"Jayde,

I miss you. There have been times that I have went to your house in hopes that you would be there. I climbed the ladder and looked into your bedroom, only to find it empty. Each and every time this happened, I could feel my heart break even more than previous times. Our memories would flash inside my mind. I could see you sitting at the windowsill reluctant to let me in despite the fact I was in the pouring rain. I could see you wearing my t-shirt as we brushed our teeth in your bathroom. I could see you and the way you looked at me with your bright blue eyes.

That's one thing I always loved about you. Your eyes. It didn't matter how you were feeling, your eyes were still brighter than the sky on a sunny day. And that was the most beautiful thing. The light in you never went dull.

I want you to remember how strong you are, Jayde. I want you to know that there's no doubt in my mind that you will get where you need to go and you will find what you're looking for. You don't need the stars or escapes. All you need to do, is know that the answers are already inside you. They're in your heart.

Follow your heart.

I know that being strong is hard sometimes. I know that when everything has shattered inside of you, it can be impossible to know how to fix it. I know you have felt an abundance of pain, had your heart broken multiple times, made wishes that never came true and cried so many tears you thought the dreariness of a cloud followed you around. But I have seen the sunlight in your eyes. I have witnessed firsthand your effervescence. I know that there is so much inside you waiting to pour through those broken parts and the light will shine through so bright, it will be beautiful. 

Because the ones who have been broken are the most beautiful. It does something to them. It makes them kinder. More gentle. More passionate and subdued. We can empathize and be compassionate and love in a way that others can't. 

You're already beautiful. And I miss you.

Forever yours,
Harry"

It took everything in me not to press my finger on the notification of Harry's blog post. But I didn't. I swiped it across the screen of my phone, simply removing it from view and I haven't thought about it for days.

It's been a week since I wrote my last blog post. Since the night I cried so hard in the back of my car, wrapped up in blankets and fell asleep, tears stained to my face. It wasn't the last time I allowed myself to feel that much. In fact, I have had to pull over to the side of the road multiple times because I couldn't see through the blurriness my tears caused.

After finally allowing myself to feel something and to cry and let it all out, I have been a mess. The tears come in random spurts, the pain in my heart, hurts. And I'm not sure how I feel about the distance from everything I know as I get further away. It's hard, realizing this is what I always wanted, because there is a loneliness about it that I've never experienced before.

I used to love being alone. But now, understanding that I can't just climb down a ladder and cross a backyard to someone's house when I want to, is making me realize how important friendships are. I knew all along how important it was for me to have Carter all these years, but I didn't see just how important it was for my sanity, especially now that I've allowed for myself to feel everything at once.

I've allowed for myself to text a few times with Carter and with Kate to let them know that I'm okay. Of course, I lie through my fingertips about how not okay I really am. I don't tell them that emotionally I've hit rock bottom in a way I never have before, but as long as they know I'm alive, I think that's all that matters.

My phone rings just as I'm about to call Carter for the first time. I had perched myself on a bench in a park, with a hot cup of coffee as I stared at my phone contemplating if I was ready to actually talk to someone and just as I had decided I was, it rings. Except it's not the person I was planning on calling. Actually the farthest from it, and I can't help but take in with wide eyes the name on the screen, my heart seeming to pound harder than it was prior to the second I assured myself it would do me some good to talk to Carter. Do I answer it?

"Hello?" I let out a shaky sound.

Anne's voice beams through the speaker pressed against my ear. "You okay? Doing alright?"

"I'm good." I swallow hard and take a deep breath. I don't know why I'm having a hard time finding my voice. 

"You're safe?" she asks. 

"I'm safe."

"I miss you around here," she sighs. "It's so quiet without you or Harry here."

"Where's Harry?" It flies out of my mouth faster than I can catch it. I don't want to know where Harry is or why he isn't there. Why did I not think before I spoke?

"Harry flew to England," she tells me. "Did he not tell you?"

"I—uh—we—"

"He went to visit his dad," she interrupts my stuttering. "I thought he would have told you. He said you two were talking again."

The idea of Harry lying to his mom baffles me. Since I've known him, he's seemed pretty open and honest with Anne. Except, it doesn't surprise me that she doesn't seem to fully know what happened to us to begin with. If I were Harry, I wouldn't tell her either what I'd done. But the difference between us, is that I'm not willing to lie to her about talking to him.

"We haven't talked since before I left."

There's silence on her end and I wonder what she's thinking. I wonder if she's going to pry it out of me, the answers I know she's going to want now.

