* * *

Yunho sighs just as he turns off his old toyota's ignition, eyes downturned as his fingers loosely fist the wheel. He says nothing as Wooyoung unbuckles his seatbelt, but before the shorter can step out he comments,

"You're going to San, right?"

"Yeah." Wooyoung can't find it within him to lie anymore. "He sounded like he needed me, and I'm gonna go see what's wrong." After a second, he adds, "Do you want to come with?"

Yunho huffs a disbelieving chuckle, and shakes his head. "I'm pretty sure I'm the last person Choi San wants to see right now. I'll stay here and wait till you're done."

"Alright," Wooyoung steps out the car, the cold atmosphere sneaking through his sweater. Goosebumps pop all over his skin. He can even see his exhales in the air, gliding up like smoke.

"And I'm sorry," Yunho suddenly remarks, still avoiding Wooyoung's face. "For what I said earlier about San."

"It's okay." Wooyoung nods, but honestly knows he couldn't have stayed mad at his friend for long anyway. It's even better that he's apologized, and he accepts it even though it's one that should've been directed San's way instead.

He shuts the door, the half tainted windows reflecting baggy, comfortable clothing and longish mussed strands of hair dancing along with the chilly October wind. But he can't see his face, or rather, he doesn't want to.

Wooyoung keeps walking, past the other empty cars that litter the extensive parking lot adjacent to the bustling hospital. The building is massive, every storey glimmering in bright lights with several people mulling about. Under the hospital's fancier furnishing, however, lies the despondent thrum of harrowing sorrow that threatens to overshadow it, much like every other hospital. Looking at it sours Wooyoung's mood despite how open it looks, and hospitals have always been synonymous with violent fury and hopelessness in his book.

He tears his eyes off the establishment and halts, taking in everyone that exits it. Where is San?

Then, shuffling down the grand steps leading out the hospital is San, hands shoved deep in his jean pockets, his dark red hood protecting his upper face from view.

"San," Wooyoung calls out, his voice louder than he wants it to. But it works, because San looks up and sees him, tensing up.

Afraid San doesn't want to see him again, Wooyoung pauses too, heartbeat unforgiving against his eardrums. But all of a sudden San marches up to him, arms swallowing him in a hug in no time.

"Fuck," San breathes, his hold so tight it borders on suffocating. Wooyoung stumbles a bit at the force, but doesn't let go. "I'm so glad you're here, Wooyoung. S-So glad."

"How could I not come?" Wooyoung says, arms instinctively wrapping around San's middle. He's trembling, he realizes. "You forgot we're friends."

San doesn't answer; he just buries his fingers in Wooyoung's hair, stroking it over and over as if to ground himself in reality. He's sniffing too, sinking into Wooyoung.

It's all so worrying for Wooyoung; all he wants is for San to be alright. "It's gonna be okay."

It's gonna be okay, sunshine, he remembers his mother saying long, long ago, when they weren't nearly as content as they are now and danger cornered them every step they took.

Wooyoung's words are all it takes to break San, because he starts sobbing into his chest, to Wooyoung's utmost surprise.

"Sannie?" he starts, patting down the taller's back to let him know he's there, and that he isn't planning on leaving anytime soon. "H-Hey, it's alright, hm? Just let it all out. You're safe here."

San lets out what's supposed to be a scoff, but his soft cries make it all the more harmless. His tears have soaked a bit of Wooyoung's right shoulder, but he doesn't budge in the slightest. Just keeps on rubbing San's back.

"It's going to be fine, sunshine," Wooyoung repeats what his mom used to say without warning, but before he can chastise himself for using the petname, San's whimpers begin again.

He knows something horrible has probably happened to San, and knows they need someplace to sit before San collapses from fatigue. He scours around the area and upon spotting a cleared bench near the parking lot, gently nudges San.

"Hey, San?" he whispers, hands cascading down the taller's arms in a tender caress. "Let's go take a seat, okay? You need to sit."

