"We all need someone who will sit with us in silence when the words don't work. And maybe the perfect person to do that with, is him. Because he didn't ask questions or want me to talk, but I could tell with just his presence, that somehow he cared enough to know that silence was what I needed, and to have him there meant something. As if he understood all the words I couldn't speak. And him being next to me meant more than anything. Surrounded by the darkness and shadows cast over by the moon. The twinkle of the stars. Him and me. And the galaxy—in silence.

I have realized it's like this—You know when you're driving in the pouring rain, and you drive under a bridge and it all just stops? Everything goes silent and it's almost tranquil. Then you drive out from under the bridge back out into the rain, and everything hits you harder than ever before. He is my bridge. He is the moment of tranquility. The moment I get to feel bliss. Serenity. And when he's gone, and when it's over, everything else is overwhelmingly consuming.

I have learned that all I want is to be okay. I don't wish for fantastic or marvelous or outstanding. I will simply settle for okay, because most of the time, okay is enough. 

The hardest part about that though, is that okay isn't enough for him. And I know, with everything I am, I will never be enough for him, because I'm not even okay in the slightest.

And maybe it's just that I want to know that I'm enough for someone. Maybe it doesn't matter if I'm not enough for him, as long as one day I'll be enough for somebody. Because I know that if I find someone who will let me tear down my walls, no matter how slowly it happens, my okay will equal theirs, and we will be perfectly enough for each other.

Girl_Disconnected"

I'm leaning against a tree with a beer in my hand, watching the cast of the musical mingle around the fire before they disperse through the few trees to the rest of Niall's backyard. I haven't taken a sip from the bottle I hold, very aware that the state I've been in the last few days would make drinking an even worse idea, knowing it's taken every ounce of energy just to hold it together. Even though being with Harry last night gave me the deepest escape I could have ever asked for, he was gone before I woke up this morning, leaving me surrounded with reality the second I opened my eyes.

This time it hit me harder than I ever could have anticipated. I sometimes get the idea that there's more to it than just sex, and after last night, with him asking if he could stay, I thought there was. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was just a moment of weakness on his part, giving me reason to believe he needed me for something more, and once again, I'm seeing it all with the wrong perception.

I know that I like commitment. I have always been a commitment type girl, which is why Carter was always it for me. He gave me that commitment I needed and I didn't have to look elsewhere. And I know that's why I needed Harry to tell me he wouldn't go anywhere else for sex. The reason I had to be the only one. I needed him to be committed to me, without realizing that's what I was asking for.

But being observant has allowed me to see for years, that he isn't the committed type. And as I stand here watching him from afar, as he drinks his beer and laughs with everyone around him, I wonder how I could have done that to him. I know now that me wanting him is not enough for him. And the fact that I'm giving him all I'm capable of and it's still not enough, says everything.

There are parts of me screaming inside as I decide what I have to do. If I'm not enough, he should be able to venture away from me with whomever he pleases. After all, I am not his girlfriend, and he doesn't owe me any type of commitment, especially when I know other girls want him too.

I've liked that over the last five weeks, he has been mine and mine alone, but he should be able to find someone who is enough for him. Someone who makes him complete. And if I keep the rules set the way they are, he could be losing out on something much greater than what we have together.

I watch as Niall gets up from the log as a few other people walk through the trees to his backyard to sit elsewhere. He's walking in my direction with his eyes set on me and a smile on his face. "Want another beer?" he asks as he approaches me.

Knowing I haven't drank any of the one in my hand, I decline politely and take a small sip.

"You should come and join us," he tells me, taking my hand. He pulls me toward the fire to sit on the log next to him, as he hands me a metal stick and proceeds to put a marshmallow on the end of it for me. "My parents buy crazy amounts of these things hoping we'll roast them instead of drink," he laughs. "And they still buy all the beer for my parties. Parents are really stupid sometimes."

I smile in agreement. "You're telling me."

Rachel and Chelsea dance through the trees with their arms linked together, giggling. It's clear that they're already drunk as they try to keep each other from falling over as they sing You're the One that I Want from Grease, in celebration of finishing up with the musical tonight and putting on a good show.

Chelsea looks over at Niall and I and tilts her head. "Awww, look at how cute you are together!" she gushes. She takes her phone out of her back pocket and asks us to smile as she points it at us.

Without hesitation, Niall wraps his arm around my shoulder and I smile with him. Not because I need to stay off their radar, but because Niall is actually a nice guy and at the moment, I need to remember that aside from most of the people around me right now, he actually seems to be one of the good ones. One of those people who would actually be legitimately nice behind my back, unlike everyone else.

Niall's arm doesn't leave my shoulder after the camera is gone and I can feel Harry's eyes on us from across the fire. It feels like deja vu from the first night we got together, being in the exact same place as we were then, except the circumstances are much different this time around and so much has changed since then.

