"It all comes in waves.

The hurt, the pain, grief, regret. It comes in overpowering doses in the form of tidal waves. Mostly at times I'm least expecting it to, which only makes it hit all that much harder. How easy it is to pull me under to the point I could watch myself drown in it.

But then the tide slows and it lowers. Peacefully slow and calm and low enough for me to reach the bottom, the water clear enough for me to see the beauty in it all. And I wish I could stay within the calm even if it means I'm only drifting by.

Because when the waves aren't overbearing, I understand it better and for a moment I can be happy about it. For this is what I wanted her to do for as long as I can remember. I just didn't think she would leave without me.

But why would I have expected it to be any different? She has never had my best interest at heart. She watched me get hurt physically, she hurt me emotionally, why would she care about my mental state? I know that people sometimes need to be selfish when it comes to their well being, but she has abandoned me and that is one more thing to add to the list of things I don't want to feel.

Girl_Disconnected"

I'm laying in the middle of the living room floor staring up at the ceiling. I had moved the coffee table against the wall and opened all the curtains to let the warm breeze flow through the room, and laid my body down on the hard wood and haven't moved for quite some time, other than to send one simple text before placing my phone back on the floor next to me.

It's been more than twenty-four hours since Harry asked me why I needed an escape and surprisingly he didn't force an answer out of me after I wasn't able to give him one. I didn't lie or try to make up an excuse, I just looked at him, silently begging him to take back the question.

 It was almost shocking that he didn't get mad at me for shutting him out again. There were no harsh words or ultimatums made, and as we sat across the table from each other in almost silence with his study papers for exams in front of us, I realized that Carter was right. I needed to tell Harry the truth. 

Except that moment wasn't the time nor the place to reveal my need for that particular escape he had just given me. I knew I needed time. I needed time to understand it myself and be more optimistic about it than I was at that specific time. It was still an open wound, too fresh. And while Harry just put the band-aid on, I wasn't ready for it to be ripped off just yet.

And so when the bell rang and he gathered his papers, I promised him I'd tell him when I was ready. I didn't realize what such a small promise could do, but there was something about the way he looked at me and smiled that made me understand that somehow everything would be alright.

He knows so little and yet so much at the same time. And as I lay on this hard floor, I know that he cares about me. He doesn't want to know why I needed that escape just for the sake of knowing, he wants to know because he wants to help me through whatever it is I'm going through, not just give me an escape that lasts a few moments in time, but really show me that he is there. 

He has been there. He has tried to be there, and he was always right about how difficult I am. And yet, he's still here, proving to me I'm much more than just a girl he fucks around with. We may not speak our feelings, but in our case, actions always spoke louder than words. I was just too stubborn to see passed everything negative we surrounded ourselves in.

When I hear a creak of the floor upstairs, I know that he is here. I stay silent, keeping my place on the floor, waiting to see if he'll come down the stairs.

"What the hell?" I hear him say. "Jayde?" Before I can reply, I hear him running down the stairs. "Oh my God, please be okay. Jayde, answer me!"

"I'm right here, Harry," I mumble, as he runs into the living room. 

He's hovered over me in no time, inspecting my face as he breathes heavily. "Are you okay? What happened? Why are you laying on the floor? Did something happen? Are you hurt?" He is clearly in full panic mode, worry etched in his features, talking faster than usual.

"I'm fine," I tell him. "Just lay down with me."

He looks around the room to see that it is empty and quiet, confusion setting in before he looks back down at me. "Where's your mom?"

"Just lay down," I tell him again, patting the floor next to me.

"And what happened to your room?" he asks, finally listening to me, as he lays down next to me on his back. "What happened to all your stuff?"

"Would you stop asking questions," I laugh.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles, turning his head to look at me. "I'm just trying to figure out what's going on here. I thought you were hurt. Why are you laying here?"

I don't answer him. Instead I close my eyes and take a deep breath. And it isn't because I'm nervous to tell him the truth, it's because saying it out loud will make it real. And even though I've come to a positive outlook on this, I'm scared to say it. 

