This is a sad one. You've been warned. I was in a sad mood and I just thought of it. So I'm sorry in advance. Like literally so sorry.

Trigger warnings ⚠️: Mentions of death and slight mentions of car crash (nothing major).

3rd person P.O.V

The doorbell rang.

Harry got up from where he was sat in the living room and slowly walked towards the front door, his hands hiding in the large hoodie he was wearing.

He hesitated before he opened the door. Did he really want to see anyone right now? He'd had enough sympathy. He'd had enough of people telling him they were sorry. Sorry wouldn't do shit.

He wanted people to leave him alone for a while. He needed to think. To breathe.

Just when he thought he was going to turn around and head back to the living room he reached out and opened the door.

"Hey mate." Niall and Liam were stood in the doorway. "Zayn would have come but he's busy today."

Harry didn't say anything. He just stood there staring at them. He didn't invite them so he had no interest of letting them in.

"How are you?" Liam asked, swapping his car keys between his hands.

"Fine." Harry answered hiding his hands in his hoodie pocket while Liam nodded slowly.

"We came to see if you have decided yet?"

"Decided what?"

"If your moving." Niall clarified, speaking slowly as if he was talking to a child.

Harry looked away from them. His chest aching. He'd had a conversation with his mum a few weeks ago about moving. After Louis'... accident. He'd felt trapped in grief and ache. His mum had suggested moving out of the house they shared, trying to move on.

Harry couldn't even fathom moving on, Louis was everything. He never thought he'd have to move on. He told her he'd decide later with no intention of actually thinking about it at all.

"No." Harry answered plainly, pushing other thoughts away as he looked back to his friends.

Liam and Niall looked at eachother, seeming to have a conversation without uttering a single word. "Harry." Liams tone was that of a parent trying to explain something sad to a child. "Don't you think you should?" He looked at Niall as if asking him to continue. when the Irish man didn't Liam sighed. "It's been a while since he died, you should try to move on-"

"Don't tell me what to do." Harry snapped, his throat closing. "You have no right," he gritted his teeth and stepped forward, "to come here and tell me to move on."

"Harry," Niall said softly, trying to calm his friend down, "we know you're hurting but-"

"You don't know shit!" Harry yelled, his eyes bloodshot and teary. "You cannot say you understand how I feel!" He stepped further towards them. "You didn't lose him the way I lost him. You can move on and continue with your lives. I can't." Tears fell from his eyes. "You can't come to my house, and tell me to move on. My husband died. The person I've loved for sixteen years. I will move on when I want. Not when you tell me to."

"I'm sorry, H, we shouldn't have-"

"You shouldn't." Harry turned around. "You can go."

"Harry, please-"

Harry closed the door. His chest was so tight it felt like it was crushing his organs, his hands were shaking so badly he wouldn't be able to pick up anything if he tried to.

He stayed stood in place staring at the blank white wall in front of him, his chest heaving as he tried to breathe with tears falling down his place cheeks.

Louis had died six months ago. There was an accident when he was driving home from work, he'd been hit by another driver which caused his car to spin off the road. He was announced dead at the scene.

Harry got the call not long after. He was waiting at home when his phone rang, he picked it up expecting it to be one of his managers but it wasn't. Sound stopped. The world stopped. Harry felt like everything froze when he was told what happened.

He felt his heart get ripped from his body, each tear causing him to cry in pain as his body tried to keep him upright.

The world had mourned for Louis for a while. There was a funeral.

But then people began to move on, find reasons to be happy and laugh again. Harry didn't find reasons. He couldn't move on. Louis was his everything, and without him Harry didn't know how to live.

He'd never pictured a life without Louis. Now he was living it, having to heave air into his lungs every day when he knew that Louis was his oxygen. It was pointless.

Everyday he woke up in their bed. In their room. In their house. Everywhere he went he saw Louis, everything he used was part of their life together and no matter what he did he couldn't escape the pain.

It followed him like a shadow, hanging onto his back like an extra piece of clothing and refused to leave. Grief was a horrible thing.

Harry managed to pick himself up and amble back into the living room. There was no other option.

~

A few days later Harry was sick of feeling like he was drowning. Sick of feeling like the waves kept crashing into him and pulling him under the surface without giving him a chance to breathe.

He needed to breathe. But he didn't know how. Everywhere he went another wave of pain grabbed ahold of him.

He had even began thinking about what his mother had said. He had a house he never sold. He used to live there before he moved in with Louis years ago. It was untouched by their relationship. It would have no memories that we're trying to drown him.

Maybe he would be better there. But then he remembered he'd be leaving their house behind. He didn't know if he could do that. It was his last piece of Louis. And he didn't know if he could give that up.

But maybe everyone was right. Maybe he needed to try to move on and he couldn't do that in their house.

He needed to find the strength to finally let go. And try to continue. Even thinking about it caused his entire body to sting and he felt guilty.

He just wished he could speak to Louis one last time. To hear his voice one last time, to feel his touch one last time. To get to say goodbye.

He needed Louis.

~

Another week passed and after a particularly hard day, Harry had decided that he was going to move back into his old house. It wasn't an easy decision. But being here everyday, in their house, it was killing him.

They bought this house to live together in, he can't live here alone or with anyone else it wouldn't be right. He needed to stop feeling like this. He needed to try.

He still had no intention of moving on, Louis was his person. He wouldn't be moving on for a while, maybe never, but he did what to try and live. To try and laugh again, to feel something other than unbearable pain and agony.

And it started with his old house where he would be able to walk into the kitchen and not have an overwhelming feeling of sadness because of a memory that decided to plague his head.

He had begun packing last night but stopped rather soon when he realised packing things up brought all the memories to the surface, even clearer than normal and he couldn't deal with it.

But today he planned to pack up most of the stuff he was taking to his old house. He wanted to move soon.

He grabbed another box and walked into the living room, dropping it to the floor as he looked around, trying to find things he wanted to take.

The idea was to leave most stuff here, otherwise he'd just be bringing the sadness with him. But he wanted to take some things, important things he couldn't leave.

His eyes caught sight of a painting on the wall of a dog in the style of pop art. He almost smiled. It was the first painting -actually the first anything- they bought for their house.

Fourteen years ago

Louis tilted his head to the side as his eyes scanned over the painting at another angle. Harry did the same next to him. Both of them stood in the middle of the store with their arms crossed over their chests studying the rather bold painting.

"That's not going in our house." Louis stated, breaking the silence as he stood straight again.

"It's not that bad, Lou." Harry defended, a smile on his face as he watched Louis' expression.

"Are we seeing the same thing?" He asked motioning to the painting. "It looks hideous."

"But it'll be the first thing we buy for our house." Harry turned his body towards Louis whose eyes softened when he looked into vibrant green ones.

"I'll buy you toaster, how about that?"

Harry let out a loud laugh and shook his head, leaned his body against Louis' side and looked back to the painting. "I think it'd look good in the living room."

"H, we don't even have furniture yet and you want to buy a painting?"

"It would be a good first buy. And we'll always remember it as the first thing we ever bought."

"So it's fine that we'll have to sleep on the floor and eat without bowls and cutlery because we have an ugly dog to hang up in the living room?"

"Don't be so dramatic." Harry nudged his hip. "We'll get other stuff today."

Louis looked between Harry and the painting.

"Please, Lou, I think it'll go well." The younger lad entwined their hands and smiled, dimples and all. Louis couldn't deny that.

"Alright. Go grab it you weirdo." Louis chuckled, quickly leaning forward to kiss Harry's lips before letting him go so he could get the painting. Truthfully he didn't care that it wasn't the most appealing painting to look at. He liked that it was going in their house. And it was now theirs.

Their weirdly vibrant painting.

