'I still remember
how it felt the first time
you put your arms around me'
                -bliss (pinterest)

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After 5 months

Sadhvi’s POV

We were celebrating Rajveen’s daughters first birthday tonight.

Expected, Rajveen took her day off to do the preparations for the event and I was the one who was doing all the wrapping and closing of the clinic.

Me being more of a cardio person took care of yoga classes too, though Rajveens' junior attended them but I sure did a few bendings as well.

To add upto the occasion I had a surprise of my own. I needed to share the news with my husband the first.

After all he had equally participated in it.

I suppressed a grin driving my way to my house, my throat vibrating with a random song I heard from somewhere.

I stopped the car on the red light and palmed my stomach, I was two months through when.

Avrudh was home awaiting my arrival since we were going to the party venue together. The husband of mine was almost sitting on his phone like usual, he was texting and calling me after every interval, asking my whereabouts.

Something Dads use to do. Like when they get ready faster than every one in the family and start rushing all.
Exactly like that.

I had to pick up a gift for baby Rishika on my way home and while looking at the baby accessories I couldn’t hold myself but bought a pair of shoes for myself too.

I will reveal the secret using them only.

I looked at the pair resting in their box on my passenger seat, then lookinh at the bag resting at the backseat through the rear view mirror.

Call me crazy, I bought a complete package, one more pair of shoes for my unborn and clothes too.

I cannot help myself, the store was loaded with good things.

All my life, I have never been someone who fancy kids, but once Grace from Monte Carlo said- "people do change, Aunt Alicia"

The way to my home showed traffic on the GPS so I switched to the other route, instead of taking the flyover which was jammed with police barricading and cars driving with speed far slow than a snail.
I was trying to reach my husband as soon as I can, I needed to share the excitement as early as possible- my stomach couldn’t take it anymore.

I mean there's no room. You get me?

I have been culturing the anxiety within me since three days now. I needed confirmation about the duration I was past, and what condition I was in.

It has been five month since Meheka’s wedding so I conceived near to almost a month or two after that, it looked like.

I was blushing- grinning- smiling, in short, I was a giddy mess to look at this whole day.

Avrudh will be so in trouble, the moment I see him I am going to reveal the big news to him and I am very much certain that the dumb husband I have will need my words to know.
The high court judge I have in my home could be this dumb sometimes.

How to quote it to him?
I was planning that—
'Avrudh I think my stomach is growing and it will not stop growing until nine month?'

Or 'Avrudh I bought us these baby shoes. You know since it has been two months already'
  He might not understand this hint, he could be really dense sometimes about such stuff, like I said.

I took a right turn entering the premises of Jawaharlal Nehru University and heaved a sigh noticing no traffic there.

The radio playing Ek Kahani Aisi Bhi season 5- (yes I still listen to radio)-
I was engrossed listening to the RJ narrating the whole horror story so scarily that it was as if the ghost he was talking about was sitting on my back seat itself and was smirking looking at me.

I was scared so much that I stopped using the rear view mirror until I encounter more than 2 cars on the road.

Suddenly my eyes rested on something, I smiled automatically when my eyes saw a cute white puppy attempting to cross the road.

Somehow the little guy was successful in crossing the opposite side of the road but now he was struggling to get down of the high divider.

The puppy was successful climbing up, how?
I wouldn’t know, but now in between those huge flower pots he looked tinier than he already was.

I grinned when I found him barking a little to the other side of the road where his siblings were, surrounding a big brown cartoon.
Few of them were peaking inside and the rest playing among themselves and my tiny baby was the special amongst them.

I looked into the mirror and when I saw no cars coming behind me, I stopped the car in the left driveway. I was in really good mood today.

Leaving my phone inside the car and pushing my hair off my face, I climbed out to help the poor little soul. I pouted when I met his eyes from the other side of the road and looked once again to the right, looking for vehicles.

Within seconds I was standing in front of the puppy and grinned when he coward in fear and attempted to growl at me.

I showed him my hand and cooed at him.

“Hey, little guy. You in trouble?”
I sat down in front of him, being careful since I am advised not to do crouching with a rush.

Using my hand a little higher I tried patting his head and on the second attempt I was successful in keeping my fingers on his small skull.

“You see? I am a good girl, I will not hurt you.”
I patted his head good and when he stopped cowering I scratched behind his ear. He looked at me like my Copper does.

“Come on, let’s take you to your family.”
I picked him up in my arms and turned to walk towards the direction where the rest of his team was.

“Where’s your mommy hhh?”
I cooed at him and as soon as I was halfway through the road my ears twitched when I heard the soft of crying, a muffled sound.

My head looked up suddenly no more interested in the puppy, I looked in every possible direction for the baby then only my eyes and ears matched and found the box.

My heart was beating erratically in my chest. I was once again imagining the worst.

I gulped.

My feet rushed and the muffled cries became louder. My jaw was aching because of clenching too hard.

I kept the dog beside one of his brothers and slide the box which was vibrating towards me and away from the other puppies.

Please don’t be, what I am thinking you to be

Dear lord don’t be so brutal.

I gulped noticing the cry that became even louder now that I am in front of the box, I looked heavenwards, suddenly I didn’t wanted to open the box and reveal the child crying inside.

God was cruel, not me. I can't. I didn't wanted to, yet I had no choice.

