More than anything, at this very moment, I wish I could turn back the time. Not because I wouldn't have gotten on this ride to begin with, but because I would have made sure that everything was different for when this moment came to be.

In a different life, I'd be happy to be sitting next to Harry. We'd be on this ferris wheel, probably holding hands and smiling like idiots and maybe even kissing, as the wheel goes all the way up into the sky. We would be happy together, and it would probably be the tenth time we rode it by now, but we wouldn't have cared, because we were snuggled up next to each other, feeling as though we were flying.

But that is not reality. And once again, as I look at Harry as the ferris wheel starts to move, I'm fighting with myself on how I feel about him being on this ride with me. It shouldn't surprise me that he'd do something like this, but he never could have foreseen that Carter would walk away from me and I can't for the life of me understand how this happened.

"What the hell?" I ask. "You can't just trap a girl on the ferris wheel, are you crazy?"

"Would you have went on with me if I had asked?"

"No."

"Well then," he shrugs. "It was the only way."

"You are so frustrating," I groan.

"It's the only way I could talk to you," he sighs.

"I don't want to talk to you," I argue. "No talking. Let's just get this stupid ride over with so I can find Carter and go home."

"Where is he anyways?"

I cross my arms, suddenly even more mad at Carter than I was when he walked away to begin with. He surely did pick the perfect time to leave me hanging.

"I miss you," Harry says, when I don't answer his question.

"Don't do this, Harry," I sigh.

"I need you to know that I'm sorry."

"Please, just-"

"No, Jayde," he interrupts. "I know what I did was wrong. I know that I hurt you and I can't take it back and I wish more than anything that I could. I'd do anything to keep my promise to you. And I know that being drunk is possibly the worst excuse, but that video Maddy recorded, I honestly do not remember that at all. I don't even know what I was talking about, but I know that I wouldn't have slept with her twice. I don't even remember it happening once. That night is such a blur, I wish I could explain better. I wish I could give you the answers. You have to believe me, Jayde. You know that I never wanted to hurt you, I love you."

His words make my heart pound, because I know that he is hurting just as much as I am. It's not only clear in his voice, it's written on his face, and there is a part of me that wants so badly to forgive him for what he's done to me. But his trust is faltered now. It's broken glass that even when you try to fix it, will never be perfect again. I know that nothing would ever be the same, and my heart will break even more if I gave in to his apologies.

I decide that not saying anything in return is the best way to go about this. My emotions have been all over the place and I can't imagine what might come out of my mouth. Because as hurt as I am, I know that I miss him. Even him sitting next to me is making my heart beat the same rhythmic beat only he can create and I know without a doubt, that I still love him.

I miss the way we used to argue. I loved how yelling at each other was sexual tension building between us and it always brought us closer. But as much as I want to fight him on everything that he's saying right now, yelling will only tear us apart even further and at the moment, I may just have him right where I need him.

The ferris wheel stops at the top, making our chair slightly sway, and I latch onto his thigh as if my instinct is to hold onto him for safety. "What the hell?" I screech. "Why are we stopping?" I pull my hand away from him once I realize what I've done and look at him to see he's looking down at where my hand just had a hold of him.

"I paid the guy to keep us up here for a few minutes," he grins, as if his plan was perfect.

"Make him take us down from here right now, Harry Styles!" I shout at him.

"Not until you listen to me," he insists.

"I did listen to you," I groan in frustration. "I heard what you have to say, Harry. It doesn't change anything and I want to get off of this thing."

"We still have about five minutes," he sighs.

I lean my arm on the side of the chair and cover my face with my hand. I'm honestly stuck in the sky right now, sitting next to the one person who's not good for my ego and I can't move.

"I just-"

"Please, Harry," I sigh, taking my hand from my face to look at him. "I can't do this right now. You can't say anything that will undo this, so please don't waste your breath."

The sadness in his eyes hits me, making me look far into the distance of the night. I listen to him sigh next to me and to my surprise he doesn't say anything else. With every broken piece of me, I want to snuggle into him and have him wrap his arm around me. Even though he's the one who broke me, I wish I could feel the comfort of his embrace. I don't want to need him, but I do.

