Story: Vengeance of the Cursed Prince (IC)
Author: Riyabangtanff

you visited the... Contortionist

Reviewer: Hershey_297

ꗃ﹕❜Title: 5/5
ꗃ﹕❜ No complaints about the title! It's perfect and suits the blurb I read.

ꗃ﹕❜Cover: 10/10
ꗃ﹕❜ The cover is simple and effective. The font for "vengeance" does give off a bit of a sci-fi vibe, so it threw me off a bit. This book is about the prince of an empire, so I would suggest something a bit more old-timely.  

ꗃ﹕❜Blurb: 2/10
ꗃ﹕❜ Ok, there are a few mistakes I need to break down, specifically grammar. You mentioned that you wanted the review to be focused on grammar and plot, so I'll do that here.

₊˚✧ His last name needs to be capitalized as well. So it should be, "Jeon Jungkook."

₊˚✧ I think "the prince of Jeon empire" could be rephrased better. Instead, it could just be "Prince of Jeon."

₊˚✧ The part after that can also be reduced as well. There are too many extra words that you can read the sentence without. "The Empire of the Supernatural," has a nice ring to it.

₊˚✧ This is a rewritten version of the first sentence: "Jeon Jungkook, Prince of Jeon, the empire of the supernatural." Of course, this is just a suggestion, but this is how I would break it down.

₊˚✧ The next sentence seems a bit abrupt. I feel like you can go into a little bit of detail about his personality before going into the fact that he got married. Was he cruel? Was he nice?

₊˚✧ You need to add a space after you place a period. You also need a comma after "peacefully."

₊˚✧ Ok so, there's a line that says "Faith betrayed them..." but the thing is, it seems like Faith is a person who has fallen to the evil witch. I would change that to "Faith betrayed them, causing their brutal death at the hands of an evil witch."

₊˚✧ Again, you need spaces after a period, but not before. The format should be something like this: Something here. Something here, blank.

₊˚✧ The next part says he was cursed to be trapped in a room, but that was never mentioned before. I would mention it during the part where it says they were trapped by an evil witch. It also says that "they" were killed brutally, implying that both of them are dead. I wouldn't say they died since they're coming back to the modern world here.

₊˚✧ You don't need a comma after "cursed." It would be: "[...] cursed by a mere schoolgirl."

₊˚✧ You can explain why he wants revenge. What did he do to be cursed? Why does he need to find the princess to get his revenge? You can answer these questions in your blurb without giving too much away.

₊˚✧ "Faith" is capitalized again, but I'm unsure why. Unless it was intentional, I would lowercase it. If it was intentional, I would explain why without spoiling the story. If Faith is a person, make it more clear.

ꗃ﹕❜First Impression: 10/15
ꗃ﹕❜ So far, the title and cover are amazing. The blurb needs the most work here. It has a lot of grammar errors that can easily be corrected. It seems like you've typed it directly onto Wattpad, so I would recommend using Google Docs. It will correct these mistakes automatically or suggest changes. I've also rewritten a few sentences above, so I would take a look at those. All those things aside, you have managed to create a blurb with a hook! It just needs to be executed correctly. Hopefully, these changes help!

ꗃ﹕❜First Chapter: 2/10
ꗃ﹕❜ At first glance, I see quite a few issues. There are wrong tenses and a lot of telling instead of showing. This seems to be in the second person's POV, and I can confidently say... avoid this tense at all costs. I understand that this is a y/n story, but the second person is always strange. It's harder to write in, and I can only think of one show/book that uses this tense. This POV tends to restrict a lot of things you can do. My advice would be to do the first person. It would have the same y/n effect without the confusion. On the same note, I won't speak about this again because I'm not used to reading it at all.             
                               The grammar needs a major revision. There are parts with correct grammar, but then it changes multiple times to the wrong version. There are a few things I need to go over: Grammar, show not tell, incorrect tenses, and plot.

₊˚✧ The first line really confuses me. "A morning," I don't know what you're trying to say here. I think you meant to say "One morning," but why is there a comma at the end, and then a line skip? Unless you're going to describe how the morning looks in detail, combine the two lines."One morning, you came out after taking a long shower." (Little disclaimer: If I point out a tense error that's not actually true, it's most likely because I assumed it was in 1st person's POV on accident. Feel free to correct me if that happens.)

