The ride back from Madrona was nice. This whole day was nice. I never wanted it to end. I was more than certain that even though I was going home right after we got back into town, that there wasn't one possible thing that would bring me down. 

I felt like I was on a high. An escape much different than the kind I would get from Harry, through sex. But a real happy high on life. The boy sitting next to me in his car held my hand and randomly gave me kisses at red lights or when traffic on the highway came to a stop, and I loved every second of it.

The smile couldn't be wiped from my face and apparently it was obvious to him as he had made a point to bring it up as if it was surprising that I was as happy as I was. And truth be told, it felt strange to be this happy, to not have a worry inside of me that there was a possibility something would go wrong after this. After all, I had it all figured out.

I'd be away from my house whenever Dad was home and Mom left me alone on the days I would have to be there. Leaving everything to be okay. Better than okay.

And I think I needed to hear what Julia had to say. She made me realize that I had always been something to Harry. Whether he had just watched me from afar out of curiosity or if it was because he actually cared somehow about the broken girl who sat on the hill. Either way, knowing I was something to him did me in.

I was done for. And there was no going back.

As we drive up to the front of my house, I feel a small bit of the happiness I felt, leave my body, realizing this is it. I want to tell him to take me back to his house. I don't want to leave him to be alone, to hide in my room with a locked door, even if it's just for a few days.

I know that once I get out of this car, reality will surround me and I'm not ready for it. For he has given me a side to life that feels like something out of a dream and I don't want to wake up.

"It's kind of weird coming back here," I finally say, taking my seat belt off and sighing. "I guess I'll see you at school tomorrow."  

I'm about to climb out of the car, but he interrupts me by saying my name, making me look over at him. He leans over and crashes his lips to mine and I kiss him with such force and passion. My way of telling him I don't want things to change. I want it to be this way for as long as we can. Random kisses and holding hands and happiness that gives me a high on life.

I grab my bags quickly and make my way out of the car. Away from him and closer to the real world. Unsure as to how I feel about this time together coming to an end, not knowing what will happen even tomorrow, I don't look back.

The gasp that leaves my mouth could be heard down the street as I open the window to my room. I want to scream and cry, but I'm in so much shock at the sight before me, I can't seem to do anything.

The entirety of my bedroom is trashed. Clothes strewn about the floor, the pictures on my walls, smashed to the ground, my twinkle lights torn from above my bed now lay on the opposite side of the room. Everything is everywhere. My life a mess in front of me.

I climb in and sit myself down on the window sill unsure what I'm supposed to do now. I can't believe that my entire life is laid out before me, untidy and broken glass and disastrous.  The longer I sit and stare at it, the worse it looks. And my dream-like life disappears from my heart.

I want to cry, but my phone buzzing in my hand stops me as I look down at it, seeing that Boy_Undiscovered has finally messaged me back.

Boy_Undiscovered:
Hey, sorry I didn't reply for the last little while. I've been kind of busy.

I try to decide if I want to wait to reply and figure out what to do with this mess before I get myself into a conversation. But knowing how long it took him to reply, I decide if I want to talk to him, I better do it now before he is busy again.

Girl_Disconnected:
That's okay. After I read your last blog post, I figured you were busy with her, now that you've realized she loves you.

He doesn't reply right away, which makes me finally move into my room, glass crunching beneath my feet. I stand in the center of the catastrophe and start to wonder how this all happened.

Boy_Undiscovered:
Nah, things with her didn't work out. What I thought, was wrong. She doesn't love me. But I don't want to talk about her. How's things with you?

I know that this mess was caused by my father. I don't need to question that at all. He's the only person who would do such a thing, and I can imagine that when I didn't answer my door when I left on Thursday, he made his way in and took his anger out on my stuff.

I can't fucking believe this. After all this time of having my space and keeping it perfectly neat the way I like it, this happens. This was the one place in my life that I had that was mine, and now things are broken and ruined and falling apart.

I look to the door to see that it's slightly open, quickly going over to it to see that the lock is broken, the door knob slightly out of place.

What the fuck? What the actual fuck?

I bring my phone up and call the only person I know who can help me right now, since he was the person who put the lock on my door to begin with.

"I need you to come over," I say into the phone when Carter answers. "Like right now."