And so I let the wind blow through my hair and I take in the warm breeze as if it's the only comfort I need right now. I hope that somehow the time will pass quicker than I know it will and when it doesn't, I'm reminded of the past when I feel the same as I once did sitting next to him on the hill in The Clearing in silence. I may despise the boy sitting next to me, but somehow his presence brings comfort to me as he always has. Because that's what silence with him does. It gives me everything I never knew I needed.

When the ferris wheel is set in motion again, I am both relieved and saddened that our time together is coming to a close. I'm realizing now how hard it is to want to be close to him and as far away from him as possible at the same time.

Harry thanks the carny for allowing him the ride as we get off, and with conflicted emotions, as soon as I step down from the stairs, I set off to find Carter without turning back. The fairgrounds are devoid of the excitement I had felt when Carter and I first got here, the music turned off, no ringing of games and happy screaming, and all that's left is workers closing up their games for the night, the smell of smoke and worry sinks in that I've been left here alone.

But that doesn't stop me from trying to find my friend. Because Carter wouldn't do that to me. He wouldn't just leave me here after coming with me. Surely I mean more to him than whatever his now ex-girlfriend wanted. He had to have been looking for me at this very moment too.

As I walk through the dirt paths, I send a few texts that seem to go unanswered from him. And as my feet keep moving and time presses on, his silence only upsets me even more. His car is no longer in the parking lot when I am finally kicked out of the fairgrounds and I am struck with a reality I never thought I'd be in; At least not just yet.

But here I am, in a reality without Carter. In one unamusing and hollow existence that I knew would come eventually, except once again, it shouldn't have happened this way. It only should come true when we are in different time zones, not when he still lives next door. Not now.

I lay down in the middle of the parking lot and stare up at the sky. It's not my ideal place, unable to see the stars from this position, but at the moment I can't see the point. The stars couldn't make me feel better even if they tried. They couldn't give me any shimmer of hope for the next day to come and they wouldn't in any way, shape or form, make me feel like I'm home or give me any sense of peace. Because right now, the black sky is exactly how I feel. Deserted and somber and detached from any kind of light.

"You're going to get run over, ya know," I hear from across the parking lot. I don't need to look to know the voice came from Harry and at this particular moment, I'm not sure his presence is appreciated or undesired, because in a sense, I feel both, which just makes me even more confused, and all I wish, is that I can go back to being numb so that I don't have to feel a damn thing.

"Would it really matter?" I mumble, not taking my eyes off the sky.

"Yes." His footsteps are quick and scuffing across the pavement towards me. "Yes, it would matter. Please don't think that way." In his voice, I hear panic. Almost fear crossing through to me and all I can do is close my eyes and shake my head at the idea that he thought it would be okay to hurt me, but never thought of the consequences; That maybe after everything he knew about me before hurting me, the end would result in me knowing no one cared if I was even here or not.

"What are you still doing here?" I ask, when he leans over me with his hands on his knees. He is upside down to me, but I can see the panic on his face as his hair falls over him.

"I wanted to make sure you found Carter before I left," he answers.

"Clearly he isn't here anymore," I let out in a huff. I stand up, throwing my arms around the empty parking lot, seeing how obvious that he is nowhere to be found.

"I see that," he says with raised eyebrows. "Which is why I'm glad I stayed."

I look at him wondering what the hell is up his sleeve. Obviously he doesn't know how to listen to me. "What for?"

"To walk you home," he smirks.

"Like hell you're walking me home," I sneer, before walking away from him. Sure, the distance between here and home is farther than I want it to be, but it doesn't mean I want company. Most definitely not Harry's. Him being near me is making me crazy and I can't handle this right now.

"At least let me walk with you," he yells from behind me. I can hear his footsteps following me, but I refuse to turn around, and keep my pace going. "We have to go in the same direction anyways, you might as well just walk with me."

"I don't want to walk with you," I finally say, turning around to face him. My breath is already heavy from walking fast and he is just making it worse.

"I said I was sorry, Jayde," he yells.

"You think an apology is going to fix this?" I ask. "Sorry doesn't mean shit! Actions speak louder than words, Harry. They always have with us. And it's sad that you can't see that right now. Your actions-What you did with Maddy, says more to me than any apology from you could."

