By: rantytings

Package: Thistle

Summary

Nothing is the way it seems.

That line could work as a good hook for readers, though those words come across as a bit cliche for me. Additionally, that's the only line of the entire summary, and while this might work for a collection of short stories, your book isn't. I currently have no idea exactly what your book will be about, though the tags are a good indication -- but people might not neccessarily look at them. People generally click on a book if it has a nice cover, which yours does, and what gets them to read it is the summary/blurb.

You need to draw the reader in, leave them with a few questions and a hint at what exactly is going on in the world you've created. The way it stands, I wouldn't have looked inside if I was browsing through books to read on here, but then that is my personal take on things.

Blurbs should introduce your characters somewhat (their names at least) and present a problem/issue followed by a hook.

The best way I've found to get good at writing good blurbs is to read a lot of them -- a lot like writing a full book. You get better mainly with time and practice.

Chapter One

Well, this is an introduction to both of the main leads, and it sets the scene of things. After the blurb, I wasn't really sure who or what I'd be dealing with, but it seems to be two teens in highschool, I guess? I liked both characters, both Aaliyah's boldness and Travis's quietness -- it made him seem a bit more relatable.

However, in regards to punctuation and grammar, this chapter may need a proof reading or two. Just keep an eye out for double punctuation (after speechmarks and questionmarks I usually found an out of place comma) and possibly tense too. I noticed some slips between past and present, especially when he's describing stuff he does internally.

Chapter Two

I like both Travis's and Aaliyah's POVs. You can tell that they're narrated from a teen's perspective from the language you've used. I like the fact she's not shy, like a fair few of the female leads in other books. Despite this, though, Aaliyah feels a bit flat to me, as does Travis. The drama feels a bit exaggerated sometimes, and I feel like Sophia is a bit of a cliche -- the 'no one's ever stood up to her before' but suddenly the new girl does felt a bit repettitive. I feel like you could easily twist this cliche on its head and create a more interesting character for your disgruntled volleyball player -- perhaps someone quieter, who doesn't confront Aaliyah head on.

Additionally, with Travis being beaten up... I wasn't exactly too sure how things played out, only that they were in the bathroom and Travis was getting beaten. I'd suggest adding some description of the scene, even if it's just moderate, to help us gain a clearer picture.

Chapter Three

This chapter feels like it's changed my opinions of both characters so far. While the writing feels as though it's in character, Aaliyah comes across as a bit shallow and judgemental. Calling Sophia a 'bitch' simply because of the minor fight, not only makes her come across as both two things I mentioned previously but it just also feels a bit crass. It feels like she makes snap judgements about people based off of one encounter with them -- and I don't really like that in a character. If it's one of her flaws as a character, then you also need to have something that the reader will like and relate to otherwise they might simply just stop caring about the MC.

To be honest, it felt like everything happened too quickly. She hasn't been at the school for very long, and suddenly some guy wants to hook up with her even if she's unwilling, to put it politely.

(Note - I have nothing against the use of swearwords in books, but to be honest, I think using them liberally comes across better, unless, perhaps, it's part of a somewhat unlikeable character's speech.)

I think you need to build on the characters first, before plunging them into that kind of situation. Every character is human, well, unless you're writing fantasy, paranormal or SciFi or the like. Everyone has things which make them tick -- which define them as a person. The best characters, even the 'evil' ones, I find, are the ones you can relate to.

Well, that's one summary and three chapters reviewed (since there wasn't a chapter titled prologue), so here's the main points summed up:

What I liked:

- Aaliyah was interesting in some respects, and seemed a bit different to other female leads I've seen in other books based in a simmilar setting.

- The dynamic between Aaliyah and Travis has a lot of potential, especially if this is heading where I think it is.

What could be improved:

- Grammar and a bit more detail when it comes to description. It's nicer to read a fully fleshed out scene with more description compared to one with a lot of scene breaks. I get that writing about going to class and the like might not be interesting -- but think about what you could write about. How does Aaliyah interact with her classmates? Does she have any female friends?

- More detail with the characters, and possibly a bit more depth to them as well. Think about their flaws, strengths and what happened to make them that way.

--This is just a little end note, since I noticed you used what could be classed as an ethnic slur. There can be a lot of controversy surrounding those, so I advise to be careful when using them.--

Thank you for requesting a review, and apologies for the delay in posting this up.