"If someone were to tell me in the beginning of all of this, that things would end up the way they did, I would have thought they were lying. Although none of it should have surprised me. Instead, it did. It shocked me into a whole other world. The world in which I seemed to have lived in before him, except nothing is the same as it was then. And nothing will ever be the same again.

Because I now realize that there is life with him and there is life without him.

And I cannot begin to express just how hard both of those lives can be.

But I guess that's just who we are. It's Legitimately Us.

Girl_Disconnected"

You know the feeling of belonging? I feel that, right now. I have felt that for the last five days, because after going back to my hotel and spending the whole night inside my head, I realized I didn't want to be alone anymore. Being alone meant thoughts of Harry. It meant reliving moments I wish I could repeat but know it's just not possible. It meant emotions running high and getting nowhere.

 I knew I had to suck it up and be the 'new girl' and not listen to the negative thoughts about how great their friendship was. Because, if anything, these were interesting girls and they let me in without doubt. They weren't judging the way the kids in my high school were and didn't see me in any negative light.  And I knew I had to embrace that. I had to be strong. Stronger than I felt.

I called Paisley the next morning and asked her if I could crash on the floor of their dorm for the week using the excuse it'd be nice to save some money and surprisingly, her and Astrid were both more than okay with having me there.

It's been nice to have some new friends. To live life in a way I had never experienced before. Sure, the last couple months over the summer I have already had the freedom I longed for, but this was a different kind of freedom I never saw coming. And it was exciting. Inspiring. Exhilarating. With these girls and learning what the college life was like, gave me a sense of wonder. It breathed life into me in a way I never thought I'd feel and I took it in. I took every moment in as if I would never get the chance to experience anything like it again.

Because if there was something I have learned from my life, it is that every moment counts. Every single little thing means more than even I could understand and I need to embrace it all as it comes and be thankful I have this chance to live the way I never was able to before.

I've met some cool people around Campus. I can't remember half their names, but that's okay. I have danced at the pub with the girls, talked to some good looking guys and let them buy me drinks. Because Nova says that's what girls are supposed to do. She says it gets you drunk without having to spend a dime and you don't even have to go home with them at the end of the night.

I've been smart about it though. I haven't forgotten where I come from or who my parents are. I allow for these guys to buy me drinks, but I sip so slowly on them that it's been impossible to get me anything passed a little buzzed. My secrets will not come out of me, and I'm not about to do something stupid with some random guy who decided I looked naive enough to buy me a drink. But I'm still having fun and right now, that's all that matters.

The closer it gets to the first day of classes, the more kids move into their dorms. Paisley and Astrid live with their dorm door wide open all day because they like to meet everyone moving in on their floor and see people they haven't seen over the summer. Their positive energy towards people is infectious and I quite like how it's all made me feel.

I can feel myself changing. I can see that I am already looking at life from a different perspective. And maybe that's what Paisley meant when she said they could help me. Because she knew all I needed was something positive, uplifting friends and a new outlook. And I don't think anything could make me go back to feeling the way I did before. Or at least I hope not.

"Jayde?"

I look up from my spot in the doorway of our dorm room, where I've been sat for a while now talking to Paisley.

"Oh my God, Carter!" I scramble to my feet and without a thought, I instantly wrap my arms tightly around Carter's neck. His familiarity is soothing in such a gratifying way that makes me hold onto him for much longer than anticipated. 

"Why didn't you tell me you were here?" he asks, finally unlinking us from our embrace. "I can't believe this! Jayde Cohen in the flesh and in college!" He looks me up and down with his bright blue eyes, happiness seeping out of every single one of his features. To see him this happy brings me such joy. To see him at all is more than comforting.

"So, are you going to introduce me, or do I have to do that myself?" Paisley asks. "I'm Paisley!" I watch as she effortlessly reaches out to shake Carter's hand.

"I think I'm going to like college," he smiles at her.

"She's taken," I interrupt his googly eyes on her, rolling my own. "Paisley, this is Carter. My best friend. The only guy in the world who matters!"

Paisley looks at me in deep thought. "Ya know, it's kind of hard to believe I don't know anything about your past or where you come from," she ponders aloud. "It's nice to meet you, Carter. You're going to love it here."

"So, I'm guessing you still haven't talked to Harry?" Carter asks, staring hard at me. I feel my heart plummet at the sound of his name. Sure, I have thought of him. I think of him so often, I wonder how it's possible to keep a smile on my face at times, but to hear his name out loud. It's been so long. And clearly, it hurts just as much as it did before.

"Who's Harry?" Paisley asks before I can answer.

"Jayde's ex-boyfriend," Carter answers.

"He's no one." I glance up at Carter, shooting him a glare so hard I hope he can feel how I do right now. "And he isn't up for discussion either."

"How come you didn't tell me you decided to go to school here?" Carter asks, thankfully changing the subject. "Wait. You are going here, right? If you're not, why are you here? How long have you been here? How do you know this girl? Is she your roommate? I'm so confused."

His obvious bewilderment makes me smile and takes away the tension I was feeling. "So much to tell you, too little time," I tell him. "Show me where you're going to live."

We say goodbye to Paisley as I follow Carter down the hall, where he stops in front of his already open door. "Should I warn you?" He looks down at me, squaring me in the eyes and I wonder what he's going on about.

"Ah, you finally made it!" Niall appears in the doorway and I'm taken aback by his presence. "Jayde! What the hell, man!" He looks between the two of us, his smile brighter than ever. "I leave you alone for five minutes and you come back with your hometown girl? At least be a gentleman and bring me a hot girl we haven't met yet next time."