I don’t want to accept the reality that a mother could be this brutal.

Bracing my heart, praying for strength I opened the one intact big flap and then the two dog bitten smaller ones.

My heart skipped a beat when I saw a small foot moving and the cotton sheet moving with it, a very weak attempt.

My eyes welled with tears, a huge cry escaped my mouth, strangled I felt, as if my stomach flipped bad the moment I saw the infant.

The baby looked only a day or two old. My eyes started to shed tears with a speed I never knew existed.

“Oh god”
I rubbed the baby’s stomach because I didn't knew what else to do, the restless baby continued crying. The cry was very weak, so frail that it was only audible until few meters apart.

I gulped my cry inside my mouth once again and looked at his red face, the small ball of life was restless because his mother couldn’t be a mother enough to have her baby.

That bitch was a coward who wasn’t lucky to understand the importance of having this baby in her life.

She was not blessed at all to be a part of his life, she was lucky since was bless with something beautiful, not was she wasn’t blessed but, she wasn’t a mother, she was a coward.
she was a pathetic excuse for a woman who was aware she was conceiving a life but giving birth and taking care of the life was not in her life.

I prayed to the god sitting there all numb to not to give her another life ever again in her arms, if she couldn’t take care of this one then she deserve none.

She can discard a life of a poor innocent soul in a candy cartoon, she chose nothing but an abandoned road for the life who was to be blessed with happiness but instead she chose to give him death.

I looked everywhere in hopes to have my eyes resting on no one. Not a single soul anywhere near.

"Is there anybody around?"

I screamed in search before looking back at the baby, the baby flinched with my loud voice.  I pulled my lips together.

Wiped my tears involuntarily and called again, " hey, is there anyone?"

"PLEASE. Please come out, this isn't good. This isn't a good prank please."

"Please, don't be this cruel to this innocent child. Don't do this. The child has done nothing wrong. Please"
  I can't help it, even I wasn't able to understand what was coming out of my mouth as helpless as I was, it was all futile. No one was there not a single person.

Suddenly it was all anger I found myself filled with.

Who the hell was she to chose this fate for this infant. This pure soul who isn't even aware of this dark selfish world.

I cried with my heart there, sobbing like a kid and with shaky hands rubbed the baby’s cheek,
“I am so sorry that she couldn’t take care of you”

“I am sorry, that she was a coward, she left you here all alone.”

What if something happened to you?

With my hands and whole body shaking with anger and pain, I picked him up wobbling on my feet, held him to my chest, tears fell from my eyes.
“My baby…” I shook him to stop crying and the moment I rubbed my warm cheek to his nose softly he started to breath. The ball of life took in a deep breath as id he just got acquainted with the concept called breathing.

“I am sorry. So sorry” I said and bounced on my feet a little keeping my cheek against him,
“You have me, I will take care of you”

I might saying things under influence of adrenaline but I wasn't a bitch like that mother is.
I was giving him my body warmth and assuring the baby in my try to understand he isn’t alone anymore.

When two or three minutes passed and he wasn’t crying anymore just small dry shakes to catch his breath, I then only tried to pull back to look at his face when he started to shift and cry again, my heart wrenched
“No, no, it’s okay, okay, I am not leaving you, you are still with me. Never, I would never leave a beautiful baby like you”
I cooed and once again gave him my cheek.

I rubbed my face softly against his nose because it gave me a weird sensation of warmth, a strange feeling stirred in my stomach.
I smiled sadly and looked around for someone to pass by again in hopes.

There passed one or two cars but none stopped, my smile remained when I saw the puppy I helped looking at me with those eyes,  then I touched the feet of the baby in my arm, he was hot.

He was running a fever possibly from what I can say.

The world is cruel I have been told but never knew I will get to see something this harsh.

Leaving an innocent life alone to possibly die was a sin never forgivable.

Little did from inside I was praying to the god, praying that his mother was out there keeping an eye on him, she was making sure nobody was there hurting him.

I wanted to believe what my heart was saying is true, she was standing there behind that tree, looking at her child, making sure no animal was hurting him. She was waiting for him to be picked by someone like me.

She was making sure that what she couldn’t do. The courage she couldn’t have somebody else has and is acting up on it.

My body turned a 360, to see if what I wanted to trust was there and when I found nothing I bit on my lip and started to walk in the direction of my car.
Long forgotten what all I needed to do tonight. Cry, I wanted to cry my heart out was the first thing that came to my mind.

With the baby in my arms I struggled to get inside the car but once done, I lulled him until he was asleep.

Everything was feeling to be in slow motion.
I wanted to smile at the way he has buried himself in my chest and between my face, as if he is once again back inside his mothers’ womb, safe and away from his mother’s cowardice.

The moment I tried taking him off my body, trying to keep him secured in the next seat to me he started to weak cry again, I have to be home for him, to take care of him, my body as if on its own pulled him back upon hearing his cry to itself.
“Baby we need to take you to the hospital, you need medical attention first” I cooed at him but he clutched the collar of my dress in his weak fingers crying

“Okay, okay, we are not going anywhere, nobody can separate me from you, okay?”
I cooed and once again gave him my cheek

“Never, never, never… I am never leaving you. I am there, always”

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'You have no idea
how it feels everytime
I think of you'
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So this was a little
emotional chapter,
Do tell me how it felt?

With love,
Ankita 🐿️