"Love and family should go hand in hand. With mine, hands only do the breaking. They only leave scars and bruises with every touch, filled with everything opposite to any sort of love, and I am always left to wonder what it's like to be a part of all the opposites for once. I got a glimpse of what it would be like. To be a part of something that I find magical. And it was more than I could have ever anticipated.

Although I was a stranger to them, they made me feel welcome. They took me in with open arms and their warm hearts and allowed for me to cry in their lap when I needed to. It gave me a sense of belonging. It gave me that happiness I long for. Of feeling loved by a woman who was not my mother, but acted as if she was when she knew I needed it.

And it's all made me feel crazier in a sense. Because I long for love. It's something I know that I need. I want to feel it. I want to be able to touch it with the tips of my fingers and have it grab onto my hand for dear life and never let go. And yet, it scares me more than anything.

I know that I'm confusing. I confuse myself in all the wrong ways. Because I want someone to love me so bad, and it hurts when I know someone doesn't. And sometimes I just wonder if I was made to be unloved. If I will ever be able to love someone again. If it's possible for someone to feel that way about me. I know that on my good days, I have a lot to offer. I would give the world to someone who would show me any kind of care.

But I know that it doesn't come that easy. Someone just doesn't fall into your life and feel that way. Life is not a fairy tale. I'm not a princess and I'm afraid I will never meet my Prince Charming. There will be no magical kiss that will wake me up from this nightmare and I will never get a happily ever after.

Although, sometimes when I kiss him and I get to see the stars, that magic appears and maybe I have to see that as a sign. Maybe that's the magic I've been longing for? For he is someone who has made my heart beat so fast, at times I didn't want it to beat at all.

Except I know that it isn't. It can't be. Because feelings between us isn't in the cards. I threw away my heart when this all started and although he has given me moments where I could literally feel my heart break with his words, it's never going to feel anything more than broken.

And he will never love me.

He loves my body. He loves what I give him. And maybe that's what he meant when he mistakenly said those words out loud, before he took them back. Before he realized the blunder he made.

And I will have to remind myself the next time he looks me in the eyes, that love is a myth and I will forever just be an untold story."

Girl_Disconnected"

Nervous. 

It's an understatement to how I've been feeling all day. It's made me throw up a couple of times, having to leave class to do so, unable to stop my heart from racing.

Anxious.

My hands won't stop shaking. I feel like I'm sweating. More panic within me than I think I've ever experienced. The thoughts in my head made everything worse, because I don't think that this dinner with my mother and Harry tonight will at all go well.

I went home from Harry's fairly early yesterday, and cleaned the living room and kitchen from top to bottom, making sure everything was shiny and in order. The difference between my house and Harry's was even more obvious to me now that I had stayed there for a few days, and all it did was make me even more depressed to call this place my home.

Mom wasn't in a good mood when she came out of her room. She was miserable and tired, but thankfully she drank the coffee I brewed for her instead of pour herself an alcoholic beverage. I had to remind her of the dinner we were having with Harry the next evening and she groaned about it, wanting to take it back.

And despite the fact I would do just about anything to not have this dinner happen, I know that Harry has to get something for his report. Otherwise, I would gladly let her take it back.

I pre-made a casserole and put it in the fridge last night, and I can only hope that Mom has put it in the oven by now. That's her one job — other than to not drink.  And every fiber of my being is hoping that she doesn't mess it up. 

Good God, I hope she isn't drunk.

"Are you alright?" Kate asks. "You look like you're going to be sick." She rummages through her locker and shoves a textbook into her backpack.

"Harry's coming for dinner at my house tonight for that report in English," I groan. "I wish it was over."

She stares at me with her big brown eyes before looking across the hall where Maddy is leaning against a locker and laughing with Niall next to Harry. "Do you want me to come with you?" she asks. "I heard what happened Saturday night. Rude, what Harry did to Maddy. Although, I don't really approve of what Niall did to you either. I really thought he liked you. Anyways, I can come so it's not so awkward with Harry just there with you and your mom — if you want."

The last thing I want is another witness of my mother's unknowing behavior, and although Harry and I are in a really weird place at the moment, it's not him I'm worried about. But she can think what she wants. "No, it'll be fine, I think," I tell her. "But thanks."

