Azula was catatonic. She did not eat, drink, speak, or move. It was quite literally like watching a person decay. Her cheeks grew sunken, her lips chapped, her skin paled drastically, and her weight seemed to vanish. All the while Ursa, Zuko, Iroh, And Mai took turns watching over the fallen princess.
"Perhaps the Avatar can help," Ursa whispered, as Zuko took a seat beside Azula's bed.
"There's nothing the Avatar could do," Zuko sighed. "This must be her decision."
"She may die before she makes a decision," Ursa worried.
"I know." The Firelord's eyes glittered like fractured glass beneath dim lamp light. "But there's nothing we can do."
"We should bring Ty Lee," Ursa decided, "if Azula doesn't make it out of this at least she'd have gotten to say goodbye. It's only right. Mai, Azula, and Ty Lee were inseparable after all."
"I'll send the message," Zuko promised, rising slowly from his seat.
Ursa watched him go taking Azula's cold fragile hand in her own, "whatever it is you're going through...fight it. You are strong."
— — —
Azula woke with a start. Her skin was covered in a thin sheen of sweat, her heart beat sporadically in her chest, and her hands began to shake. She was young again. How? She didn't know, but the way things seemed much larger than normal indicated a change in size. When one was small the universe was practically doubled in size. Not to mention her bed swamped her little form.
Panting and clambering down from the damp sheetd, Azula bolted from the room. Racing down the hall she staggered about a corner nearly knocking a servant clean off their feet.
The sound of bare feet slapping upon the ground echoed down the otherwise dark halls. At last, Azula reached the room she sought. Grasping the handle she nearly tore it from the hinges and sprinted inside.
"Azula!" Ursa gasped, turning away from the desk bathed in warm lamp light. "What are you doing up so late?"
Azula said nothing as she clambered into her mother's lap. She'd suspected her mother would be in the study. She always was at this time. Ursa, startled by her daughter's behavior, held Azula's small and quivering form with care.
Then, at last, the princess spoke. "I h-had a dream. It was so awful!"
"Shhh," Ursa ran a soothing hand up and down Azula's back. "What was it?"
"Father," Azula stammered, shaking her head as tears brimmed in her eyes again.
"What about him?" Ursa prodded gently.
"He-I was with him. He burned people. It was so awful. The smell..." Azula's bottom limp trembled and her eyes held a fear too intense for someone her age.
"Why? Why'd he burn them?" Ursa frowned, feeling a sense of dread settle upon her.
"He said that they were animals. A disease. That men did not belong with men. Women can't be with women. He said they deserved to die. For the nation. Because we can't produce true warriors with such-aw-awful..." The young princess' voice gave out. Ursa's hold tightened about her daughter. It had not been a dream. Azula had seen it that much she knew. Only, Azula was too young to process it and too young to understand. The dream came with an attempt to understand what had happened, but there was nothing for her to gain from such a scene.
"It'll be okay," Ursa promised," he can't hurt you like that."
— — —
He could if he only knew. Ursa noticed it well before anyone. Noticed well before her daughter even considered such a thing. It was all in the way she interacted with them. The way she seemed to open up like a flower once frozen over. How she bursted with energy the moment a young girl gave her attention.
Ursa knew Azula wanted nothing more than approval from her female peers, but Ozai had tainted her. Azula did not know how to act with them. They did not find her schemes funny. They did not find her skill profound. They did not care. Yes, the Firelord had made certain his daughter was incapable of establishing any bond with her peers. Her social strategies were molded specifically so she would be alone.
What was worse, Azula didn't even notice, and when those two girls came into her life it was nothing but future trouble for her. They somehow worked their way into the little princess' childhood and seemed to like her company, but the acrobat-she was the worst.
Ursa saw the way Azula gravitated to her. Saw how she desired every second of the girl's attention, and she knew, she knew then that Azula' s life would be a tragic one. Because Ozai could hurt her. If he only knew. But for now she was safe. Safe because even the little princess didn't know. But Ursa did and it saddened her because what could she possibly do?
"Mother!" Azula's voice brought Ursa from her well of thoughts.
