The cigarette smoke curled upwards, reaching out like a wisp of a ghostly arm towards the night sky. The hoot of an owl floating from afar mixed itself with numbing strain of silence.

I walked back into the room and closed the door behind me. I went up to the window and pulled the curtains too, blocking off the thin strand of moonlight which alighted on the bed. I wanted darkness.

I laid back on the bed, staring into nothingness. No sound, no light, nobody except me. My left hand reached for my right wrist again, with the dumbfounded hope of touching the bracelet only to withdraw in a sudden spark of realization. I laid like that for sometime- still, quiet, unmoving and wide awake.

Time passed by, nothing changed. It was as if mixed with the emptiness of the room, I could still hear me and Shraddha laughing, talking, enjoying. As if the memories entrapped within the bricks bled out upon me just to torment my soul even more. The silence screamed in my ears, isolation pierced my skin like spikes. I picked up the pillow and buried my face in it, shouting as loud I could. I just wanted someone to speak, another soul to be by my side, this silence to end. I couldn’t take it anymore.
Rage soon replaced the blithering pain. Did Shraddha know how I felt right now? Did she even care? She was probably sound asleep right now in her parent’s home while I tremored in all the pain she had inflicted upon me. I hated her. I wanted her to just die. That selfish bitch.

I shook my head. There was no use thinking of all this. I took out the cigarette packet and took out another cigarette, still staring into nothingness.

Our life had pretty much returned to mundane after our second trip to Taki. All the hope we had of reinventing our romance had expectedly collapsed. The worst part was that even though in our heart of hearts both of us knew that the trip was just a momentary spark of adventure, both of us still had to go on pretending that it had made us fall in love again. I don’t know if it was for the sake of others or just for ourselves. It was a pretension that seemingly originated arbitrarily but seemed to drag on forever. Hence we smiled more often at each other, kissed more often, more passionately and put in more effort to dissimulate the lost pleasure during sex. It was if we were determined to convince ourselves that the trip had not been a waste.
My theatre group had been disbanded. Lack of funds, lack of audience and conflicting interests had torn my baby apart leaving a hollow in my heart. The phase of depression that I went through after that coupled with the strenuous effort to bring the group back together interfered with my job leading to increased absenteeism . I paid less attention at meetings, was late in completing my assignments and messed up important errands. For many such incidents I finally lost my job too.

Things on the other hand had started going well for Shraddha. The chancellor’s wife daunted by the excess crowd at the ‘Ashiyana’ had made a gamble and gave my wife’s boutique a chance to stitch a dress. She had been left so awestruck by the work done that she went about recommending the boutique to a whole lot of ladies at the kitty parties, commending the low price and the excellent professional work done. Soon enough business was booming and Shraddha collected enough funds to buy another small store near Gariahat. She started advertising in the newspapers and the radio. Hoardings were put up in various parts of Kolkata. Handloom fashion stores became a renowned brand. What had started as a small struggling business had expanded into a thriving business with numerous outlets around Kolkata.

While things went downhill with me, Shraddha was always beside me. She was genuinely concerned for my health when I refused to eat and had the patience to sit beside me and talk to me the entire night to help me get over my gloom.

However my wife’s fast growing success and my own apparent worthlessness was not hidden to the world. To any party or wedding ceremony we went to, it was not difficult to listen to the gossips that went on behind my back. Whispers shaming my state, chats of astonishment of how the husband of such a fascinating entrepreneur could be so utterly useless. This thought kept bugging me day and night  till finally
Shraddha’s consolation also turned shameful for me. Her words of support seemed like mockery to me. As a result I shut myself from even the one who wanted to help.

Things took an ugly turn very soon. It happened at a party Shraddha hosted in our own house to celebrate the opening of the first outlet of Handloom fashion stores outside Kolkata, in Durgapur. Friends, relatives, well wishers and employees all joined the party. Shraddha was dressed in an elegant black sari, greeting and mixing with the people as easily as I had seen her do the first time I had met her at my cousin’s wedding. And just like my cousin’s wedding, I sat aloof drinking a glass of champagne.

“Rushit!” Shraddha hissed coming up close to me. “Don’t just sit here like this and drink. Aunt Monisha is here, come and meet her.”

I had met aunt Monisha before. She was about fifty five and extremely voluble. She could go on ranting on her own for hours if allowed, often losing track of what she is saying and jumping incessantly from one topic to another. Her husband, an IIT professor was no less in his ability to speak nonsense and for some reason seemed to always remain fixated on money. I did not even have a speck of willingness to meet with any of these two. Still, I did not have any other choice. I sighed and relented, keeping the glass on the nearby table

“Oh there he is!”  exclaimed  the aunt with a wide grin as I approached her.

