I went to see my Dad again the other day. 

He was asleep when I got there. I lingered in the doorway wondering whether or not to wake him. I knew that he slept a lot these days but two nurses rushed in and told me that he was looking forward to seeing me. He had left instructions to wake him when I arrived.

He woke up and he was so happy to see me. I sat and we talked. The first thing he told me was that after thinking about the photos that I showed him, that I had done a good job. The first compliment that he'd ever given my work. It was gut-wrenching but joyful at the same time.

We talked some more and we finally started talking about things that mattered. Finally. Without him accusing me of just wanting money from him. It was never the case. I had always just wanted him in my life to support me emotionally and be my Dad.

It's like he was a different man. One that wanted to finally connect with me on a real emotional level, as I had always wanted. He lamented that he was always focused on the wrong things in life. He finally realised that family was the most important.

More tears. I couldn't help it. Time was slipping through my fingers and I knew that his time was so short now. Especially when he asked the nurse not to bring him any dinner. He was going to start fading away as his younger brother did towards the end of his tragic life.

I hated my cousin for taking so long to tell me about his illness. A rage seethes inside me, coming in waves each time I think of how much time was lost because they didn't get in touch with me sooner. I wonder whether if I had known sooner and been there for him would he have done better? Each time I've visited my Dad, he moves his legs more and tries to move the rest of his body too. Could I have been the reason he wouldn't be bedridden now? I don't know and I'll never know.

When I left, his eyes were drooping and he was struggling to stay awake. I told him that I'd come back in a couple of days when I'll be in the area again. Nearly every day this week I'll be in the area so I'll be able to spend more time with him. 

I want to spend as much time as possible with him.