"Ashton, how much weed should I put in the brownies?"

"An amount that's smalla than a bug."

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A fan gave Luke and Ashton some pot at a signing and now they were at home, baking it into brownies.

Luke was a giggly mess. "My moms gunna kill me if she finds out you know."

Ashton sat on the counter. "Then don't do it."

"I can't believe you're making me do this." Luke said as he dumped some into the batter. He pinched out a handful and ate it.

"I'm not! You kept insisting to do it!" Ashton exclaimed.

"You're gunna kill me one day." Luke said as he slid the pan into the oven. "I really can't believe you wanted to eat pot brownies with me so bad that I could die from it."

"You need to shut the fuck up before I slap you the fuck up." Ashton growled.

Luke kept checking on the brownies every ten seconds. "I'm not scared."

"I never said you were."

"You think I'm too chicken to eat them all don't you?"

"What, no!" Ashton jumped off the counter.

"Fine! I'll eat them all!" Luke threw his hands in the air. "Quit daring me to already!"

"Literally take twelve steps away from me before I fuck you off a cliff."

Luke peeked inside the oven. "God Ashton, don't be impatient."

"You shouldn't have eaten that pot." Ashton rolled his eyes.

"Did you just say we should get naked?" Luke took off his shirt. "Okay fine, but only because you're threatning me too."

Ashton put his head in his hand and groaned. "This was a bad idea."

"I'm not fat!" Luke gasped. He took off his pants and started dancing. "Just look at me!"

Ashton went to the oven and pulled out the brownies when they were ready. "Put your clothes on Lucas."

"I've changed my name, actually." Luke said, fiddling with the toaster.

"Did you now?" Ashton said, cutting the brownies.

"Yes, I'm Lukas now."

"What's the difference?" Ashton asked.

"It's Skottish." Luke said.

Ashton just rolled his eyes.

Luke walked over and pinched Ashton's ass. "Hey Ash, you're gay right?"

Ashton slapped his hands away and shoved a brownie into Luke's mouth.

Luke chewed and swallowed. "Can you be my gay best friend?"

"Luke, you're gay too." Ashton said in exasperation, taking a brownie for himself.

Luke burst out in tears. "Why would you tell everyone that?! It was cozy in the closet!" He finished the rest of the brownie and grabbed another. "Do cats know they are cats?"

"They think all other organisms are cats." Ashton shrugged.

"But they don't know us," Luke reminded him.

"Yes they do, we have two."

"Does that make us parents?" Luke gasped.

"Uh...sure." Ashton shrugged again and took another bite.

"You're the daddy." Luke giggled.

Ashton shivered. "Damn right."

"You can be the boss daddy, you can be the boss." Luke sang as he spun in circles. He stopped suddenly and stared at Ashton. "What if Modest! Management actually supports Larry?"

"What if you stopped being annoying?"

"Like, they ship it, but they truly believe that it's better they keep the relationship a secret?"

"Like, you annoy me, but I don't have a shovel to bury you with."

"I'm glad we could have this therapy session." Luke sighed. "You wanna know something funny?" He asked around a mouthful of brownie.

"You never got you pen license?"

"Why would you bring up that sensitive topic?" Luke sounded hurt, but then he brightened up. "Can I tell you a secret?"

"No Luke, I don't want to see your dick." Ashton sighed as Luke leaned in.

"Guess what." Luke whispered. "I have to tell you something. Something very important."

"What?" Ashton asked.

Luke waited a full minute before responding. "You're a lil bitch."

Ashton glared and pushed Luke off him. "Here is my advice, get the fuck out."

"Sorry daddy." Luke started spinning again. "What if I had a muliple personality disorder and one part of me was suicidal, would that make the other part of me a hostage?"

"Let's find out." Ashton grabbed a kitchen knife.

Luke stopped spinning and stumbled into Ashton. Ashton sighed and put the knife away.

"Why do you have so many bandanas? Is it some sort of fetish?" Luke asked, petting Ashton's red bandana. "Do you have a bandana kink?"

"Maybe, maybe not." Ashton pushed Luke off him.

"How come you aren't on cloud nine yet?" Luke pouted, throwing a brownie at Ashton.

"I am, but I can keep it under control better than you." Ashton said.

"If you watch a Skrillex lyric video, are you reading dubstep?" Luke wondered aloud.

"If you avoided the center of the Earth, would you still get to China?" Ashton countered.

"Who tops in Malum?"

"Definetly Michael."

"I am offended you think that."

Ashton snorted. "Don't tell me you actually think Calum tops!"

"He tops and he's damn good at it." Luke said. "He humps everything, he's a natural top." Luke banged two pans together, making lots of noise.

Ashton shook his head. "Mikey is bigger, and he's daddy."

"Daddy."

Ashton and Luke turned to the doorway of the kitchen, where Calum was smirking at Michael.

Michael glared at Ashton. "Thanks, fellow daddy."

Ashton giggled and shrugged.

"Calum your dick is smalla than a bug." Luke blurted out.

Michael burst out laughing and smirked at Calum. "Bug."

"Are those pot brownies?" Calum interrupted, pointing at the stove.

"No, they're weed brownies." Luke said.

