I haven't been this excited for Christmas in a very long time. Thanksgiving was at the top of holidays, and at the time I didn't think anything could top it, but Christmas is Christmas and I know this one is going to be all kinds of wonderful that it's going to put Thanksgiving to shame. The day isn't even here yet and it already has.

The house has been filled with Christmas music since the day we put up the tree in the living room and decorated it. I loved how much this family goes all out for this holiday, the entire house has been filled with Christmas spirit. Decorations are everywhere, placed in a Styles/Twist family fashion, so classy and with perfection.

Anne apparently loves baking cookies and all sorts of goodies for the neighbors. There hasn't been a day so far that the kitchen hasn't smelled like I could eat it and I'm more than certain Harry and I both have gained a few pounds as we baked with her and my mom over the last couple of weeks.

We've watched all the Christmas movies on Netflix, and I've laughed until I cried listening to Harry change all the lyrics to Christmas songs and all these memories have been made under the lit up Christmas tree and candles and of course, twinkle lights. 

People say that Christmas is the most wonderful time of year and it's only now that I have realized why that is said. Because I have experienced Christmas in a way I never had before and it's been nothing but magical so far.

It's given me a way to forget about waiting for school acceptance letters and to forget that I've been missing travelling. It's made me wish the Christmas season was all year 'round just to stay in this happy bubble with snow and eggnog and big comfy sweaters. I was never one who loved winter before, and sure I still prefer it to be warm, but along with all this Christmas magic, Harry has been overly incredible, making every moment seem to pop out at me.

Mom and I went to Seattle for the day to go last minute Christmas shopping. It's turned out to be a great day all around. I shared Harry's album with her in the car, to which she cried listening to all the songs written about me. She gushed over how much I deserve all the love he has for me and how I should never let him go, saying that a love like his doesn't come around very often and I should never take him for granted.

It's been nice just talking to her and having her listen. Our relationship has surely blossomed over time and we're in such a great place. Nothing about us feels forced and today I felt truly comfortable opening up to her about mine and Harry's relationship for the first time. We're almost home from Seattle now, the backseat filled with bags, and she's been playing Harry's CD over and over again all the way back. It's a nice change from all the Christmas music we've been listening to, and I'm happy when she starts the album over again, because I could happily listen to Harry's voice on repeat all day.

It's strange how I can miss Harry so much after only being away from him for one day. Mom and I only left for Seattle this morning and it's barely eight o'clock, but I can't wait to be home now and snuggle in bed with him. We've spent so much time together since we got back home, I thought the day away from him would be good for us, and it was, but I just wished he was with me the entire day, thinking of what he would say when he saw certain things and I'd smile just imagining it in my mind.

I help Mom bring in all of our bags and carry them upstairs to hide them in her room so we can wrap them together later. Throwing them on her bed, I don't waste any time in climbing the few stairs to our room, wanting to wrap myself in Harry's arms and press my lips to his to show him how much I've missed him today.

I stop short at the top of the stairs looking into the room, seeing it's empty. But I can sense it's not just lacking Harry's presence, it's been deserted. The dresser drawers are slightly ajar, a picture of us is missing and something in the pit of my stomach tells me that something, if not everything, isn't right. I can feel my heart plummet as I run down the stairs, looking out the window at the end of the hall, seeing Harry's car isn't there. Why did I not notice that when we drove into the driveway?

"Anne?" I yell, running down the hall. "Anne? Are you here?" My heart is pounding in my chest, my mind instantly setting in the worst place imaginable. He left. But he couldn't have left me. Why would he do that? I know I'm just making myself crazy, aren't I? "Anne?" I call again, reaching the bottom of the stairs.

"Jayde?" My mom calls in reply from the living room as she steps into the archway. "Anne is closing the store tonight, what's the matter with you? Why do you look so distraught?"

The fact is, I don't know what's wrong with me. Panic set in too easily, too fast without having any actual answer. "Harry isn't here," I say, my voice cracking. 

