A/N This chapter contains sensitive content so please be careful as you read. As far as mental health goes it's okay to get help and talk to people about it. That's what I have to do. And please take your medication it always helps me.

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Ty Lee wasn't exactly prepared for what Azula had in mind when it came to preparing for the speech. The princess was very specific in the requirements needed to make sure what she'd written was effective. What was even stranger was that Azula hadn't allowed Ty Lee to see what she'd written.

"Wouldn't it be easier if I got a feel for it first?" Ty Lee asked sitting cross legged in the princess' bed on the third day of 'training'.

"No," Azula shook her head leaning on her desk. "You will understand why when the time comes."

"Why do you make this seem so cryptic?" Ty Lee frowned, playing with the corner of her shirt.

"Ty Lee, do you doubt me?" Azula glanced up from the floor to meet the eyes of the acrobat.

"No." Ty Lee shook her head, and it was an honest answer.

"Then understand that I have a plan." Azula straightened and crossed her arms. "Do you remember how I described my efficiency in combat when we were younger?"

"You said it was like seeing a chess board," Ty Lee recalled.

"Yes." Azula nodded. "I see in advance the...decisions of my opponent. I never think about the present, always the future. The choices and consequences that can result from my actions. The most efficient way to claim victory. This is no different. I have seen the board and I know where to move even if you cannot see it yet."

Ty Lee was reminded once again just how calculated Azula was. Part of her wondered if Azula had any particular reason for selecting her to make the speech. As possibilities ran through her head a lead weight settled in the acrobat's stomach. She watched warily as Azula paced over to the window, a breeze wafting in from the open pane.

"Azula, will you promise to be honest with me?" The question was hesitant, shy. The princess didn't look back as she sealed the quick promise with a nod. "Are you having me make the speech to be a decoy? So that any assassination attempts-"

Ty Lee stopped when she saw the princess' posture go rigid. She heard Azula draw in a deep breath and was prepared for the backlash. What she hadn't expected was the answer she received.

"No. You will not be disguised. You will be as you are and I gave you this duty because, as I've said before, it will be the most effective." There was a pause and Ty Lee thought the other girl had finished but a soft admission was mumbled from the princess. "If I was certain of assassination I would not hesitate to stand before a crowd. I've wished for death so many times it's become a dear friend of mine."

Ty Lee stared at the back of her childhood friend, shock holding her voice hostage. Slowly she gathered herself, "Azula you can't honestly mean that!"

"Can't I?" The princess had yet to look away from the window. She seemed hypnotized by the palace grounds down below. "It seems you still don't quite grasp it all, my friend."

"No, I understand that you've been hurt, but I never thought that you'd wish for such a thing." Ty Lee wasn't sure if she should comfort Azula or not. The princess wasn't one to like physical contact. "How long have you had thoughts like that?"

"Since I was a child." The admission was casual on Azula's part but Ty Lee felt a piece of her heart fall away. Never once had she thought that Azula had struggled with such ideas.

"Why?" Ty Lee's voice was impossibly small.

"I know that I've always been troubled. That my head hasn't been right. That I'm able to manipulate anyone, and I suppose at times, even myself." Ty Lee watched anxiously as Azula walked her fingers across the edge of the window sill. "I believed that I had the perfect life you know. I was royalty for spirit's sake. I had power, a father who saw me as something great. I read once that no matter how hard we try the subconscious cannot be controlled."

"Well yeah, that's why people have-"

"You don't need to explain it to me." Azula interjected.

"Sorry." Ty Lee clamped her mouth shut.

"Looking back it's not hard to see that everything I did, what I saw, what I experienced, it all took a toll. You once asked me what my training was like." Ty Lee could recall countless times she had, every time Azula was quick to shut down the questions. Ty Lee never pressed, sometimes it was dangerous to know things

"You never told me." The acrobat gave a small awkward laugh.

"I committed my first murder when I was ten." Ty Lee felt her stomach twist into knots, she felt for certain she was about to puke. "Father told me the man was treasonous. That it was a necessity as ruler to learn when it was acceptable to forgive such infractions...and when to condemn them. He insisted that there were times that death was the only option."

"Azula-"

"He was right. I'd read about such things dozens of times. I had no pity for him. He'd failed." Azula didn't hear her friend's attempt to interrupt. "I did it. Father smiled, you know. I thought it was pride in his eyes. I laughed. Zuko could never do such a thing. He was too weak."

