Luke really loves Ashton.

That's an understatement.

Luke really, really, really, really, really, really, loves Ashton.

So when Luke wins tickets to Ashtons concert and an assassin shows up, Luke does the only thing he can think of.

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To Calum, From Luke

HEY R U READY OMG IM SO EXCITED I WANT TO EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT

To Luke, From Calum

dude r u high or something?

To Calum, From Luke

LOL BITCH I MIGHT BE

To Luke, from Calum

we're not going if ur high

To Calum, From Luke

OKAY IM OVER IT LETS GO X D

NOOOOOO

I FUCKED IT UP

I DISFIGURED HIS FACE!!!

To Luke, From Calum

dude wtf r u talking about?

To Calum, From Luke

HIS FACE!

ITS HIDEOUS!

THROW HIM OUT!

OMG.

SURGERY!

WHATS THE NUMBER FOR SURGERY???

To Luke, From Calum

thats it. were not going

To Luke, From Calum

DUDE GET OFF MY ROOF

HOW DID U GET UP THERE

LUCAS!!!

Luke jumped through Calums window. "His face! I messed it up!" He shoved his phone into Calums face. "Look! Look with your Asian eyes!"

Calum glared and slapped the phone away. "I'm not Asian! For the billionth time, fucking hell and Jesus Christ."

"That's contradictory." Luke commented, following Calum down stairs, where Mikey was eating in the kitchen.

He looked up in surprise. "Luke? How did you get in here? I locked the door!"

Luke stuck him bum out and put his hand in the air, throwing his head back. "You can't keep the fabulousness out!"

Michael rolled his eyes and kept eating.

Calum groaned as he opened the fridge. "Are you seriously gunna drag us to the concert?"

"I am and you're gunna like it you little-" Luke cut himself as his phone went off, blasting Key of Awesome.

"Oh my God, that was the eighteen hour warning! We only have eighteen hours before the concert starts!" Luke gasped and grabbed his friends hands, dragging them to Calums window.

"Fly my kittens!" Luke cried, shoving them out. He climbed onto the windowsill and spread his arms. "Catch me Ashton!"

He jumped and landed on his friends. He sat up quickly. "Thank you Ashton!" He jumped up. "Come on guys, we only have seventeen hours and fifty seven minutes until the concert!" He ran to the car, leaving his friends on the ground.

"I hate that guy." Mikey groaned into the grass.

-

"Oh my God, I'm going to throw up, quick Calum! Give me your hair!" Luke moaned.

Calum shook his head. "You are not throwing up in my hair- LUKE YOU ARE NOT THROWING UP IN MY HAIR!" He yanked his head back and glared.

Luke pouted. "But I need stability! We're in line to meet Ashton Irwin and I have no change of underwear!"

Mikey looked at Luke and took a step back.

Suddenly the crowd started screaming as a door up ahead opened, and Ashton stepped out, surrounded by his bodyguards.

Luke screamed as he slowly fell to the ground. He gripped his friend's shirts, pulling them down with him.

"Ashton! I love you!" Luke cried uncontrollably.

Calum struggled out of Luke's deathgrip. "Dude, we are the only guys here. Get a grip!"

"Yeah, I'm gunna go hit on some girls." Mikey said. "Care to join me Cal?"

Calum nodded enthusiastically. "Anything to get away from this weirdo." He pointed to Luke, who was curled up in a ball of feels.

They left then, and Luke started talking to himself. "Okay Luke, you can do this. Be calm and cool and shithe'coming this way!"

And there he was, standing in front of Luke, looking like the perfect angel he is.

Ashton smiled. "Hi."

Luke jumped up and hit the wall of the building behind him. "Oh my God, you talked to me! You are talking to me! Thank you!" He wiped away his tears. "I promised myself I wouldn't cry, damn it."

Ashton frowned. "Hey dont swear." He reached a hand out. "Are you okay? Do you want some water?"

Luke stared at Ashtons hand and nearly fainted.

He shakily accepted it, and Ashton led him into the building, despite all the other fans screaming for attention.