"What do you want me to do?" he asks, throwing his hands in the air. "What can I do to prove to you that I'm sorry all of this happened? It can't end like this, I won't let it."

"It already did."

I hate that he is trying so hard. I hate that he won't let me just walk away from him like I told him to the day I found out about all of this, because being near him is a dangerous place for me to be. He is my weakness and it is almost impossible to be strong around him.

I both love and loathe that he doesn't want to give up on us. It proves to me that somewhere deep inside of him, he truly does have feelings for me. But it hurts to look at him. It hurts to look him in the eyes and see the pain within them. But I'm reminded of the lies. I can't let go of what he's done, because the vision of him touching her, kissing her, lives inside my mind, playing over and over like a broken record every time he's around and there's only so much I can take.

He allows for me to walk alone after I've walked away from our conversation, but I can hear that he's not far behind me. It seems ridiculous to me that we are walking in the same direction and I'm doing this to him, because I'm more focused on the sound of his footsteps than I am on anything else, as if I'm making sure he is still there.

I start to slow my pace once I hit the bridge to cross town, before stopping in my tracks and turning to look at him. He stops as our eyes meet, a look of shock on his face as if waiting for me to yell at him for following me. I let out a long breath of defeat, knowing I've just given into the part of me that misses him; My heart, and not listening to the other part of me. The part with some sense. My heart needs a good talking to.

"Walk with me?" I ask, quietly.

His eyebrows rise on his forehead, taking in what I've just said before he smiles and moves quickly towards me. "I thought you'd-"

"I didn't say I wanted to talk," I interrupt, internally smacking myself for my rudeness. "I mean, sorry."

"No talking?"

"Don't act like that surprises you," I say, trying not to crack a smile.

"Okay, okay," he laughs. "No talking, I get it. I won't complain. Walking with you is more than I should even be asking of you right now."

All I do is simply nod as we continue on our trek across town. It's quiet on the streets, only a few cars drive passed, leaving the sound of crickets and a warm breeze fill the air. It all gives a content feeling, that one I always get when Harry is next to me, and as much as I can't wait to get home to get in bed and maybe have a nice chat with Boy_Undiscovered before falling asleep, I don't think I want this walk to end. I feel as though I could walk in silence with him all night. Just walking, as if it's some therapeutic outlet that I need from him.

The silence between us is anything but awkward, and I can't help but look over at him every once in a while to see him staring at the ground before him. I wish he didn't look so good. I wish his curls weren't calling my name asking me to run my fingers through them. I wish his white t-shirt wasn't so tight, making every one of his muscles protrude and his tattoos bleed through the thin fabric. I wish. I wish. I wish he wasn't so flawless to me.

Except he isn't. And I wish he was.

When we get to the end of my street, I stop walking to look at him. "Thanks for, ya know, walking with me," I say.

"I'd feel better if you let me walk you all the way home," he tells me.

"I think you'll be fine,"I shrug, shifting my purse from one shoulder to the other. "I'll see at work, probably sometime soon." I start to walk backwards away from him, making sure he doesn't follow me. The longing in his eyes hits me like a truck and I turn around, feeling like I got the wind knocked out of me.

"Jayde, wait," he calls, making me slowly pivot my feet back around. "Can I ask you something?"

He stands before me, so close. Too close. But I can't seem to move away from him as he locks his eyes with mine.

"I just need to know something," he almost whispers.

"What?" I whisper back.

"Do you," he starts slowly. "I need to know if," he swallows. "Do you still love me?"

I finally look away, looking down. For some reason, his question brings tears to my eyes and my breath feels shaky as my heart start to pound. In this moment, I'm fighting with myself not knowing if I want to tell him the truth. I know that he is already hurting. The last thing I want to do is lie and hurt him even more, but saying it out loud might just hurt me.

"Yes, Harry," I say with a cracked voice. "I still love you."

A/N: Thank you SO much for 10.2K Reads! I can't believe I've reached this milestone already! ♥♥

I'm sorry for the wait on this one. I've been working every day this week, (Did Day 7 of 8 today...bleh) so I haven't had a lot of time to write. Thanks, always, for being patient with me! And I hope you will continue to do so!

Much Love,
amberlove
xo