"Ready to go?" Harry asks, as he approaches us. 

It's the strangest feeling, knowing that we are able to leave together and it not be a secret. And with the way he's looking at me with a smile on his face, with a confidence about him, it seems like he's taking advantage of this one chance we'll ever have to be seen together leaving school, just the two of us.

"Ready as I'll ever be, I guess," I sigh, as I put my backpack on my back. I turn to say goodbye to Kate, when she rests her hand on my shoulder to stop me from going anywhere.

"Hey, I just wanted you to know I don't like how shit went down with Maddy," she tells me. "I think what she said about you, is wrong, and you should know it isn't true. Don't believe her."

"Yeah, it's okay," I shrug. "It is what it is with her."

"She chooses boys and popularity over anything," she says. "But remember what she said is all lies, okay?"

"It's fine, Kate."

"It isn't fine, Jayde," she sighs. "I just want to make sure you're alright, and I want you to know that I don't agree with her."

"I know you don't," I smile. "You don't need to remind me, Kate. I know you're a good friend."

She breathes out a sigh of relief and Harry and I say goodbye to her and walk down the hall side by side, without looking back. I can feel people's eyes on us and the hallway seems longer than any other time I had walked down it, as I keep my eyes on the floor in front of me.

It's the first time we'll be together alone since Saturday night when I pushed him away from kissing me and I told him I was mad at him. Before I left his house yesterday, we let Anne do all the talking. It was awkward and the only time he talked to me, was to ask if I wanted him to walk me home, to which I declined. And here we are, going into unknown territory together with my mother, unsure of where we stand with each other.

This is going to be the best evening of my life.

Harry and I don't say anything as we walk through the parking lot. The silence resumes as we get into his car and he drives away from school. I'm tired of the only sound around us, being the sound of my long drawn out sighs and I hate that we seem to be hitting every red light, finally allowing myself to turn from looking out the window, to turn the radio on.

"Are we good?" Harry asks, making me look over at him and take my hand away from the dial without having turned on the radio. "This silence is awkward."

"It never was before," I respond quietly, sitting back and crossing my arms as I look back out the window.

"Okay — " he draws out with annoyance. "You're right, silence used to be our thing. But it isn't anymore, and I don't like it. So — we aren't good, then?"

"You're not getting sex, if that's what you mean," I tell him.

"Bloody hell," he spits. "That's not what I mean, Jayde. Just fucking tell me what I did now. No reason to shut me out when you can just tell me. You usually yell at me for everything. Why not add another fight to the list of ones we've already had?"

"I shouldn't have to tell you I want an apology," I scream back. "I don't want to tell you that you hurt my feelings and I want you to say that you're sorry."

"Say sorry for what?" he asks, furrowing his eyebrows. "What do you want an apology for?"

"You think I don't have any feelings," I yell. "You think you can just say whatever you want to me and it's okay. Just because feelings aren't something we feel for each other, doesn't mean your words don't hurt, Harry."

"You're still thinking about Saturday?" he asks, turning down my street. "You know I didn't mean that. I was mad about Niall."

"Think before you speak, Harry," I tell him. "Words — hurt! You say you didn't mean it but that's clearly how you feel. You think I'm fucking easy. That I'm so desperate for affection, I'd give myself to anyone who would have me. I'm not like every other girl in this fucking town. Why do you think I wanted it to be just me and you in the first place?"

He stares at me now that he's parked in my drive way, as my chest moves up and down in anger from all the yelling I've just done. I look out the window to see my worn out old house and I feel the urge to run away from everything in this moment.

I don't want to go in there in the middle of a fight with Harry. I need him on my side right now. I don't know what we're going to be walking into, and if my mother acts at all like I think she will, if Harry goes in there mad at me, it's just going to make this dinner even worse than I have been anticipating.

"You're right," he finally says. "I'm sorry. I should have apologized sooner for it. But I was so mad you were going out with him and didn't listen to me. Ya know, I think I deserve an apology too. I was right, after all, wasn't I?"

I turn to look at him and raise my eyebrows. Although I had to tell him I wanted him to say he was sorry, he did sound pretty sincere when he said it. And he does have a point. I should have listened to him.

