"Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode. When I'm not quite sure why things have to happen the way that they do, and why I keep allowing for it to be the way it is. I know that I can only rely on myself to change it all, and for some reason I don't do a thing about it.

Although I would give anything for things to be different, she has made it clear she doesn't want things to change and even though I know I shouldn't listen, I feel as though part of me is just trying to punish her for the way that she has treated me. How when she should have been trying to protect me, like I had tried for her, she didn't do a thing. It left me bitter. It left me filled with hatred and it broke my heart. And I know that I can't help her, because even if I tried, she would still feel the same way about me. It would change nothing.

That's the saddest thing about this all. She would still blame me, as if everything that happens is all my fault. Except she doesn't want things to change. She wants it to be this way. I don't understand it, and I probably never will.

I've found a good way to escape, and it works wonders, taking me away from my troubles, making me forget the world around me when I have it. And yet the second that escape has ended, reality consumes me. Hits me back with a force that somehow can't be reckoned with.

I need this escape more than anything though. To take the weight of the world off my shoulders. To remind me that there's more to life than what normally surrounds me, which only makes me want this escape more than I should, as if it's already become some kind of addiction.

I need it. I wish I could have it right now.

((edit: I feel the need to express the fact that this escape is not drugs, because as I read it back, it sounds like that's what I'm talking about, which it definitely is not! It's much much better than that! ☺))

Girl_Disconnected"

When you get used to a routine, when just about everything stays the same, day in and day out and you expect everything to never change, it's a strange feeling when it does. And it's not just today. Change has been happening all around me for the last couple of weeks, and my head feels just about ready to explode with confusion because of it.

Harry left class this morning to meet me in the parking lot to give me back my backpack where no one would see us, because as usual, I was late. I wasn't able to fall asleep last night after reading Boy_Undiscovered's post because of the song lyrics he had written about his Dad. This boy, this person who writes such beautiful words, has been through something like I have been living with, and although it's clear his mother was smarter than mine, he's still someone in this world who could understand me in a way that no one else could.

And before I could even think about falling asleep, my parents started their fighting all over again, leaving me unable to close my eyes. Their constant screaming back and forth, bottles breaking against what I'm guessing was the wall and I can always tell when everything takes a turn for the worst, because everything goes silent after it happens. And even in the silence I can't sleep, because I feel as though I'm watching it through my very own eyes, pictures flashing through my mind as I watch the horror I know just happened downstairs, inside of my head.

I always try to take my mind off of it all while it is happening, by doing what I always do—read people's blogs and write in my own. Last night I found out just how much Rachel and Chelsea seem to dislike Maddy because they seem to think she's stealing their boys away from them. Mainly Harry, but apparently they seem to think that because Harry has been hanging around Maddy more often than they'd like to see, they think his boys will follow.

Which somehow they were right about, because they sat with us at lunch today. I couldn't wrap my head around it. Not once in our whole four years of high school had any of these boys sat with us at lunch, and here they were, all four of them, sitting with us, as if it were normal.

And it only added to the confusion in my head from this morning, after Harry handed me my English homework in the parking lot on the way into the school, that he had completed for me. He explained that he didn't want me to get stuck in detention on Monday when my time could be spent more sufficiently by having sex with him instead. And although he made a good point, I was still confused.

I'm sitting in detention, missing a rehearsal for the musical, which I could really care less about. Mrs. Andrews gave me shit because the cast is starting their dress rehearsals and I should be there making sure everyone has what they need before they go on stage. But really, what can I do? And really, what do I care? Honestly. As long as I'm back in time to put everyone's wardrobe back on the right racks when rehearsal is done, that's all that should matter.

I only sometimes read Maddy's blog. I try to stay away from it, because she uses this place as if it's her journal and I don't always like what she has to say about me. I don't think she has a clue anyone knows it exists, because I'm sure if she knew, she wouldn't say the truth the way she does. But because she's one of my best friends, I like to think that ignoring the fact that it's there, is my way of not really snooping and letting her have her privacy, even though it's on the internet for anyone's enjoyment.

But being in detention bored to tears, and curious about what's going on with her and Harry, I decide that maybe it's time to check up on it again, scrolling down a few posts, going back a couple of weeks, Harry's name catching my eye a few times as I scroll.

