The night was still and cold. The chairs that they had put out on the balcony scraped when dragged across the tiles and it would usually make Fenne cringe. She hated the possibility of waking someone up, but tonight, she had pulled it out while deaf to the noise.

Her knees were up against her chest and her arms were crossed. Fenne's slippers weren't useful against the cold, but at least she could pull the hood of Joost's jumper up over her head.

The lamp on the beside table acted as a dim light source from the bedroom behind her. The bed was unmade, but not in the way Joost would usually leave it. One corner of the duvet was pulled back, showing how Fenne had spent the night under its covers but never went to sleep. It was useless to try when the other side was empty.

Fenne wished there was some wind to shake the trees. Any noise would be appreciated, but even in West Amsterdam, it was deathly quiet. There was none of the usual police sirens or late-night strollers in the streets. Fenne hated it, hoping that it wouldn't be long until she wasn't alone anymore.

'Hey.'

Looking up through the the rim of her hood, Fenne peered up to the sliding door. In a coat, sweatpants and a hat underneath his hood, Joost stepped onto the balcony.

He had needed to be in the heart of the city for a dinner. It had been with some music producers that had invited him and the team. Fenne had been invited, but admitted that she didn't want to go. In the end, only Joost and Teun went and sat through a rather boring ordeal.

'What are you doing out here?' he asked, shutting the sliding door behind him.

'Couldn't sleep.'

'Are you cold?'

She shook her head. Joost knew better but settled into the second chair without arguing. He rummaged in his pant pocket and pulled out his packet of cigarettes and his special lighter. He shifted to sit up further in his seat while pulling a cigarette out of box. Putting it between his lips, Joost parted his legs and patted the space in between them.

'Come here,' he said, cupping his hands to shield the lit flame. Fenne stood up wordlessly and planted herself in Joost's chair. She laid back against his front and saw smoke blow past her head.

She thought she was hallucinating the lit cigarette that was put in front of her face. Blinking, she eyed it, waiting for Joost to take another drag, but it stayed smoking.

'B-But you said...'

'I know what I said. It'll help you sleep.'

Joost was offering Fenne his cigarette. Ever since Lowlands 2019, she never thought about taking one when a pack was handed around. The fascination wore off after years of standing amongst the smoke and hearing the gutteral coughs that followed. But with bags under her eyes and jittering fingers, Fenne found herself taking the cigarette.

What happened in Berlin was yet to leave Fenne's memory. It had been months since they returned to The Netherlands and there weren't many days that passed where she didn't think about that day.

After her statement, which was given in between splutters and sobs, Fenne was forced to pay expensive phone bills and take trips to Germany to monitor the case. She had spoken to so many people about what had happened and it had gotten to the point where she could recollect the incident without flinching.

On the outside, it looked like Fenne was doing okay. But when the nights rolled in, Joost saw how Fenne was really doing.

The man who sexually assaulted her fought for his innocence and his lawyer was good. But with the amount of witnesses and after a blood test, it was ruled that Fenne was drugged and assaulted. He was sentenced to three years in jail and a place on the sex offenders list.

It was a victory but it would live with Fenne forever.

Putting the cigarette to her lips, Fenne inhaled and felt the immediate urge to cough. The smoke burned the back of her throat and she tried to replicate what she had seen Joost do.

It was tense as she exhaled, a wooziness clouding her head. She thought she was about to save herself some embarrassment until her throat hitched up.

She choked and covered her mouth, coughing out the last of the smoke. The cigarette was taken from her fingers as a chuckle sounded against her back. Fenne bent over to clear her lungs and the house was awoken by her coughs.

'It was worth a try,' Joost said through his laughs and took a drag.

Fenne laid back with a sigh. The single drag she took wasn't enough to have any sort of effect, but the coughing had tired her out. Joost's singular arm was snug around her waist and seeing his legs on either side of her's brought comfort to Fenne's mind. His sneakers mirrored her's, an inch longer and wider than her slippers.

'I've been thinking about Eurovision again. I want to apply for 2024.'

'Oh yeah? You're going to need a song. Might want to tone it down. Make it kid friendly.'

'I have some ideas. I talked to MCT's manager tonight and he still wants to do something next year, so I'll send an application in after. '

Fenne liked hearing about Joost's work endeavours. It gave her a break from her alone time.

'What are your ideas?' she asked, leaning her head back on his shoulder to see his face.

'You want to hear them? It's late.'

'I do.'

She watched Joost breathe out his smoke with a smile on his lips. His soft gaze made her feel safe and she loved seeing his irises move all around her face. Some times, Fenne called his name just to see him turn and wait for her to say something. Joost was handsome and gentle, making her melt every time he looked at her.

'There's one called Bird Song. It's about being strange and free. I was thinking of having a blue bird somewhere in it, since they represent hope and peace,' he talked with thought in his words. 'And there's Europapa. I've written down a bunch of countries that I want in it but it's still in the works. I just want something that's not specific. Something that's universal.

My dad once said "The world has no borders". I want to do something with that. I'm doing this for him and Mum, afterall. I want it to be special.'

'I think anything you do will be special because you're the one doing it.'

'You think so?'

Fenne reached up and used her thumb and forefinger to hold his chin. She pulled him down gently to press her lips to his, which he reacted to immediately. It was soft and loving, their smiles tickling each other's cheeks.

'No matter what, komt goed,' she whispered, her arm with the same words tingling. Joost grinned and kissed her again, tightening his arm around her middle.

'You're right. Komt goed.'

---

Yanking her hand from the milk jug, Fenne hissed a curse. The queue of people in front of the till looked to the barista and watched as she stood fanning the heat in a limp shake. Her coworker finished taking a payment, distracted by the action and stepped away for a moment.