"She's gone," I finally say. "She left on Sunday."

Harry doesn't say anything before he moves his arm under my head and pulls me in close to him. He kisses my forehead and lets out a long breath, and I wonder if he's going to say anything at all. I wonder how he feels about me sharing such a big thing with him. I feel relieved that he now knows. That somehow telling him the truth put him in a position that I usually only put Carter in. In the place where I feel like I can trust him one hundred percent.

"When I came home on Sunday, my room was completely trashed," I tell him, quietly. "My Dad busted the lock on my door and tore my room apart. It was a mess."

"Why didn't you call me?" he asks.

"I called Carter."

"Oh."

"He helped me clean everything up and throw everything away," I explain. "And he fixed the lock on my door. We got it all finished last night."

"I could have come to help you, ya know," he says. "You didn't need to call Carter. You haven't been sleeping here alone, have you?" He sits up and looks at me with wide eyes, as if the thought of me sleeping in this house alone terrifies him.

"No," I answer, sitting up next to him. "I've been sleeping at Carter's."

"What?"

"Well, I wasn't going to sleep here," I tell him.

I watch as he stands from his place on the floor, running his hands through his hair. "You have a room to stay in at my house. You don't need to sleep at Carter's," he says. 

"I didn't want to bother you." I stand up, not wanting to look up at him to have this conversation. I can't tell if he's mad or how he's feeling. His tone implies that he is, but I can't for the life of me figure out why he would be. I'm finally being honest with him. Isn't that what he wanted?

"No, you just didn't want to tell me," he says. "You really weren't going to tell me that your mom left? Or that your dad trashed your room? Instead you just come to me for an escape to help you forget it all?"

"I told you, Harry," I argue back. "What more do you want from me?"

"I want you to trust me," he says.

"I do trust you."  

I can't believe this is happening right now. How did this lead to another fight? I don't understand. Why is he yelling at me after I finally told him the truth about something? I finally let him in on something as big as this and he has to fight about it with me?

"Then stop going to Carter for things I can help you with." He breathes out a long breath as I watch his whole being slump in front of me.

"Is that what this is about?" I ask. "You're more mad about the fact I went to Carter instead of you?"

He doesn't say anything, his eyes flicking between me and the floor nervously.

"Carter is my best friend, Harry," I explain harshly. "He is the only person in the world I can trust fully. He's the only person who knows everything there is to know about me and he will always be the first person I go to when it comes to things about my family. No, I didn't want you to know my Dad trashed my room. That's fucking embarrassing as hell. And did I want you to know about my mom leaving? No, but I knew I'd tell you eventually. I can't believe you're fighting with me right now after I told you about my mom leaving, as if fighting about Carter is more important than my mom not being here anymore."

"You're right, I'm sorry," he says. "Envy took over at the wrong time. I'm sorry."

"Envy?" I ask, sitting down on the couch. "You're jealous of Carter?"

My emotions are all over the place. I want to cry and to keep screaming and yet the thought of him being jealous of Carter makes butterflies erupt inside of me, which just makes me want to laugh and smile like an idiot.

What is this boy doing to me?

"I want you to run to me," he says, sitting down next to me. His eyes meet mine in seriousness. "I want to be the one who protects you. I want you to trust me enough to want to tell me everything. I like that you have a friend as good as Carter is, but—"

"But what?"

He shakes his head and sighs. "Never mind," he says, pulling me in close to him. "I'm sorry about your Mom. Are you alright?"

As much as I want him to finish his sentence and keep talking about what he wants to be for me, a part of me knows that's a conversation to be had at a different time. We strayed from the topic I invited him over here to talk about, and I want him to see that I do trust him. My secrets may not be told so easily, but I'm trying.

"I wasn't okay," I admit. "Watching her walk out the door, not wanting me to go with her was hard, but I think I understand why she did and I'm alright, for now."

"Where did she go?" he asks. "Do you know? What made her leave?"