"What?" he asks. "Slow down."

"I need you to come over to my house," I say again, slower this time.

"Is everything okay?"

"No."

"SOS?" he asks, panic in his tone.

"No—no," I sigh. "Just—please get over here."

I hang up the phone and slide down the door to the floor, making it shut behind me. Remembering I was having a chat with Boy_Undiscovered, I decide while I wait, I will reread what he had said to me and reply, so that I can think of something else instead of the mess in front of me.

Girl_Disconnected:
Sorry to hear about the girl. If it makes you feel any better, I think she's stupid for not knowing what she had. It's her loss.
And things are actual shit right now, but whatever. 

I let out a long breath, running my hands through my hair, pulling my legs up close to my chest. I look next to me on the floor, seeing a picture of my Grandma and I under smashed glass. Seeing it makes tears well up in my eyes.

"What the hell happened here?"

Carter's voice takes me away from my thoughts. Wiping the tears from my face, I stand up and run over to him, wrapping my arms around his neck.  What would I do without him sometimes?

"Are you okay?" he asks. "Are you hurt? Talk to me, please. What happened?"

I explain what I think happened, watching as his whole being relaxes from his tense state knowing I wasn't present in this chaos. 

"This is insane, Jayde," he expresses with his eyebrows raised in disbelief. "Who the hell does he think he is doing this to your stuff? This is mental, I want to beat the living shit out of him. Someone needs to knock some sense into that douchebag and lock him up."

Carter is clearly just as mad as I am, maybe even more, and I feel bad that I've called him over here seeing the strain between his eyes. I know that he is holding back more than he wants to say to me, knowing that it's not the right time to express any more than he already has. I'm grateful he hasn't started on it and I'm hoping he won't say anything knowing how much I hate the topic of calling the cops on my dad.

He tells me he's going down to his shed to get a new doorknob and he'll be back once he cancels plans with Layla to help me clean up. He glares at me when I try to tell him I would just like a new door knob and I don't need help with the mess but the look on his face is all I need to shut my mouth.

It isn't long before he comes back with what he needs to fix my door, and I've already started picking up my clothes and throwing them in a laundry basket to start clearing the space below our feet.

"Why didn't you call Harry?" Carter asks, opening my bedroom door to start on the job. "Not that I don't mind helping you, Jayde, because you know that I'm here anytime you need me. But I thought since he knows things now, you would go to him instead, ya know?"

"He still doesn't know everything and right now I don't want him to," I tell him without looking over at him. "And I guess it's just habit that I'd call you. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but you know what I mean, right?"

He lets out a small laugh, indicating he understands me. "I'm glad I'm still your go-to guy," he says. "Don't worry about that. I don't think Harry would know how to fix a door knob anyways."

I want to come back with the fact that Harry happens to be very talented with his hands, but decide against it, not wanting to talk about that sort of thing with my ex-boyfriend.

"Mrs Cohen!" Carter says, standing up from his place at the door. I look over to see Mom standing in the hallway. 

"Carter," Mom grumbles. Her cheek is bruised and she has a goose egg on her forehead, her eyes are sunken in and she looks tired.

I want to ask her if she's okay, but I know she will lie to me anyways and say that she's fine, despite the fact it's clear that she's not.

"How could you let this happen?" Carter shouts, throwing his screw driver to the floor. "How do you live with yourself knowing what he does to you—and to her? You've not just ruined your life, but you've allowed for Jayde's life to be ruined too.  All of this—it never should have happened! That man should have been locked up years ago, and for some reason you feel the need to protect him and not do what's right."

No one says anything when he finishes screaming, the tension in the air growing thick. I don't dare to look at my mother or say anything to object what he's just yelled at her.

"Look at your daughter, Mrs Cohen!" he starts up again. "Look at her and tell me you can't stand the fact you've made her life a living hell! You let him ruin everything without caring what it did to her. You let this happen. I remember before this all started, and I know who you used to be. And I know you're better than this. Or I thought you were. I don't even want to look at you, so get the hell away from this door so I can fix what you let break, like I always have to."