'You okay, Fenne?' she asked, looking to where the foamed milk sat in the metal jug. The steam wand was engrained with the white bubbles. A shot of coffee sat waiting in a paper cup underneath the machine.

'Yeah. I just wasn't paying attention,' Fenne said with her face in a grimace. She grabbed the handle of the hot jug and poured it into the shot, finishing the drink and putting it on the service counter.

'Latte for Marco!'

'You should head home, Fenne. Your mind isn't in it, today.'

'I'm fine. I'll go home early once lunch is over.'

Fenne's coworker sighed and headed back to the till where customers waited. There was no time to argue despite the obvious state of the head barista. Coffees still needed making and there was no one to cover if Fenne went home.

It was convenient that Fenne was so efficient even when she wasn't at her best. The manager knew that, meaning they were out the back helping with the food orders.

The rush continued and Fenne was on autopilot. The burn continued to seer at her palm, doing all it could to bother her. Making iced drinks were moments of pleasure and she purposely flattened her hand against the cold counter when she had a spare moment. If anything, the burn reminded Fenne that she was at work and needed to concentrate. She couldn't be distant when there were people standing watching her make their drinks.

'Thank you for today! Nurse that burn when you get home,' her manager called as Fenne grabbed her bag. She raised her uninjured hand and walked out from behind the counter.

As she stepped out of the cafe, she sighed in relief. Going to work had become hard recently. It was never something she wanted to do, but Fenne hadn't ever despised her workplace. Even when Joost started paying her, Fenne wanted to keep the job going on the side. It gave her things to do during the week and the shifts were scarce, meaning she was never overloaded or stressed.

But when she did work, Fenne struggled to get through just a short 4-hour shift. It made it especially hard when Joost would say goodbye when she left home. He would kiss her and wait until she left the room before returning to what he was doing. If it was early morning, he would stay in bed and hold her arm in an attempt to subliminally stop her from going.

He wanted her to quit and Fenne was considering it. She had been loyal to the cafe throughout university and maybe it was time to move on. Making coffees was mundane and with the recent turn of events, Fenne found it difficult to find excitement in anything that wasn't filming. No cappuccino or iced mocha could compare to being on stage with Joost singing into Fenne's camera.

A text buzzed from Fenne's phone just as she turned the street's corner. She would have checked it but knew that it came from the man who stood on the sidewalk up ahead.

'I'm going to assume that was from you?' Fenne said as she approached and Apson looked up from his phone.

'Yeah. I'm impatient.'

The two greeted before heading into the shop. Hanna's birthday was coming up and the two of them needed to get her a present. Apson appreciated any help from Hanna's best friend and planned to meet with her after her shift. Whatever Fenne would suggest would be suitable for his girlfriend who was about to turn twenty-four.

'What did you do to your hand?' Apson caught sight of the redness when Fenne put down a plant.

'I burnt it at work.'

'Have you put anything on it?'

'What can you put on a burn?'

Apson shrugged and eyed the girl next to him. She picked up a cactus and looked under the pot for the price. He wondered if he should tell her what Hanna had admitted to him. After the past months, Apson wasn't sure if it was worth putting the thought on Fenne's shoulders. He knew that she was overempathetic at times and piled other people's weight on her shoulders. It was why Joost often told him to let him handle certain things, like when a graphic for his show hadn't come out in the way they wanted it to.

If one of Fenne's files corrupted, Joost would find another copy. If Fenne left a burning pot on the stove, Joost would turn it down without mentioning it.

'Hanna's quitting OLVG,' Apson blurted. Fenne looked away from the cactus with wide eyes.

'Shit. When?'

'She's putting in her two-week notice tomorrow.'

Fenne stood with her lips parted and her chosen present in hand. It had been a running discussion with Hanna about her career choice. The hospital was falling apart and Hanna's mental and physical state was degrading because of it. The short time off she had did nothing to the situation at the workplace. Within a week, Hanna was back to her stressed, sleep-deprived self.

'Good. She can't go on much longer like this,' Fenne said. 'Has she said what she's going to do?'

'Community stuff. Going to people's houses for treatment.'

It was a relief to hear. When Fenne struggled to sleep, she would run into Hanna when she came home from a night shift. She noticed the grey tinge to her friend's skin and the dullness of her hair. No one was energetic coming home from work at two in the morning, but Fenne knew Hanna well and the person that trudged up to bed in her scrubs was just a shell of the Kloppefield.

'I've been... thinking of doing the same, you know?' Fenne pointed to a perfume tray which Apson picked up in obedience.

'Doing what?'

'Quitting.'

Apson's head whipped around.

'Quitting?! You don't want to film anymore?!'

'No, god, no. Quitting the cafe, I mean.'

Apson let the tray fall into one hand as he used the other to rest against his chest. He thought the world was ending when his mind misinterpreted Fenne's admission. If Fenne quit filming, Apson wasn't sure how much longer Joost's career would continue.

'Are you getting tired of it?' Apson asked, the two of them walking up to the counter with their gifts.

'It's just been too long. It's more of a chore and I spend every minute wishing I'd called in sick. I hate leaving the house when you guys are all home. I get fomo,' Fenne paid for her present and stood to the side to let Apson do the same. The man tapped his card before the two headed out with 'thank you's to the cashier.

'The horrors of living, right?'

Fenne hummed. They stepped out the shop and started heading towards the train station. In the years that had passed, Fenne and Apson had grown a distant relationship. Their best friends were dating and they grew close from common grounds. Fenne liked having people in her life that would be there for not just herself, but for Hanna, too. They had thrusted themselves into a new way of living and when things got too much, Joost, Apson, Stuntje, Teun, Daan, even Hugo and Nanda would be there.

Fenne knew she had made the right decision. She just hoped that the bad times would pass quicker than they had been dragging.