I pull my stick out from the fire when I realize my marshmallow is flaming, making Niall laugh and pull it towards him to blow on it to put out the small fire. "Thanks," I tell him, giving him a smile.

"Hey, so did you and Carter ever figure things out?" he asks, quietly. "He asked if he could come to the party, but I told him not to because it was for the musical kids only. I just wasn't sure if you guys had made up yet or not."

"No, we haven't talked yet," I tell him. "It's alright though."

"I'm still really sorry."

"It wasn't your fault," I remind him, as I watch him take a swig of his beer. "I didn't know he would be like that. It's fine. I'm sure we'll work it out eventually. We always do."

"I thought you might have talked already," he tells me. "He apologized to me for it yestrerday, and said that if I wanted to date you, he had no problem with it."

"Well, as nice as that was of him, I don't really think it's up to him." I take the marshmallow off the stick and stuff the entire thing in my mouth, moaning with the heavenly deliciousness my taste buds are enjoying. "Oh wow, this is good," I mumble, my mouth full of marshmallow.

Niall lets out a breathy laughs as he looks at me. "You have—just a little—" He brings his hand up to my face, swiping his thumb gently over the side of my mouth, before putting his thumb in his mouth and sucking the marshmallow off of it.

His actions make me look over at Harry, to see that he is leaning his elbows on his knees, staring at us with his beer bottle clasped between both of his hands. I wish that he wouldn't do this right now, despite the fact Maddy and Kate are engaged in their own blowout conversation on the other side of him, laughing hysterically and seemingly not paying attention to him or anything else but each other right now.

"I'm going to use the washroom," I tell Niall as I stand up from the log. Unsure as to how I feel about what Niall just did, I feel the need to leave the situation before anything awkward happens.

"Hey, don't forget this," Niall says, picking my beer up off the ground and holding it out for me. "And make sure you get another one on your way back. The cooler's by the hot tub."

"Trying to get me drunk?" I ask, taking the beer from him.

"It's a party, right?"

Maddy and Kate get up from the log as I walk passed them and follow me. "Did I hear you're going to the bathroom? Because I need to pee too!" Kate laughs.

We walk through the trees, taking us into Niall's backyard. Charlie, Liam and Louis are sitting in the hot tub and a few people are playing a drinking game at the table nearby. Niall's house is one of the biggest on the street, and I've never been inside of it before.

I follow Maddy and Kate in the back door, entering into the kitchen, which is bigger than the entire first floor of my house, and walk down the long hallway, passing who I'm guessing are his parents sitting in the living room watching television. Everything looks expensive, and I wonder what it would be like to live this extravagantly.

Maddy goes into the bathroom first, leaving me in the hallway with Kate. "You and Niall seem to be getting cuddly and stuff," she says, leaning her body back against the wall. "Think you guys are gonna—"

"No," I interrupt her. 

"Why not?" she asks. "Pretty sure he likes you, and you haven't had a boyfriend for a year."

"So?"

"So, he's a nice guy, Jayde." She crosses her arms and stares at me. "Look, I know that you thought you and Carter would get back together, but maybe it's time you get back out there."

"Well, what about you?" I retort. "You haven't had a boyfriend since Collin moved away."

"I'm on my way to Cal State," she huffs. "Like I want to waste my time dating these idiots."

"I don't want any of those idiots, either," I tell her, as Maddy walks out of the bathroom.

Kate walks in and closes the door as Maddy looks at me. "Hey, Kate is sleeping over tonight," she tells me. "You can too if you want."

"Nah, I think I'm gonna leave soon, but thanks for the invite."

"Why? You just got here. The party hasn't even started yet," she says, making me shrug my shoulders. "We still have drinking games to play and we're probably going to get in the hot tub after. It's going to be fun. You're here. Might as well make the most of it!"

"I might stay for a while, but I don't really want to drink that much," I tell her.

Kate comes out of the bathroom, running her hand through her hair. "I feel like playing some drinking games," she smiles. "Let's go round up some people!"

I watch as Kate and Maddy walk down the hallway clinging arms as I walk into the bathroom. I don't even have to go, and I find myself leaning against the door, peering around the room that is far too big to be a bathroom. I allow myself to take a breather for a few minutes before leaving again.

As I walk down the hallway, I can hear Harry's voice, and as I walk passed the living room, I see that he is sitting on the couch in between Niall's parents. The three of them look over at me as I walk passed the doorway slowly.

"It was nice to see you," I hear Harry say and a few moments later, he's behind me and takes my hand in his, intertwining our fingers together to pull me back down the hallway in the direction of the bathroom I just came from.

I think he's going to lock us in the bathroom together, but instead he pulls me past the door and turns down another hallway until we reach the front doorway, which is even more extravagant than the rest of the house, with a hanging chandelier, antique benches and mirrors. He opens the front door and we step outside together, where he sits down on the front steps, and I take a seat next to him.

