Attraction. It's a simple word. I mean boy likes girl, girl likes girl, boy likes boy, and so on. It's natural, it's comes and goes, based on mood or setting. So why, why haven't I been able to feel like that? I want to feel like that.
I wanna feel the warmth I've heard you feel when you see them. I wanna feel the happiness of getting in a relationship with a person you like. I want to feel the anxiety of not knowing how they'll react when they find out. I wanna feel the pain of being rejected. I want the pain of breaking up. I want to know how it feels. I only ever notice if someone is attractive, but I've never liked someone.
My friends go on and on about how bad it feels to like someone, how the twists in their stomach keeps them up.but to me It sounds enlivening. I want to care about a person that much to where they never leave my mind. I've said I've liked people, I play the part. I say how I still miss them after breaking up, but the truth is I know I don't.
I guess I don't miss the person, as much as I miss the status of being in a relationship, but I have commitment issues , and it feels controlling. I just want to like someone truly. I don't want to have to pick a person I find physically attractive then pretend I have feeling for them, just to please people. It feels forced when i say I like someone to a friend, and I don't know when I should stop talking because I don't know the normal amount to talk about the person you like. Its annoying to people when I say I have a crush and just talk about them, but I think that's normal?
I don't know, I just want to have a real crush, not some dumb physical attraction.
This has been on my mind lately, it's strange. My friends are all getting crushes and talking about them but what am I supposed to do,huh? Just KEEP lying?? How's that fair to them? It's not. My friends trust me and if they ask who I like, why do I always feel the need to lie. There isn't a point, they might find me boring, but is that really a bad thing? I'm so annoying to them already, is dulling myself down a bad fucking thing!
fucking christ I'm so confused.
Sincerely,
Lance McClain

a/n: hi, if you're wondering, yes I did just put all my thoughts on here, and submit it as a fanfic :)