Annnnd here we go back to angst! Please read the end note after you're done with the oneshot!                                                                                                                                      -Colorado

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Numbers had meaning in Adrien's life.

Anytime the number 7 popped up, a smile came to his face thinking of his first love. Whenever 22 came up, Adrien became lost in memories of the day his mother disappeared. His first shoot had him wear 5 outfits, so the number 5 was always special.

25,913. For nearly three months Adrien tried over and over and over again to save Ladybug. Three months of nothing but trying to outwit Desperada. Three months of failing over and over again. When he had finally ripped off the snake miraculous, nothing had changed for her. Nothing had changed, for anyone. But he had gone through three months of watching the love of his life die over and over and over again.

25,913 was the worst number to exist, even worse than 22. So, it was a good thing that he didn't run into it all that often!

But that number was all that rang through his head as Ladybug nervously explained to him that Viperion wasn't available, she needed the snake miraculous to defeat the akuma, he already knew the limits of his power, blah, blah, blah. He wasn't paying a whole lot of attention to her. His eyes were drawn to the bracelet in her hand.

Three months. Three whole months.

He couldn't do that again. There was no way he could handle it.

"Adrien, are you okay?" Ladybug's voice cleared his thoughts. He shook his head, giving her a shaky grin.

"I-I'm fine." He promised, but Ladybug's skeptical look told him that she saw straight through him.

"I've got a plan this time, don't worry." Ladybug gave him a reassuring grin. "And you won't be on the front lines. Our problem is that we don't know what powers the akuma has. We want you to observe and report back to us. Once we know, I can assess whether or not I need the snake miraculous."

"I-" Adrien couldn't find the strength to speak. Of course, Ladybug had to see him in the alleyway right after he had detransformed. Because life seemed to have a personal vendetta against him. Maybe it was a side effect of being the bearer of bad luck.

"I understand the last time you were Aspik, things didn't go as planned-."

"I failed you." Adrien cut her off. "I failed you 25,913 times."

"You remember the amount of times it was?" Ladybug gasped.

"Of course I do." Adrien laughed bitterly. "I spent nearly three months trying to save you and every time I failed. What makes you think I won't fail this time?" His voice cracked.

"Oh Adrien," Ladybug pulled him into a hug and his heart skipped a beat. "You didn't fail me. Each and every time you were able to face Desperada again. I'm sorry that I made you feel like you had to try over and over again."

He melted into her, his arms finally embracing her. He held her close to him, not out of love, but out of relief. Ladybug was here and she survived. She was alive. She hadn't been shot down by Desperada. He hadn't messed up that badly. 

"You were the one who suggested Luka in the first place." Ladybug said quietly. "You had the strength to say that Aspik wasn't working, and I needed to try something else out. That's something I'm not sure if I could do. If it weren't for you, Viperion wouldn't have existed and we would have never defeated Desperada, let alone the hundreds of akumas Viperion was present for. We won those because of your decision. So, believe me when I say that you didn't fail anybody." Ladybug finished her speech, pulling back from him. "I never blamed you, ya know and I certainly never thought it was your fault."

"Thank you, Ladybug." Adrien took in a deep breath. His fears and insecurities weren't gone, that would come with time and patience, but it managed to calm the panic in his mind. "So, you would only need me to sit back and observe, not fight?"

"Yes." Ladybug's eyes lit up. "And I promise as soon as we know what his powers are, you can return the miraculous to me."

"One last question, and this might sound a little weird but it's important: will you need Chat Noir while I'm watching the akuma?"

That had been the major problem last time after all. Try as he might, he couldn't possibly be Chat Noir and Aspik at the same time. Ladybug could find another snake miraculous holder, but she couldn't find another Chat Noir.

He saw her pondering the question, the wheels in her brain turning.

"I think in this situation, the use of the snake miraculous is more important. If one of us gets captured, you would be able to make sure it never happened. Cataclysms, while essential to battling akumas, normally don't come into play until the end. So for right now, no, I won't need Chat while I'm watching the akuna. Would it be nice to have my partner there with me? Of course, it always is, however, Aspik is more important in this case." Ladybug decided, nodding her head.

"Then Aspik it is." Adrien gulped, grabbing the bracelet.