Harry had a weird feeling that he should take the painting with him. As much as Louis said he hated it, he didn't complain when he had to put it up on the wall and showed it to everyone who walked into their house for the first time, saying it was their first purchase.

Harry stepped forward and reached his hand out to gently run his fingers along the edge of the painting, feeling the little bumps of paint underneath the pad of his forefinger.

Taking a deep lungful of air he turned away from the painting and began grabbing some other things, like pictures and awards they'd won before placing them into the box.

Harry finished packing everything he wanted from the living room and moved into their music room. They had a spare room and decided to turn it a little studio filled with instruments and mics and a little area to write songs.

Harry came in here a lot after Louis died because it felt safe. He'd sometimes lie on the couch in the corner with his head on Louis' hoodie that still carried his smell and just watch the raindrops race each other down the window.

He grabbed his guitar and picked up a few of the notebooks that had been strewn about on the floor. He also picked up Louis' guitar, he'd decided he'd take it with him because Louis loved his guitar and Harry wouldn't leave it to gather dust.

He was about to leave the room when he took a moment to look around. The walls were white but there was paint splatters of five other colours on the wall too.

Harry placed both guitars down on the couch and looked at the two handprints on the wall by the door, his shoulders slumping as he dropped his body onto the leather seat behind him.

Fourteen years ago

Louis walked into the soon-to-be music room and paused when he saw his boyfriend just standing in the middle of the room with his hands on his hips. "Uhh, babe? Whatcha doing?" He asked, a smile on his lips as he closed the door behind him.

Harry turned around at the sound of his voice and smiled at him before going back to looking distressed. "I don't know what colour to do." He mumbled, looking down at the floor where five paint cans sat.

Red, yellow, green, blue and purple.

"Why'd you buy five different colours?" He was trying to contain his laughter at seeing how stressed Harry was over paint.

"Because I didn't know which one I wanted to do!" Harry let his arms drop down to his side. "Help me? Please?"

Louis nodded and stepped further into the room, the newspaper Harry had put down crinkling under his feet. Next to each paint can was a wet paint brush covered in the colour.

"Have you tested them on the wall yet?" Louis asked, stepping down to pick up the blue paint brush. Twisting it around in his hand, the blue paint dripping to the floor.

"No, not yet." Harry stood back, with his hands on his hips as he watched Louis.

Just as Louis went to touch the brush to the plain wall he turned around and flicked the brush in his boyfriends direction causing blue paint to splatter all over the boys' clothes and face.

Harry's mouth dropped open as Louis began laughing and reached down to dip the paintbrush into the blue paint but Harry was quicker and came up behind him, grabbing the paintbrush out of his hand and pressing the paint-covered bristles to Louis' cheek- dragging a blue paint streak down to his neck.

Louis wriggled his way out of Harry's grip and grabbed the red paint brush as Harry dropped the blue one and grabbed the green one that was dripping with fresh paint.

They both ran around the room, flicking paint at each other and laughing as they tried to hide. "Wait-Louis!" Harry yelled when he noticed something out of his peripheral vision.

Louis stopped from where he was about to drag the purple paint brush down Harry's back and looked to where Harry was staring. "What?"

"The wall." He sighed defeatedly. "We got it on the wall."

Louis saw the paint splatters covering one of the walls and tilted his head. "It doesn't look that bad." Harry made a noise of disagreement, dropping his hand that was holding the paintbrush to his side. "Don't worry, love," Louis spoke stepping closer, "we can just paint it white again."

Harry was about to respond when he felt something wet streak down his back, from his neck to his spine. His mouth dropped open and he froze before turning to face a laughing Louis.

Louis was too busy laughing to notice Harry grabbing the green paintbrush, dipping it into the paint and then flicking it directly at him. Paint splattered the wall behind him as well as covering Louis' face and getting into his hair.

Harry let out a loud laugh and went to grab the paint bucket as Louis sprung into action and grabbed the yellow paint bucket.

They ran around the room for another ten minutes continuing to cover each other head to toe in paint and also successfully getting each wall covered in different coloured paint splatters.

Once most of the paint had been emptied on either the floor, walls or them they sat down in the middle of the room. They were leaning their backs against each other as they looked around the room.

"Yknow..." Harry spoke up, with paint covered on his face and in his curls, "I think I actually like it."

Louis hummed, equally covered in paint. "Me too."

They stayed silent for a second longer before Louis leant forward and grabbed the blue paint brush.

"Lou, no." Harry groaned. "I'm already so covered in paint that it'll probably never come off."

Louis ignored him and moved to the wall furthest from the door. He brought the paint brush up to the wall and carefully made a heart.

Harry's chest swelled when he saw what Louis was doing and watched as he then painted 'H+L' into the middle of it.

"Now it looks even better." Louis smiled at it, even though the heart looked a little wonky and the 'L' was streaky they both looked at it like it was the best thing they'd ever seen.

Harry grabbed Louis' hand and walked him over to the last two paint pots that weren't empty. He dipped Louis' hand into it and then pressed it to the wall next to the door. Louis kept it pressed there as Harry did the same in the other colour and put his hand beside his boyfriends.

When they pulled their hands away there remained two colourful handprints. "I think we're done with this room. It looks perfect."

Louis nodded and entwined their hands despite the wet paint on them. The green and blue on their palms met and merged together as they walked out of the room and up to their bedroom.

Harry wiped the tear that fell from his eye and grabbed both the guitars, not looking at the heart that sat proudly on the wall, and walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

He had just placed both the guitars onto the coffee table in the living room when his phone started ringing in his pocket. He debated wether or not to answer it but when he plucked it out and saw it was his mother he decided he probably should speak to her.

"Hey honey." Anne spoke softly the second Harry answered the phone. "How are you?" She knew that Harry was planning to move as he'd texted her last night.

"Fine." Harry answered gruffly, his voice deep and croaky from barely using it.

"How's the packing coming along?"

"Umm, I just finished the music room. And living room too." He mumbled, sitting down on the couch, his fingers pulling at a loose thread in the fabric.

"Good. That's good, honey." Anne took a deep breath in before speaking again. "Do you need some help, I could come over?"

Harry was quiet for a moment, his eyes staring at a point on the fireplace covered with a few photos and other mementos. "No, I'm- I need to do this alone."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." Harry breathed out, his throat sounded clogged. "It's hard though, mum." He whispered. "Everywhere I go I see him. I can feel him and it's horrible. Because he's not actually here anymore."

Anne listened, without interrupting him, no matter how much she wanted to comfort her son. Even if he was thirty two, he was still her little boy.

"The only thing I can think is how unfair this all is." Harry tilted his head back in hopes to stop himself from crying. "It wasn't fair that he was taken from me. We weren't finished yet, mum. I had so many more years to love him."

"You can still love him for those years, Harry. You don't stop loving him just because he's not here anymore." Anne was trying her best not to get choked up as well, hearing her son so sad was punishing. And she missed Louis too. He was like her second son.

"But it's not the same is it. He won't know I'm still loving him." Harry looked at Louis' guitar and sighed. "If I could go back to that day and keep him in the house and not let him leave, I would go back everyday. Because this is torture. And I used to believe that everything happened for a reason. But I can't think of a reason why he'd be taken away from me, he was so good, mum."

Harry could hear his mothers sniffles over the phone as he wiped his own fallen tears away and continued. "He was the best person I'd ever known. He had so much good that it would just radiate from him. He was better than me y'know. He was better than all of us. He was never selfish, he raised money for charities anytime he could and he cared about helping everyone."

Harry bit his bottom lip to stop the sob that tried to leave his body. "So why didn't I get to keep him? Why is this life so fucking unfair that the good people get taken away, and the bad people don't."

"I don't know, my love. It is unfair, and I miss him too. He was the best for all of us. But no one will forget what he did, no one will forget how selfless he was. His actions will continue to live on."