"March 24
Harry has started to be extra flirty with me lately. It started when I got the role as Sandy in Grease for the school musical. He's at play practice every time, and all the meetings because he's in the band with his friends. I never thought he would be someone I'd look at the way I do now, because he's pretty flirty with a lot of girls, and Kate and I are sure he's having sex with all of them which has turned me off from him. But he's actually really cute and funny. He has this smile that lights up his whole face and a laugh that is completely contagious. And even though I know I shouldn't, I think I like him."

Oooohh, shit!

"April 5
Play practice and meetings have become my favorite. Not because I'm the lead, but because it's the only time I get to have with Harry. Sure, he's still all flirty with Rachel and Chelsea and a few other girls we think he's sleeping with, but he's been putting his arm around me a lot more now. I take advantage of this when I get it, because I like his attention. I like how he smiles at me when he looks at me, his face so close to mine......"

Barf!

"I'd like to think that he might like me. I hope he does. He doesn't usually have girlfriends, but maybe I could be the one who changes that. I guess we'll see!"

Well, shit. I don't want to read this. I scroll back to the top, to her latest post, which is dated two days ago.

"While walking my dog tonight, I ran into Harry who was walking his dog. It was actually a really nice end to a good day. Because during the meeting for the musical, he grabbed my hand and pulled me onto him to sit on his lap. I think it pissed off Rachel, because she kept giving me the nastiest looks. But it was so nice, and it felt so natural to sit on his lap, with his arm around me. Anyways, so tonight was so unexpected. We walked our dogs down the streets, and he let me talk the whole time and it was nice feeling like someone was listening to me.

I kind of feel silly though, because when we got to the front of my house, I tried to kiss him. He flirts with me and puts his arm around me and he stares at me from across the cafeteria and he listened to me talk for over an hour, but he didn't kiss me back. He said he doesn't want that sort of thing right now because Graduation is coming up in less than 2 months and he's probably going to be leaving at the end of summer for college. He said he does like me, but school is his priority and he hopes I understand that he isn't looking for a girlfriend. He said he'd still love to hang out with me and my friends more often though, so that's cool.

I guess I'll keep him as close as I can. Maybe, knowing he likes me, I can get him to change his mind somehow."

Well, this is interesting stuff. I kind of feel bad for reading this now, because there's probably a reason she never talked about it with Kate and I.

A notification shows up on my phone that I've never seen before, and I instantly click on it to see what it is.

A comment. On my blog. For the first time ever.

Boy_Undiscovered:
I need to ask...If the escape isn't drugs, what is it?

I smile to myself as I read this. This is a clear indication that he reads my blog. No one has ever commented on anything that I've written before. Do I want to answer him back? Clearly I wouldn't tell him the truth.

As I walk down the hall to the auditorium, I stare at my phone trying to decide what to reply. I feel nervous for some reason. Knowing how much I love the words that he writes and the way his mind works and believing that he understands me, it all somehow means everything to me in this one small moment. It seems ridiculous that I feel this way, and so I open the doors and walk into the darkness, letting the door close behind me as I lean back against it. I realize the only way I can answer him, is to just be myself and say what I would've actually said to anyone else. No overthinking it.

Girl_Disconnected:
Wouldn't you like to know? ;)

I start to walk down the isle, the cast is on stage, Mrs. Andrews explaining something to them. The first person I notice is Harry, sitting in front of the stage on his guitar stool. I watch as he takes his phone out of his jeans pocket and smile at the screen, shaking his head.

"Ah, Jayde!" I hear Mrs. Andrews call out to me, making me look at her. "Perfect timing! Rehearsal is just about over, so you should get to wardrobe to collect everyone's things when they get there!"

Because that's exactly what I want to do on a Friday.

I made the mistake and took a bathroom break and went to the cafeteria to get a salad for dinner like I usually do after school to take home with me. No one is working, but I always leave the cash on the counter before taking it with me. Much to my dismay, when I show up in the wardrobe room, I'm left with nothing but a mess of costumes and a flustered looking Mrs. Andrews.

"Honestly, Jayde," Mrs. Andrews sighs as I walk in. "You're quite possibly the most unreliable person. You should have been here fifteen minutes ago when I asked you to be here, considering you couldn't be here right after school."

"I'm here now, aren't I?" I ask, raising my eyebrows, putting my backpack down by the door.