Ashton sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Can I have some?" Calum asked.

"No because you get horny when you're high." Ashton reminded him.

"So...can I have some?" Calum asked again.

"Don't worry Ash, I'll help him." Michael winked as Calum grabbed the pan of brownies.

"Help with what? Can I help too?" Luke asked, banging a wooden spoon against Ashton's head.

"No, Calum's mine. Shut up Luke." Michael stuck his tongue out and hugged Calum.

Luke pouted and started hitting the spoon harder against Ashton.

"You have an annoying little tendency, you know." Ashton said irritably.

"Oh yeah?" Luke smiled. "What's that?"

"You're irritating as fuck and I hate you."

Luke giggled. "You're so cute when you say sweet things like that."

Ashton grabbed the spoon and smacked Luke with it.

"You're a kinky fucker." Luke winked.

Ashton rolled his eyes and shoved the spoon down Luke's underwear.

"Instead of Smash, you should be called Daddy. I would love that superhero." Luke said, shaking his bum to try and dislodge the spoon from his underwear.

"Everything you do annoys me."

"And yet, somehow, I'm your favorite." Luke grinned.

"Don't make me change my mind." Ashton warned.

"You should change you hair back to fetus Ashton." Luke said, finally managing to get the spoon out. He threw it in the sink. "That was hot."

"Mhm." Ashton said, pulling Luke away from the window.

"Why won't you let me fly?" Luke pouted.

"There's not enough moisture in the air." Ashton said, closing the window.

"Hey Ashton?" Luke said, laying on the couch. Ashton sat beside him. "What Luke?"

Luke threw his arm over his eyes. "Will you please bang me like you bang your drums?"

"No."

Luke whined and kicked his legs. "Why not, daddy?"

"That's too rough." Ashton said. "And you're high, it's not right."

Luke sighed. "Quit being so perfect."

"Make me."

"Potter."

"What?"

"Oh sorry, I thought we were saying things that make the atmosphere sexually tense." Luke sat up. "I'm moving to Antarctica to become a penguin."

"Pack warm clothes." Ashton said.

"You're so cute, you're smaller than me but you're older." Luke tackled Ashton. "Cutie pie."

"I'm not cute!" Ashton argued.

Luke just laughed, then sighed. "Can I do your hair?"

"Absolutely not."

Luke pouted. "Why not? And why aren't you ever naked?"

"I-because, what?" Ashton blinked and Luke jumped on him again.

"Please! I'll do a good job and your hair will look so good when I'm done!" Luke pleaded, poking Ashton's cheeks.

Ashton sighed. "Fine."

Luke cheered and pulled Ashton to his feet. "Sit on the couch and get naked, I'll be right back."

Ashton sat down on the couch. "I'm not getting naked Lu-"

Luke started screaming and crying and Ashton covered his ears. "Okay okay fine! I'll take my shirt off!"

Luke giggled and ran upstairs to grab a brush.

He ran back down and got behind Ashton. "I'm going to quiff your hair like mine!"

Ashton snorted. "Good luck."

Luke poked his tongue out and went to work.

Five minutes later, he was nowhere near his goal and he threw the brush across the room in frustration. "Your hair really is unquiffable!"

"Tell me it isn't true, doctor." Ashton rolled his eyes and smoothed his hands over his hair, trying to fix the mess Luke made.

"You set me up you little shit." Luke pouted.

"Hey don't swear." Ashton said.

Luke jumped onto Ashton's lap.

"I'm tired. Tell me a story."

"Once a pon a time, there was a boy named Luke. He was super very much sexy as fuck. He was very famous and lots of people loved him. But there was one person who was annoyed by Luke. His name was Michael and he told Luke to shut up a lot. Luke didn't like that, and whatever Luke didn't like, Ashton didn't like either because Ashton cared a lot for Luke. So Ashton hatched a plan to get back at Michael. He paid a fan to give Luke some weed at a signing. The fan did it and Luke put the weed in some brownie batter, just like Ashton knew he would. Then, he made sure Michael and Calum were home and that they would come down to investigate when they heard lots of noise, because Ashton knew Luke got very loud when he was high. They came down, and Ashton made sure Calum took some, using reverse psychology. As expected, Calum took it and Michael went with Calum. Now, Michael is stuck with a horny Calum until the pot wears off." Ashton said, gently pulling on Luke's hair.

Luke looked up at Ashton. "But...Luke and Ashton took some of the pot brownies too!" Ashton shook his head. "Ashton only pretended to eat it, so Luke wouldn't be suspicious."

"But...why did Ashton let Luke eat some? Why didn't he just give it all to Calum and Michael?" Luke questioned.

"Because Luke is cute when he's high." Ashton smiled. "But now Luke should go to bed because he's going to have a killer headache when he wakes up tomorrow." He stood up, carrying Luke bridal style to Luke's room, where he laid Luke down and tucked him in.

Luke yawned. "I liked that story."

Ashton smiled and flicked off the lights. "Me too."

He shut the door and walked past Calum's room, where muffled screams were coming from.

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WHO EVER KEEPS SENDING ME PICS OF BABIES NEEDS TO STOP BECAUSE SOME OF THEM ARE ACTUALLY SCARY