"Yes, dear?" Ursa asked, studying her daughter.
"Ty Lee said you could time us to see who climbs the fastest," Azula glanced over her shoulder for approval and the acrobat gave a thumbs up.
"Alright," Ursa smiled thinly, "one...two..."
The two girls sprinted to a cherry blossom tree in a dash of wild arms and legs. Azula was swift, tactical, and everything her father had made her, but the acrobat had grace, balance, and flexibility. It was close, but Ty Lee won.
"Not bad," the acrobat grinned, hanging upside down from a branch, "but you're too stiff. You have to loosen up."
"How?" Azula demanded.
"Understand the tree. Know how it works. Be like the breeze in the leaves," Ty Lee smiled wiggling her eyebrows.
"I'm not going to hug the tree if that's what you're suggesting," Azula snapped. Ty Lee only giggled, laughing so hard she rocked back and forth on the branch.
"Princess, you wouldn't hug anything let alone a tree."
"Why do you say that?" Azula scoffed.
"You don't hug. But that's okay," Ty Lee assured.
"I do to," Azula glowered, before awkwardly hugging the upside down acrobat. "See?"
"Okay," Ty Lee giggled again, "maybe you do hug."
Ursa sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. She was torn. There was no telling the influence that pink child would have on Ozai's masterpiece and the consequences that could follow. But for now, Ursa let her daughter play. Perhaps that would out weigh the inevitable suffering ahead.
— — —
"Again!" Came the sharp bark. "Again! Again! Again!"
Panting, Azula pressed the attack on her fellow student. He was knocked off balance, he was uprooted, and his ability to defend had finally gone. Leaping swiftly into the air and lashing out with her leg the boy was knocked to his knees. Landing, Azula peered down at him with sweat beading on her brow and loose strands of hair framing her face.
"Why do you hesitate?" The General growled.
"He's lost," Azula replied curtly, never once breaking eye contact with the boy.
"Finish him."
"What?!" Azula tore her eyes away to stare appalled at her teacher. The boy struck, knocking her flat upon the ground.
"In battle you kill or be killed," the General remarked with his clipped tone, "and there will be no second chances."
Snarling, Azula swung her legs acquiring momentum to stand upright once more. Hands ablaze she struck back at her class mate. All the while the General's voice echoed in the back of her mind.
"Should you hesitate you die. Should you hesitate you fail. Failure is not an option for this nation. We have come too far and taken too many risks to throw it all away. You must be stronger, wiser, and braver than any other bender on this earth. You must strike those down who stand in your way!"
With a violent kick the boy was knocked flat. Stooping down, Azula grasped him by the front of his tunic. Jerking him to his feet her fist was perched to strike. "Not bad little boy."
A thin smile flashed across the boy's face, and Azula meant her compliment. She'd gone unchallenged for far too long.
"Finish him!" The General snarled.
All too soon Azula was reminded of his presence. The presence of her father watching in the corner. "Strike him down."
Sweat slipped down into her eyes stinging them into blindness. Blinking furiously, she was tempted to let go of him to wipe at her face.
"You hesitate. Why?!" Came the demand. Suddenly, the General was beside her, yelling in her ear, demanding she do as he said, ordering her to listen. She didn't want to. The child didn't deserve to die. She recognized skill when she saw it and a proper strategist would never sacrifice such a person.
Still, the loud vibrato swarmed out the reasoning in her head. She couldn't think. He was too loud. Too overbearing. Pulse pounding, muscles aching, and heart hammering it was suddenly too much. The man needed to shut up. He needed to go away and leave her be. The damned noise was too much and one more second would split her skull.
With a violent cry she struck once, twice, and three times until her opponent no longer breathed. But then that bark was replaced by a laugh and her rage didn't stop. It grew because he was laughing, because he was laughing at her, and she hated him. Hated him all of a sudden. More than she hated anything else in the world.
Hated him for what she'd done. Hated him because he had power. That he had the power to tell her what to do and she despised it because no one told her to do something she didn't want to.
