Savannah

I burst through the coffee shop doors, inhaling the cold air. After several deep breaths, I finally felt normal again. At least as normal as I could.

I walked back in, making my way to Dan's office. He was sitting behind his desk with his head in his hands. As I walked in, he looked up at me.

"Is something wrong?" He asked.

"No. I'm fine. It's just kind of stuffy in here." If he could pretend, then so could I.

"Look, I think maybe somewhere along the way you misunderstood my intentions. I'm your boss Savi, there can't be anything between us. If I lead you on in any way, that wasn't my intention. It's just, I've been where you are right now and maybe that's why I feel the need to help you, I'm not sure. All I know is I wouldn't wish what you are going through on anyone, so I do what I can to help." He raked a hand through his hair, messing it up and making him look even sexier.

"Where exactly is it you think I am?" I asked, dropping back into the chair across from him.

"Homeless. Confused. Angry. Scared." He said, shuffling some papers on the desk.

"I'm not. You just caught me on a bad night is all. I told you I'm fine, Dan. I'm not your charity case." I was angry that I was so transparent that he actually figured it out. Normally, I was so much better at hiding things.

"You aren't a charity case Savi. Gosh why can't a person just want to help someone without there being some kind of sinister motive behind it? And why are you angry at me? Did you want something to happen between us? I don't make it a habit of sleeping with my employees."

Yes, I kind of did.

"No. Not even in the slightest. I only kissed you because I thought that was what you wanted and I needed this job." I said with an angry sneer. My attitude surprised even me sometimes.

"God that's- I don't even know. You don't ever have to worry about trading favors for a job here. I gave you the job because you were the right fit, not because I thought I could use you for sex."

Even I knew I was reaching with that one. I was backed into a corner and I didn't like it one single bit. Dan also confirmed exactly what I was afraid of, it was all in my head. He didn't want me, not even a little bit. All he wanted was to help me because he felt sorry for me.

Well that isn't sexy at all.

Just like that he went from hot to cold.

*

I sat back in his chair, going over and over our conversations in my mind. Why had I even insinuated that I thought he wanted sex for a job? That was so stupid. Dan was the most stand up guy I had ever met. It never once crossed my mind that he would do something like that.

My stupid mouth always getting me into trouble.

I pressed play on the second video, forcing myself to watch it. Halfway through, Dan came back in and sat across from me. I glanced up, but he was buried in some paperwork. The man always seemed to be doing some kind of paperwork.

"Do you want your seat back?" I asked.

"Don't be silly, Savi." He said, eyes glued to the pages in front of him. "How would you watch the videos from here?"

I turned my attention back to the screen. The woman droned on and on about how to make an expresso with the machine and how not to do it. It seemed easy enough.

When I was finally starting to get interested into the video, I could feel Dan's eyes on me. I glanced up and he quickly looked away.

"Dan." I tried again.

"Hmm?" He was pretending that he was immersed into his paperwork but I knew what I had seen. He had been studying me, much like I had done him many times when he wasn't looking.

"You don't have to pretend." I said.

"No one is pretending, Savi. Just watch the videos."

I rolled my eyes, turning back to the computer screen. I only had one and a half more to get through and then I could leave. I was going to meet up with Sarah today, a girl from my past. The time couldn't seem to pass fast enough.

Each video droned on and on, explaining the use of the machine, how to clean it, how to make several different drinks, and how to turn it on and off. Apparently, there was an art to the expresso. Honestly, I couldn't care less. I was too busy in my head.

I didn't know why it bothered me that he wasn't interested because it wasn't like I would get with him anyways. He was my boss, and it just couldn't happen. Despite that, I liked the way it made me feel when someone wanted me. Even if it was someone who was very wrong for me. There was something thrilling about a boss and employee and the forbidden nature of it. I had played it up so much in my head that I thought it was real.

It had been a while since I felt this way about a man and even longer since I had been with one. Despite being cold inside, I still had needs.

Needs that Dan could meet if he would just see me that way.

