A/N: Just a reminder that act one's pace might seem like it's quicker than my tyler joseph fic for example, but please remember that college days is only the lead up to the main part of the story, which is vessel era in act two :)

-ALSO, wanted to mention that updates will be more frequent around the weekend if I get the time. I am in my last semester of high school and need to focus on my other projects before this book, but hopefully around june/july updates will be more regular.

||Jamilla Tate|| First Person ||

        The loud shutter of Garrett's DSLR camera sounds and startles me out of my studying, my heart hammering in my chest as I look over at him in alarm. Garrett straightens up in his seat from hunching over his camera, looking at me with a large smile on his face after taking yet another impromptu photo of me while I tried to finish off some research for my History paper. I shake my head with a light laugh as I drop my pen on top of my notebook, glaring playfully at the boy. "You're a character, Garrett."

        "I'm sorry," he smiles bashfully at me. "You just looked really cute-- frustration suits you." He says lightly as he looks back down at his camera, flicking through the pictures on his memory card-- the same memory card that caused us to meet. Looking at the smile on his face, the expression of pure and genuine happiness curling his lips up into a permanent grin, I can't help but feel guilty.

        I don't think I necessarily need to feel officially guilty of anything, because so far neither Josh nor Garrett are anything official. After the party on Halloween, Garrett had understandably started treating me differently-- whether it's leaning down to kiss me randomly while I work or texting a small 'xx', he's never officiated anything. We haven't sat down and asked each other what we really are doing-- we've just been letting it run its course and hoping for the best. But what makes me guilty is the fact that I know Garrett isn't in my plans for 'best.' I know that he likes me more than anyone really should, and I know that I've been an insufferable piece of shit for leading him on when I can't possibly love him the same way that he loves me, but I don't want to have to lose him. Josh isn't mine-- he never was--, but Garrett is the first person to actually... want me. He's the first person to look at me like I've just made his entire existence, and after spending eighteen years in an emotionally abusive environment where at times I felt like my parents would be happier and healthier without me, I really enjoy the feeling of having someone love me unconditionally.

        "You're so annoying," I grin as I look back at my textbook, twirling my pen between my fingertips as I try to reread the passage about the Roman Catholic Church in the 1500s. Garrett sits back in his chair and busies himself with his own French homework, his eyes flitting upwards every now and then to check up on me adoringly. I bite my lip and can't help the fuzzy feeling that overwhelms me every time our eyes meet, but something about it all doesn't seem as... right as I wish it would.

        "There you are," my head snaps up upon hearing Josh's voice, the smiling boy walking over to my table purposefully. I frown when I see him, mostly because his eyes still look tired and restless after his panic attack the night before, but Garrett misinterprets my facial expression and something suddenly changes within the boy. Garrett drops his pen and glares up at Josh, his eyebrows furrowed with annoyance and confusion at the sight of Josh. "Jam--" Josh starts.

        "Why are you here?" Garrett says, rising to his feet and standing a few inches over Josh, who has to tilt his head to look up at him. "Jamilla doesn't want to--"

        "Garrett, it's okay," I try to say in a soothing voice, reaching out and resting a hand on his arm lightly. I can see the muscles in his forearm tensing at the sight of Josh trying to talk to me-- he doesn't know about what happened last night. Garrett turns to look at me, his expression softening for a moment when he sees my concerned expression. "It's okay."

        "Am I interrupting something?" Josh asks nervously, tucking his hands into the pockets of his jeans so that nobody would have to see them trembling the way they did last night. "I can, uh--"

         "No, Josh, you stay." I state clearly, not removing my hand from over Garrett's arm, the sleeves of his green sweater rolled up to his elbows. "I'll be just a minute," I tell him, tugging on Garrett's arm, who reluctantly trails after me as I pull him aside to the vending machines. I can see Josh shuffling his feet awkwardly as he stands by the table, his gaze glued to the floor.

         "You wanna tell me what's going on, Jamilla?" Garrett narrows his eyes at me, his arms crossing protectively over his chest. I twiddle my thumbs nervously, rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet. "You guys have been fighting over who-knows-what for weeks!"

         "We're sorting things out." I tell Garrett honestly, because I don't want to go into detail about the fact that Josh was a sobbing mess on his floor last night because he was overwhelmed by everything that was going on. I don't know if he would understand. "We have plans to go to a movie."

         Garrett turns his head away from me to glance back at Josh, who is refusing to make any sort of eye contact whatsoever with him. "I don't trust him." No matter how upset I was with Josh for these past few weeks, hearing Garrett, of all people, telling me that he doesn't trust Josh throws me off entirely.

         "Hold up-- you don't trust Josh?" I scoff in disbelief, running a hand through my curly hair aggressively. "I trust him, and I've known him a hell of a lot longer than I've known you." Garrett opens his mouth to speak, whether to apologize for his distrust or to further lecture me, I don't know because I'm rubbing my face with my hand and huffing out an apology first.

