Leave Out All the Rest

Chapter 28: The Pressure of the Moon

POV: Emily

My Emily,

I'm sorry I have neglected to write you for more than a week now. Unfortunately this blasted illness has kept me bedridden under Healer's orders and my mother is obeying it like it's law, so that means I'm not allowed to do anything but sleep or homework. 

Illness or no illness, I have craved your company. Don't forget that.

I'll see you soon, I promise.

Lance. 

I stuffed the letter into my schoolbag as I looked up at the moon. I felt the pressure of both, pushing me down into the ground, trapping me there. Everything Scorpius had said about Lance Greyback came tumbling into my head, confusing the already messed up train of thought in there. I did not miss Lance, not in any way that could be deemed romantic; I just missed the break from reality he was. There were no appearances to keep up. I never had to say anything. I never had to be anyone.

Maybe there was something cryptic about that, but I was no one to judge.

"Oi, Taylor!" Approaching me as I now turned to gather the remaining of my belongings was Lysander Scamander. He already had a helping smile on his face as he asked, "Need some assistance there?"

The rest of Astronomy class had dispersed, hurrying back to the castle to get away from the cold, sharp wind of this bitter night. Of course I would be the last one, too caught up in my own world, and of course Lysander would be the one to linger back, trying to reel me back in to the present.

"I've got it," I said to him, "but thanks."

His blue eyes were especially bright despite the darkness overhead. "I don't think you do," he said with a tilt of his head.

"Meaning?" I returned with a raised brow as I carefully tightened the lid of my ink bottle before tossing it inside my bag. "I know it's a mess, but I'll get around to fixing it," I added a laugh, "Rose inspects our schoolbags every weekend, you know. 'An organized person makes for an organized brain' she always says."

Lysander kept his smile as he looked down at my crumbled parchment, but still said, "Everything about you is a mess. And as every day passes you lose more of yourself in that head of yours."

I froze just as I was about to secure the strap of my schoolbag.

He knows, that voice screeched in my ear, unsettling my bones. 

"At first I just thought the Wrackspruts were messing with your head, but it's you that's messing with it." The smile slowly faded from his lips. "Mum noticed it one day. She saw you talking to Mrs. Potter at the platform, the day we were coming back from holidays. She said you carried too much on your shoulders. It reminded her of Dad, right before he died."

Tell him, that voice continued, tell him the truth. Tell him what you want.

I swallowed the knot that had formed in my throat, forcing out that carefree pitch that made people look away and forget what they saw in me. "I just have one of those faces, you know? I always look upset, but I promise I'm not," I finished with another laugh.

Nice try, idiot.

"I'm a lover of life, Em," he said, his brow now raised at me. "I love being around people who are passionate about every single day, even if it hasn't gone their way, because they have dreams, because they want to make everything count. Mum says I got that from Dad. And I figured as much, seeing as he died doing what he loved."

The knot in my throat got thicker. I felt my breath hitch.

Please don't.

"Dad was a naturalist," Lysander continued, "just like Mum. He explored what most people wouldn't dare to explore, discovering new and impossible things. It was tragic,  his death, but Mum and Dean helped Lorcan and me through it. But even through it, Emily, I never stopped loving life." His smile was completely gone now, a serious glint darkening his eyes as he then said, "I can't stand being close to you anymore."

That makes another one. Welcome to the list.

"I know we aren't best friends, but we get on well, don't we? We sit together in most lessons, we even decided to join this Astronomy club together because we read that silly Astrology magazine, remember? And it had nothing to do with the class and we were stuck writing essays on the orbit of moons, not on Zodiac signs, but we stayed because we were doing it together. We had a good laugh through it, but now...You're fading."

Decaying, corrected the voice.

"You had a flicker of life in you before, it interested me, no matter how faint it was because I knew you wanted to fan it, you wanted it to grow. But you don't anymore. You lost it."

You let it die. You let everything die.

Lysander's words felt like a slap to the face. I wanted to find the reason for his cruelty behind those blue eyes of his, but I could not find it. Venom did not exist because Lysander Scamander was a good person. He was saying this from a place that was concerned for me.

"I can't," I wheezed out, unsure how those words slipped out. "I don't want...I don't want them to take back what they've given me."

"They're not taking it back," he said to me as he reached out to take my left hand. "You're the one who's giving it back. You're isolating yourself when all they want to do is be there for you."

"I'm saving them," I muttered back.