"And for the record," he adds. "I don't really think you're easy. It makes me wonder why you were with me, but I think it has something to do with being desperate for affection." He smiles when he sees my jaw drop and shakes his head at me. "It's okay to be. I think everyone is, in a way. Nothing wrong with it."

I look away from him towards my house and back to him after a long silence. "I'm sorry too," I finally tell him. "I should have listened. I shouldn't have went out with Niall. Next time I'll believe you."

"Next time?" he asks. "There better not be a next time."

"Should we get this dinner over with?" I ask. "And don't be surprised if I ask you to lie in your report, after this."

"I'm sure I won't have to lie, Jayde."

"Please don't underestimate me when I tell you my mother is a real piece of work." I roll my eyes, grabbing my backpack from the back seat. "That's a warning, so be prepared."

I get out of the car followed by Harry. He stands next to me at the bottom of my embarrassing porch steps and looks at me as I let out a long breath. It doesn't surprise me how calm he looks in this moment. How he has a slight smile on his face that tells me this is going to be alright. I wish I could feel the same. I wish I could see into the near future and know what's going to happen, to know if we should avoid this altogether, or if I'm worried for no reason. Unfortunately, I don't have that ability, and walking into unknown territory is how it's going to have to be.

"It's going to be fine, Jayde," he smiles. "The important thing is, is that we're together. I'm right beside you. There's nothing to worry about."

I want to tell him I'm not afraid of her. I'm afraid for him to see what she's like. For him to see who I got stuck with as a mother. An alcoholic bitch who is the complete opposite of his mom. He's got warm. I got cold. I don't think he understands, and I'm hoping that he won't have to.

He grabs hold of my hand, intertwining our fingers together, making me squeeze his hand tightly as we walk up the steps to the porch. Before opening the door, I close my eyes and let out a long breath of air and tell myself it's going to be fine, just like Harry said.

Mom is standing in the kitchen as we walk in. She turns and smiles seeing us stand in the living room doorway, fixing her hair nervously, followed by her dress. Her blond hair is straightened and neatly curled at the bottoms, make up done precisely as it was the day Dad gave me a huge bruise on my hip. The attempt is clear, making me feel a little better about everything.

Harry and I walk further into the house together, the three of us staring at each other. It's so quiet, it's as if I can hear all of our heart's beating rapidly at the same time. The nervous tension fueling the air. 

"Mom, this is Harry," I tell her, as we all meet in the middle of the room. "Harry, this is my Mom, Sasha." I watch as Harry shakes her hand and Mom's cheeks turn pink as she smiles at him.

"It's nice to meet you," Harry tells her.

"Jayde," she says, turning to me. "You should have told me how handsome Harry is. I would have worn a better dress."

"Mom!" I scold. Never in my life would I have ever thought she would say such a thing. My cheeks start to heat up in embarrassment, and it makes me feel sick. Although I should be happy that she isn't drunk. I couldn't imagine what she would have said if she was.

A ding coming from the kitchen interrupts our small introduction, making Mom turn to walk away from us. "I put the casserole in a little early," she tells us. "Dinner is ready. I thought we could eat as soon as you got here."

Dinner is going smoother than I thought it would. Mom tried to hide herself in the kitchen beforehand, pouring herself vodka on the rocks, obviously trying to hide it from Harry and I that she was going to drink more than just water. It's taking everything in me not to tell her off for it, but I don't want to start an argument. 

The conversation is few and far between. Silence fills the room, making me jump every time someone says anything. The sound of forks against plates seemingly louder than it should be.

"So, Harry," Mom says after a long silence. "Where are you going to college?"

"Oh," Harry answers, wiping his mouth with his napkin. "I got into a few schools, but I think I'm going to go to Columbia."

"Wow, fancy school," Mom smiles. She picks her glass up and swishes her drink around. "Jayde couldn't get into a school like that, even if she tried."

"Actually — " Harry starts. I kick him under the table and shake my head at him. He stares back at me confused and all I hope is that he can hear my thoughts, screaming at him to not talk about me with my Mother. "Actually, Jayde is very smart. She got into Columbia as well," he says looking back to my Mom and smiling.

Apparently he can't hear inside of my head. Dammit!

"Do you have a girlfriend, Harry?" she asks, pushing her plate away and leaning on the table as she stares at him.

"No, I don't," he answers.