San finally looks up, eyes bloodshot red and nose tinted pink. Something comes over Wooyoung right then that leads him into cupping San's face, and wiping off the remaining tears.

San sniffs once more, and nods, following after Wooyoung. Their hands brush on the way, but Wooyoung never obtains the courage to connect them.

They sit, San curled to himself as if he's just realized he just cried his heart out in front of Wooyoung.

"San, it's okay. I'm like, the least judgmental person I know -- though that isn't saying much now is it?" There Wooyoung goes with his dumb ramblings again.

San just rubs his nose, ultimately silent.

Wooyoung skims through his pockets till he finds what he's looking for, and pulls out a bag of gummy bears. Aware of San's eyes studying him, he clears his throat. "Sorry I didn't bring a more, um, healthy option. I was in a rush and uh, yeah."

He can't speak properly when San's looking at him like that, like he's all he sees. Like he's all that's ever mattered. He hands the bag over to San, extremely flustered under the taller's sole attention.

"Thanks." The word is weak, sore from crying. San fiddles with the packaging, not opening it.

"Do -- do you not like it? Do you want something else?" Wooyoung questions, revealing just how anxious he is for San's approval.

San shakes his head. In less than a second, he's leaning in, his lips like silk on Wooyoung's cheek. "I like it, Wooyoung."

Wooyoung sputters in his seat, eyes blown wide and face so hot he feels he'll explode. "W-Wait..."

San rips open the bag and eats the first gummy bear, appearing totally nonchalant. "What?"

"You just kissed me," Wooyoung blushes. "On my cheek."

San pushes another bear into his mouth, smiling a little despite his watery eyes. "Yeah."

Why did you kiss me? Because you like me? Or is it because you feel bad about what happened yesterday? Wooyoung's mind storms with several questions, but all he can do is blush like mad, under San's spell.

"Wooyoung," San speaks, his voice smudging through his mess of thoughts. "Can you please come closer?"

Wooyoung's voice is gruff when he replies with a "Sure", scooting in until he can feel San's breath on his neck.

The taller holds his bandaged hand, peering over at it. As always, Wooyoung's heart races at the contact.

"I..." San begins, inhaling a deep breath. "I don't want to lead you on. I love it when you let me hold you, because with you there's...there's no expectation to have sex, or to be someone I'm not. In fact, getting to hold you has been one of the things I look forward to lately, and -- and I don't want that to change. I don't want to lose you, Wooyoung."

"Because I've already lost a lot," San's bottom lip quivers, to Wooyoung's dismay, "and I'm currently about to lose something else too."

Wooyoung ignores the way his heart sinks and pulls San into him. San immediately embraces his body, shaky hands fisting his clothing.

"My mom," San speaks, voice hoarse and raw. "She has cancer. Brain cancer. She responded to treatment at first, so I thought -- I thought things would get better. But it's getting worse Wooyoung. So much worse."

"San..." Wooyoung's at a loss for words. He can't believe he'd let his stupid feelings cloud his judgment of San when the boy's been dealing with his mother's sickness all along. "I'm so sorry."

San brings him even closer, and Wooyoung lets him, finally knowing it's just his way of feeling and showing love. His breathing shallows at San pulling him so near he's on the brink of sitting on his lap, his hands on his hips.

"How -- " Wooyoung gulps, trying to compose himself, "how many times a week do you see her? Your mom, I mean."

San inhales, thumbs leisurely circling over Wooyoung's clothed waist. His expression's far off, brown eyes glimmering with unshed tears. "I try to see her as much as I can. Other times though after school, I work with this guy Yeosang at his family's sushi restaurant. He's the guy I said I stay with."

"Okay." Wooyoung nods, letting himself relax to the feel of San's touch without falling deeper for the guy. This doesn't mean anything.

He thinks back to all the times he'd seen San, and how tired he looked everytime.