"Want a water bottle? It's really hot out." Ashton talked as he led Luke around backstage.

Luke was screaming silently and looking all around like a tourist.

Ashton turned and looked at him. "Hello? Do you want some water?"

Luke snapped his attention back and nodded vigorously.

Ashton smiled and led them into his dressing room. "We don't have any cold ones, but you can use mine if you don't mind sharing. I know some people dont like that kind of stuff."

Luke brought his hand to his face and cried into it. This was not happening. Any second now he would wake up and cry some more.

Ashton let go of his hand and grabbed an opened water bottle. "Here." He handed it to Luke and Luke made a sound that would hardly count as human.

He accepted it and debated wether to drink it all right now or savor it for life.

A man poked his head into the room. "You're on in five Ash."

Ashton gave him a smile. "Okay, thanks!"

He faced Luke, who was staring at the water bottle in his hand with a slightly creepy look.

"Hey, I have to leave. You sure you'll be okay? You're here for the concert right? Want me to escort you to your seat?"

"I'm okay, I'll just finish this and leave, if that's okay?" Luke said.

Ashton nodded. "Sure. See you at the concert. Hey wait, what's your name?"

"L-Luke. I can change it if you dont like it."

Ashton laughed. "No! I love it! Well, bye!"

Luke smiled and waved bye as Ashton left.

The moment the door closed, Luke ran around the room, flinging things around the room and making a huge mess of Ashtons stuff.

His hand brushed against an adorable fedora and Luke gasped, recognizing it as the one Ashton loved to wear.

He tried it on and snapped selfies to show his friends later. In their fucking faces!!!

The door suddenly opened then and a woman came in.

"Are you Ashton Irwin?" She asked.

Luke laughed and shook his head. "Oh I wish, no, I'm.....actually, yes. I am. Can I help you?" He spoke in an accent, adjusting his new hat.

The woman pulled a gun out. "You can shut up and follow me."

(originally the crazy gun girl was gunna be a crazy gun man but then I realized that its always a man. THERE R INSANE FEMALES TOO PPL! XD)

Luke gulped and followed.

-

Ashton opened the door and gasped at the messy scene before him.

"Luke! What happened?! Luke? Hello?"

He looked around and frowned. "Luke, you are way more than I bargained for."

-

Calum and Michael waited outside the stadium, looking around for Luke to come out, but he was no where to be found among the crying fangirls.

"Ugh, I'll just call him." Calum said, pulling out his phone.

He dialed the number and frowned when it went straight to voicemail.

"Strange." He typed the number back in and tried again.

This time someone picked up. "Who is this?" A woman demanded.

Calums eyes widened and Mikey frowned. "Who is this?!"

"Hey! That's my phone! How did you get past my passcode?!"

Calum gasped. "Luke?!"

There was a pause and then Luke laughed nervously. "Uh no, this is Ashton."

Calum frowned and faced Mikey.

Michael shrugged.

"You are not Ashton, Luke, where are you? Who's that with you?"

"Um, I actually am Ashton, please stop telling me I'm not. That's highly rude." Calum rolled his eyes at Luke's tone.

"And secondly, I don't know where I am, this vans windows are tinted. Excuse me, super kind lady, could you put that gun down and explain where we're going?"

"Wait, Luke, are you being serious right now?! What's going on?!" Calum asked with wide eyes.

"This phone call is over." The woman snarled and hung up.

Calum stared at the phone in his hand and slowly faced Mikey.

"What just happened?" Michael asked.

"Luke did something stupid. Again." Calum groaned. "One day! Just one day I need him to be normal." He sighed. "Let's go."

-

Ashton was walking back to his tour bus when two boys ran up to him.

"Hi, you're Ashton right?" One asked.

"Ay." Ashton said, squinting at the two of them. "Who are you?"

"I'm Calum and this is Michael. Have you by any chance seen a little blonde boy, about this tall, really un-punk rock? He did something really stupid and we need to get him back." Calum explained desperately.

"Was his name Luke?" Ashton asked.

Mikey nodded in shock. "How did you know?"

