Everything was different. And as I sit here in the tub, soaking in the most amazing scent of satsuma bubbles trying to ease the ache of my entire body, I'm still speechless. I feel as though I've lost all sense of the universe, unable to fathom just how different he was with me, than any other time we had been together.

As I had so desperately needed an escape, an escape isn't what I ended up getting. I never got to see the stars. They hadn't even made themselves visible. And as much as I would like to feel the disappointment in that fact, I came out of it only consumed with confusion. Almost lost. And it wasn't because he didn't make me forget reality, because he certainly did. Not because he gave me an escape, but because nothing was like it ever was before.

And I absolutely hated it.

He had kissed me so fiercely, in a way that he has before, except it wasn't the same. There was something so aberrant about it, that despite the fact I could feel the diversity in it, he still turned me on as quickly as he normally would have. The way he dug his fingers into my skin, how he didn't waste his time unzipping my jeans as he pushed me against the wall with his hips. How his breathing was heavy even before he slid his fingers inside me.

And before he had carried me across the room to sit me on the desk, my pants were already at the floor. I had no time to think, no time to react, as he unraveled a condom over his shaft and although I knew it was coming, it was almost without warning that he thrust his dick inside of me.

He didn't make eye contact, he didn't moan my name or even say anything at all. And while fucking me, his lips never met mine. His fingers didn't glide down my body and there were no goosebumps. I don't think he really even touched me, but thinking back to it, I don't think he did at all.

The connection that I once felt with him was gone, even through the moments our bodies were connected closely. He thrust himself in and out of me, and there was nothing but the feeling of how good he felt as he moved his hips. But there was nothing but that. No passion. No feeling. No life between us. Just a hard dick and a pussy taking a pounding.

And when he was done, he stepped away from me, the look of satisfaction gleamed across his face, and when I noticed, I had to turn away from him. Moving myself off the desk to get my pants off the floor, not wanting to feel a damn thing, especially not the pang in my chest that seemed so overbearing.

"Thanks for that," he had said, as I pulled my pants on. The coldness in his voice was evident, I didn't need to look at him to understand his tone. "That was exactly what I needed."

My eyes met his for the first time and I hoped how I was feeling wasn't written all over my face. I was speechless. Dazed. Even dumbfounded by what had just happened and his words. All I could do was stare at him, unsure if there was even a thought coursing through my messed up mind.

"Great escape, Jayde," he continued. "It was just what I needed to forget shit."

Replaying the words inside of my mind, I realize exactly what he meant. What he did to me, was exactly what I said I did to him. He used me as an escape. And an escape is all I clearly was. Just a few moments in time for him to forget the shitty world I surrounded him in. To forget me while he fucked me. And apparently it was exactly what he needed.

There was no coming to terms with how this made me feel, because tears streamed down my face, falling into the bubbles below. I had deserved every second of being used. Deserved his words, how painfully meaningful they were. I had hurt him on purpose for reasons I cannot take back, and in turn, he needed to make me feel pain as I did him.

And it hurt. And I deserved it.

So suddenly, my eyes widen, staring at the white tile on the other side of the tub. Everything hit me. This pain I'm in, the hurt I can't bear to feel. His words, his distant actions and feeling that connection has disappeared, only makes me realize how badly I need it. How much I want to feel that connection with him again.

I know it isn't because I want an escape. It's not because I so desperately want to see the stars. I want to see him. I want to feel him. Because the person who fucked me in that office on that desk, wasn't Harry. And if it was, then I don't know him at all.

Because the Harry that I know is sweet. He is so kind and generous and unlike anyone I have ever known. And he liked me. Or at least he thought he did. And I know within this gut wrenching pain, comes feelings that I have so desperately been trying to avoid.

I know they have been there for a while. These feelings for him. I just didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to think that I was falling for the one person I needed. Because in my life, love is supposed to be just a myth. I saw love as something that crumbled. Only there to break you. And with everything that's broken me already, I didn't want anything else that could shatter me.

And here I am, feeling broken because I had let myself feel without even realizing it had happened. I had fallen and only understood that because my heart is now broken in ways it has never felt broken before.

I have loved and I have lost all in a matter of moments, and I was the one to blame for all of this pain.

Looking into my reflection, the slate wiped clean, I am reminded of the life I live. Not the part I have with Harry, but the real reality. The one I so desperately need to get away from. The reality that brought me to this place in the first place. The one I want to hide away from and never return to. 

But I know that I can't stay here forever, especially with Harry giving me the cold shoulder. And part of me thinks that going back home to a place with a father who has no shame in making me look this way, might be better. With the way that Harry made me feel tonight, I don't know which one is worse. Emotional pain or physical pain? 

Either way, there is no winning for me.

Before leaving the bathroom, I listen outside the door to make sure that no one is there. The last thing I want is to run into Harry in the hallway with my black eye on display. When I hear nothing, I quickly run from the bathroom to my bedroom and shut the door closed tight, leaning back against it, letting out a sigh of relief.

My phone on the nightstand chimes the sound of a new blog post from Boy_Undiscovered, and I walk over to it, wondering if he's written about this girl he talked to me about. I wonder if he waited for her. I wonder if she came back to him like I had told him she would. I hope that she did. The sweet, romantic soul that he is, deserves to be happy.