"I'm leaving," Mom says quietly, making my eyes shoot over to her. "You're right Carter. I fucked up. I'm only human and far from perfect." She looks over at me, solemn look in her eyes as they lock with mine. "I've made mistakes that I know I can never take back and I let this go on for too long. I took all my anger out on you, said things I never should have and pushed you away from me. And you will never understand how sorry I am for all of that. For all of what I've done to you."

I'm not sure I want to believe a word she's said, for she has tried to apologize a couple of times and let things continue afterwards. Her words can never be trusted no matter how many tears appear to be rolling down her cheeks.

"But I'm done," she continues. "What he did this past weekend—he went too far. And I only stayed until now because I wanted to tell you myself that I'm leaving."

"Where are you going?" I ask, finding my voice through the shock.

"I'm going to the city and checking myself into rehab," she tells me. "I'll be safe there and the drinking will stop. I'll get some counselling too."

"I can come with you," I say, taking a few steps closer to her. As horrible as she has been to me, she is still my mother and I love her through all the hatred I have felt for her over the years. I could help her clean up her act and we could have a relationship again. She's the reason I never left to begin with. I wanted to be here to make sure she was slightly alright. That's why I helped her for so long with cleaning the house and making sure everything was okay, before I forced myself to stop doing that for her.

"You're not coming with me, Jayde," she sighs. "You're going to finish high school and you're going to do amazing things with your life and not worry about me. Go to college and travel like Grandma wanted for you."

"But Mom," I try. "I can be there for you."

"I have done enough horrible things to you," she murmurs. "And I'm not going to take any more of your life away from you. I want better for you than this. And I'm not going to take you down any more than I already have. I should have listened to Anne when she came by that day, I know that now. She had a lot of good advice for me and I'm finally going to take it."

I can feel with every nerve in my body that what she's saying is true. Words that I have wanted to hear for so long finally fell from her lips and I never expected for any of this to happen. The light bulb finally went off in her head and even though she's telling me I can't be a part of her recovery, I'm proud of her for wanting to leave and take this step.

 I take the few steps between us and wrap my arms around her neck, feeling her arms wrap around my waist as tight as she possibly can. Knowing this could be the last time I see her in a very long time, or even ever, makes my body start to tremble, unable to control the sobs from within.

When she releases her hold on me, she presses her hand to my cheek gently. "My beautiful girl," she sniffles. "Go and have the life you deserve. Be happy and marry a nice man." She smiles looking over at Carter. "Be adventurous and live the rest of you life without regrets." She hugs me one last time, before turning and walking down the hall.

I follow her to the top of the stairs, Carter right behind me. He sets his arm around my shoulder as we watch her walk down the stairs. Her suitcase is already packed waiting for her at the front door at the bottom. The tears welling up in my eyes make her form become blurry and I swipe at them to better my vision to see her this last time.

"Take care of our girl, Carter,"she says, looking up at us. "And be sure to not be here when your father returns. He'll be angry that I've gone and I don't want him to take it out on you. You should leave too." I nod my head, telling her I will do as she says. "I love you, Jayde, and I'm sorry."

Watching her walk out the door is undoubtedly the hardest and best thing to ever witness. My emotions are all over the place; Happiness and sadness coursing through me in ways I've never experienced. The sobs return, taking over my body as I wrap my arms around Carter's waist, listening to Mom's old car start up outside.

He wraps his arms around me, engulfing me in the comfort that he is to me as I press my ear to his chest. I have never been more grateful to have him in my life than I am at this very moment, not knowing how I would have been able to live through this moment if he wasn't here. He lets me cry in his arms until I have no tears left, his shirt wet from the abundance of tears that I have just shed.

He looks down at me, empathy in his features before he kisses the top of my head. "Everything is going to be fine," he tells me. "This needed to happen. It's for the best."

"I know," I mumble, wiping my face. Just because it's for the best doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. After years of not having a relationship with my mother, just when there was a chance things could go back to the way they once were with her, I had to watch her walk out of my life, to better her life without me in it.

But that's when I realize I knew it all along. To better yourself, you must to do it alone. I had always known that, that's why my plan was always what it was, and I don't think even Harry could change it.

A/N: I'm on a roll these days! 3 updates in 4 days! ☺☺☺

Thank you for 67.2K Reads! I'm over the moon with all your love! Keep the comments coming!

Thoughts?

Much Love,
amberlove
xo