"Do you ever just wish things were different?" I ask. Niall and I have been sitting in the sand for quite some time, listening to the soft sound of waves from the ocean. We've barely said a word to each other since he handed me a beer and made ourselves comfortable next to each other.

The stars have moved a small amount and the whole situation reminds me of Harry. Except the scene before us is much different than what I'm used to with him. But just because there is a difference, that we're not sat high on a hill with the city in the distance, does it make me miss him any less. In fact, it makes me want to reverse time and go back to when I thought things were so hard. I always wanted to run away when I was living in those moments. But being in this particular spot makes me realize there's nothing I want more, than to go back in time and be exactly where I was, on the nights Harry would lay next to me on the grass and say nothing at all. The nights it was just him, me and the stars.

"God, no," Niall answers. "I love my life. College is going to be great! A new start, ya know? New girls, no caddy, manipulating girls like Maddy tied to my hip at all times. We can finally move on from all that bullshit we had to deal with in high school."

I simply nod, completely understanding where he's coming from. No more Maddy. That's one thing I've been happy about since I left town. That, I can agree with him on.

"But I know that's not what you're talking about," he continues, making me look over at him. "He misses you, ya know."

"I don't want to talk about Harry," I sigh.

"I think you should," he replies. "And I think you should talk to him."

"Out of the question. Nope."

"Stop being stubborn and listen to me for a second."

I close my eyes as I feel my heart start to pound again. I can hear it pulsating in my ears over the sound of the waves, the sound of my thoughts, lyrics to the drumming inside of me. 

"He said he didn't do what everyone thinks he did."

"And the Leaning Tower of Pisa doesn't actually lean." I roll my eyes.

"Huh?"

"Just because he said it, doesn't make it true," I explain.

"Will you listen to yourself?" he says, slightly raising his voice. "You are so set on believing that it is what it is."

"I saw the video, Niall."

"And it involved Maddy."

"So?"

"So?" Niall says, taking a swig of his beer. "Maddy is known for her manipulation and her crazy ways. Just think about it for one second. You know there's a chance Harry didn't do anything and she somehow made it seem like they did."

My head starts to spin. He has a point, doesn't he? A small one, albeit. But there is that chance. Couldn't there be? No. "Can we not talk about this anymore?" I drink the last of the contents in my beer and throw the bottle down the beach in frustration.

"Will you just think about what I said?"

I shrug, not sure if I will. Not sure if I won't.

"You're impossible." Niall shakes his head and smiles at me, a small laugh escapes him and I can't help but smile back at him. "Maybe I should call him and tell him you're here!"

"No, no no!" I scramble to take his phone out of his hand. "You are not telling him you've seen me!"

"Come on, Jayde!"

His laughter is infectious, making me join in, as he tries to steal his phone back from me. The idea of Niall calling Harry should make me panic. Instead, I'd rather enjoy this flirty moment between us, knowing he wouldn't actually call him. 

It's been a long time since I've laughed like this with someone. It feels good to just be a teenager, laughing and flirting with a boy and play fighting to keep him from getting his phone back. It makes me feel normal. And I like it. That is until his body falls on me and steals his phone back, staring me in the eyes.

There's a moment I think he might kiss me and a flashback to the time he said we should sleep together to get Harry back for what he did to me comes to mind. His eyes are flicking back and forth between mine for what feels like a long time. His demeanor changes, seriousness now set in his features. "Was leaving the right thing to do?" he asks after clearing his throat, moving to sit back in the sand. I'm internally grateful for the fact he didn't actually try to kiss me, because that's the last thing I want to do right now.

"I think so," I answer, sitting back up next to him, fixing my hair and making sure there's no sand in it. "It's not really been what I expected it to be. The whole road tripping it alone sucks more than it sounds. But I think I needed to be by myself for a while. I needed to figure some stuff out."

"Did you figure it out?"

"Not really," I laugh. "But I feel better, I guess."

Niall tells me not to move and I watch him run back towards the fire and the college students here to party. As different as this life is to the one back home, it's pretty similar. Kids always wanting to party. Always drinking. It doesn't surprise me. I understand the whole idea of wanting to have a good time, I just don't understand why it always has to involve getting intoxicated. They do look like they're having fun, regardless of how I feel about it all, but that could be the few beers I already have in me thinking.

I watch from afar Carter talking to Astrid. She's a nice girl and I can see why she said Carter is good looking. There's no doubt that he would feel the same about her. She's undeniably gorgeous with her pale skin and bright blue eyes and long blond hair. They would make a cute couple.

*

I don't know how it happened or how much time has passed, all I know is that I am feeling pretty tipsy and Carter and Niall have been making us girls laugh way too hard. There's no doubt that these boys will do just fine in college, as it's clear they've already made quite an impression.

I don't think I've ever been this drunk before. And for some reason, I don't actually remember finishing even one beer. The bottle always feels heavy, no matter how obvious it is that I've absolutely drank more than this bottle in my hand.

"That reminds me of the times I used to find Harry sneaking out of Jayde's bedroom window," I hear Carter say, bringing me back to reality. "Remember that, Jayde? You thought no one knew what was going on! Little did you know!"