I'm saving them from me.

"That's not your choice to make," he said before nudging his head, directing me to something behind me. He squeezed my fingers once as he placed a kiss on my forehead, surprising me. "I'll save you some pudding like always."

I turned to where he had indicated. On the hill that overlooked the Black Lake was someone who deserved my honesty. 

He was sat silent and rigid, the ruby-red lining of his robes was vivid against the dark of the night. His brown eyes were lost on the lake, but I knew they were searching for something beyond the water and the trees. 

He was looking for a home that would no longer exist.

"Liam," I murmured as I joined his side. He did not move. "I'm so sorry. I really, really—"

"Please don't, Em," he mumbled with a slump of his shoulders. "Don't be sorry for me, please. That's all people are nowadays. I can't handle any more."

I gripped the grass at my sides like a lifeline. I felt a tidal wave of pain flood my chest.

"Nia and Lily are getting along," I tried to say, to distract me from what was coming. "Well, I wouldn't say getting along, just not fighting."

"Nia kicked Lily out of my dormitory today," he then said. "There was some hair pulling, but Nia won. She laid with me, held me until I fell asleep. She was gone when I woke up, though. I think it's her version of giving me space. Nia isn't good at it, but she's the only one trying."

Oh.

I cleared my throat. "Okay, I'll just go."

Liam turned to look at me. The emptiness in his otherwise kind gaze broke my heart. "I don't want you to leave, Em," he clarified. "I just don't want to hear that you're sorry. Because everyone is sorry, but no one knows how I feel."

But I know. I know, Liam. I know.

"Do you?" he asked almost harshly. I was unaware I had said anything at all. I couldn't make sense of anything but the sharp pain crushing at my heart again. 

Run, Emily, run, the voice inside my head told me. Run before you regret it. Run before you hurt him. Run before you hurt yourself. Run, run.

The voices in my head were screaming at me now, they were ordering in harsh and rude words to get up from my place on the grass and leave Liam on his own. I couldn't be around him, they told me, and his pain is too much for me. If I continued to look into his eyes I was going to regret it, I was going to think back to things that were better left buried.

"There's something I've never told anyone," the sentence came out like an act of rebellion, shushing the voices in my mind. "I...I can't say it...but I want you to know."

I almost saw curiosity on his face.

I removed my schoolbag from my shoulder, bringing it to my lap so I could take out a useless scrap of paper and the pen Hermione had given me for Christmas. Once I had those two in my hand, I felt my body turn cold. 

It was now or never.

My fingers shook as I wrote words I never wanted to see or hear in my life ever again. 

The voices in my head shouted louder, harsher words in my own tenor clawing at my ears. But I had to do this. For Liam.

"Read," I said through the knot in my throat, "but only to yourself."

Scanning the paper for what had to be the longest, yet the quickest, second on the planet, Liam turned to me. Those lifeless and in agony eyes were drenched in confusion, open wide with a thousand questions running by them. 

"When?"

"So long ago," I whispered, clutching harder to the grass now. 

"Why didn't you say anything?" he accused. "We're your friends, Emily."

Because you would leave me sooner. Because you would never look at me the same.

"You can't tell anyone," I told him, but a plea underlined my words. "Promise me. Promise me you won't tell anyone, Liam."

The outrage that was in his eyes became hurt confusion. "Em—"

"Promise," I said louder.

He clutched the paper in his fist, balling it up. "I won't," he murmured, his free hand reaching out for mine. I released the grass under his hand. "But you have to let us in one day."

I laughed. 

You come in and you die. That is my curse.

"I love you, Liam," I said to him, tears in my eyes. "I won't tell you that I'm sorry, then, only that one day the pain will dull. It will never be easy, but you'll be able to breathe again."

"Can you breathe from your pain?" he questioned.

Not after what I've done.

"You will," I told him. Then, without missing a beat I added, "Head to bed. Filch gives a month of detention to students who are not in Astronomy. You don't need that right now."

He looked over my shoulder with a humorless huff. "I'm not that only one out of bounds, it seems." Before I could turn to look where he pointed, alike Lysander had done, Liam pressed a kiss on my head before standing.

"Oi! Stop kissing other girls or I'll let Lily hex you, Greengrass!" James' voice echoed through the trees as Liam walked off. 

My body tensed as he came over to me. "James," I sighed, "you're not supposed to be here."

