Trigger warning: Sensitive content ahead ie rape/non con.
— — —
Azula's time at home was limited. Republic City faced challenges early on in its development and it was time she took charge as promised.
"But what do I do while you're gone? Whose going to teach me?" Kiyi pleaded looking at the princess with glistening eyes.
"There are plenty of experienced benders," Azula replied.
"But they aren't you," Kiyi sighed as she was escorted away by her father so Ursa could say goodbye to her eldest daughter.
"You be safe."
"I am always careful," Azula noted, "It's only sailing and perhaps a few pirates to deal with."
"You can't be sure of anything," Ursa worried.
"No one is ever sure of anything," Azula shrugged. In truth, she was looking forward to sailing. The palace was increasingly stifling.
"Good luck," Zuko interrupted, seeing the tears in his mother's eyes and knowing that should she cry, Azula wouldn't know how to respond.
"You too brother," Azula nodded curtly. Mai said nothing but her expression was soft.
She'd watched Azula grow over the years and it was strange watching the eighteen year old head off alone. It shouldn't have been, but it was because even at fourteen she had help. This time Azula was truly alone.
"How much longer until you go?" Zuko asked.
"Not long. I have a few more provisions to take care of." With that, Azula politely excused herself and walked briskly towards her quarters. The walls were bare as were most of the features in her room nowadays and she was determined to strip it clean before leaving.
Her presence there was to be unknown. This was her chance to erase herself from the palace for good. What she didn't pack she planned to burn, and throughout the process a few servants paused to bid her farewell, but Azula was hardly listening. She'd been set on this trip for a while now. There was no point in having attachments to a place that housed only nightmares.
Perhaps, at a different time, she would have stayed. But there was no one keeping her there anymore. In fact, part of Azula was beginning to understand Ty Lee's restlessness. There was freedom in traveling. One was the master of their own fate.
Clearing her thoughts with a shake of the head, she assessed her things once more before sneaking out of the palace. She didn't want to see the others again. There was no point in rehashing all that had been said. So, slinging her pack over one shoulder the princess walked hurriedly to the docks.
There, a fleet of harbored ships rested with their engines thrumming. Each mighty huff of machinery sent gentle ripples through the water. Slowly, each soldier took note of their princess' arrival and rushed to their respective positions. Azula acknowledged none of them.
She only paused to speak with her second in command but even that was brief, "I suppose your captains have studied the maps?"
"Yes."
"Then set sail. The swifter our pursuit the better." And with that Azula disappeared to her quarters.
— — —
The ship rocked ever so slightly as she read beneath the candle light. The isolation here was different. It was warm, simple, comfortable, and quiet. Azula enjoyed it more than she had her room.
With a sigh she set aside the papers she'd been reading and stared at her cabin door. After a long pause, the princess finally gave in to the secret urge she'd been harboring while reading.
Bare feet met cool metal and Azula padded silently into the hallway where she journeyed out onto the deck. It was empty as expected. The only one who should have been awake was the watchman-but Azula knew he wasn't. Her gaze shifted up towards the moon and it's gentle light which bounced harmlessly across a still ocean. Salt filled the air along with a crisp breeze and the princess took a deep breath savoring the scent. She'd forgotten how relaxing it was to be at sea.
Closing her eyes for only a moment she leaned upon the railing to gaze down at ghost colored water. Part of her wondered what was swimming below. Which creatures were looking up at the ship's hulking frame in curiosity and which swam away in fear. Sadly, Azula wasn't left alone to wonder herself into oblivion.
A gentle caw drew the princess' attention followed by a messenger hawk's graceful landing upon the ship rail. With a ruffle of the feathers it sulked to where she stood and nuzzled her pale hand. Azula carefully freed the message and unfolded it with grace. She absent mindedly stroked at the bird's feathers.
The letter's handwriting was recognizable at once and her stomach coiled in revulsion. She had told her not to bother with messages or any communication for that matter.
"It appears people hardly listen," Azula sighed, meeting eyes with the hawk. "I wish for once in my life that I truly would be with my own thoughts unbothered."
The hawk made a small purring noise in its throat and leaned further into the princess' touch.
"I don't understand how Zuko can complain about banishment. I think I would have enjoyed it." A soft smile played across Azula's face as she watched the creature. "But alas...here we are. And the question remains, what do I do with this?"
The princess looked back at the piece of parchment. She hadn't bothered to read it before but she supposed it was the least she could do.
I heard the fleet was destined to set off today. I can't say I'm not disappointed I didn't get to see it. I'm sure it was a fine sight watching all of those new vessels tear open the water.
