(my computer hates me so here is the picture I wanted, hope it works)

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       I can't seem to understand myself. I am kinda always lonely and want to find love, but I also can't seem to just like someone and ask them out. I never want to be happy with who I see around me. I want to be alive, I feel alive. Yet I also can't find the sun. I can't quite decide if I can see the sun but can't feel it or if I can feel it but can't see it. This time of year is finally kicking in, I'm starting to fall into depression. But this year, I keep ignoring it. I keep distracting myself with great stories of love on here. I didn't want to write a poem for once so I didn't. I guess this is a letter to anyone who reads it and myself in a way. 

       Today, I realized one of my friends is so much more important to me than I thought. They were gone from school for a week and a half and suddenly I was so alone. I love all of my friends equally a lot, but this person holds a different kind of place in my heart. They always do things like let me lay my head on their shoulder in school, etc that doesn't come as naturally for my other friends. Even something as small as that can bring me up. I have realized that my love language is more important than I thought. My love language is touch (not sexually, u little nasty!). This person is like that too and seeing them everyday has greatly helped me. I am just now truly realizing how much they have supported me. I have been more happy in general this school year than I have been since 5th grade. I think part of it is the close physical relationship I have with this person. I have felt less lonely and had a LOT fewer cry-myself-to-sleep-nights.

       Recently (basically the past week or two ish), I have been more lonely than usual compared to the past few months. I normally have a kind of wave of sadness in the first few months of the year but it didn't hit till this past weekend. My theory is that my friend helped me without knowing it? I feel like I have connected to my friend in a deeper sense of understanding and relation than I have with many of my other friends, in a way. I consider myself to have a generally equal relationship with all my friends in terms of talking to each other and connecting like friends do. But this person, I realize, has held my loneliness at bay, almost by themselves with simple hugs everyday. I love this person so much, like all of my friends, but not seeing them for a while has deepened my sense of gratitude for them. I'm not quite sure why I wrote this here or to people (still not sure about posting this), but I wanna say this: remember your friends. Friends may not be here forever, so I'm gonna try and thank all of mine for no reason and confuse the heck out of them. 

Also, if you need a friend, dm me, I always like making new ones! And also, I like to think I give good advice if you need some.

Have a  g r e a t  day/night! <3