Goodbyes are hard.

I can't comprehend the kind of strength Margot would have to have to be able to move away from everything she knew so easily. Moving to North Carolina is one thing, but to move across the world to Scotland? That's something else.

I looked toward the window where the natural light was floating in. It's funny how something so small like a window can make your heart stop. So many memories of mine and Peter's relationship have been through that window. Even though he wasn't allowed to stay over, some of our most intimate moments occurred after he appeared there late at night. Nobody knew he was inside, with me, and the thrill of being rebellious towards my fathers' household rules made it seem all that little bit better.

The blue walls of my bedroom suddenly seemed out of place once most of my photos and décor had been taken down. Maybe it was symbolic of me growing up, but I would never change it as I still remember when me and mommy picked the colour when we just moved in. I had always wanted to paint my room whatever colour I wanted, unlike Margot who settled on white, as it was classic and you could change the décor in the room to fit any theme you like. I thought it was too plain Jane.

Little rainbows lined the walls from the light-catcher crystal pendant I bought from Korea. We have only been home for four days, Margot is already back in Scotland and I am honestly relieved to be home. Korea was amazing. It was refreshing to finally learn about so much more about our culture than through my grandma's stories she would tell us as we grew up.
Seoul was definitely my favourite place to visit, it just instantly felt like home. I never thought myself to be much of a city girl, but there I was, in my element. All the Korean girls dressed in a fashion that was so similar, yet so different to mine. I couldn't help but find myself desiring to be just like them. Maybe it was the fact that they looked like me, or I looked like them, that made it all so special.

Daddy and Peter were shocked when we arrived home, my style had changed so much. I picked up a bunch of new Korean makeup and skincare, but also a whole extra suitcase of new clothes that were totally different from my usual "safe" Lara Jean style. I even got some black pieces, which completely shocked Margot, as she'd been telling me how good black would look on me for years; I never listened.

Peter was reluctant to my new style at first, and honestly I think it was because I hadn't changed anything about myself for the whole duration of our relationship.

Trina knocked on my door lightly before sticking her head in the door. I snapped my eyes away from the light in the window and looked toward her. "Honey, Peter is here," she spoke in a soft voice. Like I was a piece of glass and if she spoke too loudly I'd break.

"Okay, coming," I replied, my heart race increasing. As excited as I am for college, I'm not ready to say goodbye to Peter. Even though we have three days together before I leave.

I walk out into the hallway, and see the daddy and Trina's wedding picture on the mantle, placed next to daddy and mommy's. I'm glad daddy married a woman who was accepting that she wasn't the only woman in daddy's life and respected her. That is probably my favourite thing about Trina. She mightn't like Korean food, but at least she tries to involve herself in our culture.

I stare at the hard wood stairs as I walk down them, knowing Peter's standing at the bottom waiting for me. I don't make eye contact because I know once I make eye contact with him, my heart will melt. We meet and the bottom. He looks at me with reassuring eyes, how he usually does when I'm upset, I smile at him.

"Hi," I whisper as he pulls me into his torso. I hold on that little bit longer than a normal hug, to reassure him that I'm still here. He smiles down at me and it makes my heart wrench a little bit more.

"I've missed you," he whispers, into my hair, as we still hold each other. If anyone was watching us it would look like we hadn't seen each other in years. In reality it had only been 12 hours. We finally break apart and he grabs my hand instantly like I will disappear if he doesn't keep some sort of hold on me.

We walk up to my bedroom in silence. We have nothing to talk about. College is the only exciting thing going on for us both, but we both ignore it as it means we have to part. A grunt like sound exits Peter's mouth as he enters my room and notices everything is packed away in suitcases. He hasn't been here since before I packed, and for this exact reason I assume.

Peter's barely packed a thing for college as UVA is only 15 minutes away from Charlottesville. If I was going to UVA as well, I wouldn't pack much either. I knew I would be at home every second day to get new clothes so I could save space in my dorm closet. Coats in winter and dresses in summer and just switch back and forth. But I'm not going to UVA, so I have to pack everything I own.

We lay down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. The one glow in the dark star from when I was younger that I couldn't reach when I was taking them down sits in the right corner. We are silent, but it's a move silence. I could lay here for hours with him beside me and do nothing, but still be contempt. I guess that's what happens when you love someone.

"My first game is in 2 weeks," Peter breaks our silence. "Are you going to come visit me?"