Harry was quiet for a moment before a small sob fell from his lips as he stopped bothering to wipe his tears away. "But Mum, I think I'm a bad person."

"Why, honey?"

"Because everyday I wish that it wasn't Louis that died, I wish it was the other guy. I wish that he didn't live. I wish that the roles were reversed. How messed up is that?" Harry cried. "I'm wishing this pain on someone else just so I can have Louis back."

"That's grief, Harry. It makes us think things. It makes us hurt. It turns us into people we may not like." Anne's breathing shuddered slightly, "But you are not a bad person. Not at all. You're just hurt. You're a grieving person. Not a bad one."

Harry couldn't get himself to believe her, maybe she was right but he wouldn't tell himself that. "I feel horrible packing away his things." Harry whispered into the phone after a moment of silence. "Like I'm trying to get rid of him or something. Pretend he was never here. And I feel horrid about it."

"You're not getting rid of him, Harry. That's not possible. You're simply taking things most important and moving to a place that you can continue to live and try to remember him and smile instead of feel pain. Louis would want what's best for you. He would want you to do whatever you needed to live." Anne tried to sound as strong as possible for her son, giving him someone to lean on. "And you will never be able to pretend he was never there because he made such an impact in your life. You were together for sixteen years, you don't just forget that. He lives in you. And I know the sadness hurts, but you don't want to push it away and pretended you don't feel it because then you push away all the good Louis gave you too. You acknowledge the sadness his memory brings you because it makes you remember how much he meant to you. It makes you remember the good and bad and everything in between. And only then you can move on. Pretending you don't feel sad or hurt only suppresses what you truly feel and then you'll never be happy."

Harry closed his eyes his heart feeling like it was in so many shattered pieces and it'd never be put back together. But when he was remembering the memory of painting and the music room he realised it seemed a little less like needles in his chest, and more like puzzle pieces trying to find the right places to settle and continuing to live with Louis' memory.

So maybe remembering him and their life was able to give him that tiny piece of closure he felt like he didn't get when Louis was taken so quickly. Maybe it will help him to become somewhat happy again.

"Thank you, mum." Harry shuddered out a breath as he opened his eyes and cleared his face of tears. "I should go but... thank you."

"Anytime, my love. I'll call you soon."

Harry hung up the phone and dropped the phone to his lap as he tried to breathe steadily again. His mum was right, acknowledging the sadness is better than trying to get rid of it. Because even though it hurts, it makes him human and may lead to him to being able to happy again.

~

It was just past 1pm when Harry's phone rang again and he reached over the kitchen counter to pick it up, looking at the name.

Niall.

Harry took a deep breath, rubbing his hand over the slight stubble on his face as he studied the screen. They hadn't spoken since Harry had shut the door in his and Liams just over a week ago.

With guilt settling into his stomach he sat down on the bar stool and accepted the call. "Hey."

"Harry, hey mate. I..." There was a nervous chuckle from Niall, "I almost didn't think you would answer."

Harry frowned and tilted his head down at the counter. "Yeah, I'm sorry. I know I haven't spoken to you in... a while."

"It's cool man. I know you're dealing with a lot." He paused for a moment. "Look, Liam and I are really sorry for last week. We shouldn't have tried to push it. It was too soon. We're just- we were worried about you, H."

"You don't need to be." Harry said quickly, realising the obvious lie. "I'm fine."

"Are you though?"

Harry knew Niall was just being a good friend but he'd been asked how he was for months and frankly he didn't want to answer the question anymore.

Niall seemed to know he wasn't going to answer and sighed. "If you need help with anything I don't mind coming over?"

Clearly he knew he was moving, Anne or someone else must have told him because Harry sure as hell didn't.

Harry was about to respond and tell him no but he stopped and looked at the box of photos he had to go through. Maybe this was one thing he needed someone around for. Maybe it was the one thing he couldn't do alone.

"Actually... I need to go through some photos, I thought I could do it alone but I don't think I can." He spoke quietly, letting go of the coldness he usually held in his voice.

"I'm free right now if you want me to come round?"

~

Harry was opening his door for Niall twenty minutes after the phone call ended.

"Hey, mate." Niall gingerly leaned in to hug his friend who accepted it - surprisingly.

Harry lead him to the box of photos which he had now moved to the living room and sat down on the couch as Niall looked around the bare room. "How many rooms have you already cleared out?" He asked as he sat down on the couch.

"Three." Harry answered, still looking at the box with unsure eyes. They had to go through and decided which ones Harry would take and hang up and which ones they'll put into a different box to go somewhere.

Niall noticed his hesitation and grabbed one of the framed pictures sticking out of the top.

"Hey, I took this photo." Niall smiled at it, running his finger along the black frame. "We all came to the studio to listen to your songs and Louis was supposed to stay sat next to me but he ended up getting up and trying to distract you from recording."

Harry leaned his head to look at the picture better, smiling sadly at the happier version of himself stood next to the forever handsome Louis.

Twelve years ago

"Louis, what are you doing?" Niall asked as he got up from the couch they were sat on and grabbed a pair of headphones so he could hear the recording.

"I'm just going to help him." Louis replied with a devilish grin.

"Yeah, sure." Sarcasm was one of Niall's most common ways to talk.

Harry smiled wider when Louis walked into the recording booth, waiting for his manager to play the backing track so he could try the second verse again.

"Hey you." Harry said softly as Louis walked towards him with a grin.

"Hey. You can still record I'm just going to..." Louis looked around and spotted a chair in the corner of the room, "sit there and look pretty for you."

Harry looked at him curiously. "Uh huh. That all?"

Louis nodded as he sat down on the chair, his eyes never leaving his boyfriends.

Harry began to record but kept laughing whenever he caught sight of Louis who looked deep in thought, nodding along seriously to the lyrics.

"This is why you're not allowed in here!" Harry laughed as Louis got up from his chair after the fifth failed attempt at recording the second verse. "You're a distraction."

Louis stepped closer so the couple were only a few centimetres apart. "I was not." He denied, smiling smugly at Harry as he tilted his head forward so their lips were almost touching but never actually let them. "I was simply listening to the lyrics and thinking how well they fit."

Harry looked between Louis' lips and his eyes, trying to focus when standing this close without kissing him. "You're a menace." He breathed out.

Louis tilted his head slightly, "I thought I was a distraction?"

Harry shook his head and leaned away before he kissed him. "You're both."

Louis was about to speak when Harry's managers voice came through the speaker. "Are you two finished? Or am I going to have to leave the room and give you guys a couple minutes?"

Both of them turned toward the glass and laughed when they saw his manager stood there with his eyebrows raised in question.

"We're fine, he's leaving." Harry laughed as he pushed Louis towards the door.

"You'll miss me!" Louis yelled before leaving the room and heading back to sit on the couch with Niall.

Harry swallowed and nodded towards the box at their feet. Seeing Louis' smile again, and hearing his voice in his head when looking at these pictures hurt more than he could explain. It made him want to cry.

Grief was funny like that. It turns even the good moments into sad memories that causes you hurt. It makes you look back at everything with a hint of sadness and you can no longer see the happiness in that moment because it's not the same.

This time Harry grabbed a photo.

It was taken only a few weeks after they met. They were already so close that some people assumed they'd been friends for years before when the truth was they just immediately felt safe together which allowed them to completely let go.

Niall looked at the photo with a smile. "Watching you two fall in love over the years was the best thing I ever got to see. I got to watch as you fell in love and become completely enamoured by Louis who then fell for you even harder."

Harry nodded as he tried to keep the tears away. They were so young then. Harry thought they had all the time in the world. "He never really changed. He still was as beautiful and bright seven months ago. Louis would disagree though," Harry smiled slightly, "He'd say he looked more manly, or older looking. Always making me look for grey hairs even though he was only thirty four."