"Why would he lie to me?" she whispers more to herself than me. I don't answer, but I feel like a part of me just broke her heart and I wish I had just lied to her. "Anyways," she sniffles. "I miss you, Jayde. I knew it would be hard without Harry here when he went off to college, but now he's gone early and I wish I could have at least kept you here. When are you coming back?"

I let out a breath and shrug as if she can see me. "I'm not sure," I finally answer. I hadn't thought that far ahead. I haven't really even reached a destination and I'm so far from finding answers as to who I am, I don't think I'd go back there before I find what I'm looking for. 

"Where are you, anyways?" she asks. When I don't answer, she adds, "I won't tell Harry. Whatever you tell me, it's just between us, no matter what."

"I just left Portland," I sigh. "I stayed there for a few days. I also went to see my mom in Seattle and we worked on things. Her therapist said it was good I was there, and it really was good to spend some time with her. There's still a lot we need to talk about, but we're on a better page than we were before."

"Oh, I'm so happy you went to see her, I was hoping you would."

It's nice to talk to someone familiar and the longer we chat, the more comfortable I feel, the more I realize that being alone is not all it's cracked up to be. It's not what I thought it was or what it used to be. And so I take in her voice and how happy she seems to talk to me and hope that she keeps her promise that she won't tell Harry anything that's decided to come out of my mouth.

Talking to her has made me miss her. It's made me miss Carter and it's made me miss Kate. It's made me realize even more that having people in your life is so much more important than I thought, because I feel more like myself than I have the last few weeks since I packed up and left. I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders and I can breathe a little easier.

Maybe it's her voice. Maybe it's in the way I know how much she cares about me. Or maybe it's her familiarity that makes me feel lighter. Whatever it is, it's brought me back to life somehow, in a way I haven't felt in a while and I'm suddenly so happy that she decided to call me and even more so that I answered.

"Anytime you come home, I want you to know that you're welcome here," she says. "Your room will always be there for you, just the way you left it. There's always a place for you here, always. No matter what happens with you and Harry."

"Thank you," I smile. I know she can't see me, but her words ring through me, delightfully. I know she means them. I know it wouldn't matter to her if Harry ended up despising me, she would still care about me and my well being, enough to always want to keep me close. "I better be going, I have a lot of miles I want to drive today."

"Be safe," she says. "And if you need someone to talk to you, please don't hesitate to call me, please."

"I will, thanks, Anne."

**

Over the next few days, I talked to Carter and Kate a couple times as I drove, their voices carrying through the speakers in my car. Their familiarity drowns me, but in the best way possible. They made me smile, I laughed a few times and it felt nice. After understanding how important it is to have people in my life and to actually appreciate their presence no matter how far away they are right now, I let myself bring them back into the fold of my life, where I always should have kept them.

Needing someone is different than depending on them. This, I have come to realize. I need friends. People need people to survive. It doesn't mean that having them there is a way of depending on them. Kate and Carter are the best people I know and having them in my life, I can see how great it is for me. I've become happier talking to them and allowing them in again.

I've started listening to happier music as I drive. I don't know if it's the sunshine outside the windows that I've rolled down, or the wind in my hair or the fact that I've made it to California and the air smells fresher next to the ocean, but whatever it is, there is something inside of me that feels less broken and a little more put together.

It feels good to be happy. It feels good to think I'm one day closer to always feeling this way. I wonder if that will ever be a possibility. I want it to be. I want to think there's a chance I won't always think life is against me.

Until my phone rings. And I see Harry's name across the screen. Instantly, I hit the deny button. I'm not ready. The sinking feeling inside of me tells me I'm not. And I'm not going to let him ruin how I feel right now. Except he apparently wants to ruin it, because my phone rings again. Denied. Ring. Denied. Ring. Denied. Ring. Ugh!

"Stop calling me!" I yell into the phone, when I finally answer. He clearly isn't getting the message I'm conveying through my hangups. "I'm not ready to talk to you!"

Before he can say anything, before I can hear his voice, I hang up the phone. I let out a long breath and all I can hope for, is that he won't try and call me again. I don't want to think about how he hurt me. Because if anything, that's the one thing I can't get over yet.

Will it ever stop hurting? Knowing you gave someone all that you can give and loved as hard as you could and he still chose someone else? Nothing will erase that feeling and it's the last thing I want to think about. I don't need to feel this way right now.

"Jayde,

Please answer your phone. Please listen to what I have to say. I remember that night so clearly now. I remember it with sober eyes and a sober mind and I hope you will want to hear what I have come to know as the truth.

Please, at least call me. I need to talk to you. You need to hear the truth.

Forever Yours,

Harry

A/N: Hey Lovies! Thanks for your continued support and for 28.5K reads! Love you so so much!

Much Love,

amberlove
xo