And no matter what you feel towards me at the moment I do wish you luck. The island has been facing troubles of its own and I can only imagine the dangers ahead on your own journey. Be careful. The nation needs you. You're the greatest mind it's ever cultivated whether you believe it or not.
As a friend I just ask that you contemplate your own safety too. It's not cowardly. It's logical. And lastly I want to apologize for our standings. It wasn't supposed to end up like it did. I just wish you would tell me things before I found them out on my own.
~Ty Lee

"I don't think a response is needed." Azula decided replacing the paper in its holder. "I'm sorry you have to return my friend. It's a long journey. Take care."
The hawk lingered for a moment before taking off in a flutter of rushed wings. Azula watched its form disappear in the light of the moon and wondered if it would in fact return alright.
Then, with a prolonged sigh, the princess headed back towards her cabin. But the letter had brought back a memory she hadn't thought about in a while. Nearly a month to be exact.
But laying there in bed with her eyes closed the memory resurfaced anew.
There was a storm. The lightning raged about in a frantic frenzy and Azula was pacing about anxiously. She couldn't sleep. There was no way. The last time a storm that bad had happened-a shiver raced down her spine.
Her thoughts were broken by a gentle knock on the door. Without thinking Azula opened the door expecting someone else. The name was perched on her tongue and half uttered, "Fath-"
"Who?" Ty Lee asked only half hearing.
"Nothing. What is it?" Azula asked hurriedly.
"Nothing, I just heard you talking to yourself." The acrobat frowned. "I wanted to make sure you were okay."
"I wasn't talking to myself," Azula argued.
"You were," Ty Lee insisted. "You sounded afraid."
"I'm not afraid," Azula growled.
"It's not an insult!" Ty Lee insisted. "I'm only concerned."
"You will see that everything is fine." Azula stepped aside allowing Ty Lee into her room. The acrobat carefully crossed the threshold. Her eyes scanned the room carefully trying to pick up on any out of place details.
Another flash of lightning and she noticed the stiffening of the princess' shoulders, the eyes darting to the door, and the way her fingers twitched nervously. Ty Lee was missing something.
Pacing slowly she glanced over the contents of Azula's desk. Everything was organized as it should have been aside from a book laying open. Her eyes then traveled to the window. It was latched shut. Everything seemed to be in place until another flash of lightning revealed something she had never seen before.
Clambering onto the bed Ty Lee examined the headboard. A very faint handprint was etched into its surface. When the light hit it just right it was easy to spot, but other wise it went unnoticed. Curiously, the acrobat placed her hand over the imprint. Her slender palm and fingers were dwarfed in comparison.
"How'd this get here?" Ty Lee asked, voice hushed.
"It was an accident of mine."
"Your hand isn't the right size," Ty Lee frowned. She noticed Azula's shifty nature, the way her shoulders hunched, the way her arms were protectively wrapped around her shoulders, the way she stood with her legs rigid and together. "Please, tell me the truth."
"You're prying for information you don't need to know," Azula snapped, eyes smoldering.
"Alright," The acrobat nodded. She made no move to leave the room. "At least lay down and rest."
"I don't need a baby sitter."
"I won't be able to sleep knowing you're upset whatever the source may be." Realizing it was futile to argue Azula plopped onto the bed and curled on her side. She forced her eyes closed determined to fall asleep and forget about the entire mess at hand. But her mind produced a vivid past.
— — —
There was a knock on the door. She responded with ease having been awake anyways. In the doorway stood a familiar figure. "Father? Has something occurred?"
There was no response and something twisted in the Princess's stomach at the sight of his glazed golden eyes. The Fire lord appeared to be in some sort of trance.
She couldn't quiet remember how it had happened. He'd yelled, cursed, and insisted she was her mother. Insisted that Azula was there to take revenge. But instead she would fail, and he would have his own revenge. He would make sure that she never left again. That he was firelord and there was not a soul in the universe that could disobey him.
Azula recalled the way she'd yelled at him. Yelled that she wasn't her mother, that he was delusional, that he was sick, that maybe something was wrong, and that he needed help. But even still the name kept slipping from his tongue and it was not her own.
A storm raged outside like the storm within the princess' room. She had cried that night, tried to fend him off, but her father was the strongest man she knew. He took everything he wanted with little consequence.
It hurt. Like metal rods shooting into skin. The pain turned into an aggressive fire fizzling into a steady burning sensation. It was the first time the princess learned that the body didn't always respond to the mind. It acted of its own accord.
Encouraging each movement as new sensations were discovered. All the while it ate away at her conscience. There was no way to stop and yet succumbing would only make it worse.
