"Renee?" I heard, as I emerged from the forest onto the grounds of Rosestone.

I turned to see Ben walking towards me, carrying a stack of books.

"Hey," I said quietly, as he approached me.

"What were you doing in the woods?" he asked me, glancing behind over my shoulder. It was dark out now. The only light that was provided was from the various lampposts around campus.

"Nothing. I was taking a walk outside and I thought I heard something, so I went to see if it was a wolf or something," I lied, trying to sound casual. I was glad for the darkness. The shadows masked my face so that Ben couldn't see through my lie.

"You think it's a smart idea to go into the woods, in the dark, after a wolf?" Ben asked me, cocking an eyebrow. He had an amused grin on his face.

"Call me an adventurer," I said off-handedly, waving my hand. He laughed and shook his head. "Did you rob the library?" I asked him, nodding at the books.

"Oh! I have to write a first draft of a research paper tonight. The library was about to close, so I checked out as many books as I could," he replied, shifting the weight on his hands. 

"Here, I can help," I said, reaching for a book on top. He pulled away, though.

"Nah. Your skinny little arms wouldn't be able to handle it," he joked, grinning at me. I rolled my eyes at him and grabbed the three books on top.

"Gravity, huh?" I asked, reading the cover.

"Physics," he replied.

"It never made any sense to me why you would have to write in a science class," I said as we started to walk towards the school.

"Well, you know, scientific papers and what-not. You're not a distinguished scientist unless you get something published," he said. I nodded silently as we got in the elevator inside the dorms building. He pushed the button for the sixth floor and the elevator lurched upward. I could feel Ben's eyes studying me underneath the dim fluorescent lights of the elevator.

"You all right, Ren?" he asked me. I blinked and looked at him, feigning ignorance.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You look a little sad," he replied, his voice soft. I shook my head.

"I'm just stressing about all the work I have to do," I lied. He didn't seem convinced, but didn't say anything else since the elevator reached his floor. I followed him to his door and he balanced the books he was holding in one hand, while opening the lock on his door with the other. He pushed open the door, letting me walk in first.

He flipped on a switch behind me and the room became illuminated. I was a little surprised at first. It was so clean. But after a moment, I remembered that it was, after all, Ben's room. He had been an OCD neat-freak since I knew him. I guess some habits never broke.

We set the books down on the little coffee table in-front of the worn-looking couch.

"You want something to drink?" he asked me, opening the mini-fridge and pulling out a can of soda. I shook my head.

"I'll pass," I replied.

"You could use some caffeine. It'll lighten you up. And it'll help keep you awake if you want to do homework," he said. I gave him a weak smile and shook my head again. He shrugged and closed the fridge door. Then he walked around in front of me. "You sure you're all right?" he asked again, looking at me with those blue, blue eyes of his. I nodded, lowering my gaze to avoid his eyes.

"Who do you room with?" I questioned, nodding at the beds on either side of the room.

"Guy named Christopher. He's gay," he answered, sitting on the faded navy blue couch. I raised my eyebrows at him. "No really. He's homosexual," Ben said. I nearly laughed. Nearly.

"Seriously?" I asked. He nodded and patted the spot on the couch next to him. I sat down hesistantly.

"But he's cool. Funny guy. Excellent sense in style," he said, winking at me. I rolled my eyes at him and leaned back into the plush couch. He leaned back, too and turned his head to face me.

"Remember when we were little and we went with my dad and your uncle to go golfing?" he asked. I nodded, my lips turning slightly upwards at the memory.

"And we took the golf-cart for a spin?" I added. He laughed and nodded.

"We got so grounded for that stunt," he said.

"We were seven," I said.

"Which made it all the more awesome," he said. I shook my head at him, fighting a smile.

"Remember when we were eight and your older sister had a sleepover and her friends were watching a scary movie. And then you and I snuck downstairs to watch?" I asked him, memories flooding back to me suddenly.

"And you couldn't sleep for like a week after because you had nightmares," he reminisced.

"But you came in to my room one night with your toy lightsaber and you told me you would fight off any monsters that tried to hurt me," I continued, my voice growing serious. I felt the hot sting of tears behind my eyes. I knew they wouldn't come out. Not now. Not after they had escaped this morning. He looked at me, the smile fading off his lips slightly.

"Ren...you all right?" he asked me, concern etched on his face. I looked down at my pale hands that were in sharp contrast with the black of the hoodie I was wearing.

"I'm fine, Ben. How many times are you going to ask me?" I asked him. He sighed, leaning forward and setting his unopened can of soda on the table. 

"Until you tell me what's wrong. You've changed a lot. I know it's been about 3 years since I've seen you, but from what I'd heard from my parents talking about you, you were doing really well at your old school. But now I'm looking at you, and you're a completely different person. Something happened to you," he answered. He looked at me, his blue eyes intense. "Renee, I'm still willing to fight off any monsters that try to hurt you," he said. "You just have to let me," he added.

I felt my heart swell up. It beat against my tightening chest and I could feel my throat constricting, making it difficult to breathe.

I can't. You can't protect me. These monsters are too strong. They're just too permanent, I thought in my mind as I stared at him unblinkingly. He looked at me, his eyebrows knitting together in concern. Then he reached out and pulled me close to him, holding me in a protective embrace.

"You don't have anything to be afraid of, Ren. I won't leave you alone," he whispered.

I felt myself falling apart in his arms. I had to get away. I couldn't lose control. Not here. Not now. Not with him.

I pulled away from him and stood. He looked at me, his expression still worried.

"I'm sorry, Ben. I just can't," I said softly before turning on my heel and walking out of his room. I closed the door behind me and I didn't hear it open. He wouldn't follow me. He knew I wasn't ready to talk yet. But he would keep trying. I knew he would. That's just who he was.

He had always cared about me. He was always there for me. He had been the closest thing to a best friend that I had ever had. So why was it so hard for me to let him in? What was I afraid of?

But I knew the answers to those questions. I was afraid he wouldn't understand. I was afraid he'd feel bad for me. I was afraid he wouldn't know what to do because I was so broken beyond repair. I was afraid he'd give up once he knew. I was a hopeless case, a lost cause. My heart was shattered, my memories stained with a permanent dye. I could never forget. I could never move on.

For once, Aiden wasn't in our room when I got back up to it. I locked myself in the bathroom and after letting out a great, shuddering sigh, I began crying.

I leaned against the door and sank down to the ground, my head beginning to pound with that familiar drumming. The warms tears slid out from my eyes and down my cheeks, my nose, off my chin, and--splash!--onto my lap, creating a dark stain on the cloth. I pulled my legs up to my chest and buried my face in my knees, rocking back and forth, not making a sound as the tears fell silently.

The aching grew inside of me and I just couldn't bear it anymore. It was just like the night they had died. In my deep misery, I crawled towards the drawer where I had the razor I used to shave my legs. I pulled it out and rolled up the sleeve of my hoodie, still crying.

And then suddenly the pain was channeled from my heart to my wrist. I felt myself calm down a little, my great, heaving sobs turning to whimpers as my wrists throbbed instead of my heart and head.

A way to escape the pain, just for a little while...

______________________________________________________________________________

A/N: Oy vey. She's a cutter.

Vote for Ben being such a good friend?

How do you think Aiden will figure into all of this?

Leave a COMMENT. And don't forget to VOTE. I won't know if you like the story or not unless you VOTE for it.

XOXO