"Are you sure? If you think it'll be too taxing on you I can always find someone else." Ladybug bit her lip, obviously doubting what she was saying. That was all it took to steal Adrien's resolve.

"I can do this, LB, promise you. As long as I don't see you die, then I will be okay." He slipped the bracelet on, its weight greeting him like an old friend that he hadn't seen in months.

"Okay." Ladybug grabbed his hand and gave it a quick squeeze. "I trust you Adrien."

She readied her yo-yo to swing away as he transformed into Aspik, giving her a quick bow as a "ta-da!", his heart melted when she laughed.

"What do you think would be the best vantage point?" He asked, adrenaline suddenly making itself known.

"I think anywhere in this neighborhood, as long as the akuma doesn't spot you. We don't need Hawkmoth to know that there is another snake hero." Ladybug nodded her head, more to herself than to Aspik.

"Okay. I'll scout out the area and see what works best. I'll wait to use the power until I'm in position. I wouldn't want to tire Sass out by having to transform again."

"You're so considerate, Adrien." Ladybug sighed, before startling. "I mean! That's very kind of you. Okay, I'm going to go ahead and go now, good luck!"

"Wait-!"

But Ladybug was gone before Aspik had the chance to say goodbye. He was left alone, in Aspik's suit once again. He hated how it felt familiar to him. After all this time, he still couldn't rid himself of those three torturous months. He breathed a shaky breath, trying to get the memories to stop plaguing him.

'I'm not a failure, remember? Ladybug doesn't think I'm a failure and so I'm not. That's how this works. I'm not a failure, I'm not a failure, I'm not...' Aspik couldn't stop the vivid memories, the disappointment hitting him like a truck. 'Come on, I can't fail this time. Ladybug is counting on me!' He slowly jumped to the top of the rooftops, closing his eyes to try and rid the memories.

It didn't work.

Aspik opened his eyes to see the akuma glaring at Ladybug, who had collected Rena Rouge, Carapace, and Ryuko to help her.

"Second chance." He whispered, hiding behind a chimney.

The akuma was saying something but he was too far away to hear. He was sure it was the typical akuma banter. He watched as it shot a blast, hitting Rena square in the chest. His eyes widened as Rena disappeared. Carapace yelled out in rage, running forward and hitting the akuma square in the chest. To Aspik's horror, he disappeared as well.

It was happening again. Everyone was going to disappear and it was all his fault. First Rena, then Carapace, who was next? Ryuko, the girl he might also hold affections for? Ladybug? She had promised that she would stay safe for him, but he knew her. If she thought that it was necessary, then she would break that promise.

'Please not her. Anyone but her.'  Aspik begged with the universe. 

Ladybug glanced up back towards the rooftops, towards where he was. She frowned, tapping her wrist. Aspik blinked, his hand slowly coming around the snake miraculous. That was right! He could set things right! In fact that was his job, and now he had more information for Ladybug.

God, being Aspik must have affected him more than he thought.

"Second chance." He whispered, resetting time.

A bright light covered him and when it faded, he was still behind the chimney. However, a quick glance told him that Rena Rouge and Carapace were still there. He breathed a sigh of relief. They were okay, and now he could protect them.

He pulled out his lyre, contacting Ladybug. He saw her pull out her yo-yo and glance back at the rooftops, signaling to the alleyway.

Aspik dropped down, already pulling the snake miraculous off of his wrist. He sighed, already feeling much more comfortable.

"Adrien! Have you collected enough information?"

"Avoid the blasts, or you will disappear. The same thing will happen if you hit its chest. You see where the plate is?" Adrien pointed to the akuma. Its chest was a gray armored plate, in comparison to the rest of its body. "Its ankles and wrists have the same plates. The blast came out of there."

"Thank you, Adrien." Ladybug reached up to kiss his cheek. Adrien's hand flew up to where she had kissed him,a shell shocked look on his face. "You don't know how much you have helped us all. I know being Aspik again couldn't have been easy."

"I-I'm just happy to help, m- Ladybug. Really. You kept your promise about not getting hurt, too. I don't think I could've taken it if you were hit."

"Well, here I am. Safe and sound." She opened her arms up for him. Adrien leaned forwards and hugged her.

"Thank you." He whispered. He slowly pulled apart from her and gave her the snake miraculous back. "Now, go and kick that akuma's butt."