And still she knew, she was not herself. The things that slipped from her tongue would never have been uttered. The things she did would never have occurred.
When all went still she felt the phantom weight suffocating her. Felt the strange emptiness otherwise unknown to her, and the emptiness was painful. Part of her wished the deed hadn't finished. Then the pain wouldn't be as bad, it wouldn't burn, it wouldn't send rods of ice through her bones, and it wouldn't ache.
There was blood that much she knew. She could feel the warmth present between her thighs, knew it was the source of pain, and yet she was afraid to move. Should she wake the sleeping bear...well there were other things that could be done.
But the ache was unbearable. So with care she extracted herself from the once familiar embrace to slink off to the washroom. She stayed in the bath for hours staring blankly at the wall. Watching the water turn a faint shade of pink.
When she finally retired back to bed her legs threatened to give out at the last few steps. With a set jaw she pushed on. Then, as before, she was pulled into a sleeping embrace.
It was warm, kind, and though she wanted so badly to hate the owner of those gentle arms she couldn't. For they were the first to hold her in years. They belonged to the person who had uttered words of love.
Still...anger boiled below the surface, and the conflicting emotions turned into tears. Nothing made sense anymore except for one thing. The way her father had always said she looked impossibly like her mother-and that her looks had been the cause of it all.
— — —
The princess startled awake. She was aware of and arm slung across her shoulders, aware of someone else in her bed, and instinct took over.
Ty Lee was woken to the sound of heavy breathing and the glint of something flashing in the air. She barely had time to react.
"Azula! What are you doing?!" The acrobat stood with her back pressed against the wall, eyes wide, and mouth gaping in awe as a flash of lightning further illuminated the scenery.
Azula held a wicked looking blade in hand. It had been tucked snugly beneath her pillow, and she'd tried to attack her friend with it.
Ty Lee watched as Azula glanced at the weapon in confusion before letting it clatter to the ground. "I-"
"You almost killed me," The acrobat couldn't keep her anger in check. "I asked you if something was wrong!"
"I know," Azula breathed. "I didn't mean to-I don't know what..."
"I care about you Azula but I can't keep doing this game with you if I'm going to end up hurt or worse. I can't keep asking you to let me help if you're going to keep lying. It's not healthy for you or me," Ty Lee stammered in a rush of passion.
"Just go." The princess' voice was hardly above a whisper. "You leave tomorrow anyways. But I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-it was just a bad dream."
"Azula-"
"No really. I just had a bad dream that's all. I forgot I had that under my pillow. It was a mistake. I'm sorry." Azula was surprisingly calm and it was this calmness that allowed Ty Lee to hesitantly leave.
But the calmness wasn't meant to last. Azula was left to cry until the storm passed, and Ty Lee was left to seek information on her own.
Zuko was the one to tell her. It made her sick, and part of her wanted to return to the princess and hold her, but she couldn't. She couldn't risk it anymore. Not after what had just happened. She'd done enough to help her and it was time Azula started learning how to help herself.
— — —
When the memories faded at last, Azula lay staring at her ceiling like she had that night in the bath. Her chest ached in a way she couldn't explain.
She remembered the difference between those two embraces and the realization of her response to each sent her rushing to the railing to be sick. She had turned into the embrace of a psychotic father and had tried to kill the embrace of a loving friend. It was entirely backwards. How could she hate what was right and somehow love what was wrong?
"I don't know who I am anymore." The words came out as a sob for only the water to hear. "Why doesn't anything make sense anymore? Why can't it just be like it was? I just want to be me. Please, let me rest."
— — —
But the rest Azula desired wasn't given. She fell into a fever the following day. One so intense and nerve racking that the captain ordered a return to the Fire Nation. He was certain that had Azula been well enough to know what was happening she'd have had his head-but she wasn't.
Instead, the princess was lying in a mess of sheets soaked with sweat. She remained partially aware while simultaneously in a perpetual slumber. It wasn't until the soldiers returned her to the palace that an answer was given.
Zuko had a sneaking suspicion of what was taking place and when Iroh arrived it was confirmed. Azula was experiencing the same struggle Zuko had. A splitting of a soul where two dragons warred over the same mind which remained at a cross roads. To be or not to be. Who you were and who you are. All there was and all there will be.
"Can we help her?" Mai asked, wearing a small expression of worry.
"No," Iroh shook his head sympathetically, "this must be done alone. For now we make sure she is alive."
"How long will this last?" Ursa fretted.
"As long as it takes her to decide what path she wishes to take," Iroh frowned, "and I am afraid this will be much harder than it was for Zuko."