"Azula please sto-"

"As every child would, I went to brag of my accomplishments. Mother was angry. I could see it in her eyes; I died to her that night. I was no longer her child, just father's. Though I was young it was easy to understand. What with the yelling and all." Azula's voice lilted into an exact imitation of her mother's. "You've created a monster Ozai. She's too young. How could you? That thing isn't the daughter I brought into this world."

"You're not a monster!" Ty Lee insisted too frightened and disturbed to move.

"Oh, but aren't I?" Azula asked still staring out that damned window. "I did more than you can ever imagine Ty Lee. I protected you from the truth you know. From all that really happened. The amount of...abuse that went on behind the palace doors."

"I know your father ab-"

"I'm not talking about my father!" The rise in Azula's tone caused the acrobat to jump. "I'm talking about mother Ty Lee. Haven't you been listening?"

"I have, Azula. I have, I promise." She needed to play nice, something was very wrong, she could sense it.

"I learned how beautiful fire was. You could do so many horrible things with it." From the slight angle of Azula's head Ty Lee could see a half smile on the princess' face. "I wanted to know how bad it hurt. Once, when Zuko got burned in training, mother treated him like a king. He whined for days, and I thought, surely it wasn't that bad. Surely I could do better."

"Please tell me you didn't do what I think you did." Horror settled over the acrobat. How in the world had she never known any of this? How had she been so clueless? How had she been such a horrible friend?

"Do you want to see?" Those golden eyes. They finally looked back at Ty Lee and her heart nearly stopped. There was a glassy sheen over them.

"I don't know. I don't know if I can." Ty Lee admitted, nerves and fear causing her hands to shake. Azula seemed to disregard her answer and without a care in the world stripped. Ty Lee looked away. She couldn't bring herself to see whatever Azula had inflicted on herself.

"Oh, don't be shy. You never were before." What surprised the acrobat was the surprisingly gentle touch the princess used to turn her head. Ty Lee felt a new wave of nausea settle over her. Under normal circumstances she never would have noticed, even at the beach the wound had been covered.

There was a large gnarly scar that ran across Azula's back just below the shoulder blade. "How?"

"I stood in front of the mirror. I needed to make it look convincing enough, like I'd been caught off guard while sparring. I'd stolen one of Mai's little knives. It glowed white hot, like it wasn't even metal. And after a moment of examining it, I reached back, and-"

Azula mimicked the motion she'd used, how the burn resembling the sharp edge of a blade had damaged her porcelain skin.

"Why would you do that?! That would hurt!" Ty Lee looked away once more, she couldn't bear another second of staring.

"It did. I tried to muffle my screams but it didn't work. Mother came running in. For once, my plans didn't work. She jerked me to my feet, dragged me to the infirmary and demanded to know what I had been doing." Azula's expression was no longer as neutral as it had been. Her eyebrows were creased together and her eyes held something foreign in them. "I told her. I told her I wanted her to pay attention to me like she did Zuko. She slapped me. Right here."

Azula's hand ghosted briefly across her cheek. "Told me I was stupid for doing that. That I was ridiculous and that Zuko really had been hurt. That I was just lying."

"Azula she was scared for you. She was a mother watching her child dissolve into-" Ty Lee stopped before she could say the word. Azula picked up on it anyways.

"Don't excuse her actions!" The princess snapped, her fists steaming in warning. "After that I realized it didn't matter what I did. There wasn't enough of her for the both of us. I pretended it was fine, but...it wasn't."

As quickly as the princess' rage had come it had gone. Ty Lee saw Azula's gaze trail towards the window again.

"Of course not. You wanted love, real love." Ty Lee's nerves kicked in again and she began to understand the draw of the window. She hurriedly grabbed Azula's hand anchoring the fire bender to the spot.

"Do you know what it's like growing up without a mother?" Once again Azula was not looking at Ty Lee. It was almost like she was talking to some invisible phantom the acrobat couldn't see. "How much I could have needed her? The things a girl can't discuss with her emperor of a father, womanly things, advice and instruction would have been more than welcome from her."

Ty Lee remembered on numerous occasions where Azula had turned to her for aid. Being young it had never occurred to her why. Ty Lee had always assumed servants would happily oblige to divulge such information at Azula's smallest request. "Why did you take my advice of all people?"