₊˚✧ I mentioned this while giving pointers about your blurb. You don't need a space before your period. The format should be something like this: Something here. Something here, blank.

₊˚✧ I would describe the uniform a bit more. What color is it? Also, it should be "knees" not "knee" because you would have two.

₊˚✧ Why is she suddenly changing into her dress? If she was planning to do that all along, it's not considered sudden. Instead, you could say "You rushed to change..."

₊˚✧ Ok so, the tense shifts in the second paragraph. It goes from past tense to present then back to past tense in the next paragraph. "Is" is present tense, so it would be changed to "was." "Picks" is present tense, so it would be changed to "picked."

₊˚✧ You don't have to say the floor was wet. This is an example of telling instead of showing. If she was cleaning the floor, people would assume it was wet. You could say she was mopping the floor, then it would be more self-explanatory that the floor is wet.

₊˚✧ Usually when someone falls on the floor, the word "thud" is more accurate.

₊˚✧ "Turn" is present tense, so it should be "turned."

₊˚✧ You need spaces after commas. Just not before the comma.

₊˚✧ "Shut it bish." you said while getting up from the floor. There's a lot wrong with this here. There should be a comma inside the quotes. "Get" is present tense, so it should be "got." There should be a comma after "it" because there is a "name" after it. If it was corrected, it would look like this: "Shut it, bish," you said while getting up from the floor, [...]

₊˚✧ There are too many ellipses (those are the "..."). I would remove a lot of them and just keep a few. There shouldn't be more than one in each sentence. I would suggest not putting them back to back. Sometimes there are only two dots instead of three. So you should change those to three dots.

₊˚✧ There's a lot to point out, so I'll just skip to the end. (This is the part in Jeju.) - "Again" is spelled wrong.- The change is really sudden. It seems as if you're imagining this as a movie. I would introduce this later in the book.- I'm not sure why it says "Meanwhile in Jeju," you need to switch scenes by explaining and connecting them. This scene just seems like it was placed here to introduce the plot in a really obvious way. As a reader, I can predict the storyline from here, so make it a little different. I would also suggest plot twists throughout the book.

₊˚✧ Most of these issues can be fixed by simply putting the text into some sort of editing software. I would suggest learning about dialogue tags, ellipses (...), tenses, and sentence structure because those are the major issues I see.

₊˚✧ Chapter two suddenly went into 1st person's POV. I wouldn't change POVs halfway through. I now see what you were trying to do in the first chapter. Use third-person POV for that if you'd like. Still, I wouldn't change tenses as it is confusing.

ꗃ﹕❜Plot: 12/20
ꗃ﹕❜ 
- The beginning was pretty good. Aside from the grammar errors that made it difficult to read, the plot was there.
- For some reason, all the events feel heavily coincidental. They happen so suddenly and
without warning, so much so that it becomes slightly unbelievable.
- I'm a bit confused about how he knows someone in the modern world. How could he navigate it so easily and fit in with ease? I would highly suggest against making him all-knowing to explain that aspect.

- I think you should build your characters a bit more before going into this aspect. So far, I don't really feel empathy for any of them because we haven't seen anything to root for. Give the main character a bigger flaw or even trauma to build emotional support from readers.

- I'm confused why Lisa suddenly wants to kill y/n. Why does she just shove her off a cliff? If she's afraid, then she shouldn't be getting rid of the people who will probably keep her alive. Is it a dream? Why does she think they're going to do this?

- It feels pretty predictable so far, so I would try to make it your own story.

ꗃ﹕❜Elements I really liked: 
₊˚✧ The title
₊˚✧ The cover

ꗃ﹕❜Overall: 41/70
ꗃ﹕❜Sorry if it felt like I was being harsh in any way! I was just giving an unbiased opinion on your story and how to improve it. With that said, I would highly suggest watching tutorials on how to do grammar and trying to edit your first chapter with all the suggestions I gave. It might help you grasp the concepts of grammar a bit better. As for the plot, I wasn't able to read past chapter 5 due to time constraints. It was difficult to read your story at times, I must admit. Half the time, I had no idea what was going on, and it was hard to follow. You also seem to be writing this as if it were a movie script, so I would avoid that.

Do tell us if the review helped, And -
- follow your reviewer
- vote on this chapter

Anyway, I hope this helps you improve your story! Keep writing!
Words from your Cotorsionist