I closed my eyes, picturing an inappropriate scene here in this very office. A scene where Dan admitted that all along he wanted me. I gripped my thighs under the desk, trying to break free from this spell he put me under. No man had ever made me want something like this. So, why was Dan different? Why did I think of him every single waking moment?

I forced myself to relive the night of my mothers death, knowing that it would push away everything else and put me back in my right mind again. It would force me to stop thinking about this dream world once and for all because life wasn't perfect, and Dan and me could never work. The more I fantasized about a man who didn't even want me, the more I was going to hate myself.

I gripped into my thighs harder, whimpering softly as the pain grounded me. Dan immediately stopped doing his paperwork.

"Savi, are you okay?"

I just stared at him blankly, seeing him, but not really seeing him. I was too in my head for that. I felt him before I saw him, knelt there in front of the chair, trying to pry my fingers loose from my thighs.

"Savi, snap out of it. You're safe here." His fingers snapped in front of my face and brought me back to the present.

"I- shit." I said, looking down at my thighs. There were little moon shaped cuts where my fingernails dug in, each of them bleeding just enough to drip down my leg.

"What happened?" Dan asked. "Where did you go? Why did you do that?"

What did I say to that? Because I was seriously fucked up in the head? Because I forced myself to live the single most tragic moment in my life? Because I didn't want to think about you...

"I'm fine." I said instead. "I'm fine. I must have had a seizure or something."

Dan looked at me bewildered.

"That was certainly not a seizure, Savannah."

All nicknames out the window, he must mean business.

"I don't know. I don't know what happened." I lied. "One minute I was watching the video and the next everything went black."

He was so full of concern. So desperate to help me. I just wanted him to go back to ignoring me. This surely wasn't helping in my trying to stop liking him. If anything, it just made me want him more.

"Savannah, tell me what happened. I can see it on your face, you look like you saw a ghost."

Before I could answer, the door swung open. Rita stood there staring at us. Her eyes widened, looking back and forth between Dan on his knees in front of me, my legs spread just enough to look naughty when it was anything but. Her mouth opened to say something but before she could, Dan was screaming.

"Get out."

Rita scoffed and closed the door back.

"Go. Go see what she wants, I'm okay really." I pleaded. "If you don't she is going to tell everyone out there that we are sleeping together. You wouldn't want that."

He sat there for several moments, just staring. Then finally, I could see him give up. Resigned, he stood and left the office. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, letting the cool calm mask wash over me. And just like that, I was back to the Savi I was before I ever walked into this stupid coffee shop and met the most infuriating difficult man ever to walk this planet. Just like that, I was cold and indifferent.

*

I could hear the yelling coming from inside his office. He was giving Rita a piece of his mind. Even the customers were trying to listen.

It was so quiet on this side of the door that if you walked in you might wonder if everyone was mute. The normal noises of the coffee shop were gone and only Dan's voice filled the air.

"I told you once already that this behavior isn't going to be accepted here. You can either straighten up or you can leave." Dan yelled.

Rita came out of the office moments later, her eyes wild and searching around the room full of people all staring at her. When she found me, you could see something change in her eyes.

She came charging at me, full force. She was ready for a fight and I wasn't going to give her one. Not today when everything else was going wrong.

"I don't care what Dan says, I know what I saw in that office. I'm going to ruin you." Rita said, practically growling her words.

It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Each and every customer was hanging in the balance, waiting to see what I was going to say.

"The only thing you saw was Dan trying to help me after I had a mini seizure. There's nothing going on with me and the boss." I finally said, calmly.

After that the customers seemed to go back to their own conversations and the coffee shop was just like normal again.

Rita made her way out of the doors and off to whatever she did after hours. I finished cleaning and gathered my things to leave.

At the lockers, Dan came up behind me a placed a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm really sorry about Rita." He words said one thing, but his eyes were full of so many unspoken words.

"It's fine." I said.

I walked out of the shop and down the main street towards the small boutique where I was meeting Jessica.

She was already waiting for me there, perusing through a small rack of clothes that was placed just outside the main doors. As she turned, she smiled when she noticed me.

"Hey Savi! How's life?"