A low rumble of oooo's forms around me.

"And the morning I found Jayde and Harry sleeping on the ground in The Clearing," Niall pipes up. 

"Jayde used to be pretty sneaky," Carter laughs. "At least when it came to Harry."

"They just weren't very good at sneaking around," Niall laughs.

"We were good together." I seem to speak without thinking before doing so, throwing  my beer into the fire in front of me. I also seem to be angry without having a clue as to why I am. "Everything was fine when we were a secret. It doesn't matter if we were good at sneaking around or not, it was good when we thought no one knew about us. He made me feel something." I can feel myself getting hot and it's not because of the fire before me. I'm not even sure if I see the faces around me anymore, I just feel the need to scream out everything I've been holding in. "It felt good to feel something, because I was so damn numb to the life I was living, stuck under the same roof with my so-called parents."

I feel a hand on my back, making me look to the side to see who's next to me. Paisley. Staring me me square in the eyes, her eyes distressed.

"I was so in love with him," I continue, apparently still wanting to get everything out, tears welling up in my eyes. "He did a fucking number on me, I tell ya. Do you want to know what that fucker did to me?" I ask to no one in particular. "He went and fucked someone else. Fucked her like I didn't matter to him. After making me feel like I was his whole world, he left me looking like a fool. And now what?" My arms fling out to the side, animating my question. "Look at me! Running away from it all because I don't want to feel broken anymore. He broke me even more than I already was. I hate him! I hate him."

My feet carry me away from the fire. In my drunkenness and the tears in my eyes, everything is a blur around me. I feel over-heated, like a storm is inside me that clearly just blew out of me, lightening and thunder and I am the rain.

"Jayde!" I hear from behind me.

"Leave me alone, Carter," I scream not turning around. "How dare you mention Harry's name after I told you not to."

"I'm sorry," he says, catching up to me and grabbing onto my arm to spin me around. "It just came out of me, I didn't think it bothered you that much anymore. You seemed happy."

"Do I look happy?"

"No," he answers honestly. "But you're drunk."

"Just leave me alone."

I walk away from him once more, taking my phone out of my purse, searching for the name I have been trying to avoid for so long now. In all my mess, in my enraged heart, this intoxication has made me boil over and there's nothing I want more than to get more out of me. Because hell, I have bottled up so much of my emotions and I have imploded.

There's no hesitation. When I see his name, my finger's on it and I place my phone to my ear, listening to the ringing.

"Jayde?" I hear on the other end. "Are you okay? It's the middle of the night."

His voice hits me like a truck. I have missed his voice and I have missed him. So much. I can't seem to form any words to come out of my mouth and I'm frozen on the spot.

"Jayde, please talk to me," he says. "I know you're there. Are you alright?"

"Am I alright?" I ask, louder than I intended. "Do you think I'm alright, Harry?"

"I don't know, that's why I'm asking. It's the middle of the night, so I..."

"No, I'm not alright!" I yell. "I hate you! I hate you for what you did to me. Why did you have to ruin everything? We were good together, weren't we?"

"Ye--"

"Whatever, Harry."

"Jayde listen to me," he says. "Obviously you haven't been reading my blog."

"Why the hell would I read your stupid blog?"

"There's something you need to know."

"Why am I even talking to you?" I ask. I can't seem to remember calling him. How did this happen? I feel like I'm dreaming.

"You called me, remember?"

"I did?" Maybe I am dreaming? No, I'm just drunk.

"Are you drunk?"

"Who cares!?"

"I do, Jayde," he says. "You don't drink. What's going on with you?"

"Maybe I took up drinking after I left," I say. "Maybe that's what I've been doing this whole time. Drinking, hooking up with guys. Living the fucking life!"

"You don't need to lie to me," he says.

"Oh, you think you know me so well, don't you?" I huff. 

"You know I do."

"If you know me so well, Harry, you would've known not to sleep with Maddy."

"I didn't."

"So that's your story now, huh?"

"My story?"

"That's what Niall told me too."

"You talked to Niall?"

"Fuck!" Dammit, I told Niall not to tell Harry that we're together, but here I am saying too much.

"Are you in California?" he asks quickly.

"I'm not telling you where I am," I heave. "I gotta go. I hope you're as miserable as I am."

"I am."

The sadness in his voice with those words sends a pang right to my heart. The mixed emotions confuse me. I'm happy he's miserable yet it makes me sad at the same time. Everything I feel lately is so perplexed. There's no right or wrong answer as to how I actually feel because it changes from day to day, sometimes minute to minute, and being drunk just shows that as alright as I thought I was, I'm really not. I'm far from it.

"Jayde?" I hear Harry say after a long silence.

"Have a nice life."

And with that, I hang up the phone, leaving myself with the waves from the ocean, the moon and the stars in the sky, and me. Me, alone with the sky. And for the first time, it's not me, him and the stars. It's just me.

A/N: Finally you get a little more Harry, who I know you've been missing. I have missed writing the two of them together and although they aren't in a good place, it was nice to write them together again.

Please leave a comment or 2! Your comments are what motivate me to keep writing. and don't forget to hit the star!

Much Love,
amberlove

xo