"He was obsessed about getting older, wasn't he?" Niall smiled at the picture with the same sorrowful expression.

"Yeah. Wanted to be Peter Pan. Maybe now he can."

Ten months ago

"Harry!"

Harry shot up from where he was half asleep in the living room, wondering where the shout came from. He was just about to get up when it happened again.

"Harry!?!!"

Thinking he was hurt Harry practically ran up the stairs and towards the sound of the yell, coming from their room. He shoved the door open, chest heaving only to see Louis stood in front of the mirror with his hair tilted towards the glass.

Relief flooded through him as he slumped his shoulders before glaring at his husband. "What the fuck, Lou? You scared the shit out of me. I sprinted up the fucking stairs."

Louis turned to him with a distressed expression on his face. "Good, I need you to check my hair." He said with a worried tone as he walked towards his husband.

"For what? Lice?" Harry retorted making Louis stop and glare at him.

"No. Grey hairs."

"You yelled bloody murder... for a grey hair?" He clarified.

"Yes!" Louis whined, slowly walking towards Harry with a sad expression. "Can you check, I thought I saw one in the mirror but it may have just been the light."

Harry lost his hardened expression and smiled nodded to the bed. "Fine. Sit down."

Louis did as he said, his hands knotted nervously in his lap as Harry sat behind him and began running his fingers through his brunette hair - looking for the ominous grey hair.

"Can you see it?" Louis asked after a minute.

"No." Harry smiled still running his hands through his hair because it was soft. "Not a grey hair in sight. You're safe for another day."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

Louis sighed, "Thank you."

Harry pulled his head back by his hair and leaned over to kiss his mouth mumbling, "You're welcome, darling." 

Louis smiled into the kiss before Harry let go of his hair and he turned around, sitting between Harry's legs, placing his hands on his thighs. "I'm sorry I scared you." He mumbled, moving his hands up a little so his fingers went underneath the bottom of Harry's gym shorts.

Harry reached out and moved Louis' fringe into place on his forehead. "It's okay. Just cut a few years off my life."

Louis laughed, his hands moving back down Harry's thighs, near his knees, still looking into his eyes. "I'll give you a few of mine, how about that?"

"Nah." Harry shook his head, gently grabbing Louis' chin, "I want you for as long as I can have you. I don't wanna live a minute without you."

"But I don't want to live a minute without you either? So how's that going to work?" Louis asked as his face was pulled closer by Harry.

"Hmm, I guess we'll just have to die at the same time when we're old. Like in the notebook." Harry looked into Louis eyes before smiling and pushing their lips together.

"I like the sound of that." Came Louis' response which was murmured because of his lips still being pressed tightly to Harry's. "A lot."

Harry moved the photo onto the spare seat on the couch without another word. And then the two began both picking up photos and either putting them into the box on the floor or onto the spare seat.

However Niall paused when he pulled out one near the bottom.  "It's your wedding day." He said quietly, looking mesmerised by the photo.

Harry stopped what he was doing and slowly looked towards what Niall was staring at.

"It was when you took your pictures after the ceremony, right?"

Harry nodded, unable to talk past the lump in his throat. He reached out to take the photo from Niall (who let him) and looked at it closer.

They looked so happy.

Harry could remember every emotion he felt that day. Fear, happiness, excitement, wonder, joy, and a whole lot of love.

It was only a small wedding, family and close friends only but that hadn't mattered to them. They would have done it with just the two of them if they had to.

"I remember what Louis said to me that day." Harry spoke softly, his eyes scanning over Louis' figure in the photo. "After we had to move venue and it felt like everything was going wrong."

Eleven and a half years ago

Harry was freaking out. No- Harry was losing his shit. They'd had to move venues last minute when their other place realised they had double booked and they ended up saying "sorry we're going through with the other wedding, they booked first".

But luckily overnight his sister had found a venue that actually worked better for them and Harry felt like everything was okay again.

But then they'd realised they'd forgotten to inform most of the wedding crew that they had to change meaning the cake and catering team were not available at the new time they were having the ceremony so they wouldn't drop off any food at all. There wasn't any decorations in the new venue and they'd said it was too late to do anything as it was the night before and their suits that had been left in the other venue they were now not allowed to get.

"Okay, keep it cool. Everything is fine... apart from everything that's not fine." Harry shook his head. "But we're not going think about that. We've got the rings and the marriage officiant. That's all we really need. Right? Yeah." He paced the room for what felt like hours but was realistically 2 minutes before someone was calling for him.

"Harry?"

He stopped pacing and looked in the direction of the familiar voice. Louis appeared in the doorway and relaxed when he saw his fiancé.

"H, I was looking for you." He said with a soft voice as he walked closer. "Are you okay? You just kinda," he looked back towards the room where all of their family were sat talking about what they were going to do, "ran out."

Harry nodded, "Yeah! I'm fi-" he dropped his smile and shook his head. "No." Louis smiled sadly at him and reached out to grab his hand. "Everything's going wrong, Lou. We don't have a cake, or food, or an actual decorated venue, or our fucking suits." He sighed his shoulders slumping as Louis listened. "It feels like it's all going to shit."

"Hey," Louis placed his hand on Harry's cheek looking into his eyes, "everything will be fine. I promise you. We're trying to come up with solutions."

"It all seems impossible. We're supposed to be getting married tomorrow and yet we barely have anything for an actual wedding." Harry leaned into Louis' palm, sadness radiating off of him. "Feels like the universe is trying to tell us to not to do it tomorrow."

"I will marry you tomorrow." Louis said, determined. Harry looked up into his eyes and saw how hopeful Louis was. "I don't care about the cake or the food or... even the bloody suits." He brought his other hand up to Harry's cheek so he was now cupping his face. "I would marry you anywhere. I would marry you in exactly what I'm wearing." Which was a pair of pyjamas. "And I wouldn't care."

Harry's eyes started to get glassy. "Harry, We have waited years to do this and I'm not waiting another day until I'm your husband. So I will marry you tomorrow wether or not I have a suit, and wether or not we have a cake and decorations because you will look beautiful and I will only be looking at you. Not the cake or the venue." He stepped closer. "I love you, and I want to marry you. So we could get married in a dumpster for all I care, my love."

Harry laughed as he tried to stop from crying. "I really want to marry you too." He sniffed. "Although I do think I'd look slightly less beautiful if we're in a dumpster."

Louis shook his head. "I disagree." He leaned forward and kissed Harry, so gently that Harry almost melted into him.

The next day when Harry got to the venue and began getting ready he was surprisingly nervous, not to marry Louis, but that something else would go wrong. But his sister was there with him and was reminding him that everything will be okay.

But then there was a knock at his door and Harry was waiting for someone to come in and say the venues going to blow up and they have to evacuate immediately. But instead his mother walked in, holding none other than his suit from the other venue.

"What?" Harry's mouth was dropped open in shock as she walked towards him. "How-how have you got it? I thought they said we couldn't get it until after today?"

"They did. But this morning. Liam, Zayn and Niall went to have... a little chat with them. And they were allowed to go get them."

Harry almost cried.

Then half an hour later he was notified that they had the cake and food. Apparently Louis' oldest sisters had driven there and picked it up instead of the company dropping it off which they said they couldn't do because their delivery workers were busy at the time they changed the ceremony to.

So they brought it back in record time and managed to set it all out only half an hour before they were supposed to walk down the aisle.

Harry felt like someone was looking out for him.

Then once he was dressed and ready to go, he could only smile. He was marrying Louis. Finally.

He was lead out by his mother and walked towards the main garden they decided to do the ceremony in.

They had planned that Louis would walk down the aisle first and then wait at the alter for Harry who would walk down after.

So when the doors opened to the garden Harry stepped outside, but he almost froze when he saw all of the decorations up.

