Luna

I looked at my practical file and then at my phone. My written exams were over and tomorrow was my practical exam, my last exam. I picked up my phone and kept it again, wondering about Jeonghan. After that day, almost a month passed by and I wanted to text him about my exams or how it was going since he was always there for me. He was always there to ask me how my exams went and how was I doing and maybe I was starting to miss him. Every night, after that night I would randomly think about him. I wanted to text him and ask him how he was doing but everything felt so wrong but one thing was true I started to miss him so much. I never missed him like this, there was a lingering feeling, this time this feeling was different from that one month when we were out of contact and I wanted to contact him. I couldn’t understand the thing I was feeling. This time, the feeling was different from when we were out of contact for a month. I didn’t just want to reach out to him, I felt a stronger connection, and the desire to talk to him was more intense than before.

Sometimes I would just sit down and stare at the last message he sent me that night and after that there were no texts exchanged between us. Somewhere in my heart, I wished he was doing well but there was a different complexity in my emotions. I always wanted to be a well-wisher of Jeonghan and I wanted to know if he was doing well or not but at the same time, the thought of facing him after all that left me unsure of what to do. I didn’t know how I could handle seeing him again.

I opened my practical file and started checking everything once again to divert my focus on my studies as I needed to ace my last exam tomorrow.

************

I got inside the cab and was excited to go to the café. I was happy my practical exam went well and I wanted to have hot chocolate. I wanted to come here after my exam and wanted to invite Bora as well. During my exam, I was so busy I couldn’t meet her, but today I wanted to meet her. I was thinking of giving her a call once I am inside since she had her last exam as well and our timings are different from each other.

Every time I think about the café, Jeonghan is the first thing I remember. I am always reminded of Jeonghan; how we met here and how he once took care of my shirt when someone spilled coffee over my shirt, how I went to this café every single day to meet him for a month after I couldn’t go that one day. All those memories were so special to me somehow because of all the care he showed. This café held a special place in my heart, and maybe it was because of Jeonghan. Every time I walked in, it wasn’t just the warm atmosphere or the coffee; it was him. He made the place feel like home, and I found myself longing to be there, just to catch a glimpse of him

Once I reached the café I got down from the cab. After paying the driver, I was about to text Bora about the café and was also about to enter. Then suddenly, a guy caught my attention, and I could see him from the transparent glass. I had mixed feelings when I saw him, and all the memories flood back from that night, yet I was somewhat excited to see him after a month. I was starting to feel at ease and something different. Looking at him smiling somehow reminded me of our first meet in this cafe. There was an unknown smile on my face and a longing feeling since I missed him, I was lost in him. I just wanted to call his name, and I wanted him to turn to look back at me with a smile. I was about to push the glass door and walk towards him just to surprise him.

But then, the very next thing I saw sent a chill through me, making me freeze in place. I saw him getting up from his seat, and there was a girl beside him, who blew up the candle with him and then got up from her chair. Jeonghan took a step closer to her, and they hugged each other tightly.

I was right there, barely able to feel my legs. The next thing I saw was him kissing her forehead and patting her head, and then she hugged him again. The smile Jeonghan had while looking at her couldn’t compare to anything, and as if the forehead kiss wasn’t enough; he was smiling with all the fondness in his eyes.

I didn’t even realize it then, but a tight knot formed in my chest. I felt something stir inside me, something that felt a lot like jealousy and hurt, though I didn’t understand why.

I forgot everything that I was about to do, I turned back and tried to calm myself down. I wanted to go home, I didn’t want to go to that café anymore. All I wanted was to forget everything I had just witnessed, I didn’t want to meet anyone anymore. I wanted to talk with Bora about all the feelings I was going through today since I didn’t want to tell her anything in between her exams and I thought I would tell her while we sit in the café and talk about the things that happened between me and Jeonghan, but everything seemed so useless now. I didn’t want to talk to her about anything, I didn’t want to talk about him anymore, I didn’t want to talk to anyone.

Before my legs could give up, I wanted to go home. I didn’t know why I was hurting, but I was hurting, and it felt like my heart was aching. I took a cab home and was barely controlling my emotions inside. I wanted to be alone, totally alone, just to deal with my emotions right now, but the phone started ringing, and it was Bora. I didn’t want to pick up her call, but at the same time, I felt it was unfair to always let her call go unanswered at times like this. I didn’t want to talk to her like this when I was overwhelmed by all these unknowing feelings inside me, and I didn’t even know why. I knew she wouldn’t mind even if I cried on a call or let the call be unanswered, but it was me, I didn’t know what to do right now. I wasn’t sure how to face anyone right now.

I picked up before the call would go unanswered again.

“Hello?” her voice sounded so cheerful. It instantly made me think her exam went wonderful.
“Hello,” I said while trying to keep my voice sounding cheerful but failed miserably.