Wheeling about she struck fast and true. The look of surprise upon her Teacher's face was the last expression he made. When the thud of a second body hitting the mat a slow clap emerged from the corner.
Panting, Azula fell to her knees. Her body quivered from exhaustion and she could barely turn to see her father smiling proudly. "Very good Azula. Very good."
But it didn't feel good. It felt horrible. She felt horrible. "Thank you."
"Meet me in my office when this mess is cleaned and you've changed," Ozai hummed. "I think we have other plans to discuss."
"Of course," Azula nodded, and the waver in her voice was disguised by her heavy breath.
No sooner had Ozai left than she began to cry. She did not know why she was crying-only that she was.
— — —
"Are you okay?" Ty Lee frowned, sitting cross legged upon Azula's bed.
"I'm fine," the princess replied.
"What happened?"
"She slapped me," Azula spat, "and I don't know why I expected anything different. Who could love both son and daughter? Perhaps if he'd been a bastard child things would be different."
"Azula..." Ty Lee sighed, "why'd she hit you?"
"None of your business," Azula replied. "Now, I have studies to do. You ought to leave."
"I'm worried about you," the acrobat insisted.
"There's nothing to worry over!"
The sudden outburst sent a jolt through Ty Lee, "Azula-"
"I'm fine. I am fine. If I wasn't father would know."
Ty Lee sat there a moment before hanging her head and leaving the princess in silence. Of course, Azula was right. If anything was wrong with her Ozai would know. He would know and he'd fix it. He would make her perfect. Good as new. That's how it worked.
"Perhaps the blade should have burned through my heart," Azula spat, tossing the weapon to the floor. "Mothers only love your brothers. That's how the story goes isn't it? Mine anway..."
— — —
"She's been like this for how long?" Ty Lee frowned, having arrived two days after the message Zuko had sent.
"Nearly a week and a half," Zuko sighed.
"I can't believe it," Ty Lee shook her head and somehow despite her height she seemed impossibly small.
"Neither can I," Zuko admitted. "She seemed so strong leaving to go to sea. Having her return like this..."
"I can imagine," the acrobat agreed. When Zuko remained silent, Ty Lee moved hesitantly to her sleeping friend's form. She took the princess' thin veiny hand in her own giving it a faint squeeze. "I've never seen her so weak. So...vulnerable. It's frightening."
— — —
Rain pounded against the courtyard where Azula stood now resembling her true age and self. The drops came in slanting, stinging, and violent strikes. Overhead lightning cracked with echoing bursts of energy.
Blinking furiously, she tried to make sense of her surroundings but the only visual information she could collect came with the lightning .
"Daughter," The voice was one she knew well. Spinning about Azula tried to push aside the curtain of rain to find her father. "Why are you here?"
"I don't know," Azula stammered through chattering teeth.
"You do. It's because you have failed me," Ozai sighed, "otherwise you wouldn't be here."
"I haven't failed you," Azula protested, "I have done everything you have asked of me. I have done it all. Please, I haven't failed you."
"Don't grovel. You have and you know it!" Ozai snapped.
"Father," Azula trembled.
"Ozai, enough." Ursa interjected.
"Now she speaks! Now she appears!" The Fire lord spat, but Azula still couldn't find him amidst the downpour.
"She is a child!"
"She was never a child to you!" Ozai hissed, "She was never yours to begin with! You gave her to me!"
"I gave you nothing! You stole her from me the moment I held her," Ursa's voice quivered. "You made her what she is."
"A monster," Azula mumbled.
"Yes, child, your mother believes you're a monster," Ozai crowed. "But I am the one who corrupted you. The one who stole you. No, she gave you away."
"I did nothing of the sort!"
"You did!"
"I love her. That's more than you can say. I have always loved her. I only hate what you did to her. What future you stole from her," there was a fire to Ursa's voice.
"Stop," Azula could barely hear herself amidst their bickering, "Stop it. Please, no more. No more of this."
"Listen to me child," Ozai begged, "you know what I have done for you. What she neglected you for. For that boy who you call brother."
