See me now
As I see me
Hear me now
As I hear me
Know me now
As I know me-
Gone for now
*****

Sometimes people just suck, so they looked to a God to make them feel better. It was okay if they weren't perfect- or what they considered to be perfect- because, hey, there was always the next life to get it right. Alice couldn't help thinking how sick that notion was, that it was a pathetic excuse to let people not have to take responsibility for themselves. Most of all though, she couldn't let go how much people suck.

She looked around at the burial, at the hole where her friend would call home, the few people who showed up, the overcast skies, and couldn't help but think how fake it all was. All the solemnly was a joke. The world didn't care that she was gone, her family didn't care that she was gone. In fact, the place might be better without her in it. Because, for her, the sun no longer had to compete with the joy Katie had brought to her. Maybe if it was no longer at war, it would start to focus on what really matters- shedding light on the secrets that've been locked away.

She left the whole service without crying, it wasn't because she didn't like crying in front of others, but that she couldn't. She had tried, several times, and nothing.

"Honey, you okay?" Her father asked as she placed a hand on her shoulder before Alice could escape to her room.

"I'm fine," Alice lied.

"Eric had called, again."

"Okay."

"Maybe.... Maybe you should talk to him." He hesitated, wanting to say more, but instead took a drink of the beer that he had clutched in his other hand and left. Some habits were hard to break.

She didn't want to talk to Eric. He was wrong; it was her fault Katie had died. Not only that, but she had to find out on her own that Katie hadn't even killed Paul. Jake did. Jake was one of Eric's best friends.

Alice felt numb, lost, and her hands shook as her foot kept tapping at the floor. Sitting on the edge of bed, she needed something. The light coming from the window had faded; night had come.

Time. It never stops and with every tick that passes it brings you one second closer to death.

Alice closed her eyes, tried to cry, again. She still needed something. She got up, agitated, and headed into the bathroom. There was a stash of razor blades she had left. Throwing out the towels from the cabinet, as nerves racked her body, she found one and clung to it like a safety line as she turned the shower on.

Steam filled the air when she stepped under the burning water, trying to let it melt away the coldness inside. It ran over naked body like a cocoon, but it still wasn't enough. Bringing her arm in front of her she ran the razor blade over it with the other. Over and over until she could feel. Skin opened and blood washed away down the drain, taking away everything from her. Looking at the blood let her know she could still bleed, that she was still human, even if it disgusted her.

She cut again, slipping, and gritted her teeth against the pain. Finally, she felt the relief as she sank to the bottom of the tub.