30th March

Happy Birthday dear Beth/ BJ / Bethany

Happy Birthday To You!!!

One hundred or so voices hollered and yelled my birthday song, the main bar teamed with family and friends, well Alice and friends. I couldn't believe they all cared to bother and make the trip here to see little ole me.

"Speech !! Speech!" Alice started baying for a speech, others joining him in the chant, I shook my fist at him, he knows I'm not one for a ruckus.

"Alright, alright you lot! Hey! I hope you paid for that Keith!" Keith held up a jug of beer sculling it down made even funnier because he was dressed as the Queen of England, complete with tiara teetering on his head, he nodded, giving me the thumbs up when he finished the whole bloody jug. "That was a joke Mikey, I see the sad face. Alice is paying, so drink up!!"

"What can I say, well firstly thank-you from my heart for all your wonderful well wishes I will have to turn 30 more often! Ummm, sorry if I yelled at you in the past few months, yes ok- yelled at you more than usual- Harry, but I blame the meds and hopefully you will forgive me. Alice my rock, your upbeat nursing style gave me strength and courage to keep going helped so much when I felt alone with the migraines. You also look quite cute in a nurses uniform"

"I'll get you for that one young lady" Al smiled and lifted his glass to me.

"When I was needing someone the most. Mostly to pick my sorry ass up of the beach, while I was trying to ride Sterling. Re-learning how to balance. John was the one to laugh, then pick me up! He was great and I wish he was here so I could thank him properly but unfortunately he has been called away" I paused and looked at Alice for guidance, he once again smiled and gave me the thumbs up to keep going.

I faltered and felt deflated, tired of smiling I wanted to run and hide, birthdays aren't easy when you're sad, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to "Anyway let's eat cake and drink and have fun!!!" Everybody clapped and cheered.

Alice helped me down off my chair and we ate cake and drank and even had some fun, the vampires making sure I was entertained with their hilarious antics.

"Slow down BJ, you're going to blow a gasket, baby" Keith was being a big brother, half cut with liquor but still he kept an eye on me. "BJ maybe I can take you out next week"

I spit my drink out and hit Harry's shirt with most of it, he rolled his eyes and clipped Keith over the head.

"If you're going to ask her something wacky like that, wait til she has nothing in her gob next time" Harry retorted, grabbing paper towel to clean his shirt.

"Sorry Harry, that was quite a loaded question, that one" I giggled, the shots beginning to addle my head and I  turned a circle, for no reason, to answer Keith "Keith I'm... I don't know what to say actually...but.. but I can't. Not at the moment. Thanks for asking though. Im really flattered" Keith nodded and I left their crowd of revellers, making the kitchen and some respite from the noise, the turmoil in my skull followed me though.

John had left suddenly and just didn't come back, days led into weeks. He called apologising a few times, Alice taking the last few calls at Johns home. There were excuses obviously. Had to go overseas. Needed in New York, media interviews for the something or other. Wasn't I worth a day here and there, just one? I thought... arhh I just thought it was more. You know.. We packed up not long after the cold should was given, moved back to the bar when my head was behaving with the noise. I was yet to rehouse Sterling. John called earlier today, Alice took the call I didn't ask what he wanted, or said.

"Bethany there you are" Alice grabbed me from behind hugging me, making me hug him back "Do you have a headache" I shook my head and held his hand to my face, giving him a sisterly kiss then giving his hand back. "You're missing your party"

"I'm tired Al, I might lay down for a bit alright, you guys will be going for ages yet. I'll come back down later" I stood and walked to the keypad, pressing in my code 3003 "remind me to change the code tomorrow Al" He waved me off and I walked into our home.

Maybe I was too clingy from being sick I don't know. John seemed to relish looking after me but I could of been easily mistaken.

I wasn't myself, moody and hard to manage when I felt my pain would never leave. Like my head would explode. Maybe I scared him, the scars were pretty ugly and my temper horrid for a time.

"Just leave me the fuck alone the both of you. You don't know what is happening to me, you don't know it's going to be alright. This could be forever, Just leave me alone"
I yelled and cursed at Alice and John. I hated the pain barrelling through my head, a bullet would have been gentler and I hated the lamelessness of the words that 'everything would be ok'.

John would sit in the living room, I could hear Alice telling him it was the meds and the pain, then hearing John his voice, so tired, giving up saying that it wasn't... what did he say, yea "I can't help her, I should piss off like she says"

He did help me and I apologized when I was good. I even put down the headaches disappearing to his loving me so gently a few days before he left.

The night was beautiful, lovely and warm, a comfortable temperature to lay sans blankets and sheets to become tangled in. Moonlight streamed through the shutters as I lay quietly listening to an owl hooting in the distance, my head was aching but not badly and John was sitting on the end of the bed chatting about a new song he had written. I kicked him lightly to get his undivided attention and he jumped up, tackling me into the pillows kissing me like there were no tomorrows. I grasped him to me leaning into his body begging for release and he took me there and then, gently with the love and care of a master jewellery making me shine and shimmer. We slept, no sheets in the way of our bodies just skin to skin, every inch loved and contained in our sweet embrace.

A month without his laugh, his eyes, that voice and I was getting better every day, my head, my scars, my balance.. but my heart, well it has shrivelled from lack of love that I thought was mine, that I held so fleetingly. I often even wondered if I just imagined our connection, perhaps I just hoped I wouldn't be lonely anymore, channelling my feeling onto John when he alone paid me some attention.

I fell on the bed face first, hands and legs starfish not bothering to remove my shoes, makeup or clothes. I would re-join the party later so I didn't care. Sleep fetched me and I was gone.

I woke with a start about an hour or so later, got up and fixed my makeup. Sometime in the dark I had cried again, or was that still? I'm never quite sure anymore. Brushing my teeth, the mouthwash made my gums tingle slightly. Glancing in the mirror I rubbed the dark circles under my eyes, doing that, didn't make them any better.

I reapplied the cherry red lipstick that I only wore to parties, it was too much for any other day of the week. Straightening my black knee length dress, yes dress, I made sure it wasn't too crinkled from sleep. I could hear the party below me, the floor seemed to rumble with the din of the heavy beat of whatever music was playing.

I stared, analysing the lines of pink. The remains of the scars.

Now to my hair.. it was all around my face softening the sharp lines of my features, hiding the scars near my ears. I pulled it back into a bun at the nape of my neck. There she is, BJ, coming back to pick up where she left off, I left some tendrils hang down framing my face, scars almost hidden.

I'll have a smoke first, clear my head. Nasty habit but I only treated myself to the cancer stick on select days like birthdays, heartache and well, today was select, a few of the above mentioned.

Walking onto the roof I could hear the party goers having fun, the main doors opening and shutting. The roars of laughter, most probably a vampire or three playing up, rising and falling as the sound escaped. 

I lit my cigarette and inhaled.