"I wasn't about to appear weak and useless to my own servants." Azula snorted, pulling her hand free from the acrobat's grip.  "There's a lot I hid from everyone. To this day I am the keeper of my own secrets."

"What did you hide from me? Other than what you've just divulged." She wasn't quite certain how Azula would react to the question, but the princess was off her usual game.

Azula laughed a deep, almost predatorial laugh. "Oh Ty Lee you're too squeamish to know what goes on in my head."

Ty Lee watched as Azula tapped lazily at her temple once again enthralled by the window. As much as Azula was right, Ty Lee was eager to prove herself a good friend when she hadn't before. "You don't know how much I've changed."

Azula hummed in what sounded like amusement. "I've told you enough."

"You've told me too little. I can't leave here after you've told me you have a history of suicidal thoughts, self harm, and there's even more I don't know." Ty Lee would stay here all night if she had to, she wouldn't think twice about it.

"Sometimes I see things." Azula seemed to feel that she could go on a bit more.

"Like what?" Ty Lee asked.

"Father. I see him in my reflection." That's when Ty Lee noticed the lack of mirrors or anything particularly shiny in the room. Nothing that would show Azula's reflection.

"What's he like?"

"Disappointed. Angry. And yet....smug and proud." Was the response. "I feel like he's always there. Watching and waiting to see what I do. If I go to sleep, he's in my head, whispering in my ear."

"What sort of things does he say?" Ty Lee knew that in the past it was Ursa that Azula saw. As much as Azula discussed her mother with venom, the two had healed their bond in a way. It was more the past Ursa that Azula despised.

"That I could take the throne from Zuko. That it would be easy. That the rightful heir would be sitting in his place. He makes me remember my training, the details. The painful hours until I was shaking from fatigue. That I am rightfully stronger than Zuko. That I've worked for my power. I've experienced the intricacies of war, handled the scarring of it, killed for the nation, lead it through struggles." Ty Lee watched as Azula's posture became more regal. As if reciting her father's praise gave her strength in and of itself.  "But he has a plan as much as I do."

"What else does he say?"

"That I'm a disgrace, that he hand picked me and I couldn't even accomplish what he started. That I have every right to tear apart what Zuko has built. It's my duty as his daughter to avenge what's become of him.  If I really cared I would disregard any morals they've forced upon me. That I'm worthless if I abandon what he spent so long teaching me." Any confidence that had been exhibited in the princess slowly deflated.

"And yet, you haven't done anything to harm Zuko." In reality Ty Lee didn't think she'd be able to handle the pressure Azula was being put through whether it was real or not. "Why?"

"Because when I do as I'm supposed to, he smiles in pride." It was probably the most genuinely nice thing Ty Lee had ever heard her say about her brother. "And I'm reminded of the time I first learned I could bend. I forgot I had this memory until years ago. For the briefest moment I recalled it. The look of pride when he realized we had a connection. That we both had this little spark inside of us."

"That's beautiful." It was all Ty Lee could really say. She didn't know how else to describe Azula's openness.

"Maybe, but I'm still the same." There was the subtlest waver in Azula's voice. "I still love the burn of fire, I still flourish in my manipulation, I still desire the fear I can instill in others, the pain of training until I cannot do anything else, sometimes I imagine the burn of Mai's knife, what it would be like if I just leaned too far out the window, and I still love my father."

"You're not the same." Ty Lee finally mustered enough courage to approach the princess. She drew the other girl into her arms.

"How?" Azula demanded her control finally slipping to reveal a wounded tone and expression. "How can you look at me the same after all I've told you? I'm crazy!"

Azula pulled angrily away from Ty Lee's grip and tore open her desk drawer revealing yet another saddening secret.  There were dozens and dozens of pill bottles inside, none of them empty, all of them unopened and full.

"Azula you're supposed to take your medicine." Ty Lee sighed running a hand over her face.

"I don't want to. I don't want to become  a numb shell. I am restless because if I stop to think I'm overwhelmed." Ty Lee reached into the drawer and examined the labels. There was medicine for depression, anxiety, and other mental health troubles.

"Is that why you stay awake so late working?" The question was gentle as the acrobat carefully closed the desk drawer.