Mom slightly laughs. "You really don't know what to do without that boy, do you?" she asks, following me down the hall toward the kitchen. I turn to her, giving her a displeased look. I'm not joking around and this isn't the time to laugh at me. Seeing the look on my face, her smile drops and she clears her throat. "He probably just went to the bookstore to work with Anne. Or maybe he went to do some shopping of his own?"

Maybe Mom is right. Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me? But I know what I saw in our room and I could feel it. I could feel the abandonment of that bedroom, how instantly hollow I became with it and I know with everything that I am, that mom is not right, no matter how much I wish she was.

I continue on into the kitchen and grab a bottle of water out of the fridge, trying to ease my mind as I drink it. I can feel Mom's eyes on me as I gather my thoughts. "I don't understand," she says quietly. "Where do you think he went, Jayde? Why are you so upset?"

"It just feels like something isn't right," I tell her. "It looked like he packed his shit and left."

"Left?" she asks, quizzically. "As in gone? Christmas is in two days, why would he leave?"

"I...I don't know," I stumble my words.

"Well, maybe you should call him before assuming something like that!"

I should call him! Why didn't I think of that? I'm not thinking clearly and obviously not in the right state of mind. I try to remember the last place I had my phone and realize it's in my purse which I left in the car so I could carry up all our bags of presents.

I start to walk passed mom who's still standing in the doorway to the hall, when something on the counter catches my attention, making me stop in my tracks. I know right away it's an acceptance letter, the big UCLA stamp in the corner standing out.

Going over to it, I instantly I get excited because I really wanted for us to go there together. The package is addressed to me and I don't waste time opening it up to read the letter. Just as the size of the envelope made it obvious, reading they are happy to invite me to their school, warms my insides and in my excitement throw all the papers in my hands above my head. They float to the floor around me, but the only thing I'm focusing on now is my mother, who's holding a small envelope in her hand and looking at me sadly.

"What's that?" I ask, my excitement dwindling quickly, taking it from her.

The envelope has already been opened and Harry's name on the front makes my heart drop.  I stare at his name and the big UCLA stamp in the corner. He didn't get in.

Everyone knows the small envelope isn't good news. I've never gotten one before though, because I had gotten into all the schools I applied to the last time. But I know what it's going to say before I even look inside. This feeling is so overwhelming, I can literally feel my heart break as I take the piece of paper out of the envelope.

And just as I knew I would see, the words wisp through my lips as I read them. "Dear, Harry Styles, We regret to inform you..." I turn around and lean against the counter and slide down to the floor slowly.

"Well?" Mom asks, breaking the silence. "What does it say?"

"He didn't get in."

I got in and Harry didn't. The reality of it smacking me in the face. My dreams are suddenly ripped from me so easily and at such a rapid pace, my head spins. How did I get in and he didn't? I changed my major from English to Psychology and yet his passion for music was so obvious in his application, I can't understand why they'd not accept him.

Is this why he left? Because I got in and he didn't, after telling him that's where I wanted to go to school? It all doesn't make sense. There's no way he left. I have to be imagining the worst here. He wouldn't leave because of this. He wouldn't leave for any reason. I know he wouldn't.

Running out to my car, I grab my purse and fumble around for my phone as I run back inside from the cold to call him. I need to talk to him. I need to know where he is. Leaning against the door, I let myself slide down it to sit on the floor, turning the screen on to call him.

But to my surprise, a notification is on the screen, showing me that Boy_Undiscovered has written a blog post. Harry has written in his blog. I don't know why, but it springs tears to my eyes to see this on my phone. It's been so long since I've seen it, it makes my heart pound and the world seems to stop as I stare at it.

I've been through so many emotions just in the last ten minutes, this seemingly to top the list of all uncertainty. Proof sitting in front of me that my worst fears have come true. He did leave and this is how he's decided to tell me.