"Enough!" Azula's voice rang out like a gunshot. "Please. I don't want this. I have never wanted this! Neither of you have asked me how I feel. You fight these battles on my behalf and I have no voice over your thundering words!"
"You were never meant to," Ursa sighed, "You were always meant to follow. Me or him."
"I am a leader."
"You were never a leader child," Ozai snorted, "you followed orders. My orders. You built yourself a palace that came crumbling down on its own. You built an illusion about yourself. Twisted your own perception. You were never a leader-never in control to begin with."
"Neither of you love me," Azula whimpered, "I know that now. You love the idea of me. That's all you've ever cared for. What I could be-not who I am. Now, because of you, I am nobody. I have never been anybody."
"Azula-"
"No! You listen to me!" Lightning arched across the sky reflecting a violent and shattered gleam in Azula's eyes. Her emotions came tumbling in like tidal waves from out of the blue, "I am nobody. I have nothing, no love, no home, no family, and the only company for me is with my demons!"
"You have everything I have given you. What could you want aside from that?"  Ozai asked.
"I want nothing more than to die. I want to live in silence for the rest of my life away from you. Away from this family you have created. I want to waste away. To sleep until there's nothing or leap from the balcony and feel what's it's like to fly before I break. I love death more than I love myself," the princess' tears mixed with rain. "I can't be fixed. I-I close my eyes and I see you or mother. Your memories, the ones you gave me, won't leave. You have damaged me in ways I can't fix. No matter how badly I want to be someone. Someone I get to create I can't do it. I cannot escape my past no matter how far away I run."
"Darling," Ursa's voice was soft, "please don't talk like that."
"Oh shut up," Ozai sneered, "you can't win her now. She doesn't love us anyways so there's no hope left in your fight. At least her duty to me holds her in place."
"He's wrong. I love you," Azula croaked, "but I hate you so much. I hate you because you left me to love a monster instead. To love a man I call father."
"I never meant to hurt you," Ursa replied.
"But you did. You both did. And this life you want me to choose-I can't. I can't pretend nothing happened mother, but I can't return to the person you made me father. So I choose nothing. I choose this. Forever if I have to," Azula spoke firmly,  turning her face up to the rain, "and I will only leave when I have reason to. When I know that I have a chance. A chance at real life. A chance to stop hurting and wishing I was never born to begin with."
— — —
"Go," Ty Lee looked at Zuko who hesitated at the door. He'd been summoned to dinner. "I'll stay. You look exhausted anyways."
"Thank you," Zuko smiled kindly at his childhood friend.
When the Fire Lord had faded from view Ty Lee turned back to her friend. The silence was palpable. With a shaking hand the acrobat stroked dark and damp hair with slender fingers. It was strange seeing the ever poised princess looking like a skeleton. It broke her heart and she couldn't help but feel partially responsible for the state of Azula. They'd parted on bad terms which no doubt strained Azula's emotional and mental state.
"If you only knew how sorry I was," Ty Lee whispered, feeling her throat tighten. "I should never have left you then at the boiling rock or now. I never should have left you with your demons or with your monsters. You are strong but you are not strong enough to fight yourself."
Closing her eyes for the briefest moment the acrobat hoped that this was all a horrible nightmare. It wasn't. When she looked at Azula once more nothing had changed. Her complexion was paste colored, her face strained, her collar bone protruding sharply, her wrists impossibly thin, and her chest moving in small lazy breaths.
"Please, forgive me. Forgive me for thinking I could fix you when you weren't broken to begin with. Forgive me for hurting you when I tried to heal you. Forgive me for coming back when I should have stayed away." Warm tears travelled in lazy paths down the acrobat's cheeks falling upon the satin sheets leaving dark circles behind. "I should never have held you so close. Or pried you open when you weren't ready to let me in. You told me things I can't quite comprehend no matter how hard I try and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry they hurt you."
— — —
Forcing her eyes shut Azula willed the rain to recede. She wanted the scene to fade away into darkness. Darkness she could bear, but not this. Not this chaos.
"Help. Why won't anyone ever help?" She cried, sinking to her knees in the pooling water. "Why won't it all just go away?"