"He told me. I was greeting fans outside and he was crying on the floor, so I came over to see if anything was wrong. I led him back to my dressing room and he stole my favorite fedora." Ashton pouted, then frowned. "Actually, now that I think about it, I didn't see him at the concert."

"Does your dressing room have a security camera?" Calum asked.

"Hey! Ashton! Come on!" A man called from the bus. "We gotta hit the road if we're gunna make it to Toronto by nine!"

Ashton looked back at Calums and Mikeys hopeful faces and sighed. "We're not going to Toronto Matt, I gotta save this idiot."

-

Said idiot sat stiffly on the vans leather seats, carefully watching the lady who was pointing a gun at him.

"That's a nice gun." He commented. "I bet you could kill tons of people with that."

"I have." The lady glared.

Luke nodded. "Good. I bet your dad is real proud. Congratz."

The woman clicked the gun. "Shut up."

Luke lowered the stolen hat over his eyes. "Kk."

He stole a look over at the driver. "Is that man your hubby?"

The lady sighed. "I wasn't aware you talked so much."

Luke shrugged. "Shit happens you know. Especially at a Taco Bell bathroom."

The lady groaned. "I said shut up!"

Luke held his hands up. "Alright, alright."

A few seconds later he looked up again.

"Did you know Michelle Obama is actually a man?

The lady roared and hit Luke over the head with the gun, knocking him out.

-

Ashton led them back to his dressing room.

"I thought something had happened when I saw my dressing room in this state."

They all walked inside and looked around. "Is that a camera up there?"

Mikey pointed up and they saw a small camera, its red light still blinking.

"Yeah, boost me up and I can grab it." Ashton said.

Mikey frowned. "But there's a chair right over there."

Ashton scoffed. "And use it to scratch these designer boots up? I should think not. Raise me peasants!" He cried, reaching his hands up.

Calum and Mikey rolled their eyes but lifted the star up.

Ashton grabbed the camera and they lowered him down.

"Okay, lets play the film and see what happened." Ashton said, rewinding the recordings.

He stopped when he saw Luke and him in the dressing room and played it from there.

Luke waved as Ashton left, then immediately started ransacking the place.

He found Ashtons hat and tried it on.

Ashton frowned.

The door opened and a woman came in. "Are you Ashton Irwin?" She asked, holding her hand behind her back.

Luke laughed and shook his head. "Oh I wish, no, I'm.....actually, yes. I am. Can I help you?"

They gasped as the lady pulled a gun.

"You can shut up and follow me." And Luke followed.

"Luke!" Calum cried.

"Who is that bitch?!" Mikey exclaimed.

"Why did he take my place?" Ashton wondered.

"Again, who is that bitch?!" Michael asked.

Ashton shook his head. "I have no idea, but its my fault she has Luke, so I'll help you find him."

Calum wiped a tear. "He's too little to be out there on his own. He's going to do something stupid again and probably will get himself shot."

"Probably." Ashton agreed. "Let me tell my manager what happened, maybe security saw the vehicle or something."

He got up and left.

Mikey started going through Ashtons clothes. Calum glared. "Mikey! Don't stoop to Luke's level!"

"Hey, if Luke is going to get us into this mess then I'm going to at least get something out of it. How much do you think a celebrities underwear sells for?"

The door opened again and Ashton poked his head in. "Hey, I forgot to ask, do you guys want anything to-...what are you doing with my underwear?"

Michael shrugged and slowly placed the underwear back on the floor.

"Hey wait!" Calum suddenly jumped up. "Last time I called Luke the lady picked up! Maybe we can trace the call if I call her again!"

He quickly dialed the number and they huddled around the phone.

It picked up on the last ring.

"Hello?" The woman growled. "Call me one more time and I will destroy this phone."

"No!" Luke cried in the distance. "I still have payments on it!"

"Luke!" Calum gasped. "Where are you?!"

Luke sighed heavily. "For the last time, my name is Ashton. Ashton Irwin to be exact. Middle names Fletcher, always has been, always will be."

"Luke-" Calum groaned.