She looks at me through her glasses, and I can tell that she has a few choice words that she probably wants to scream at me right about now, but she doesn't. Instead, she fixes her awful braid that hangs down the side of her neck and shakes her head at me. "I have to go and get my kids from daycare. Can I trust you to put everything where it's supposed to be? Or should I be worried it will look like this when I come in here on Monday?"

I have a few choice words I'd love to say to her at this particular moment, feeling my blood start to boil. Why people have to talk to me in this tone as if I'm the worst human being, I will never understand. I didn't even want this stupid job. And yet here I am, in the last place I want to be, being talked down to and trying to hold it together. "Everything will be where it should be," I manage to say. "Don't worry."

Just as she's about to leave, Maddy and Kate walk in carrying their costumes. They say goodbye to Mrs. Andrews cheerfully and I roll my eyes at how pleasant everyone is.

"Hey, everyone is going to dinner at Pizzarama," Maddy beams, looking over at me as she hangs her costume on one of the racks. "Do you want to come with us?"

"No, I'm probably going to be here a while," I answer, sifting through the pile of clothes left for me.

"We can stay and help before we go if you want," Kate offers. I watch as Maddy nudges her arm against Kate's, clearly not wanting to stay, and now that I've read her blog, I can just imagine why she doesn't want to stay here with me. Harry is more than likely going with them, and she wants to get her much needed time in with him. Not stay here and help me.

"No, that's okay," I tell them. "Who's all going to dinner?"

"Just Harry, Niall, Louis, Liam," Maddy says, smiling. "Chelsea and Rachel and us. Maybe a few others."

"Sounds like a fun time." I internally roll my eyes. "Must be nice to afford that." I know for a fact that I could afford to go to dinner with them every night of the week, but I have played the part of not having any money for so long now, that people just buy it, and it's a good way to get out of things I don't particularly want to do.

"We decided after every rehearsal we're going to go out for dinner," Maddy explains. "You should definitely come next time."

We say goodbye and I sit on the table as they walk out, letting out a sigh as I look around me. Thankfully, I'm in no hurry to go home, and I probably could have gone for dinner with all of them. Except I don't really feel like being around anyone. I'm exhausted from the lack of sleep I got last night and still mad about the way Mrs. Andrews just spoke to me and I really, really don't want to hang up these costumes.

I lean my elbows on my knees, my head in my hands and take a deep breath. I feel the need to give myself a time out from life. Allow myself some time to breathe before I do what I'm supposed to.

A gentle touch of hands slide up the side of my legs and stop on my hips. I look up to see Harry slightly bent over to meet my height as I take my hands away from my face, sitting up straighter. He looks at me with sympathetic eyes. "You alright?" he asks, quietly.

"Yeah," I answer, rubbing my eyes. "Just exhausted and I have to put all this shit away."

He looks around the room at the mess of costumes everyone has left for me. "Animals, aren't they?"

"Shouldn't you be on your way to Pizzarama with everyone else?" I ask.

"I was waiting for everyone to leave." He looks back at me and gives me a small smile. "I was thinking a quickie would be fun, but—I think we'll save that for another day."

I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him in closer to me. "Now, why would we want to do that?"

He closes his eyes slowly and lets out a breath, before opening them again and looking at me. His eyes flick back and forth between mine and I feel as though he wants to say something but he stays silent. My mind wanders off to Maddy's blog, remembering that she wrote that he said he likes her, and I'm curious if his change of mind about having a quickie with me has anything to do with her.

In a situation like this, I'm finding it hard to know what our boundaries are. He said it was better that we don't know anything about each other, and yet, as someone who likes to know just about everything, I find myself wanting to question him about his feelings for her. I'm realizing that there's a chance I could be in the way of something they could possibly have and I feel bad that she happens to like the boy I want to keep as my secret escape.

Before I can ask, he takes his phone out of his pocket, presses a few things on the screen and music starts playing shortly after. He smiles as he places it on the table next to me. "Music makes everything better," he tells me. "And it will help us with the mess faster."

"Harry, you're not—" I try to protest.

He pulls me off the table, bringing me in close to him as he wraps his arms around me tightly. "Sweet girl, you're going to let me help you," he says. "And then I'm going to give them shit for leaving you in this mess. I can assure you, it won't look like this again."