I smiled, happy to see her. Jessica was one of the few people at my old job that I was fond of. She didn't take the hit as hard as I did, but it still affected her none the less.

"It's going." I said.

She nodded, reaching out to wrap her arms around my neck and pull me in for a bear hug.

"Did you find a new job yet?" She asked.

"I did, how about you?"

She turned back to the clothes, pushing the hangers down the rack as she looked at each individual piece.

"I did. Not as good as that one obviously, but it works for now."

I knew what she meant. My new job was a real down grade. Not that I wasn't thankful or anything, but I missed having financial security.

"Yeah, I know that feeling. I work in a coffee shop. Talk about a pay drop."

She turned back to me, and I could see the judgement in her eyes. Jessica would never come out and say it, but she thought it was beneath me. At one time in my life, I would have agreed with her.

"Wow. How's that going?" I could tell she was trying to look interested, but she wasn't at all.

Jessica pulled a cardigan off the rack, holding it up to herself. The color would suit her skin tone nicely, but I wasn't going to tell her that. Not after the way she judged me. I was doing the best I could and even though it sucked, poor people were people too.

I should start my own hashtag, I bet it would trend.

"Well, my boss is hot, not that he is interested in me." I said, just trying to fill the silence between us.

Jessica didn't know what to say, and neither did I really. We didn't have much to talk about after losing our jobs. It was starting to look like that job was the glue that held together our friendship. It was sad, but what could I do about it?

"Why not, Savi? You're beautiful, talented, and insanely smart. Those are all things any man would jump on. You could have anyone you want." She almost sounded jealous, but surely I was imagining it.

Jessica was like a model. She had the perfect body shape, all curve and no fat in her midsection. Her blue eyes popped, her lashes long and to die for. Even her blonde hair looked perfect. She was the poster girl for models everywhere. Now, she could have any one she wanted, me, not so much.

You can't have Dan. He is who you truly want. But why? And didn't we already get over this?

"Well thanks, Jessica, but obviously that isn't true. He made it very clear that nothing would happen."

She laughed, and placed the cardigan back on the rack.

"His loss, Savi. His loss." She plucked another cardigan off the rack and held it up to herself. "What do you think of this one?"

It was brown and it washed out her tan skin, making her look like a worse version of herself.

"No way, try this one." I said, pulling a posh green sweater from the rack.

"Oh, that does look good. Good eye, Savi."

Jessica took the sweater and walked towards the door. I followed behind her.

"You want anything?" She asked.

"No. I'm good. I have plenty of clothes at home." I lied.

Truth was I couldn't afford anything new. I had to scrape up change just to go to the laundry mat later and wash the two outfits I owned because I was too tired to do it last night.

"You sure? This would look really good on you." She held up a tight black sweater dress.

It was beautiful. The neckline dipped low and left nothing to the imagination while the middle was tight to show off every curve. I did want it, but as I looked at the price tag, I grimaced. Jessica noticed.

"Here, it's on me." She said. "It would be a crime to let it sit on this rack."

Before I could protest, she snatched it from me and waltzed up to the counter. I hated it, but when Jessica made up her mind, there was no changing it. That was one thing I was still certain of.

As we left the store, she handed me the bag with my dress in it and looked over at me.

"Can you afford to eat?" She asked.

Wow, so I see we are going to be blunt about it.

"Of course I can." I lied.

I couldn't, but I had a small stash of tip money I saved from today just for this occasion. I didn't want her to know how broke I actually was, so I saved my money to eat with her and counted change for the laundry mat. Talk about having my priorities in order. I never could seem to have them in order.

Maybe that's why I ended up broke and homeless.

She smiled, looping her arm through mine and pulling me down the sidewalk towards the corner diner. At least she wasn't going to choose a fancy restaurant, because that, I certainly wouldn't be able to afford. While I could order a salad and get away with it, I still couldn't afford it.

"Tell me more about this sexy boss." She giggled, pushing the diner door open and waving to the hostess to seat us.

"He's tall, has hair like the golden sun, deep blue ocean eyes, and abs you would want to run your hands across all day." I could feel the smile spreading across my face, just thinking about him made me insanely happy.