Getting comfortable on the bed, pulling the comforter over my body, I decide to open his blog on my laptop, and with the first words I read on his post, I let out a long puff of air, knowing his words aren't going to give me any kind of hope for my own life that somehow they usually seem to.

"In times like these, I want to take it all back. To not feel a thing. Maybe even to allow her to remain just the girl I admired from afar. This misery I feel doesn't seem worth it, because I'm having a hard time right now believing that she was worth anything at all.

I thought I knew her. I thought that I had brought her walls down. Enough to make her see the truth and to feel it. To allow herself to be open with me. But that feeling when you think you know someone, and they do something that shouldn't take you by surprise, but it does, is like a fucking slap in the face.

All I feel is disoriented. Misplaced in my own skin. We're not as strong as I thought we were and the truth that I thought would make us, broke us in ways I can't comprehend. And there was no preparing myself for it, because I thought it was different with us. I thought we were in a better place than we seemed to have been.

But her darkness has shown through. Her true colors apparent. For they aren't even colors at all. Just shades of black and grey, unwilling to even try to brighten.

The belief in me that I could help her, has faded. I'm starting to think it's impossible for her to feel. Her broken heart won't mend and I can't put it back together. For everything that she has been through has made her this way. Cold and selfish and evasive.

And I have dealt with cold. I have lived with selfish and I can't deal with evasive. My father ingrained in me that you cannot fix those things in a person. No matter how much you try, no matter how many times you try to prove that you will be better for them, you will still get burned in the end, because those things don't fall away. You can't take that out of someone. They have to be willing to change, and with her, just like him, their hearts are black. Stone cold. Ice. They don't want to feel anything but pain. They don't want to see passed the darkness, and with that, a person unwilling to change, cannot be.

I tried. It can't be undone. My time. My effort. Wasted on a life that cannot and will not feel a damn thing for me in return. 

Boy_Undiscovered"

The way his words always make me feel, the way he writes, conveys so much emotion I can't help but feel for him. When he was happy, his words made me smile. The way he would write with so much hope, so much love, this boy could make me feel something within seconds. He so easily brought me into everything that he was, just through the words he would write on his screen. I felt so connected to this stranger from the very start. Wrapping myself around his words in ways that somehow only he could know how. 

And with this post, he had clearly given up on her. And I could understand why he would, the way he explained her. She seemed undeserving of someone as special as he was to me. And although her brokenness reminded me of myself, I am already aware of how undeserving I am of finding love. As much as I want it, I somehow know that I won't get it—at least anytime soon. Because like Boy_Undiscovered explained, people who can't see passed the darkness can't be changed, unless they want to.

And right now, in my current situation, there's nothing but darkness. There's no seeing passed it even if I tried.

And so I click on the button to write a new post. To maybe write my thoughts away. To lose myself in words that will slip from my fingertips to try and feel better. If that's at all possible.

"Some might think it strange that I'd want to go back in time. For all the times I want to forget, or wish that I never had to experience. But there are moments that I'd love to revisit, just to remember how I felt during specific memories. Because sometimes when I think back to these times, I want to reach out and hold onto it a little longer. Especially at times like right now, when things don't feel so great, and there's nothing to hold onto to keep myself from falling.

I want to go back to the days I was naive and didn't know better. To stages I didn't yet know the truth, didn't know pain. When all that mattered was one friendship and the innocence of us. But everyone has to grow up. We all have to go through heartache and pain, and start to understand things we never did before.

And there are many moments in my life that I have wished to relive. Such as the days my parents actually smiled. To times they hugged me and made me laugh and tucked me in at night. But at the moment I want to go back to not very long ago.

So many things have changed. It's as if it all changes each and every day, it's impossible to know what's going to happen tomorrow. And because I'm at a moment in time I feel nothing could keep me from crying, it's these memories I'm holding onto—the moments I wish to revisit, that make me want to go back in time, just to remember how I felt.

Because back then, somehow things were easier. How effortless it was to have him lay next to me for hours in silence and feel completely at ease. Just to have him near me as we lay under the stars and not say anything. It was as if he knew I needed that. And at the moment, I miss it. I miss those nights laying under the stars in silence. I miss the comfort he brought me just by being beside me, as if to tell me he was there, but I didn't need to talk. He didn't need to say a word and I felt the warmth in him that I am craving at this very moment.

And the day I felt freedom. The day we ran down the hill with the wind in my hair and the sun was setting. I need to breathe that day in for all it was worth. Because no one could ever understand what that day brought me. I would give anything to feel how I felt in that beautiful moment all over again.

It was that perfect beautiful moment. The one I will remember forever.  Because through all of it, I was so happy, that in all of this mess my life has been consumed in, I was able to find him. And that was the moment I knew.

Girl_Disconnected" 

A/N: I'm happy to be writing this book again, and I know that so many of you have missed Jayde and Harry. I'm sorry that my posts aren't being written faster. I am trying.

Also sorry not much happens in this chapter. I figured both blog posts needed to happen here, because I feel like I haven't written a good one in a while! Hope you still love it! 

If you haven't had the chance to check out my other book Dreamscape, it's needing some love!

Much love,
amberlove
xo