"Hi," he smiles, leaning in closer to me. I know that he is going to kiss me, and I know that now that I have him alone, it would be a good time to talk about what I had been thinking earlier.

"I actually wanted to talk to you," I tell him. My heart starts to race as he looks at me, moving back a few inches. He keeps his hand in mine resting on my lap, as his eyes flick back and forth between mine as silence falls upon us as I try to think of how I want to say what needs to be said. "I want to take away the rules," I finally say.

"What?"

"The rules—they don't apply anymore," I continue. "You're free to sleep with whoever you want to, or do whatever."

"What?" He takes his hand out of mine and stands up to stand on the sidewalk in front of me. "Why? Because you want to sleep with someone else?"

"No."

"Right," he says, running his hand through his hair. "Let me guess, you're gonna go for Niall."

"No."

"I'm not an idiot, Jayde," he says raising his voice. "I have eyes. I can see what's going on."

"This has nothing to do with him!" I stand up to stand on the sidewalk with him. "I'm just saying it was unfair of me to ask you not to sleep with anyone else. You're free to do whatever—whoever—you want."

"Just so you can?"

I don't know how to take his attitude right now. His reaction isn't what I was expecting. I thought it would be easier to have this conversation, but he actually seems mad about all of this. I know my decision was the right thing to do, and I'm not going to tell him I take it back now.

He moves to stand in front of me, leaving no space between us, as he looks down at me. "Is that what you really want?" he asks quietly, letting out a long breath. "You don't want it to just be me and you?"

I feel something inside of me break with the way he looks at me and how he asks. A part of me wants to tell him I only want it to be me and him, but I've been selfish and I don't want to be—for his sake.

"That's how I want it to be," I say. "No rules."

He steps away from me, nodding his head as he looks at me. "Okay then." I watch as he walks up the steps to the house and stands there with his hand on the doorknob. "Have fun with Niall."

He doesn't look back at me when he says it and he's gone before I can say anything else, letting the door slam behind him. I sit back on the stairs to look up at the stars. I don't feel better like I thought I would, and the feeling that I might have just lost him starts to take over.

When you have never been in a situation such as this, it's hard to tell what's right and what's wrong. Maybe it was wrong of me to set rules in the beginning. But I didn't have a clue as to who he was, and I still don't really know now, leaving me unsure of just about everything.

I stand up on the steps and take a deep breath, knowing I have to go back to the party, even though I don't want to.

**

"Jayde! Come on," Maddy begs. "Just play! Lighten up and get drunk!"

"I'm good," I tell her. "I'm having fun watching."

The last hour I have watched everyone bounce caps across the table to try and get them into cups, and as the minutes passed, it was clear to me how much drunker they were getting. They got more rowdier, more touchy with each other, and I know it's almost time for me to go home, as I hear some of them decide to get in the hot tub, and the group starts to disperse.

Niall starts to walk over to me, where I'm sitting on the edge of the picnic table. "You gonna come for a dip?" he asks.

"Uh, no," I answer. He stands between my legs, making me lean back on my hands. "I didn't bring my bathing suit."

"Who said you need a bathing suit?" he laughs.

I turn to see Maddy and Kate standing in front of the hot tub, stripping down to their undergarments and giggling as they throw their shirts to the ground, and instantly, my eyes find Harry, who is gawking at Maddy with wide eyes. He chugs the beer in his hand before he steps out of his pants, and grabs another beer from the cooler as he pulls his shirt over his head.

"Yeah, I think I'm going to go home," I tell him. "I'm not drunk and I don't feel comfortable stripping down to my undies."

"You want me to walk you home?" he asks. 

I smile at him, knowing that his question is genuine. I don't think for a second, he'd try to ask if he could come in with me or anything. "I'm good. It's just a short walk. But thanks. You go have fun at your party."

**

It's been almost two hours since I got home from the party, and as I sit on the roof outside my window, I wonder what they're all doing. I wonder if Harry would give in to the idea of no rules anymore. If Maddy got what she wanted. If she would be the one that Harry would go to, or if he would finally give in to Rachel. I don't want to think that he would go to anyone right now, but I gave him that option willingly and I don't have a say in what he does.

I know that I'm just going to have to live with the way it is. He is still enough for me, if he decides to still come around. At the moment though, I guess I don't really know what's going to happen with us. All I know, is that I want him to find something that is enough for him. Whether it be someone else altogether, or if I have to share him.

I start to crawl back through my window to get ready for bed, when my phone starts to ring. Confusion sets in when I see Kate's name across the screen.

"Um, Jayde, I think you need to come back to the party," Kate says when I answer, panic written in her voice.

"Why?" I ask.

"Just get here, please!"

A/N: What's going to happen?

Thoughts?

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