Fairy lights were strung up on trees around the area and around the arch where Louis stood with a grin. The chairs they had picked for the other venue were set up on either side of the aisle exactly how it was supposed to be and everything looked perfect.

He managed to make it halfway down the aisle before the first tear fell. He blames Louis for crying first. So when he finally reached his fiancé they were both crying and smiling at the same time.

The ceremony was beautiful, each saying their own planned vows and finally getting to place the rings on each other's fingers. Ending it all with a kiss that had everyone cheering, crying and clapping for them.

Harry found out that their friends and other family members had found decorations and gotten to the venue early to set everything up outside. And it looked amazing.

Turns out, it was the perfect wedding, despite the changes they had to make. And Harry was finally married to Louis.

"It was a really beautiful wedding." Niall said after a few moments of silence. "You guys deserved it after everything that happened."

Harry could only manage a small smile. "I miss him." He whispered as tears built in his eyes but he continued to stare at the photo, not taking his eyes of Louis. "I miss him so much."

Niall let out a deep breath. "Yeah. Me too. He was one of the best lads I'd ever known."

Harry nodded and placed the photo down on the pile on the couch. "Every time I wake up I hope that when I open my eyes he'll be there. And that it was all a dream. And in real life he'll be asleep next to me, probably hogging the duvet and then I'll get to kiss him and just be with him. But I open my eyes and he's not. It's just me."

"God, mate, I can't even begin imagine how it must feel for you. You were each other's everything...Life's a bitch."

Harry hummed leaning back against the cushions. "I can't look at anymore right now."

Niall nodded in understanding and leaned back into the cushions with him. He stayed for another hour, the two didn't really talk as he realised Harry had fallen into a sort of mood where he just wanted to sit and watch something without talking about it.

So they watched some random program on the tv and Niall just sat with him, incase he wanted to talk or cry. But he didn't. He stayed staring at the tv, not really moving.

It was only when Niall left that Harry allowed himself to cry.

~

After Niall left Harry still couldn't get himself to pack anything else up, instead he ending up going up to his bedroom and laying in his bed watching random tv shows that played on the tv in the room.

So when the next day rolled around Harry decided he wanted to go outside, it would be the first time he left the house since Louis died other than to get food.

He decided as it was a rather warm day he'd just go sit in the park and allow himself to forget about the packing he'd have to do when he got home.

So he walked through the green field, the sun warming his skin and then he saw an empty bench partly out of the way and made his way over to it. He sat down and let out a deep breath, looking around at the groups of kids playing and families walking their dogs.

He wasn't sure how long he was sat there, watching the world go round without him but it mustn't have been too long as the sun was still beaming above him. Suddenly he was startled when someone came to sit beside him.

He looked over to notice an older man, probably around seventy years old, sitting down. "You looked rather lonely sitting over here by yourself, son." He spoke as he leant back against the wooden bench.

Harry didn't quite know what to say, he hadn't spoken to anyone other than his friends and family in months. So he didn't say anything.

The older man didn't seem to mind, just looked around the park like Harry had minutes before, except he had a small smile on his face.

But then a few moments later he looked down to Harry's hand. "Are you married?" He asked making Harry look down to the ring that was still on his finger.

"I am- was, I guess... I don't know." Harry
shook his head, placing the hand with his ring under the other so he didn't have to see it.

The older man looked at him curiously.

Harry sighed. "He um. My husband died a few months ago." He clarified as the man nodded slowly.

"I'm sorry." He paused before pulling out of his shirt a necklace with a ring on the end of it. "My wife died a few years ago."

Harry looked away from the grass and looked over to the stranger with a hint of interest. He watched as the man clutched the ring in his hand and looked up with closed eyes and smiled. "Sophie. She was incredible."

Harry felt himself relax slightly. "Does it get easier? Does it stop hurting?" He found himself asking.

The older man put the necklace back under his shirt and turned to Harry with a sad smile. "I'm afraid not, son." He looked away momentarily. "It just becomes more bearable with time. The pain is still there just not as loud."

Harry nodded as he looked back down at the ground. He'd hoped that everything he was feeling now would go away.

"What's your name, young man?" The stranger asked making Harry look up at him.

"Harry."

"Well, Harry, I'm Joe." Joe tapped his foot on the ground a few times as if he was thinking what to say. "I don't quite know how you feel because I never lost my Sophie as young as you are. I got to love her for many years, and it came her time but it seems you didn't get that. How old was your husband?"

Harry's breathing hitched as he tried to control his overwhelming emotions. "He was thirty-four."

Joe sighed. "I don't think it's fair when young people die early, yet we're expected to move on quickly as if it wasn't a shock." 

Harry couldn't have described it better, his friends wanted him to move on because he was young and had time to find someone else but he didn't ever think he'd have to look for someone else, he needs time to mourn.

"How did he die? If you don't mind me asking?"

"It was a car accident." Harry said quietly. "Two sets of traffic lights went green when only one should have and it was too late to do anything. He died instantly, or at least they told me that. I don't know if they just said it so that I would feel better knowing he wasn't in pain."

Joe nodded, "I'm going to tell you something, Harry. Don't go down that rabbit hole. Believe he went instantly, don't entertain the thought that he was in any pain because it only makes you hurt more."

Harry nodded, his hands starting to shake.

"Would you like to talk about him?" Joe asked after a moment on silence. "One thing I regret is not talking about Sophie after. Because when I speak about her I feel so much closer."

Harry thought about it for a second, he would like to talk about Louis especially after he found out that thinking about him actually helped...so maybe this would too. So he nodded, and Joe turned all his attention to him.

"He was..." Harry thought about how to sum up the amazing person that was his husband. "He was the best person I'd ever known. And I don't think I'll ever meet someone like him again. He had this- this almost infectious personality. If he laughed you wanted to laugh too, if he smiled you can't help but mirror it."

For the first time it what seemed like ages Harry managed a smile. A genuine one. Joe was sat in front of him with his own smile, seeming fully interested in what Harry had to say.

"He always helped people, and never half-assed anything, if he was gonna do it he was gonna do it well. And he was beautiful." Harry let out a soft sigh and looked down at the grass. "He had these eyes, that just- shone. They were such a stunning shade of blue. I," he let out a quiet laugh, "used to say the shade was 'Louis blue'. That was the only way to describe the beauty of them... was that they were Louis'." He paused before repeating, "Louis blue."

"I never got to say goodbye, and it hurts more than I could ever explain. I just wish I got to say goodbye. And I would do anything to see his eyes again. To just see him. Hear him. Anything. I have recordings and pictures but it's not the same y'know?"

Joe nodded. "No picture will ever be enough. It will never feel the same as when you saw them in real time."

Harry knew this already. After the first week he looked at every picture and every video in hopes he'd fill the void that grew in his chest, or at least make it shrink. But it didn't, he looked at them all and nothing amounted.

"How are you coping, son?" Joe asked, dragging Harry out of his daze. "Are you doing okay?"

"I'm trying." Harry replied, his voice barely over a whisper. A hand came to rest on his shoulder.

"Then you're doing great. Let yourself mourn, but don't let yourself die inside. You can feel the hurt and feel sad about what you've lost without losing yourself in the process. And you will be okay, Harry." Joe fixed his jacket as if he was about to leave. "You don't have to fall in love again. Some people never do. But allow yourself to let go sometimes."

He stood up from the bench with a cough wracking his chest and hands shaking before saying, "Go see your husband. Go to his grave and talk to him. You might find it helps. Go say goodbye."

Harry watched as he began to walk away quietly saying, "Bye, Joe."

~

Harry was getting everything ready to cook for dinner, Louis had called and said he was leaving work so he decided as it was Friday he wanted to make one of Louis' favourite dishes.

