have emotions and doubts but let it go, Kai. Let this thing be your guide to be better. Are you following me?"

I nodded at her. Well, she has a point. I've seen people on television and somewhere in social media that people that are blind, mute or losing a part of their body doesn't mean that'll stop them to do such things. Instead, the difference they had from those normal people are much more appreciated. I guess I just need to lean on that thought from now on.

"So, you want to do some music?" She asked and I nodded. "Well, playing an instrument can be learned. It's a process and every person who tried started as a beginner. Kahit pa ang mga magagaling na professionals ngayon, they started at the bottom. And because they took seriously on it and became their passion, hindi nila binitawan kung hindi mas pinaghusayan pa nila. You can do that, too, you can start with basic and over time, you can be like anyone else. Anong instrument ba ang gusto mong gamitin if you have something in mind?"

"Guitar," I spoke.

She nodded. "That'll be good for you, Kai. And did you know that music helps some people to relax and release the tension and problems? Listening to music makes them feel great. And just because you can't hear a sound without your device, Kai, it doesn't mean you can't listen to it, too. There's a lot of ways, feeling the vibration or humming to the tune of the music. Do you also want to sing, Kai?"

I shrugged. "Sort of," I answered.

"Why don't you speak more often, Kai?"

"I choose not to." I signed.

"Well, we can work on that, too. I'm also a speech specialist which can help you with it. But, of course, it is still your decision if you want to pursue it or not. What do you think, Kai?"

I shrugged off, I don't know what to answer.

"I'm sure you'll have a beautiful voice, Kai. People would love to hear you..."

I nodded and took a deep breath.

***

Our session ended quick today. May kailangan pa raw siyang puntahan kaya nagmamadali rin siyang umalis. And it's fine for me so I can rest.

When I left the session room, nakasalubong ko si Millarca.

"Is it done?" She asked and I nodded. "Would you like to go out with Weston tonight? Pupunta kami sa isang party, baka gusto mo lang naman sumama."

Umiling naman ako. I don't want to be with a man who's cheating on my sister.

Hindi rin kasi naniniwala si Millarca na niloloko siya ni Weston. I also didn't give enough proof para paniwalaan niya 'yon. She just told me na baka nagkamali lang ako ng pandinig o kaya nagka-defect ang device ko. Gusto ko man hayaan pero nababahala pa rin ako dahil kapatid ko si Millarca. I don't want to see her hurting at the end of the day. And if I'm risking it to their upcoming wedding, I'll do it because she shouldn't end up with an unfaithful husband.

We separated when I walked into my room. Binagsak ko ang katawan ko sa kama ko at parang walang ganang gumalaw. I took off the device out of my ear and started pulling my clothes and left with boxers.

Nakaka-drain ng energy sa tuwing may session kaming dalawa ni Miss Sandra. For an hour and a half na pag-uusap, sino bang hindi mapapagod do'n? It felt like a fucking whole day for me.

Sumundot naman sa isipan ko 'yong sinabi niya kanina.

You have a beautiful voice.

I never listened to my voice, I never bothered listening to myself with the device, even though speaking a word cringed me already. But the idea sets in my head and it also might be a good idea to try it. Wala namang mawawala.

I grabbed my phone and settled my position on the bed. I put the device back on my ear and set my phone on audio record.

Just like what I said to Miss Sandra, I can speak but not fluently like normal. I can manage to say a few words, but I chose not to most of the time. But what if I tried to do it? What if my voice became my instrument for them to hear me? Could it be good or might be the worst idea after all?

I cleared my throat, pressed the button, and sang a few lines. Tinigil ko rin agad 'yon dahil pakiramdam ko'y hindi siya magandang ideya. Feel na feel ko pa at may pagpikit pa ng mata but insecurity sets in. Hindi ko na itinuloy.

I took off the device out of my ear again and laid down on the bed. Nakatitig lang ako sa kisame hangga't sa naramdaman kong nag-vibrate ang phone ko. Agad ko namang tiningnan kung anong notification ang natanggap ko. Nakita ko naman agad ang icon ng isang dating app at may naka-matched ako roon. I opened the app and looked at her message.

Hello there, hottie.

Then she sent a picture of her in a bikini, her face was included in the photo so I thought that this is her and not a catfish.

I composed a message, Yeah you're hot, too.

Send me a dick pic.

Napakunot ang noo ko sa sunod niyang sinabi niya.

I replied, Do you want to do a video call?

Sure. She quickly replied.

She sent her number and we immediately did a video call. Nagulat naman ako sa bigla dahil binungaran niya ako ng boobs niya on screen. She's already naked and I started touching my bulge. I don't know what to feel but I'm just watching her touch herself and that brought so much tension in my body.

Nakatutok lamang ang camera ko sa upper body ko at patuloy siyang pinapanood. She's licking her fingers sexually, and then she grabbed a dildo out of nowhere and she sucked it crazy. Buong-buo sa bibig ang seven inches na sex toy na 'yon. Pinasok ko ang kamay ko sa loob ng boxers ko at hinimas ang aking pagkakalaki.

I was about to pull down my boxers and let out the raging beast out of me nang matigilan ang babaeng kausap ko. She stopped sucking the sex toy and she's talking to me. Tinakpan niya ng towel ang kanyang dibdib at naalala ko naman bigla ang hearing aid at nang ilalagay ko na sa tainga ko ay bigla nitong pinatay ang video call.

That left me frozen in my position. I put my phone and the device on the table and looked at my private part and it's like losing a life on its own after what happened.

I exhaled deeply. And once again, I failed at this thing. When will I get the right piece to have a normal dating, active sexual life if it's always gonna turn out like this? Maybe, I haven't found the right person for me... or I did, I just failed to see it.

Yup. It's always gonna be my fault.

***

Hi there!

Thanks for reading Let Me Hear as well as Let Me See by areyaysii and Let Me Speak by PrincessThirteen00 ! If you haven't read their stories yet, go for it! And see how these stories connect with each other.

Merci beaucoup! A la semaine prochaine !