That day, Fenne's morning had been a disaster.

Her alarm hadn't gone off and her parents had already left for work by the time she checked her clock. She missed the first bus to leave her stop, so it forced Fenne to run for the next one that was half an hour later.

The downside of living near the city, but not attending a school nearby, made it so that the bus schedule never lined up in Fenne's favour. Her parents were able to get to work with ease, while she needed to get to Leeuwarden every morning. She only went to the school because they had once lived close to the province, but when her father got a higher position at the firm, they could afford a house closer to Amsterdam.

First period had already commenced and Fenne hurried to the office in disarray. There was no doubt that her friends would be looking at her empty seat in Maths in confusion. She also feared the voicemail that had already been left on her mother's phone regarding her unexplaiend absence. But Fenne could at least get to Science in second period, where no work would undoubtably be done by her and her friends.

Heaving open the office door, Fenne tried to catch her breath. She walked up to the front desk, where the school secretary was sat on her computer. Fenne didn't rush to catch the secretary's attention or rush to explain why she was late. After running from the bus stop, Fenne treasured every moment to breathe.

'Give me a minute, honey. I'll be right back,' the secretary said as she stood from her chair. Fenne nodded while panting and adjusted her bag's strap on her shoulder. Thankfully, the office was air-conditioned, cooling her sweating hairline and flushed cheeks.

Fenne caught sight of someone behind her, making her turn her attention from the desk. Through her delirium, she hadn't noticed the boy sat in one of the chairs lining the office wall. It was a miracle that she had missed him with his bright blonde hair that sat around his head like a helmet.

A school bag slumped by his feet. When Fenne looked over shoulder in surprise, the boy looked away hastily.

'Oh, Joost. I didn't see you there,' she said, giving a smile against her red face.

'Hey, Fenne...'

Fenne was oblivious to the way Joost sat with his hands clasped in his lap and how his eyes struggled to keep contact. His stomach had leapt when the girl walked by him to get to the desk. He knew that she hadn't seen him at first, because he never caught her staring at him like she sometimes did. Joost was always the first to see her in any space and with her attention facing forward, Joost took advantage of her obliviousness and stared shamelessly.

Even with her hair yanked up in a rushed ponytail, Fenne still looked beautiful. Joost never thought someone could run, sweat and look beetroot red, but still look like they've waltzed in from a photoshoot. When she smiled at him, Joost hoped that his voice wouldn't crack. Not just from the nerves of actually being addressed by Fenne, but from the past days of barely using it.

'I'm glad I missed Maths,' Fenne noted as the secretary came back to her chair. 'You're in Mr Daalmans class next, right?'

'Hm-mmh.'

Joost's hum of acknowledgement came with a crack. It made Fenne blink and drop her smile, noticing that the boy was sitting hunched. It was yet to dawn on her that it was the first time Joost had been seen at school in two weeks.

'Are you okay, Joost? Did you get in trouble for something?' she asked.

'No... I'm just waiting for someone,' it wasn't a lie. He was waiting for one of the other office workers to take him to Mr Daalmans' class. His brother wanted to make sure that Joost could start back at school with some support, meaning someone would meet with him to see how he was going in between classes.

How this would help him cope, Joost wasn't sure, but he didn't have the willpower to argue.

'What can I help you with, dear?' the secretary asked and Fenne pulled her eyes away from the blonde boy.

After filling in her details on the computer, Fenne was free to head to second period. While the secretary handed her a hallpass, a man walked out from the back office and prompted Joost to stand. The boy picked up his bag and swung it over his shoulder. He wished that Fenne would leave before he did to avoid the embarrassment of having a grown man walk him to their class. But as Fenne was still standing at the desk, the man started leading Joost out the office.

'I'll see you in Science, Joost!' she called after him. He looked over his shoulder twice and waved limply.

Once he was gone, Fenne went to follow with her hallpass in hand. She left the office and thought about the interaction she just had.

It was odd that Joost left with one of the school's workers. It was nearing the end of first period. Shouldn't he be in class already?

She found this strange and the absence of his smile that she usually saw him beaming was equally as unusual.

Fenne slapped her hand against her forehead and paused in the hallway. She felt like such a fool. Joost's absence had gone around the school in the past two weeks and it was his first day back. That's why he was sat in the office with a glum cloud over his head and why he was being walked to Mr Daalmans' class.

She was even ditzy enough to ask him if he was okay. Of course, he wasn't okay. He had just lost his mother a year after losing his father. And all Fenne did was walk in, not even see him at first, talk about herself and how she hated Maths, and then ask the poor boy if he was okay.

She was oblivious. How could she do such a thing? Joost was always so happy. How could Fenne not realise that he was barely looking at her?