"Can't a bloke take a night stroll?" he said with a scoff as he took a seat in front of me. 

The lake, the trees, and the moon disappeared. All there was was him: his messy hair, his big, hazel eyes, and that crooked, charming grin. 

"James—"

"Okay, fine," he interrupted me, "I came to find you."

"Why?"

"Well, it is past midnight. That's reason enough," he said in a way that suggested his motive had been plainly obvious from the beginning. "I can't let you walk back to Gryffindor Tower alone, can I? You don't know what kinds of monsters lurk in the darkness."

"I've had Astronomy all year, James, and nothing has happened to me," I told him with an ounce of annoyance, but there was still a smile on my lips. Recently all I could muster was frustration around him, but there were so many times before that all I had to give was smiles and laughter when James was around.

Because you put your demons to sleep. Now we are awake, reminded the voice. 

I cringed at the thought, but found myself saying, "Be honest with me, you come out at night to confess your love to Filch, don't you?"

"It's a bloody shame no one's told you you're not very funny, Taylor," James said words he always did when I tried to joke at his expense, but this time, unlike all the other times when we roared with laughter, he was not amused. There was not beautiful glimmer in his hazel eyes, only dark shades of something I have been refusing to uncover.

"It's late, I better—"

"Do you love him?" James asked, cutting through my attempt to stand from the grass and head back to the castle, to take shelter in my dormitory away from him. 

My lips pressed into a tight line.

"I've been trying to work it out for weeks now, why someone like you could be dating someone like Greyback. Let's say I'm wrong, let's say he isn't a demented werewolf alike his father, he is still a foul little twat. Yeah, I ran into him once or twice in my years here, but I've done my research. Typical Slytherin, arrogant and bullying. He's everything you're not."

"Enough, James," I sighed, no more smile on my lips. "You don't know him."

"Do you know him?" he retaliated.  "Because I know you, Taylor."

"You don't—"

"I know you're troubled," James cut me off again, determination in his eyes as his voice got louder, as he sat up taller on his knees. "I know there's something horrible you don't want to share, and while I don't understand why you keep it from me, I can see it hasn't turned you bitter. You love so much. You care so much. Your eyes are always on us, watching and making sure we are okay, even if it's just a dreary Monday afternoon. You're the first one to react to a papercut like it's Sectumsempra. You're the first one to send out birthday greetings. You're the first one to hug us in the morning. You save your pudding for Artie, even though he eats everyone else's, you braid Lily's hair when she misses Mum, you paint with Freddie and let him teach you a skill none of us knew he was good at, you run with Harper in the freezing mornings because you know she will over exert herself, that lunatic, you let Roxy use you as her model for all the clothes she makes because everyone else is annoyed at getting pin-pricked, and you took an Unforgiveable for me when you were eleven. I know you, Emily. For fuck sakes, I know you."

Tears blurred his face. I could only hold my breath when he reached out to grab my hand. 

"I love—"

"No," I cried, the sob shaking my shoulders as it was my turn to cut across him. "Please don't say it."

"But it's the truth," he murmured.

I blinked tears away. "You want to know why Lance Greyback?" I murmured back, looking into his eyes for a moment before having to look away, turning my attention to the moon overhead. "Because I can't ruin him. He doesn't need to know me more than what I want to share. He doesn't need to care for me more than he should."

"Because he's trying to eat you," James sighed. "No one asks their food if they're doing okay, they just eat it."

I couldn't help it, I laughed. I laughed and dripped more tears.

I never thought too much about James because I did not want to let the voices inside my head tear him to shreds. I wanted to protect him from that. I wanted to protect every moment we shared from being devoured by my darkness. I wanted to keep James in the light because he is light. He is the sun. 

Unfortunately, I am not promised days in paradise. I know cold nights. I deserve cold, freezing nights. He doesn't.

"I just want you to be happy, James," I whispered to him, squeezing his hand back, "but I don't think that will ever be with me."

There was hurt on the lines of his face, but there was something else, too. Something I was too much of a coward to take. Still, it made him smile as he said, "You're wrong. You already make me happy."

For the first time in so long the voices were quiet. Shocked into silence. It allowed me to pull on his hand and wrap my arms around him. James was startled, I felt the tension in his back, but before I could blink, it melted away. He hugged me tight, hiding his face in my shoulder. 

We fell back onto the grass, holding each other like a lifeline, and I swore I heard him whisper in my ear, "I love you, Emily. I always will."