But he quickly realised he didn't have everything he needed so he grabbed his car keys and drove to the nearest supermarket hoping to get home before his husband.

He paid for all the ingredients he needed and even picked up a bottle of wine before putting it all into his car.

He was driving back home when he had to move to the side of the road to let an ambulance past him but luckily there was enough room and the sirens blared past him and disappeared in the direction he just came from.

He figured he had around five maybe ten minutes before Louis would be home which caused him to speedily start unpacking all the things he'd bought and placing them on the counter.

He had just gotten the pots he needed out of the cupboard when his phone rang on the counter next to him. Without thinking too much he picked it up and pressed it to his ear as he continued getting things ready.

"Hello." He answered.

"Is this Harry Tomlinson?" A deep voice asked, void of any emotion.

It made Harry pause for a moment as he looked at the caller id. Unknown.

"Uh, yeah." He replied, stepping away from the ingredients in front of him and focusing on the call.

"I've called to inform you that unfortunately your husband Louis Tomlinson has passed away."

Everything stopped.

"W-what? I don't- I he... no, I called him not long ago he was fine... he was a-alive." Harry stuttered out as his hands started to shake and his heartbeat started pounding inside his chest.

This couldn't be happening. It was just someone playing a cruel joke on him. Louis would be home in a few minutes and he'd tell him and they'd laugh together as they continued making dinner.

"I'm sorry. There was an accident, a set of traffic lights. It was a two car collision, your husbands car took the brunt of the force and flipped. He died instantly." Harry's breathing stopped as he struggled to keep standing. "An ambulance arrived on scene minutes later and tried to resuscitate him but were unsuccessful."

"No...no. You're lying. He's fine. He's- not dead he's fine. Y-you're lying to me." Harry shook his head as his body started to fail and his back hit the cupboards as he slid to the floor. Tears were falling down his cheeks as he tried to keep breathing but it seemed like all the oxygen was gone.

"I'm sorry, Mr Tomlinson. We did all we could. They've brought his body to the hospital if you'd-"

Harry couldn't hear anymore, his heartbeat was too loud and his crying wasn't helping either. He just kept repeating 'no' as if it would magically make Louis appear at his door.

He briefly heard the man ask him something else but he hung up, his hand dropping the phone as he tried to pull himself up. "No, no, no it's not true. It's not true." He sobbed as he managed to stand and pull himself towards the front door.

If everything was okay then he'd open the door and Louis would be parking on the driveway.

But he opened the door and the only car out there was his own.

"No. No, no, no, please, no." He fell to his knees letting the sobs shake his body as he cried and let all the energy go. "Louis, please, please come home." He waited there for a few minutes, crying, hoping that his husband was just a few minutes late but time passed and it stayed only his car on the drive. "No! No! No! They're lying." He sobbed into his hands.

He didn't even realise that he'd pulled himself away from the open door and back to the kitchen as he picked his phone up off the floor and dialled one number. "Come on, come on, Lou, please." He pressed his forehead to the cupboard in front of him as the ringing continued. There's no reason he wouldn't answer, his phone was connected to his car so even if he was driving he could answer... unless. "No. No."

"You have reached the voicemail for-"

"No!" He yelled as he threw the phone away from him, shattering it as pieces of the glass scattered away from the phone on the floor. "Fuck!" Through tear-covered eyes he managed to knock a pile of plates onto the floor at his feet as he sobbed.

He let his body slump to the floor, his head on the tiles as his tears dropped down his face and onto the floor. He wrapped his body up as tight as he could and cried, not even caring about the glass lying under his body.

He didn't know how long he'd been lying there when he heard his front door swing open forcefully and footsteps running towards him. He didn't move when hands wrapped around him and a body sat down beside him. He opened his sore eyes and cried more when he saw his mother looking at him with a sorrow expression as she tried to pull him closer to her.

For a minute he had let himself believe it had been Louis coming home. But it wasn't.

His head was placed into his mothers lap as she ran her fingers though his hair and whispered things to him he couldn't really hear over his crying.

After a while he looked up into his mums face, and through a shaking voice said, "He's gone... isn't he?"
And the expression she made gave him a good enough answer. "Oh god." He started crying all over again hiding his face in his hands as he struggled to breathe.

"I'm so sorry, honey. I'm so sorry." Anne whispered as she kissed her sons tear-stained face. "Jay called me."

"Oh god." Was all he seemed to be able to say as he cried for what felt like hours and maybe it was because the next thing he remembered was waking up in his couch and the sun was gone and his mum was sat with him.

Everything hit him like a brick. "Mum." He whispered, voice breaking. Anne looked into his red eyes and quickly pulled him into a hug. It felt like a dream.

"It's true isn't it? He's dead." He asked again with a sharp inhale.

He felt her nod. "He is. I'm sorry, Harry."  Thats all it took for him to start crying again as his breathing failed on him.

Harry woke up with a gasp, his hands flying to his chest and his hair matted to his forehead. He managed to calm his breathing and realise where he was.

He wiped his face of the few tears that fell when he was dreaming and sat up properly. Some nights he didn't dream of anything, but some nights he'd had the unfortunate chance of reliving the moment he found out his husband died in his dreams.

It was like a cruel punishment. Having to watch his own self find out what happened and not able to do anything. He just had to sit there and watch everything unfold already knowing what was going to happen before he eventually woke up.

He rubbed a hand over his tired eyes and looked at the time. 4:17am.

There was no chance he was going back to bed now. So he went downstairs and grabbed a glass of water before heading back to the bedroom with his laptop, setting it on the duvet and clicking on a show.

There was one show he could no longer watch. It was his and Louis' show they always watched together and so now he's gone he can't watch it alone.

Harry couldn't help but think about his dream as the show continued to play. He remembered after he finally stopped crying, it was like his body physically couldn't do it anymore. His mum had explained that after they'd called Harry they obviously then called Louis' mum to inform her of the accident. But before they hung up they'd mentioned that Harry had hung up on them and may need someone with him. So Jay through her own tears and sadness had called Anne to go check on Harry.

She'd barely let herself think about what had happened until she'd got to her son and held him until he ended up falling asleep on the floor in her arms.

She'd then let herself cry for a bit before Harry was waking up and he needed her.

Anne had stayed that night, to make sure Harry was okay. But the next day he and Jay went to the hospital and had both cried together afterwards.

Jay went back home to the rest of the family and Harry went back to his house that was empty and far too quiet.

The days that followed after were a blur, he'd locked his door and didn't let anyone in the house. He didn't answer any calls, only occasionally texting his mum to let her know he was okay. Which he wasn't really but he'd never been good at talking about how he felt, only to Louis but... that wasn't possible anymore.

The sun rose and Harry was still awake and he had a weird feeling like he should go to Louis' grave. He'd never wanted to before, always avoided it but maybe it was time.

Maybe Joe was right and it would help with letting go if he got to say goodbye. Maybe he'd stop dreaming about that horrible day if he did.

Without letting himself overthink it and change his mind he quickly got ready for the day and changed into some clean clothes then grabbed his phone and keys before leaving the house.

He drove to where Louis was buried and parked outside the gates. No one else was around but that was probably because it was only quarter to seven in the morning.

With shaking hands Harry got out the car and began walking, he knew the general area of where he was supposed to go. The air was cold around him, biting his skin as he moved but he just ignored it and tried to keep going.

He found Louis' headstone rather easily, it was one of the newer looking ones in the lot.

With a deep breath Harry opened his eyes he closed a moment ago and looked at it. "Hey, Lou." He whispered, voice breaking as his eyes started to sting.

He stepped a little closer and knelt down by the grey headstone. "I-I know it's been a while, I'm sorry I kept you waiting. But I didn't... I didn't really want to come, because this wasn't how it was supposed to be." His fingers slowly reached out and traced the edge of the carved stone. "I really miss you." He felt a tear roll down his cheek before he wiped it away and tried to compose himself.