---

'You made me feel better. Stunts and Appie did their best by acting like nothing was different. It helped, but you said about seeing me in Science, and I looked forward to it every day after that.'

Joost mumbles accompanied Fenne as she came out of the memory. Her hands had stalled in his hair but resumed when the silence elapsed once more.

She glanced to the picture frame on Joost's bedside table. His mother and father stood with their son, but in reality, Joost stood alone. No matter how much he insisted that their passing was a long time ago, Fenne could see that it was always present in his mind. He could be laughing, joking around, even smoking, but the weight of his wrecked childhood lingered in his eyes.

When in school, Fenne didn't put much thought on the subject. She knew what had happened and knew it was tragic, but Joost was another student in her Science class. Their few interactions were short, mostly consisting of a severe lack of eye contact on Joost's part. But now, Fenne wished that things had been different.

The steady breathing told Fenne that Joost was asleep. She was glad that he could get some peace from the difficult day. The weight of his head against her stomach was comforting. She didn't need to pull out her phone for entertainment or turn on the lamp for light. Her mind provided her with enough stimulation.

What would have happened if Fenne tried harder to talk to Joost in school? Maybe if he had another friend, their current relationship would be different. Maybe they both would have felt more supported in their career choices. Maybe Joost would have actually finished highschool.

It was easy to think about 'what if's, but Fenne couldn't change the past. At least now, things in their lives were beginning to take shape. Joost's career was taking off and Fenne saw herself working with him in the future. She didn't want to think about her living situation, as that was a hurdle yet to see and overcome. But she knew that Joost would be there, just like she was for him.

An hour and a half passed until Joost stirred awake. His regular exhales paused and he turned over, peering up at Fenne through fair eyelashes. He struggled at first, but after a series of blinks, Joost was able to pry himself from his nap.

'You let me sleep too long. You sat here the whole time?' he croaked.

'I went on my phone for a while. I looked at some apartments.'

'Oh, that's right. You went looking today. How did it go?'

Joost didn't make the effort to shift from Fenne's stomach. He was comfortable and warm with a perfect view in front of him. He felt better after his nap and could think more clearly.

'Everything's so far away or expensive,' Fenne sighed. 'I don't know what we're going to do. But don't worry about it now. Hanna and I still have time.'

The preemption of Joost's worry was well-timed. He wanted to make some suggestions, but the time wasn't right. He knew when Fenne would take advice seriously and when she wouldn't. While slumped against the headboard, this was one of the latter times.

Instead, he asked for his phone. Fenne grabbed it from his nightstand and went to hand it over, but stopped when the screen lit up. She angled it towards herself and behind the Instagram and Twitter notifications, she saw the worst photo of herself as the lockscreen.

'What is that?!' Fenne cried and sat up. Her movement made Joost lift from her abdomen and snatch his phone from her hand.

'I like that photo-'

'I don't even remember you taking that!'

Taken from his mammoth height, Joost's background was of Fenne in a band t-shirt and pajama shorts. Her hands were on her hips and her head was tilted to give a close-lipped smile. The tightness of her smile made her cheeks ball like a cartoon frog's would. The high angle made Fenne's forehead and eyes large. With no make-up on and her hair slightly dishevelled, Fenne guarded Joost's phone with an embarrassing quirk.

'It's cute. My favourite photo of you, even,' Joost said with a smile. He crossed his legs and started typing away on the screen. Fenne huffed, taking it as payback for the photo that currently housed her own lockscreen.

'Who are you messaging?' she caught sight of a familiar text screen.

'Nanda. We're going over for dinner.'

We? Fenne opened her mouth to repeat, but closed it after some thought.

'And you can change your mind about this, but I would like it if you came to the cemetery with me. If you still want to...' Joost said as he lowered his phone. He looked hopeful, but didn't want Fenne to feel obliged to go to such a depressing place.

'Of course,' she said without a beat.

—-

The weather had darkened from its midday sun. The clouds gathered with the mention of rain, but it was yet to grace the earth below.

Fenne didn't think she had ever been to cemetery in anything different. It was like they had their ecosystem around their iron gates with a constant gloom over its inhabitants.

Joost's hand was tight around her own. After lending Fenne a jumper, Joost lead her through the graves and tombstones without saying much. His usual earphones' wire dangled against his black hoodie and he had pulled on his baggy denim jeans.

When he changed their path, Fenne did her best to keep up. She wanted to adjust her grip on their entwined hands, but Joost's was so tight and desperate that she couldn't bare to. He was using her touch as an emotional support and taking it away for even a second could set something off.

The commemorative plaques sat across from each other. Engraved metal on square blocks indicated whose remains were remembered, and Fenne read them silently.

One was dated for 2009, the other in 2010. A loving husband and father, and a loving wife and mother, Joost's parents laid in front of their son, who clung to Fenne's hand while swallowing painfully.