"Yes." Azula nodded. "Now please, I don't want to talk anymore. Tomorrow we'll focus again. This isn't what I had in mind to discuss."

"Maybe not, but it was important to discuss." Ty Lee retorted. "Things like this people need to know about to help take care of you."

Azula stared at her childhood friend and it was perhaps the first time Ty Lee had ever seen her shed any tears. "Don't you understand what all I've told you means? I don't need anyone to take care of me. I can function on my own. It's how it's always been."

"No." It was Ty Lee's turn to be firm. Azula seemed a bit surprised by the  force behind the acrobat's words. "I've always been there for you. So has Mai. You were never alone! You put yourself in a box of mental and emotional isolation because you were afraid."

"You can't pretend to know me. Not because I told you my darker secrets. Even the healers who dug around in my head didn't know me." Azula wiped hurriedly at the tears on her cheeks.

"You won't admit it to yourself but I understand now. No matter what you did you disappointed someone. You won't open up to anyone at all because you're so used to being shut out. I never would have shut you out." Ty Lee was finally beginning to piece together the true mystery that was the Fire Nation princess.

Azula was hurt in numerous emotional, physical, and mental ways. The fact that she was still able to function as well as she did was amazing by itself. Still, she was suffering, and this self treatment of hers wasn't enough. Exhaustion could only shut things out so much. She needed more help.

"You did. The moment you sided with Mai you shut me out." That was the real truth behind the Boiling Rock incident. Yes, what Azula had stated previously was true, but it had beat around the bush.

"It was never to hurt you." The acrobat insisted. "But I'm going to get you more help okay? You need it."

"No." Azula recoiled strongly. "I don't need help. It didn't work before it won't work now."

"Azula plea-"

"I never should have talked to you." The princess began to pace with an almost manic aura around her. "Zuko sent you didn't he?"

Ty Lee knew she'd overstayed her welcome. Whatever had been bubbling beneath the surface throughout this entire ordeal was now boiling over. The acrobat didn't have time to make it to the door before Azula grabbed her by the shoulders.

"Stop playing his games!" She yelled. "He keeps pushing you around and you follow his orders like a pawn!"

"Let go." Ty Lee was somehow calm.

"I don't need him to babysit me. I thought he was finally going to let me be." Azula's eyes flickered about the room for a moment and she went quiet as if listening to something. The princess' grip turned into a death grip on Ty Lee's shoulders. "That's why he brought you here isn't it?"

"What?"

"He's using you to get to me." Azula's expression was one of pain and betrayal. "He can't do his job on his own, it's why he brought you, to get me to help. So he can stamp his name on everything!"

"Azula that's not true. You're not making any sense." The acrobat tried to wriggle free but she didn't have to. Azula let her go and rushed out into the hall on a mission.

Ty Lee watched her run off mumbling loudly to herself before sprinting to Zuko's quarters. "Zuko I don't know what's wrong, Azula's upset. I was talking to her and she told me-"

"What did you talk about?" He demanded already halfway out the door.

"She told me about the voices in her head. Of Ozai.  How she thinks death is-"

"Damn it!" Zuko cursed. "Where did she go?"

"That way." Ty Lee hardly had time to point before he was running. She tried to stay as close to him as possible. Zuko collected a few guards on the way and it wasn't long until Azula's location was discovered.

The princess had set fire to the plans she'd spent hours on making for the United Forces. Zuko lunged pulling her into a vice grip as she thrashed and flailed yelling incoherent phrases.

"Stop it Azula!" Zuko demanded her elbow catching him in the jaw. His grip faltered and the guards pounced. Ty Lee watched in horror as they pinned Azula and cuffed her roughly.

"Don't hurt her she's scared!" The guards didn't listen as they dragged her to her feet.

"Take her to the infirmary." Zuko ordered, wiping at the blood on his lip. His golden eyes settled on Ty Lee. "Stay away from her."

"What?" The acrobat's eyes widened in shock.

"Talking about the past triggers something in her. I don't know what it is but every time you're around her she gets worse." Zuko's eyes were hard.

"You want to blame this on me? Fine. Check her desk. Maybe it had to do with the pills that have been unopened for months." Zuko's eyes narrowed as he pushed past. Ty Lee didn't need to follow him to know he was going to look anyways.

All she could do now was stop and watch the papers burn.