"Peter, you know they don't allow freshmen to have cars on campus. I'm not entirely sure how I would get there, but I'll try my best." I state, a tiny bit frustrated with him asking me that again. I tell him the same thing each time.

"But I just don't play the same when you're not there. I don't know why it happens. It's actually quite annoying to be honest," he says. I'm not sure whether I should be offended or not. I can't seem to read him today like I usually can.

"You'll be fine. Just think of how much you love me when you're playing," I say and look over at him. We still have a small space between us, keeping us apart ever so slightly. He tilts his head toward me and smiles his stupidly cute smile, that even after 2 years and a bit, gives me butterflies in my stomach. How can one person be so perfect?

"I don't need to think about how much I love you when I'm playing because I think about it every single second of every day," he says and I turn away from him and stare back at the ceiling, and he whispers, "it's just the truth."

Tears well up in my eyes, and I blink them back, I don't want him to see just how vulnerable I have been the past few weeks. After Kitty, Margot and I got back from Korea everything became real.

He moves his fingers across the sheets and our pinkies touch. It's like we're in 7th grade again and any boy-girl interaction is scary. But I grab his hand and squeeze it. Tightly. We face each other again, and he pulls me toward him, and we just lay there, together. There's no place I'd rather be. Peter is home to me.

He snuggles his head into my shoulder, and stays there for a few minutes and I can feel his breath on my skin. He then moves his lips to my neck, and starts placing small kisses along my neck and along my jawline. Before meeting my lips, he stares in to my eyes again, but with a different look than usual. There's some kind of lust, or desperation, and they keep flicking from left to right in a frantic manner. "What's wrong Peter?" I ask.

"Nothing LJ," he shushes me before kissing me again, hard. His hand moves to my lower back underneath my shirt.

"Peter stop," I half moan. I know what he's doing. He's frantic because he knows our time is short, and is trying to make up for lost time in advance. I push him off me, short of breath. "I love you, but not now. It doesn't feel right." He looks flustered, angry even.

"Lara Jean, what's the point?" He says. I look at him in disbelief. "What's the point if we can't have intimate moments?"

"Peter that's not fair," I reply before rolling over to face away from him. I stare at the empty wall. I guess that's all I seem to do these days; stare at empty walls with no clear view of my future. I had everything planned out; the future, college, where I'd be in 5 years time at the start of senior year. It's like the universe didn't like my plan and wanted to flip it on its head, because that's exactly what's happened.

We're back to where we started, laying in silence, and I feel cold. I know he's facing away from me as well, I can't feel the warmth of him being close to me. I roll over to my other side, his back is to me like I thought. I give in and trace circles on his back, something Peter's mom would do for him when he was younger to calm him down. Especially when his dad left them. I watch his muscles relax and release tension. It works every time.

"I'm sorry," he states, in a tone of voice I don't think I've ever heard him use. Peter's never let his emotional side out in front of me, although I've spent countless nights crying to him. It frustrated me slightly, because I knew he had some struggles of his own that he was keeping inside, but wouldn't open up to me.

"Don't be sorry," I say in a soft voice.

"I just didn't think I would be in this position, at this point in my life, before we started dating," he let's out, I can hear his voice breaking. "Yes I was with Gen, and young, and naive. But I never imagined to be reluctant to leave for college because of a girl!"

I let out a subtle laugh, because Kitty's always ratting on Peter for making comments about men being the superior sex, and I love her for it. We joke about it when she's not around, although I secretly love when she pulls up Peter for me, so I don't have to do it myself.

"Well we're in the same boat bud," I say. "Song girls 'don't go to college with a boyfriend' remember?" We both laugh. He rolls over, and we're face to face again. We still haven't had a serious fight since the events that occurred on the last night of beach week, and we haven't talked about it either. Honestly, I don't 5ink either of us know what to say.

"I'm just really going to miss you," he sniffles. Are those tears? Wow. Peter Kavinsky is finally revealing his vulnerable side to me.

I don't know how to react. My first instinct is to pull him in to me, and that what I do. He nuzzles into my chest and sobs quietly whilst I stroke his hair. "We'll be fine, just you wait and see." I say, a poor attempt of reassurance, because I don't know if I believe it myself.

———————

Hey and welcome to my new novel! I'm so excited and glad to be back into writing!

The song I was listening to a lot whilst writing this first chapter was "Weak" by AJR. I don't know why but it just seemed fitting.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

Hope you enjoyed and I promise it'll pick up a bit more from here and the chapters will be longer I just needed to get something up!

Ro!