I knew that if my old tricks couldn't shake the feelings I had for him, that nothing could. I would certainly need to find a way to push this out of my system before I screwed up more and lost my job. I was prone to doing stupid things when it came to attraction.

That's all it ever really was, the attraction. I was the female version of a player. Using men for sex and then disposing of them. I could certainly understand why the guys did it. When there were no feelings, it was all around just better.

"Sounds like a dream." Jessica said.

The hostess seated us quickly, and handed us menus before going back to her podium. Jessica picked up the menu and scanned it. Her nose wrinkled up as if she was disgusted with the choices. I was almost embarrassed at how I used to be just like her.

This diner had good food, and while it wasn't the poshest place in town, it was a four star worthy place. Sometimes the ones who look the worst are actually the best. That was true for this establishment. Even when I had the money, I would come here.

The bubbly waitress came up to the table, a bounce in her step like she just won the lottery.

"Hi, welcome to Ed's Diner, what can I start you with today?"

Her peppy attitude made me want to puke. I didn't understand how people could be that happy. Life sucked.

"Water." I said.

"Tea." Jessica said, glancing back at me. "Savi, get some tea."

I couldn't afford the tea if I wanted a nice meal so I brushed her off as best as I could.

"Nah. I'm on a health kick. Water, water, water, all the time." I smiled, patting my stomach for believability.

Thankfully, she dropped it and glanced back down at the menu.

"Okay, I'll be right back with your drinks." The peppy waitress said, bouncing away from the table like Tigger on crack.

It must be her first day or something. No one is that happy to be a waitress. Believe me, I would know.

"Someone just had an orgasm. Did you see the way her hair was all messed up? I bet she shagged her boss in the cooler. Ugh gross." Jessica said, tossing the menu to the table.

I laughed, looking back at Miss pep-n-stuff. Her hair looked just fine to me, though that would explain why she was so bubbly and happy. Surely, it wouldn't happen in the cooler though. I would peg it more for the office or somewhere they wouldn't get caught, like a bathroom.

"That's totally messed up, Jessica." I said. "How do you know it wasn't a co-worker or even a customer? It's kind of off limits to date the boss."

Jessica looked at me like I was stupid. I couldn't help being annoyed.

"Seriously Savi? Like anyone follows the rules anymore. The whole forbidden thing is hot, that's why people do it. I screwed my sister's husband, and it was the sexiest one night stand I've ever had."

The way Jessica admitted that with no shame at all had me looking at her in a different light. If I had a sister, I certainly wouldn't do that to her. I wasn't into unavailable men, and I certainly did not like home wreckers.

"That's blunt." I said, looking back at my menu and biting my lip to keep from saying anything more.

"It was incredible. I was almost sad we couldn't do it again. There's a rush to doing something so naughty like that, that's why you should keep trying with your sexy boss."

Now she was just being ridiculous. If I kept trying, Dan would certainly fire me. I couldn't afford to get fired; I was already sleeping in a bus station and going without meals.

"Maybe." I said.

The waitress came back over with our drinks and set them down on the table.

"You did wash your hands after the mind blowing sex you just had right?" Jessica asked, smiling at the waitress with an 'I'm better than you' attitude.

"What?" The bubbly waitress wasn't so bubbly anymore. Instead she looked like a deer in headlights.

Oops, caught.

"I said, you did wash your hands after the mind blowing sex you just had right?" Jessica asked again, slower this time, as if the waitress was stupid.

"Jessica, stop." I said, trying to somehow diffuse the situation.

"I did wash many hands, and what I do on my break is none of your business." The waitress said, a snap in her words and anger in her tone. "Now what would you like to eat? Don't worry, I won't be touching it. I can even have the cook bring it out for you, since you are so much better than me."

Tell her girl!

"I'm not hungry. But Savi here will be eating." Jessica sneered at the waitress.

"I'll have the veggie burger with turkey bacon and sweet potato fries. Also don't mind her, she can be a bitch sometimes." I replied, glaring at Jessica.

"I'll have that right out to you." Her peppy attitude was back and in full force.

I need new friends.