“How are you? “I smiled as she pulled me in for bear hug.

"Oh I am fine. How are you? You look so ill!”

"Yes. You’ve grown thin, “the Uncle said.

"Shraddha hasn’t been feeding you or what?”

All of us burst out laughing, even though none of us found the joke funny.

"You must be so proud of your wife right? She has achieved so much on her own? “The aunt said smiling at Shraddha. Shraddha blushed. I forced a smile too while rage flickered in my heart.

“I surely am”, I said.

"What job are you doing now? “ the uncle asked.

Here we go, I thought. I hated going through the same routine of humiliation again and again but what other choice did I have?

"He is focusing on his drama now,” Shraddha cut in to rescue me. I looked at her with irritation on my face. Nobody had asked her to speak for me.

“But didn’t his drama company close down" the aunt said with astonishment.

I was surprised. They did not know what job I did but knew my drama group had been disbanded. I realised they knew I was unemployed. They only wanted to pry. I wanted no more of this nonsense.

“Yes it did and I am unemployed right now,” I said.

A flash of embarrassment swept over Shraddha’s face. For a moment it felt like it was a disgrace for her to even stand beside me.

"God! See what your wife’s doing, take some inspiration from her,”The aunt started. “You can also launch a start up. You have an expert right in your home, she can guide you through. What’s the use sitting at home and sulking? Look at Shraddha. Even she had to struggle so much when she started the boutique and now look at her where she has reached. If she could singlehandedly do so much so can you. Just try."

Blood had started boiling in my veins. Singlehandedly? Her boutique? What on earth was she even talking about?

Shraddha sensed my anger even though I managed to hold the wavering smile on my face.

“It isn’t like that aunt Monisha,”Shraddha said. “Had it not been for Rushit I would not have been able to even start the boutique. He was always there with me.”

"Exactly,” The uncle said. “So why sit idle now? You can always help your wife run the business. You know? Do the small things like looking after accounts and all. I am not asking you to become like a co-owner. Business is not everyone’s cup of tea. But you can always help her out in small ways right? “

The words pierced through my heart like poisoned arrows. I could not stand there another second. I nodded hastily, clenched my fists and walked away. I picked up the half emptied glass of champagne which I had left on the table and emptied it in one gulp. A waiter passed by with glasses of champagne neatly arranged on a tray. I stopped the waiter and emptied two glasses in quick succession. I took another glass and stormed out of the hall.

When Shraddha returned to the living room, all the guests had left. She entered and saw me sitting on the wooden chair with a glass in my hand and a half emptied bottle of vodka on the table in front of me.

"What the heck Rushit? Why did you just walk away like that? “

I didn’t reply and took another sip from the glass. Shraddha paused for a second and moved in a bit closer with am empathic look on her face.

“Why do you get so angry? You know how aunty and uncle are. “

Shraddha sat beside me and put a hand gently over my head. I immediately swept it away in a violent jest. Shraddha looked at me with astonishment.

"Come on, don’t behave like a kid”
“Shut up and leave me alone,” I said grinding my teeth and emptying the glass before proceeding to fill it up again.
Shraddha seemed concerned. She could clearly see I was already dead drunk. Swiftly she took hold of the bottle while I was pouring and stood up.

"You have drunk enough,”She said walking over to the wine rack and keeping the bottle inside.

"Bring it back right now woman! “ I shouted.
Shraddha turned to me with smoldering eyes.

"Keep your voice down. I have been embarrassed by you enough at the party. Everybody was talking about how you just barged out. I understand that you are upset but stop all this nonsense. Do you know how it hurts to keep on making excuses for you? So just stop and go change now. It’s very late and I am exhausted.”

My jaws clenched tighter with fury.

“That’s all I am to you now huh? An embarrassment? “

Shraddha looked away and sighed.

“No Rushit,” She said softly, turning to me again. “ I know it’s bad”

She sat down close to me and held my hand.

"But we are in this together. Your failure is my failure too sweetheart just like my success is-"

"Your success?” I snapped at her. “What the fuck do you mean your success? You had that boutique because of me. I was the one who had to bear the brunt of all those loans, I had to sacrifice my pleasures, take money from our theatre group's fund to pay off the dues! I was the one who begged your father to let you start this boutique. You didn’t understand how to start! It was me all along who looked after the finances, employees and everything. I allowed you to start the business. You are what you are because of me and now you say it’s your success? To hell with your success and your ‘fascinating’ entrepreneurial skills. All this splendor would eventually land up in thrash in two days, if you are to head all of this alone. And don’t even try to look sorry for me! You were enjoying it the whole time, weren’t you? You bitch. When that sick bastard uncle of yours said, ‘business isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, you just freaking enjoyed it! My words against me, brilliant! “
A bead of tear rolled down Shraddha’s eye. Her face was frozen with pain and disbelief.