Ladybug nodded, her eyes looking around the alley. Adrien held back a grin. He recognized that look in her eye, she was forming a plan. Hopefully, one that wouldn't include Aspik. He certainly liked being Chat Noir. His memories were less painful when he was with Plagg. She nodded, her eyes meeting his yet again.

"Don't worry, I have a plan. You won't need to be Aspik for this, I promise. You have done more than enough for us." Ladybug gave him a blinding grin, and Adrien felt his heart skip a beat.

"T-thank you, Ladybug."

"However, I will need Chat Noir, so if you see any alley cats, please point him in my direction." Ladybug gave him her proper salute and a wink. "Bug out!" She swung back towards the akuma. Adrien allowed himself a couple seconds to stare after her. She was so beautiful, Adrien could barely stand it. 

He was finally able to be useful as Aspik, slowly recovering from the Desperada situation. He just hoped that his brief time as Aspik today wouldn't cause another batch of nightmares. He still remembered waking up bathed in sweat at 2 in the morning after it had happened. Yeah, it wasn't fun. But hey! It shouldn't happen this time, because he didn't fail! He did his job and only had to watch two of his teammates die once! So surely nightmares weren't on the agenda, right?

Right.

God, Adrien hoped that he would still feel the same at midnight, when the rest of the world was sleeping and he was all alone. 

"You okay, kid?" Plagg whispered, flying out of his pockets.

"Come on, Plagg, we've got an akuma to defeat." Adrien transformed and ran out to join the fight, trying to not let bad memories plague him.  

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Adrien stared at his ceiling. He was attempting to get a nap after the honestly exhausting akuma fight, but he just couldn't fall asleep. Even after Chat Noir showed up, the fight still took quite a long time. Too long, in Adrien's humble opinion. So he had tried to fall asleep, ignoring the fight and what he had to do. Unfortunately, his brain seemed to be actively working against him.

Even though nothing catastrophic had happened during his time as Aspik, he couldn't help but replay the five minutes over and over and over again. He knew, logically, that his job could only be done if someone got hurt. Still, Rena and Carapace were friends of his. He didn't want anyone to get hurt, but it was always worse when it was someone he knew. Even though he knew he had to sit back and watch, he couldn't help but berate himself for not doing more.

But if he had done more, that would've jeopardized his entire mission. The point of the snake miraculous was to undo mistakes. You can't really make use of that unless there are mistakes to undo in the first place. So logically, Adrien shouldn't be beating himself up about not being able to save Rena and Carapace. Logically, he would've surmised that he did in fact save them because he was able to use a second chance and report back to Ladybug. Logically, he wouldn't still be playing the five minutes and criticizing every detail.

But since when has Adrien done things logically?

His... pity party? Self-deprecation? Moping? His... situation was interrupted by a knock at his window.

Adrien sat up, glancing over to see who in the world could be knocking on his window. He saw a red and black beauty waving at him. He rubbed his eyes, making sure he hadn't fallen asleep or gone off the deep end and started hallucinating or something. But no, Ladybug was still there.

Adrien rushed over to let her in, trying to calm his inner squealing. About half of the daydreams he had started out this way. Ladybug randomly shows up outside his house, then they confess their love for each other, then run away to a desert island with a hamster named-.

"Adrien?" Ladybug cleared her throat, waving her hand in front of him.

"Oh!" He blushed, rubbing the back of his neck. How could he get caught up in his daydreams like that? Talk about embarrassing. "Hey, L-Ladybug. What's up?" He leaned back only to realize there was nothing to lean back on and nearly fell.

Ladybug, luckily, seemed more charmed than annoyed at his antics.

"I wanted to make sure you're okay." Ladybug said, giving him a comforting grin. Despite it, Adrien felt his heart drop. He really didn't want to talk about how being Aspik made him feel, but he knew better than to lie to Ladybug. "I can't pretend to know what it's like to try and rescue me for nearly three months, but I know it wasn't easy." She placed a hand on his back. "Then today, with me asking you to take up that role again and having to watch people get hurt... I know you said it wasn't a big deal, but people can lie about those types of things, you know? I know I do." Ladybug rambled. Adrien felt a grin come to his face, not caring about the dread pooling in his stomach. "Anyways, I'm getting off topic. I wanted to make sure that you were alright."