"Truth is, Lou... I came here because I never got to say goodbye to you. It all happened so fast. One moment I was talking to you on the phone and the next, I was getting a call saying you'd died. I didn't want to believe it. I was convinced they'd made a mistake. They hadn't." Harry let his hand drop and sat down fully, resting his shoulder against the side of the headstone.

"So here I am. To say goodbye. In hopes that..." he let out a dry laugh, "I don't know, in hopes that I can live without feeling like I'm crumbling, in hopes that I can stop dreaming about it. Because I love you so much, Louis but I can't dream about you when it hurts so much to wake up." His breath shuddered. "I love you. I love you. I love you." He whispered at the sky, the sun starting to shine down on him in that moment.

"I'm moving out. Of our house." He spoke a few minutes later. "I thought I should say. Maybe it's stupid but I just want you to know that I'm only doing it because it's so painful to be there without you. It was our house. And it's going to stay our house." He wiped the new tears that had fallen as his throat began to feel scratchy. "I'm gonna go in a minute, but umm, just know that I'll never forget you. You were a huge part of me and it won't ever fade and I don't want it to. Because I love you and I've always loved you... and I always will but I need to be able to breathe without feeling like I'm struggling. So yeah." He sat silent for a moment, letting the sun warm his face before he slowly picked his body up.

He swallowed, took a deep breathe in, and looked down at the grave. "Goodbye, Louis. You were the most beautiful and kind person I ever met. And I wish everyday this hadn't happened to you. But it did so I'm saying goodbye, for the last time."

He took another deep breath and quietly uttered the words, "Bye, Love."

He walked back to the car with the wind tussling his hair and managed to sit down in the drivers seat before his small cries turned to sobs and whimpers as he held his head in his hands.

~

When he got home he spent the rest of they day in his room, under the duvet, watching movie after movie. His phone rang a couple times but he didn't have the strength to get up and answer it so he let it ring each time.

Later in the evening, when the sun had long gone down and Harry had gotten up to have a shower he trudged his way downstairs to the kitchen to pack up any last things in there he wanted to take with him.

He placed the cardboard box on the counter and started grabbing things to put in it. He went to reach for one of the pictures on the breakfast bar when he noticed a dip in the wood.

He stopped what he was doing and looked at it for a second before running his finger over it, feeling where the wood has been sunken in slightly. He smiled a little and let out a quiet laugh.

He knew exactly what caused it and when it happened.

It had happened on the 26th of October 2023.

Three years ago

Louis walked into the house after work and immediately ran into the living room to find his husband. "Harry!" He yelled as he launched himself on top of Harry who was half asleep on the couch.

A sound of air came out from Harry's lips as he winced and his hands went to Louis' hips. "Jesus Christ, Lou." He groaned a little as Louis just smiled down at him. "What was so urgent you had to throw yourself at me?"

"I bought pumpkins." He grinned at his husband before settling on his thighs.

"Did you now?" Harry grinned back at him, still holding Louis.

"Yup. I thought as it's nearly Halloween... we could carve them together."

"Yeah? Okay. That's sounds really nice, love." Harry sat up on the couch, bringing Louis with him.

"But it's going to be a competition."

Harry laughed. "Of course it is. What kind of competition?"

"Whoever's pumpkin is better gets to chose what we do on date night for a week. And I get to brag that I'm a better pumpkin carver." Louis snuggly said as he got off Harry's lap and took off his jacket.

"What makes you think you'll get bragging rights?" Harry asked, "What if I win?"

"You won't." Louis got up and turned back to Harry. "I planned mine on the way home."

He walked out the living room leaving Harry to laugh quietly at him.

They set everything up in the kitchen and got the two pumpkins on the counter with all the knives and spoons they needed set around it.

"Right, I'm adding a time limit okay?" Louis said as he positioned himself in front of his pumpkin. "We've got an hour. Then whatever we have done is what we show."

"Alright. I'm ready." Harry said, dramatically putting his hands on his hips.

Louis started the timer and the two began cutting around the handle of the pumpkin to create an opening. Harry was trying his hardest not to laugh when he looked over and saw his husbands serious face.

Louis made sure to keep his pumpkin directed away from Harry so he couldn't see what he was doing as he began removing all the 'guts' from the inside.

There was a moment where a food fight nearly broke out because Harry flung a pumpkin seed across the counter and it hit Louis' forehead sending Harry into a fit of laughter as Louis gathered up a ton of seeds and individually flicked them in Harry's direction.

They broke it off though when they realised they only had thirty minutes and they hadn't even finished clearing out the insides.

Harry left the room to go get a pen from the living room and Louis was already carving his idea onto the face of the pumpkin with the knife. But he underestimated the durability of the outside and tried to harshly jab the knife in but it slipped and instead of going in the pumpkin it slammed straight into the wood counter.

His eyes widened as the knife stood on its own, the blade stuck in the wood. He heard Harry's footsteps coming closer and knew he wouldn't be happy to find out Louis had stabbed the counter. So he eagerly tried to pull it out. He failed.

Harry walked in the room as Louis thrust his pumpkin infront of the knife, covering it from Harry's view.

Harry looked at him skeptically as he walked back to his pumpkin. "What have you done?"

"Nothing." Louis answered far too quickly, he internally winced and hoped Harry cared too much about winning to waste anymore time asking questions.

Harry continued to draw on his pumpkin as Louis just stared at him. "Seriously, What have you done? Your standing there like you're waiting to get told off or something."

Louis cleared his throat and begrudgingly moved the pumpkin back, showing where the knife was still standing in the counter.

Harry's jaw dropped as he stopped drawing and looked between the knife and Louis. "How the hell did you do that?" He asked, moving closer. "Did you hurt yourself?"

Louis almost smiled at him for being more concerned about him than the state of the counter (the very new and expensive counter). "No. It's just... stuck."

Harry looked at it for a little longer. "You had to go and stab the counter we only paid for two months ago, didn't you? Whatever," he laughed, "we'll just cover up whatever damage with a bowl."

Louis frowned at him. "Can you get it out for me?"

Harry smiled. "No."

"No?!"

"I want to win."

"Harry."

"Louis."

"Help me."

"It's a competition babe. I can't."

Louis huffed when Harry just continued on his own pumpkin. "I'll divorce you."

"No you won't." Harry muttered with a smug smile as Louis grumbled saying he was right. And then tried to pull the knife out once again.

He wiggled it around for at least five minutes while Harry began getting ahead of him and then he finally managed to dislodge it.

There was a small dent in the counter but nothing major and then he was speedily starting to carve again.

When the time went off both men had just finished their work. They got the candles and put them inside before turning the lights off and placing he pumpkins next to each other.

(Harry's)

(Louis')

Louis muttered something about Harry showing off as he looked at the two of them. Harry wasn't even looking at the pumpkins though, he was looking at Louis. "You win." Harry muttered without taking his eyes off him.

Louis turned to him with a confused expression. "I thought you'd fight for yours more than that."

"I don't need to. You win."

Louis let out a laugh and pointed at Harry. "See! I knew I was good at this! And last year you tried to tell me that I was shockingly bad. Well now I've won." He looked so excited about it that Harry didn't stop smiling at him.

"Why're you looking at me like that?" Louis asked when he turned and realised his husband was staring at him.

"I just really love you."

Louis eyes softened and his shoulders dropped slightly as he relaxed under Harry's gaze. "I really love you too." He whispered before Harry was grabbing his shirt and pulling him closer so he could kiss him.

Louis gave in easily, wrapping his arms around him as he kissed back, before burying his head in Harry's shoulder and hugging him tightly.

Harry held him close, rubbing his hand up and down his back while kissing his head for a moment while watching the fire flicker inside their pumpkins.