"You're like a five year old with all the questions, oh my God," I laugh.

After explaining what I know about where my mom went and why, we walk up the stairs to my room together. My heart plummets as we walk in, not used to the sight just yet. I don't think I could ever get used to seeing it so bare. It will never feel like mine again. No, things are not meant to make a person feel whole, but the things I did have were mine and they were important to me. They were memories, a part of who I am. And now they're gone.

"I can't believe your twinkle lights are gone," Harry says, as he sits down on my bed.

"Really?" I ask. I furrow my brows as I look at him as he looks at the wall where they used to hang. "Of all the things that aren't here anymore, that's what you notice?" In all honesty, they were my favorite too, but I think my mini fridge was more of a piss off, just because it cost so damn much.

"What?" he asks, smiling over at me. "I'm going to miss those lights. So, what's your plan now?"

I shrug, sitting next to him on the edge of my bed. I hadn't really had a plan after telling Harry about everything, other than to still stay at his house when my Dad was home.

"You're going to come and stay with me, right?" he asks. "You're not staying here and I won't let you stay with Carter anymore."

"You won't let me?" I'm baffled by his choice of words. Yes, he admitted to being jealous of Carter not long ago, but he's not about to tell me what I can't do. I'm an independent girl and I don't think he has any right to tell me where I can't stay. 

"I don't like the idea of you sleeping in his bed," he says, honestly. "Not when you could be sleeping in mine."

"Maybe I'll just stay here then when my Dad isn't here," I tell him.

"Out of the question." He stands from my bed and walks across the room to look out the window. "I don't want you here if your Dad shows up."

"He won't be here any earlier than Thursday."

"You don't know that," he argues. "And we're not about to find out either. You're coming home with me to stay. I know my mom won't mind."

It takes a while for me to agree with him, but I eventually do, knowing that I can't stay here. I don't like the thought of being a burden on anyone, but we only have so much time before everything is going to change, and maybe I need to take advantage of it before our time runs out.

Gathering up the last of my belongings, I take one last look around my room as we climb through the window. I have no reason to come back here anytime soon now, unsure as to how I feel about it all.

"Are you okay?" Harry asks, as we enter the woods, stopping to look at me.

I shrug, not knowing the answer.

"You should be proud of your mom," he tells me. "She needed to do this. She'll reach out to you when she feels it's right, and all of this will be worth it."

"I know she needed to do it," I agree. "And I am proud of her. Doesn't make this any easier though. She didn't just walk out on my dad. She walked out on me, and after I stayed and dealt with everything just to make sure she was alright, it's almost like a kick in the face. I did what I could for as long as I could, to make things easier for her, and she left me here to fend for myself. I know I'm being selfish, but I can't help it."

"You're allowed to feel that way, Jayde," he sighs, stepping closer to me. "You're allowed to be selfish, to feel for yourself. This situation isn't easy. But you're not alone, and I don't want you to feel like no one loves you. You got the shitty end of the stick. But I think you just need to be patient, and you will see that even though your mom left without you, you will see that one day she did this all for you."

I start walking in the direction of Harry's house without replying. I don't think he realizes that my mom isn't like his. While Anne does everything in the best interest of Harry, it doesn't work that way in my family. I can only hope that what he said is true. That somehow in the end, mom didn't just leave to better her life for her, but somehow for me as well.

"Thank you for being honest with me," he says, catching up and walking next to me. "I know it was hard for you, but I'm glad you finally let me in. I hope you don't want to keep any more secrets from me."

"I have no more secrets to keep, Harry," I  sigh. "You know everything now."

This realization hits me like a truck. No, he may not know every single detail of all my secrets, but he knows more than he should have ever known. Telling him gave me a sense of relief, but this just opened up a whole new way of me getting hurt in the end.

Because as I once said, if you know all my secrets, I will never, ever let you go.

But I know that one day, and sooner rather than later, we will have to let each other go, because my dreams are not his and I will have to see them through.

Without him.

A/N:  I bet you're happy she finally told him the truth. lol
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