Unsure of what I'm setting myself up for, I click on it, remembering how happy this notification used to make me whenever I'd see it on my screen. All the times I loved reading his words, I can't imagine this time will be the same, I can just hope it's not the worst.

I take a deep breath before I scroll down to the words he's written and wipe my eyes to make sure I can read his words clearly.

"My Dearest Jayde,

This all started before I had a blog. Before I knew you wrote in one and had an alter ego in which you called yourself Girl_Disconnected. This all started the day I moved into the house by The Clearing and saw you sitting on top of the hill and every day since then, you meant something to me.

Back then I only had to imagine what your life was like and what made you go to the top of the hill every day and why you always looked so sad. I had to watch you from afar at school, never a word crossing our paths. And yet, I wondered about you far more than I'd ever like to admit.

I didn't know right away that the girl's words in the blog were yours when I found it. I connected with those words in a way I'd never connected with anything before, much like I hadn't felt a connection with anyone the way I did with you in person. I should have made the connection between you and your words much sooner than I did. I should have seen the signs.

Despite the awful reasons I felt connected to your words, I can never explain to you how happy I am it was you all along. Because in this life, Jayde, you're the only person I want to ever feel connected to, at least in the way we are.

I've seen you at rock bottom and I've seen you at your best. We helped each other in so many ways become better people and overcome hardships. I'm so proud of how you accomplished things on your own and found yourself the way you needed to, even if it meant being away from me while you did it.

I may sound selfish, but there's no words for how elated I am that your journey ended with me. That it led you back to me, just the way I hoped it would. And there's not a day that has passed that I have not taken you and our time together for granted, because I don't ever want to experience life without you again.

I know by now you have realized I'm gone, which makes my last statement sound like a fabrication, but I promise you it's not. I left for us. And while at this moment, I have no clue what you're going to decide, I can only hope that the love we have for each other outweighs just about everything else.

You told me just the other day, you wanted us to go to California together, and while I thought that would be a good idea, the stars didn't seem to align for us this time, which I'm assuming you've already seen (if not, there's proof on the kitchen counter). And so I decided a different constellation might be better for us.

Your dreams have become my dreams and I want nothing more than to experience them with you. To travel and to see all that this world has to offer us. To wildlife in Africa, surfing in Australia, the beaches of Bora Bora, the incredible landscapes of New Zealand, Ireland, the Canadian Rockies. I want to see it all.

But I also know how important it is to you that you help kids like us, and by getting into school, you will be able to do that. I don't want to hold you back. I don't want you to have to go to a different school just to be with me when I know you want UCLA.

This part of your life is life changing. These choices should be yours and yours alone and I don't want to think that I've made a decision that you would one day resent me for because of how big it is. And despite the fact that I'm now gone, I know that this could make or break us. This could potentially be the end of us....But all I want is for you to be happy, Jayde. I want you to do everything you ever imagined yourself doing, the way you always wanted it to be.

I can only hope that, just like the end of your journey, you'll find your way back to me.  

I'm sorry I wasn't good enough to get into the school you wanted. I'm sorry I couldn't make your wishes come true this time. It hurts to know that I can't give you what you want and maybe that's part of the reason why I left. I didn't want to see the devastation in your eyes when you realized just because of me, your dreams were crushed.

I'm a coward, I know. And I'm sorry.

I could write for hours about how sorry I am, about how much I love you and all the reasons why, but I have to board the plane now, and I don't want you to wait another five hours to know the truth.

Just know that I love you, and I'm sorry.

Forever Yours,
Harry x.

A/N: Do you think she will go to where Harry is? Or will she go to school instead?

I'm so sorry for how long this took me to write. I've posted on my profile, the reasons as to why I couldn't write, and I hope you understand. My eyesight has been much better lately ☺

There is only one more chapter left and I promise it won't take me months to write it this time!
Much Love,
amberlove
xo