"You should get one," she says. "So you can talk her up to that girl's Mom. Too bad you can't get a guy like Harry, Jayde. He's a good guy." She takes a swig of her drink, downing the rest in the glass and leaning back in her chair.

By this point, my jaw feels like it's stuck on the table in front of me. Things were going so well, and then she had to speak. She had to ruin it. She had to show her true colors, and although it could be much worse, I still despise that's she has said anything.

"Why do you think Jayde couldn't get a guy like me?" Harry asks. His eyebrows are furrowed as he stares at my Mom and I can't see this going anywhere good.

Mom laughs before she looks back at Harry. "Jayde is stuck on the boy next door," she tells him. "Who by the way, was smart enough to get rid of her after all those years. Carter isn't coming back to you, darling."

"I'm not stuck on Carter," I tell her. "I know he isn't coming back."

"You still couldn't get a nice boy like Harry," she laughs again.

"You're wrong," Harry says loudly, standing from the table.

What is he doing? Sit the fuck back down and shut up, Harry. Please!

"I happen to like your daughter very much," he says. "I find you appalling to be honest. Saying this shit about her. She is smart. She's beautiful and she's exactly the kind of girl I want to be with. The sad thing is, is that you don't think that. How can you not think that about the girl sitting at this table? Look at her!"

"Harry!" I yell. "Please don't!"

"Look at her!" Harry says, not listening to me. He keeps his eyes locked with my Mom's, waiting for her to look at me. "Tell her you don't mean what you just said. Tell her how you really feel. Because I can't, for one second, believe you think such shit about your own daughter!"

When Mom finally looks at me, my eyes meet hers slowly. They are glossed over with tears, probably making her vision of me blurry, not letting them fall. Silence fills the room once more as we wait for her to talk. My heart races faster than ever, waiting to hear what she has to say, now that she's been yelled at by Harry.

"You are beautiful," she finally says, quietly, blinking and letting a few tears falls from her eyes. "You are very smart. And I'm happy you got into Columbia. I'm sorry I can be such a bitch. I'm just trying to make you strong, because the world isn't a nice place. You get stuck with men like your father, and you must be strong."

"Fuck you," I scream, standing from the table. "You think putting me down makes me strong? You think I would allow myself to get with someone like Dad? You're living in the wrong world. Thank you for this dinner, Mom. Thank you for giving Harry something to write in his report. You couldn't just be genuine for one fucking hour. It's pathetic."

Harry drags me away from the table. My blood is boiling and my heart pounding harder than it feels like it should. He pulls me outside on the porch and slams the door behind us.

Silence falls around us as he sits next to me on the steps. I can feel his arm wrap around my shoulders as I put my face in my hands. I knew I had a reason to be nervous for this dinner. I knew she would say something that I wished she wouldn't. And surprisingly, Harry made her cry.

Didn't see that coming...

I can't believe Harry yelled at her. I can't believe he made her cry. I can't believe —

Wait. Did he —? He didn't? Did he —?

I sit up straight and look at him, to see he's already looking at me. "Did you mean what you said?" I ask. "When you said you like me?"

He lets out a breathy laugh and nods his head. "Yeah."

"No."

"What?" 

"You can't, Harry."

"Why not?"

I walk down the few steps, unable to stop myself from groaning out loud before turning back to look at him. "We can't do this anymore if you do. It complicates things."

"For you or me?" he asks. "Because I'm okay with doing what we're doing still. Trust me."

I can't help but pace back and forth in front of him, where he's still sitting on the steps. I don't know what to think now, or what I should do. Whether or not he doesn't think it'll complicate things, feelings involved makes it complicated. This wasn't meant to happen.

"You're not seriously thinking this changes anything, right?" he questions, finally standing up. "It doesn't change anything, Jayde."

"I'm gonna need some time to think about it."

A/N: Because I made you wait so long for a chapter, I decided to give you a longer one! I really hope it was worth it, and I do apologize for making you wait so long this time.

 I just want to give you a heads up, I won't be able to write for a while now. I leave in 4 days for New York and I will be there for 5 days, and I won't be taking the time while I'm there, to write. So, to the wait for the next chapter will be longer.

And, if you're on twitter, go follow @ infinityforxmas . A few friends and I have a great project going on. So come and get involved!

Much love to you!
xo