-secondly, if you're just gunna yell at me, hang up now because I will not have you get this phone ruined because you wanna play Yell At Luke Cuz He Fucked Up, second edition."

"Luke seriously, tell me where you-"

"Wait." The lady interrupted Calum. "You just said your name was Luke."

There was silence on both sides of the phone.

Ashton suddenly grabbed the phone from Calum. "Hey! Look lady, he's not actually Ashton Irwin. I am. He was in my dressing room when you came in and he took my place for some stupid reason and now you have something we want, and we have sonething you want."

"I'm listening." The lady said.

"Please don't break my phone, please don't break my phone." Luke whispered in the background.

"Lets trade. Me for Luke. Midnight tonight, at the bell tower. No guns, no security or outsiders." Ashton said, keeping Mikey and Calum away from the phone with his free hand.

The lady clicked her gun as she thought. "How can I be sure you won't call the cops or bring help?"

"If you see something you don't like, you can shoot me." Ashton said, slap fighting Mikey. "Do we have a deal?"

"Deal." The woman said after a moment.

"Bye Ashton! Ride me later!" Luke called as the lady hung up.

Ashton blushed at the phone.

"You idiot!" Calum shouted. "She's going to kill you now and Luke's probably dead by now!"

"She won't kill him as long as she needs him." Ashton said, handing the phone back. "Haven't you ever seen Criminal Minds?"

"Luke has worser luck than Reid." Mikey said. "He's going to die."

Calum groaned and fell back on the couch. "We're all going to die tonight."

-

"Whoa, where we going?" Luke asked, sticking his arms out as he walked blindfolded.

The lady sighed. "I can't wait for you to die."

Luke frowned and stumbled. "That was rude. Excuse you."

He crashed into a pole. "Son of a whore!" He shouted and the lady shushed him.

"The real Ashton will be here any moment. Shut up before you blow our cover."

"Why are we hiding?" He whispered as he sat on the ground. He felt around with his hands and picked up a rock. He drew on the dirt with it while he waited.

"Shut up." She hissed. "I'm going to kill you after this exchange is done."

"Please don't."

"Luke!"

Luke looked up as his name was called. "Ay?"

The lady shushed him again. "You don't get to talk."

Luke snorted. "I'm about to die. I should think I get to talk."

"Luke?" Ashton called. "Is that you?"

"Yeah! I'm just chilling- ow! Hey that was rude."

"Who are you?" Ashton asked, cocking his head as he walked closer.

"It's me, Luke." Luke said.

Ashton rolled his eyes. "I meant the lady, stupid."

"Oh." Luke went back to drawing. "Well then."

"I was sent to kill you." The lady said, stepping out of the shadows of the bell tower and aiming the gun at Ashton.

"That doesnt answer his question." Luke called out. He lifted up his blindfold to see his drawing.

Ashton raised his hands up halfway into the air as he stared at the gun. "I thought we agreed on no guns?"

The lady smiled. "How was I supposed to shoot you when I saw something I didn't like if I couldnt bring a gun?"

"Do you see something you don't like?" Ashton asked.

"Pst! Ashton!" Luke whispered loudly. "You wouldn't happen to have a crayon on you, would you?"

Ashton quickly looked over at Luke. "Uh, no. Sorry."

The lady sighed. "I thought I told you to shut up."

Luke stood up and wiped the dirt off his hands. "If you could just not tell me to shut up, that'd be great. You're never gunna get a boyfriend if you continue to be so controlling."

The lady pointed the gun at him. "That's it. I'm killing you now." There was a loud bang as the trigger was pulled.

Luke gasped and stumbled back.

He looked over at Ashton, who was glaring at the lady, the tip if his gun still smoking as he kept it aimed at the lady.

The woman fell backwards and was still.

Luke ran over to Ashton and hugged him tightly. "Oh jeez that was hot. Are you gunna ride me here or at your house?"

Ashton clicked his tongue and lowered his gun. "I'll think about it and get back to you, how's that?"

Luke shrugged as they started walking back. "I'm good anywhere really."

Ashton laughed. He smiled fondly down at Luke. "You're gunna go far kid."

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idk im tired