Shivering violently, the princess curled on her side letting the water wrap around her. Roaring rain and thundering lightning filled her head with strange rhythms. Her heart slowed and her eyes stared blankly ahead. It was as if she were waiting for something. Someone to pick her up and take her safely away from it all.
Safe. She wasn't familiar with the word. It had never been part of her vocabulary. Sure, it was a feeling, but had she ever experienced it? Only a few times.
The time Ty Lee accompanied her back to the dorms when some stupid boys were keen on flirting. The time Ty Lee stayed with her in the infirmary even if it ended poorly. The time Mai remained by her side during a school dance because everything was too claustrophobic. The time Zuko let her crawl into his bed at night when she was afraid. Even the time Lu Ten promised to fight off closer monsters for her.
"She will remain here until she chooses," Ozai's voice echoes in the background. "Me or you there is no other way."
"I won't force her hand," Ursa protested, "but you know she won't choose and there is no other option."
"Then prepare to spend an eternity here child," Ozai grumbled.
Azula covered her ears with shaking hands. She wouldn't choose. She wouldn't choose. They both didn't deserve the victory. There was no victory to be had. They'd destroyed her. Cut her into pieces and cast her out on the breeze. What could she do now but suffer? How could she please any of them? She would never please herself.
Then, as suddenly as the rain came it froze. Glittering drips suspense in the air like dazzling jewels. "There's a way. Not them. Not them. Me. It's me. I-I can pick me. I don't know who Me is but...that's okay. I'll be okay. Me hasn't hurt me yet. I've never picked Me. Never never never."
"What is happening?" Ozai scoffed.
"She's brilliant," Ursa laughed.
Hesitantly drawing away her hands, Azula rose stumbling from the puddles. She was uncertain, afraid, but her mind had been made up. "Me."
"What?" Ozai demanded.
"I pick Me. Not you. Not mother. Me. I don't know what it means, but I know it's good. I've never picked Me before so it can't hurt me. Not like you. You won't get a say anymore. Neither of you. You both made me and now I get to make Me. My choice. Not yours."
— — —
A shuddering gasp startled the acrobat from her thoughts. Eyes wide, she rose to her knees and peered expectantly at the princess. Agonizing seconds passed before dark lashed fluttered to reveal piercing gold eyes.
"Thank the spirits!" Ty Lee gasped, flinging herself across the fragile princess. "Zu-"
"Shh," Azula whispered, raising a trembling hand to silence the acrobat. "Not yet."
"What-"
"Let it be quiet," Azula rasped. "I haven't had peaceful silence in years."
The acrobat blinked for a moment before a thin smile replaced her confusion. She'd never heard Azula say she was at peace. Never heard the word uttered positively before. "Okay."
The princess smiled faintly, let loose a sigh, and closed her eyes once more. All the while she kept hold of the one hand Ty Lee had taken nearly an hour before. "You came back."
"I thought you wanted silence," Ty Lee laughed softly.
"Silence is still loud is it not? It can be quiet too," the acrobat caught the briefest glimpse of mirth in the princess' eyes, "now, why did you come back?"
"You're my friend," Ty Lee shook her head as if she couldn't believe Azula had to ask.
"I nearly killed you," Azula frowned.
"You've nearly killed many people," Ty Lee mused, "I'm the only one lucky enough to come back for more."
"Some would call if stupid."
"Would you?"
"No, maybe I would have. Not now," Azula decided, "I think it's...a sign of resilience."
"I can't place what's different about you but...I'm glad you're awake and at peace. Even if it doesn't last I'm glad you have a moment of rest," Ty Lee sighed, squeezing Azula's hand.
"I was put to rest," Azula's gaze flicked to the ceiling, "I finally greeted death after all these years and kissed life in return. I have gotten rid of all that I was and now there is only what I will be."
"And what will you be?" Ty Lee asked, struggling faintly to follow the princess' logic. She was certain in due time that Azula would explain her visions and spiritual journey but now was not that time.
"Me. I think I'll be...Me."
The acrobat watched as Azula smiled properly for the first time in years and it drew a smile to her own face. "I like the sound of that."