Adrien gulped, debating for a quick second to just smile and wave everything off. Then Ladybug looked at him. The concern in her eyes was one that he rarely saw, even as Chat Noir. She really only looked that worried whenever he sacrificed himself. There was no reason for her to be that upset over a civilian that she hardly knew. And yet, she was. Adrien felt the lie die on his tongue.

"Can I be honest with you, Ladybug?" He asked quietly, already feeling the tears well up in his eyes.

"Always, Adrien. Always." She put an arm around him, leading him to sit down on the couch.

"I really don't think I am okay." The dam broke, and Adrien found himself crying into Ladybug's shoulder.

"It's okay, I've got you, you're alright." Ladybug whispered, holding him closer to her. "You're allowed to cry, okay? You talk when you're ready to."

Adrien nodded against her, continuing to cry. He held her closer, feeling her breath underneath him. It reminded him that yes, she was in fact alive. Desperada hadn't gotten to her and neither had the akuma today. She was here and she was safe. He hadn't failed her, he hadn't failed her.

"I'm sorry." He choked on his words, raising his face up to meet hers. She didn't look embarrassed or grossed out or anything of the sort. Just worried for him. It almost made him want to cry again.

"Why in the world are you sorry?" Ladybug pulled back, wiping some of his tears away.

"Nothing bad happened today. I mean yeah, seeing some of the heroes get shot sucked, but it was nothing that I couldn't fix. I only had to use second chance once and here I am crying like some baby." Adrien rapidly dried his tears away, already feeling embarrassment sink in.

"Adrien, no." He looked up, seeing Ladybug's harsh gaze. He wanted to wince, had he made her mad? That was the last thing he wanted! "You're feelings are valid." She poked him in the chest. "You had to see two people die, okay? That is not something that normal people can handle. Your response is perfectly normal. You are allowed to be upset and you are allowed to cry. It does not matter if there wasn't some big catastrophe or not. You can still be upset." Ladybug grabbed him by the shoulders, gently shaking him.

"But, this was nothing compared to last time. I don't understand why it's affecting me so much." He put his hands on top of hers, his watery eyes staring into hers.

"Maybe last time is part of the reason it's affecting you so much! You had to put yourself in a situation where things had gone horribly wrong before. Even if nothing to that measure happened, you might still be feeling some of the emotional turmoil it took on you." Ladybug brushed his hair as he leaned into her.

Why they were being so physically affectionate, he had no idea, but hey! He wasn't complaining.

"Especially if you didn't allow yourself time to think and process it earlier, which, I'm guessing you didn't because of the akuma." Ladybug continued, her voice softening.

"I mean, it really wasn't the time to." Adrien gave her a wry grin.

"Well, you can cry all you want now. I'm not going anywhere, so you can vent to me all you want. And if any sneaking butterflies come in, I'll just get them with my yo-yo, okay?" Ladybug ruffled his hair, and gave him a soft smile.

"Okay." Adrien whispered. "You promise?"

"I promise."

Adrien laid his head back down on Ladybug's shoulder, finally allowing the memories of Desperada and today to hit him in full force. And then he cried. Lady of her word, Ladybug was right there besides him the entire time, never letting him go.

Being Aspik had taken a toll on him, but with Ladybug by his side, he was determined to overcome it. 

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Bit more serious note today. Its common in a lot of fanon content that Adrien has ptsd after the events in Desperada. I personally believe this headcanon.With that in mind, Adrien's mindset here is a bit flawed. If you or a loved one is struggling with ptsd, please try and discuss it with a mental health expert whether that's a therapist or another doctor. Relying on friends and family members is fantastic! However, mental health specialists will allow you to not only better understand your condition, but also how to live with it. Even if you arent diagnosed with ptsd, but you go through an event that is taxing on you, you're always, always, ALWAYS, allowed to feel sad. Anger, sadness, and getting upset are all natural human emotions. We can feel them, and we're supposed to feel them! It's when we purposefully hurt others because of these emotions that they become an issue. You are allowed to cry about things that you found upsetting, even if you feel like it's not a big deal. No matter what gender you are, you are allowed to feel emotions and go deeper into your mental health. Okay, serious talk over now. I hope you guys liked this one!                                                                                                                        -Colorado