"Rushit? “She managed to mumble. “What’s the matter with you?”

"I am sick and tired of you that’s what the matter is with me, “I said standing up and stumbling towards the wine rack.

“An accountant, “ I mimicked the uncle.

“Make him an accountant if nothing else. Sure why not? She has used me for so long without any hesitation, why not some more? That’s the only thing she can do after all, use people. “

Shraddha had been sitting on the sofa all this while listening to my rambling with shocked silence. But now she broke her silence, rebellious anger searing through her voice.

"Not really. That wasn’t a very good advise from him. I wouldn’t want someone who steals from his own theatre group’s fund to be my accountant.”

I had just reached the wine rack. Her words made me turn back with eyes bloodshot with indignation.

"I did it for you!”I shouted.

"I never asked you to”She shouted too standing up.

"You ungrateful-“

"Just shut up! Look at yourself! You asked me if you were an embarrassment for me, well here’s your answer—You goddamn are! It is a shame for me to introduce my drunk pathetic jobless husband to people! And stop pretending like you are the sole reason I have achieved anything. I had said it and I am going to say it again that I am what I am because of myself, because I chose to face my failures instead of getting drunk, depressed and shouting at others!”

“You dare! “I growled limping towards her with my finger raised threateningly.

“What are you going to do? Hit me? Come on do it! “

“You say it all the time because you think I won’t do it right?”

We stood facing one another, our eyes boring into each other.

“No, you don’t have the guts to.”

"You don’t think I have the guts? “

"No you miserable coward.”

“You want to see my guts? Here see my guts".

With that I lost all sense of control. With rage flaring inside my body I grabbed hold of Shraddha and pushed her away with all the force I could muster. The same woman I had adored and wanted to spend my entire life with, the one who was everything I had ever wanted, my wife, my Shraddha, fell down with a shriek, struck down by the very man whom she had trusted more than anybody else, the same man she thought she was safe with, the man she had decided to spent her life with, her husband, her Rushit.

The glass on the table came crashing down and splintered to pieces. A shard of glass struck her arm. Blood gushed out and spread over the carpet from her wounds. She quickly got up, gasping for breath, visibly shaken with fright. She moaned with pain and  looked at her hand which was painted red with blood. Then she looked at me, tears rolling down, pain flickering in her eyes.

"Who are you?” was all she could murmur.

I was broken out of the trance. What had I done? Panic quickly grew inside me but thoughts remained muddled. I tried to utter an apology but all my intoxicated lips could pronounce was an incomprehensible squeak.

Shraddha got up on her feet in a hurry holding onto her wounded hand and ran towards the bedroom. She looked back once. There was an unmistakable fear on her face. The same fear that flashes in the eyes of the simple doe when she flees from the claws of a reckless predator.

“Shrad-Shraddha wait”I mumbled as I stumbled after her.

Shraddha didn’t turn. She ran into the bedroom and locked the door behind her. I dragged myself towards the bedroom and started banging on the door.

“Shraddha open please. I am sorry Shraddha. I am sorry,” I pleaded weeping.

"Shraddha please open up. Please, I beg you.”

I kept crying and banging the door, finally collapsing to my knees. But she didn’t reply or open the door. My sobs gave way to wailing but the door didn’t open. I pushed myself to the wall in front of the door and kept crying.

The entire night I sat in front of the door with my back against the wall, hoping the door would open. I was determined to stay there and call her till she came out. However like all my other resolutions, like every other promise I had made to Shraddha, even this one ended in an abysmal failure. Before long I had drifted off to sleep.

The next morning I woke up on the ground in front of the bedroom, the same place I had dozed off to sleep. The door was open. For sometime there was confusion, the entire night seemed like a bad dream, materializing in my mind in bits and parts. I tried getting up but immediately a wave of intense nausea along with a searing headache brought me back down. With great difficulty I got on my feet and staggered into the bedroom. The room looked so empty. I went over to the cupboard and found it almost vacant, only my clothes lay stacked in one corner.

I hurried out of the room, my temples bursting with agony. I called her name and checked the living room. I scampered down to the hall and to the garden. I kept calling her name with some naïve part of my mind still believing she was somewhere close enough to hear.

I took out my mobile and tried calling her but her phone was switched off. I collapsed onto my knees once again, wearied by the headache, the churning stomach and most of all the utter disbelief that she had left.