He presses his lips to mine, and I can feel it already, that I want him to stay connected to me this way, to feel as far away from reality as possible, but it ends faster than I want it to. Surprisingly, when he pulls away and smiles at me, the quick high I felt with his kiss remains, and I can't help but return the gesture.

Somehow we get a good rhythm going, as he throws each piece of clothing at me, telling me which rack it belongs on, which I realize quickly how thankful I am for him, as I would've had no idea who's outfits were who's if he wasn't here. Every so often, he pats my bum, or twirls me in a circle making me laugh or steals a quick kiss as we sing along to the songs playing through his phone. He was right. Music makes everything better. I can't remember the last time I felt this happy doing something so mundane.

He turns the music off on his phone and puts it back in his pocket when there's only one item left. I laugh as he pulls on one of the T-Birds' leather jackets and pops the collar as he struts over to me from across the room, eyes seductively set on me, as he starts singing a song from Grease. "I got chills, they're multiplyin', and I'm losing control. 'Cause the power, you're supplyin'—it's electrifyin'." He spins himself around when he stands before me, turning back to me, instantly pressing his lips to the side of my mouth.

I continue to laugh at how ridiculous he just looked, and yet so sexy at the same time. How easy it is for him to do whatever he feels like in the moment, clear confidence radiating from him. My eyes meet his as he looks down at me, wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me into him.

"You're electrifying," he says quietly.

Our lips press together with force as I wrap my arms around his neck. I instantly allow his tongue to play with mine, making me feel like I'm going to get the escape I so desperately needed today, even though he said we'll save this moment for another day. I breathe in my need for it. Breathe in the way his hands on me takes me to another place. Away from reality, to my favorite place. The only place I want to be real.

If only I could stay here forever.

But I can't. And even when his phone starts ringing, I try to keep him close to me, to keep his lips from parting from mine, not wanting for it to end. But he doesn't hesitate to pull away from me to retrieve his phone from his pocket.

After he says hello, I can hear the other person on the line, and I can tell it's Maddy, which only brings me back to reality faster than I can handle. "Yep, I'm already on my way," he tells her. "I'll be there in a few."

I help him out of the leather jacket and put it on the rack as he keeps the phone pressed to his ear. "Yeah, sorry," he says into the phone. "I had to do something. I'm on my way now though, I promise."

I look around the room as he hangs up, making sure everything is in its place. The last thing I want is for Mrs. Andrews to think I'm even more unreliable than she already does.

"Girls," Harry groans, making me look at him. He's rolling his eyes and running his hands through his hair.

"She likes you, ya know," I blurt out, turning around to pick up my backpack off the floor.

He walks up behind me, sliding my hair off of my neck and presses his lips to my skin. "She wants a boyfriend," he says. "And I'd much rather have this." He wraps his arms around me, lifting the bottom of my shirt to rest his hands on my stomach, making me drop my backpack to the floor.

"Maybe you should stop flirting with her then," I suggest.

"Jealous?" he asks, running his tongue up my neck.

"No, I just don't want to see my best friend get hurt," I answer, tilting my head to the side, allowing him easier access to my neck.

"She knows I don't want anything more than friends with her," he tells me. "If she feels hurt, it's her own fault." He presses his lips just below my ear before spinning me around to face him.

"So, you don't like her?" I ask, looking him in the eyes.

"She's fun," he tells me, honestly. "Easy on the eyes. But—" He leans into kiss my neck again. "She's the same as all the other girls around here. They all talk too much." He pushes me back into the wall, lips still pressed to my neck. "They give too much away too fast. I like a mystery—Intrigue. You know that."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding as he leans away from me to pick up his backpack, with a smirk on his face. "We'll finish this another day," he says.

"Thanks for helping me out with this mess," I tell him, realizing he's about to leave. "Honestly, I don't know what I would have done—"

"Just keep that smile on your face," he tells me, looking at me from the doorway. "There's worse things in life than messes that are so easily cleaned up."

If only he knew I know how true this is. But I will let him think I was just upset about the mess. It's better than him ever knowing the truth. I watch as he walks out the door, leaving me wrapped up in reality, with no place to go but back home.

A/N: Hey lovies! Thanks for 3.9K reads! Press the star if you're still enjoying this and please leave a thought! Comments are always my fave! ☺♥☺

Much Love,
amberlove

xo