"B-But when I'm not visiting my mom -- or working -- I sleep with someone to get my mind off everything," San continues, rubbing his eye. He sounds so tired. "Usually works, but it never lasts for long. Y'know, cause reality fucking sucks."

There's a stabbing pain in Wooyoung's chest at San's words, as it reminds him yet again of what he'll never have.

"You're thinking about something," San voices out, startling Wooyoung. His eyes still shimmer with the possibility of tears, but they're pretty. So pretty, just like the rest of him.

"N-Nothing. I just want you to know that I'm always there if you need me."

Scrawled across the dark sky are many twinkling stars, bright like gems.

"And, I'm still really sorry about your mom," Wooyoung says, watching as San eats more gummy bears. "Can't imagine how terrible you must be feeling."

"Yeah, well," San sighs, lips pressed into a line. "There really isn't anything I can do now."

A lightbulb goes up in Wooyoung's head. "Hey, San?"

"Hm?"

"Throw one of those bears at me."

San's dark eyebrows lift. "What?"

Wooyoung doesn't back down, however. "Send one to me. I'll catch them with my mouth. It'll be our little game."

Not needing any more convincing, San throws a blue bear in the air, which the shorter catches.

"More," Wooyoung beckons.

San throws two this time, but Wooyoung only gets one. He chuckles at the younger male's complaints, gesturing at the one on the ground. "Can't believe you're littering."

"Not fair. You're supposed to send only one."

"Oh. My bad." But San doesn't look sorry, not even a little. He just smirks, grabbing a red gummy bear to display in his hand. "Catch this one."

Then, he places it between his lips, and Wooyoung's heart crashes wildly against his ribcage.

"San, what are you doing?" He can't believe this is happening.

The confidence in San's shimmering eyes simmers down a bit, but he never budges. "I'm not kissing you. This is only a game."

Wooyoung observes the cars near them. Luckily, Yunho's isn't close, and he hopes his friend hasn't yet left the vehicle.

Swallowing thickly, he shifts closer and leans in, fisting his clammy hands over the surface of his pants. He sees the many moles on San's tan skin, the way his dark eyes are fully trained on his.

Then, Wooyoung watches the candy between his waiting lips, red and inviting. He wants to finally reduce the distance between them to nothing -- wants to kiss San so badly, but something is stopping him.

"I-I can't, San," he lets out, pulling back before he does something he regrets.

San blinks, pink blooming across his cheeks. But this isn't an I'm-overwhelmed-with-butterflies blush, no, it's one of sheer awkwardness. He clears his throat, removing the bear from his mouth. "I'm sorry."

Stop apologizing. Just please tell me why you keep giving me mixed signals, Wooyoung wants to exclaim. Instead, he bites his lip. "Do you do this with the other people you hang out with?"

What kind of question is that?

San sinks into the bench, glaring at the night sky. "No. You're the only one."

"Then...why am I the exception?"

"Because you've been nothing but nice to me," San answers. "And I want to return the favour."

Confusion claws up Wooyoung's insides, threatening to smother him. It doesn't help that his heart hurts again, his emotions a fucking mess.

"I don't understand."

San looks at him. "If you give me the word, I'll continue to make you feel more comfortable with yourself. I'll continue to make you feel good."

Wooyoung feels like he can't even breathe. There's a lump in his throat that won't go away, making it hard to swallow.

San notices, and he reaches out, placing a hand on top of Wooyoung's. "I -- I don't want to mess things up between us. I just want to help out, but I don't want you falling for me. But if you feel like you are, I'll back off for your sake."

Wooyoung's never seen San look so serious, so truthful. He's just confirmed he doesn't have feelings for Wooyoung -- at least not in the way he wants -- but he's also offering something else. Offering his body.

And Wooyoung should say no. Say he wants no part of being San's friend with benefits, or whatever else San wants him to be. But he hesitates, because he fucking wants San. He wants him so badly it hurts.

"...Okay."

* * *

a/n: thoughts?