Harry looked away from the the dent when he heard incessant knocking at the door. He took the box off the counter, deciding their was nothing else he wanted to take and walked to the front door.

He opened it and saw a very concerned looking Liam and Niall. "Harry." They both breathed out, almost in relief.

"Everything okay?" Harry asked, frowning as they stared at him.

"We've been calling you."

"Oh. Yeah sorry. I was... sleeping." Harry answered as the two looked to each other then back to him.

"For the whole day?"

"I was packing too. I just got caught up that's all."

"So you're okay?" Liam asked, nervously spinning the keys in his hand.

"I'm fine." He smiled at them as good as he could. "Why are you guys here anyway?"

"We-" Niall paused before continuing, "We were worried about you. You weren't answering and we thought..."

Harry knew what they thought.

"I was just sleeping and packing, don't worry. I'm all good." He smiled more as if to further his point.

Liam nodded, smiling slightly back at him. "How much more do you have to pack?"

"Not a lot, I'm on the last few rooms. I can probably move out in a day or two." Harry said, leaning against the doorframe, crossing his arms over his chest.

"How are you feeling about moving."

"Fine."

Niall looked at him with a stern expression. "You can keep saying that over and over, it doesn't make it true, Harry."

Harry let out an annoyed breath. "What do you want me to say? That I'm falling apart? That I'm struggling? That I could just... break right here? What do you want me to tell you? Huh?" He shook his head. "If I say I'm fine leave at that because I'm not going to stand here and ramble about how moving out is that last thing I want but to be able to carry on it's what I have to do. So unless you want to be my therapist, I'm fine."

The two men in-front of him sighed and nodded. "Okay." Liam said. "We just wanted to check in. We'll call you later okay?"

Harry looked down at the ground, feeling guilty for lashing out on them when they were just being nice. "Okay."

They stood there for a moment longer before turning and walking back to their cars. Harry turned and walked back inside.

~

Harry finished packing the rest of the rooms that night, he couldn't sleep so he figured it was the best thing to do. Eventually he ended up in the doorway of his bedroom. It was the last room he had yet to pack up. Somehow also the hardest.

It felt like a million memories flashed through his mind, trying to drag him into fantasy land where he can pretended the love of his life is still alive. But he knows that only makes him hurt more when he comes back to reality.

So he tried to clear his mind and started grabbing some things, carelessly throwing them into the box.

"I think you should let your hair get long again." Louis said as he ran his hands through Harry's hair. "I like it long." He grabbed the blue bandanna and messily tied it around Harry's head. "Then you can wear these again. They're cute on you."

Harry shoved the bandanna into the box.

"Lou? What's this?"

"I was trying I learn how to crochet... it didn't go well. But I was really bored."

"...What is it?"

Louis grabbed the material. "It was going to be jumper or something before I realised it was far too advanced and made a tiny blanket instead. It's bad I know, we can just put it in the cupboard."

Harry grabbed it back and put it on the bed. "No. It's nice. We're keeping it in here."

Harry ran his fingers along the woollen material before folding it and gently putting it in the box.

"Harry, this stupid candle won't light."

"Just leave it then."

"No, I can't." Louis huffed as he tried to light the match again.

"Why not? It doesn't need to be on."

Louis ignored him and continued trying to light it, only getting more annoyed when it didn't work. Harry grabbed the matches off him and placed them next to the candle.

"It won't light, Louis. Just leave it."

"I'm trying to be romantic." Louis grumbled as he turned away, "You had a bad day I was just trying to be...I don't know." He was about to walk into the bathroom when Harry grabbed his arm and pulled him back, his expression softer than before.

"Thank you. But I don't need a lit candle to make me feel better, I just need you."

Harry left the candle where it was, the 'stupid' thing still doesn't light.

"I love you, Harry."
"I do."
"Will you...go on a date with me."
"It's a promise ring, stupid. I'm not proposing to you. Calm down."
"Thanks, H. It's cute."

Harry blinked the tears away as he looked at the three threaded bracelets and two rings that were sat on the dresser. He grabbed Louis' wedding band and threaded it onto the necklace he was wearing currently and put the the other into the box. He left the three bracelets there, they had been cut off when Louis had the accident. Harry had made them all, he gave one to Louis on their first date, one when Louis finished high-school and one right before Louis said he loved him for the first time.

He managed to grab the few final pieces and put them in the box without any more tears falling down his cheeks. He then took the box downstairs and placed it with all the others.

Seeing as he still had his old apartment he decided tomorrow he'd move back in. Figuring it was better if he did it quicker, before he talked himself out of it.

He checked all the rooms one last time and found nothing else he wanted desperately to take with him so he walked into the bare looking living room and sat down on the couch, finally allowing himself to feel the heaviness in his body.

He laid down and looked up at the ceiling with an utterly consuming feeling of loneliness. That was the only way to describe how he felt. Alone.

~

His mother and all his friends had offered to come over and help move but he had turned them all down, saying this was something he had to do on his own.

He moved all the boxes out to his car, managing to fit them all in before he walked back inside the house one last time.

He took a deep breath and looked around each room with a small smile on his face. They'd spent fourteen years together in this house and sixteen years together in total.

Half of his life Harry had spent with Louis and it was weird being without him and moving out alone. He had loved him for so many years he didn't know how to stop.

He remembered every fight, every kiss, everything they said to each other as he entered the rooms. It was like someone was replaying his life for him each time he closed the door to a room, reminding him what he'd lost.

Eventually he walked towards the front door, having looked through their home one last time. He shoved his hands in his pockets as he got outside and turned around to look at the exterior. The sun shone down on him, lighting up the building as well as his skin. In a way he did feel lighter, this was just... hard.

"I can't believe we bought a house." Harry whispered to Louis as they parked their car and got out to look at it. "It seems surreal."

"I know." Louis whispered back, there was no reason to whisper other than it seemed like it was that kind of moment. "I can't wait to live with you. I get to see you every day for the rest of my life and I get to share this house with you, and it feels like a fresh start, yknow?"

Harry nodded, his hand clutching Louis' as they walked towards the front door. "I know exactly what you mean. It feels like our life together starts here. Like we've dated for two years already yet standing here with you, in our own place, this feels like the beginning for us."

Louis nodded raising his right hand, the one not holding Harry's, to show the key. "Are you ready?"

Harry smiled over at his boyfriend, "I'm more than ready."

Louis quickly kissed the boys lips before they walked towards the door and Louis raised the key to it and looked over at Harry before saying, "Welcome home, H," and opening the door.

Harry pulled the door closed and put the key in it, locking it. He let his forehand fall against the door, his hand holding the key falling limp against his side as he breathed in and out. In and out.

He could do this. Louis' there for him no matter what.

With a deep breath Harry stood. He straightened his jacket and smiled once at the house before turning and walking to his car.

He'd be okay. It may take some time but now he can start to heal, learn how to live again without Louis, learn how to do this on his own.

He'd be okay. He loved Louis. And Louis had loved him. And what happened was tragic. And the worst possible thing that could have happened. But.

He'd be okay. One day he would be okay and he will be able to think about Louis without wanting to cry. But for now he's just going to mourn his love and continue on the best he can.

And that's okay too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm so sorry to any tears I may have caused you. I don't know why I wanted to do this but I guess just to try and say it's okay to mourn, it's okay to not be okay. And it may feel like you're drowning in grief and it may stay that way forever but you will be able to deal with it at some point. It will feel less like drowning and more like floating. It will be okay.

I love you all endlessly. Don't forget to eat and drink something today, even if it's small. <3

In the days that follow, I discover that anger is easier to handle than grief - Emily Griffin

A thousand moments I had taken for granted, mostly because I assumed there would be a thousand more - Morgan Matson