“What happened? Are you okay?” her voice was full of concern as if she knew from my voice.
“Why?” I wanted to keep my voice stable, but it trembled in the end. I took a deep breath.

“No, your voice just………., was your exam bad?” I took a deep breath again because I knew if I started talking more, I might break down, I can’t lie, at least to her. “No, it was good, I am… just not feeling that well. I am going back home now.”

“Should I come over? Do you want to eat anything? What happened?” I could feel the concern in her voice.
“No, it’s fine. I am tired, and I’ll be okay after some rest”

She answered “Okay, then. Just give me a call if you need me” and then I hung up.

On the way back home, I felt something different. Once I paid for the cab, I went straight inside my apartment.

I dropped my bag on the couch and went inside my bedroom. I closed the door, and my body dropped down on the floor; I didn’t know what I was feeling at the moment. There were so many feelings going on inside me, and I struggled to find the words to describe them. I knew I was the one who told Jeonghan that I saw him as my best friend, a guy best friend. I can admit to myself that I loved our friendship and the way we were with each other, just carefree, and I could be myself with him. Everything I felt with him has been platonic with him, and I knew I felt a lot of things for him, and they were a part of our friendship. I always thought things were platonic, and everything we had between us was care and worries.

“Bora… Bora… Moon, tell me you never felt anything for me” I didn’t know how to answer that, “Jeonghan” I took a deep breath, “of course, I felt a lot of things but they were a part of friendship. And I don’t think I am in a place to have a relationship right now, considering my exams are coming and I don’t know what I am going to do right now. Jeonghan, I am sorry if I gave you the wrong idea.”

All the things I told him that day came back to me. I missed him every single day and got worried about him, but I didn’t know how to text him or talk to him. I didn’t know how to tell him or how to respond to him. After that night, I wished he would find someone nice and be happy, but today, when I saw him with someone else, it felt wrong. A sense of emptiness washed over me as if I had lost something I never truly had. I couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe I wanted him to be happy but only with me, As I thought about this, I snapped back to reality and questioned my feelings. I didn’t understand them fully, and all I knew was that I was feeling sad. It felt like I never knew him, it felt like she didn’t deserve Jeonghan. I was telling this to myself when I didn’t even know who the girl was. All the happy moments I spent with Jeonghan came back to me like a film memory and I couldn’t understand what I was feeling. I was hurting inside but I didn’t know why or maybe I knew why but I didn’t want to admit or label that feeling.

Everything felt like a mess, it just felt like all the things I kept inside this whole month while missing him and wishing to see him again and talk, went in vain. Who knew, I would be feeling like this, an emotion that I can’t even name? no matter how much I tried to name this emotion that was going on inside me but I was unable to find the correct word.

I just knew it was hurting more than I expected. I expected him to find someone and be happy, and I would be thankful to god but I wanted to ask god, if so then why was I feeling so miserable?

I was scared to ask myself questions, I was scared I would find something which would throw me into some other dimension of the world.

I closed my eyes, for a second to rest my eyes since they were burning,

One thing I realized today, is I didn’t want to see Jeonghan with anyone else. I wanted to be with Jeonghan but I didn’t even know which was right. And if Jeonghan was happy then I can pretend to be happy and congratulate him if we ever meet again. And I needed to close the chapter of Jeonghan if he was happy with someone else’

The tears started falling, which were threatening to fall from the moment I saw Jeonghan hugging and kissing someone else’s cheeks and forehead. It was hurting so much that I didn’t have any excuse to cover up my emotions

They say, kissing someone’s forehead is the purest form of love and Jeonghan did to someone else.

Throughout my life, I thought everything I could feel for another individual was only care and love was always platonic but never in my life I thought I would be actually sitting and crying, as if that unknown heartache wasn’t enough when I rejected Jeonghan’s proposal that night. I was sitting and thinking all night about it, how I rejected him and denied him for taking one more step in our relationship. I wasn’t ready, that was something I was sure but I always thought everything that happened between us was just friendship and nothing more and I should’ve been happy after I rejected him by saying I liked him as a friend but there was a heartache which led me to cry that night. Maybe I didn’t realize it that night but now, since I am sitting here crying over Jeonghan, I realize that denying my feelings might have cost me more than I could bear. I longed to understand why my heart was breaking for something I never allowed myself to explore.

I couldn’t find the answer till day, why that happened but today it felt like I found half the answer and one more question in my life.

I was scared to lose Jeonghan, but I was more scared to see someone else in his arms and holding hands, just the way we did.

What did you just do to me, Yoon Jeonghan?

It felt as if he had awakened a part of me that I didn’t even know existed, and now I was left to confront the chaos of my own heart. A storm brewed inside me, and I realized that this was only the beginning of a stormy journey, one that could either shatter me or set me free.

Author’s Note:

Long update, after a long time.

So, Luna? Trying to figure out but what if Jeonghan already moved on?

I’ll try to update next part soon!!!

Happy reading :)