        "Hey, it's okay," Garrett says softly, worry etched into his features. "I was out of line, I'm sorry."

        "I'll text you when we get back," I tell Garrett, reaching forward and wrapping him up into a tight hug. Garrett blows an exhausted sigh against the top of my head, planting a light kiss to my crown. "Thank you for understanding."

        "Be safe, Jami," Garrett tells me, and I nod before pulling away and heading back over to the table with Garrett lagging behind me at a slower pace. I close my History textbook and shove it into my bag along with my notebook and pen, grabbing my coat and slipping into it quickly.

          "Come on, Josh," I tell my neighbour, and he smiles and nods his head as I walk around the table after waving Garrett good bye. "You excited?" I ask him in the hopes of returning to the light banter we so frequently had with one another.

         "Two hours of British kids waving pointy sticks around while screaming in latin?" Josh grins at me, his hands tucked into his pockets as we walk towards the doors. "Very excited."

_____

        "Do you think I can get away with a child ticket?" I tilt my head upwards to look at Josh, who bursts out into laughter just as he is inserting his debit card into the ATM-esque machine that allows you to purchase your movie ticket without waiting in line at the front desk.

          "It's only ten bucks, Jami." Josh chides me, and I cross my arms over my chest as I lean against the side of the machine.

        "It'd be less than that if I was shorter," I say, looking at Josh who can't seem to wipe the grin off of his face as he taps the Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire movie poster. He pauses for a moment, squinting at the screen in disbelief before looking over at me apologetically. "Uh oh, what's that face for, Jaded Josh?" I ask, though I can almost sense what's happened.

          "6 o'clock showing is sold out," he says disappointingly.

        "Are there any others?" I try.

        "9:30 pm." He says after a moment.

        Josh and I exchange looks for a moment, our eyes locked in a knowing gaze as we think of what our plan of action is. A smirk curls Josh's lips up at the corners when I smile knowingly at him. "Guess we're watching it at 9," I say, and Josh wastes no time in choosing the earliest other show listing for tonight and paying for it. The machine prints out our tickets and the receipt, and Josh pockets both of them after deciding that I'd probably lose mine before the movie even started. Without thinking much of it, Josh takes my hand into his and begins to lead me out of the movie theatre section of the mall.

        "We have about four hours to kill," Josh tells me as we walk, and I know that I should retract my hand from his own and stop holding onto him, but I don't make a move to do so. "I'm hungry, are you hungry?"

        "I mean, sure," I tell him, following his quick stride as he leads me to the mall's food court purposefully. It all happens so fast-- I don't get why he moves so quickly. Suddenly I'm sitting at a table and he's leaving me so he can go buy us food before I could even get my wallet and give him some of my dwindling pocket money. I really need to find that job.

        I've only been to the mall maybe once or twice with Tara, Becca, and Scarlet, but most of the time I don't tend to go out because of the whole money issue. I've got maybe a little less than a hundred bucks left after buying necessities like hair products and hygienic items on the regular, along with snacking. I have a résumé created and ready to pass out, but nobody ever calls me back for a position, even a dishwashing gig.

        And of course, it's not like I could ask any family for some money-- they wouldn't give me anything after what I did to them-- after what I put them through. I disappeared one day with no note or anything, just a chunk of my belongings missing and a made bed for them to make up their perceptions of what went on during the night when they slept. They wouldn't ever want to support me after that, not my aunts, not my uncles...

        "What's that frown on your face for?" Josh asks as he sets our trays on the table between us, settling in his seat but not starting on his food just yet. Instead, he leans toward me and studies my expression, all too much care and concern in his eyes as he searches for my thoughts on my face. "Is something wrong, Jamilla?"

        "Not this," I say, but even I can't be too sure about that. "Everything else, just not this." Josh smiles a sad one at me, and I feel the weight of his guilt as he grabs my hand in his and looks directly into my eyes.

        "I know there's something here, Jami." He tells me honestly. "And I know we've both made mistakes, but I want us to go back to normal."

        "How much normal is too much normal with what we both know?" I ask him, and his eyes flicker downwards to stare blankly at the table. "Josh, you know that I--"

        "You know that if given the chance, I would kiss you right here." He states clearly, looking back up at me with this intensity in his eyes that I almost don't recognize. Something in my stomach coils upon hearing his words because it's Josh saying them to me, but I stay still. "But you're dating Garrett." He adds, and I feel deflated all of a sudden.

        "I'll try to go back to normal if you do." I say, and he smiles and nods immediately. He looks down at our intertwined fingers for a moment, and something in his gaze flickers. And then he lets got of my hand.

        I don't think he picks it back up throughout the rest of the night.