Carter moves out of the way as Niall moves in to hug me. I feel rather awkward, unsure as to how I feel about seeing someone else from my past. No, this past isn't far, but I feel like it was lifetimes ago and I was just starting to figure my new life out. Now, I just feel like I was taken back in time, back to my stiff self, afraid that something is about to go wrong.

And as I stare at the two of them, it feels like nothing will ever change. They still look the same, seem to act the same, and why does it surprise me that they're together? All we need is Kate and Maddy, a few bitchy girls and a guy who broke my heart and might as well say that no time has passed at all and I'm still the same girl I've always been.

"So, you go here?" Niall asks, bringing me back to reality. "Didn't think we'd see you again, to be honest, Miss Runaway."

"No, I don't go here."

"You don't?" Carter asks quickly. "Then what are you doing here?"

I can feel Carter's eyes burning into my soul, and there is a part of me that wants to tell him the whole story. Where I've been, what I've been doing. But at the moment, I know it's not the right time to talk about it all. "I met Paisley and her friends on the beach last week. They invited me to stay here for a while."

"Are they hot girls?" Niall asks, making me shake my head.

"I met one, and yes! Yes she is!" Carter breathes out.

"Like I said, she's taken!"

"Whatever."

**

Upon arriving back in Paisley and Astrid's dorm room, I was informed we were skipping the pub and heading to the beach for a bonfire instead. This rather excited me because despite the fact we always had a fire at Niall's parties back home, I had never done this at the beach before.

And because Carter is here, I feel safe when it comes to drinking a little more than the small sips I've been consuming this week. But I'm still smart about it. I promise myself, I will always be smart about it. But Carter is here. Carter is next to me, and I can't contain the smile on my face just looking at him, the way the fire lights up his eyes and how seeing him look back at me with an equally elated expression on his beautiful face. I feel almost complete with him here. Although I know I'm not even close to it. 

"I'm going to get another beer, do you want one?" Carter asks, standing up from our place in the sand.

"Sure," I answer without hesitation, taking the last swig of the beer I have in my hand as I watch him walk away from me. This gives me a chance to take in a little of what is going on around me for the first time in a while. There's music playing, more people have arrived since we first sat down in this particular spot.

I had caught Carter up with all that's been going on since I talked to him last. Told him about where I'd been and gotten up to. I told him about how I love this place. I love the friends I made and things have started to get a little easier. Just like I had asked, he didn't bring up Harry, despite there were many times throughout our conversation, I could tell he wanted to ask about him.

I'm glad he didn't. Because I'm not ready to talk about him. I'm not ready to admit out loud that I miss him. And I know that if I say even the smallest of things about him, those words and those feelings will be revealed, and I don't want to do that just yet. I don't know if I will ever want to.

"Having fun?" Astrid giggles, falling into me. She's clearly had a few more than I have, but she tries to pull herself together as she sits next to me. "So, that guy you're with...?

"Carter?"

"He's pretty cute," she admits. "He isn't yours, is he?"

"Just my best friend."

I watch as she nods, staring back at me with her eyebrows raised. I turn to look into the fire, realizing this is where life takes a turn of events and it seems to slap me in the face. Carter is going to have this whole new life. He's going to be living here, going to college and dating girls that are far better than I ever was for him, and somehow I understand that somewhere along the way, we aren't going to be as important to each other as we used to be. I know that's how life works, I just wish it didn't have to be.

"Jayde?" Astrid says quietly, placing her hand on my knee. "You should talk to Paisley. She's been down a road that I think will help you."

"Help me with what?" I stare at her with furrowed brows. How did things suddenly change? What just happened?

"With whatever you're going through."

"I'm not going through anything."

She takes a deep breath and lets out a sigh. Her big blue eyes still looking at me with concern. I can feel anger building inside of me that I wish wasn't there. Am I an open book? Is it obvious that I have secrets scratching their way to the surface at times? I used to be so good at hiding everything. What the hell has happened to me?

"You don't need to lie to me, Jayde," she says. "Everyone goes through bad things. We're here to help you. You really should talk to Paisley. She could..."

"You don't know what you're talking about!" I find myself standing from my spot staring down at her. "Don't, for one second, think that you know me!"

Turning around, I bump into someone. They're trying to calm me down, that's all I know for sure. But through my sudden rage, all I can do is try to flee from their grip. I don't know why I'm so mad. I don't know why I feel my heart pounding so hard it might explode. At this moment, I don't know anything. And I just want to get out of here.

The grip around me loosens and I'm able to walk freely. My feet carry me away from the fire. Away from the people, the laughing and the music. Closer to the ocean, where the stars in the sky meet the end of the world and I stop myself dead in my tracks and take a deep breath at the sight before me, clasping onto the necklace hung around my neck. The one I've refused, even through all the pain, to ever take off.

'It's just you, me and the stars.'

Just when I'm about to let a tear fall from my eye, a beer is being handed to me. I look next to me to see Niall standing in the darkness, in silence. No words. No judging expressions. Just his eyes on mine and a couple beers reassuring me that nothing is as it seems and maybe, just maybe there's a reason for all of this.

A/N: Hey Lovies, once again, my apologies for the long delay. I was sick for about 6 weeks, got tooth aches, had to get a tooth pulled, and then went to LA on vacation. 2018 has kicked my ass. LA was awesome!

But I miss you! And I'm always still around!

Much Love,
amberlove
xo