Kendall

I don't sleep for the rest of the night. I just turn my back on Josh and stare at the grayish blue paint on his walls.

And I think. I think about what has happened since Wednesday. Wow. It was just Wednesday that we found out about the scrimmage. It was just Thursday that I was threatened after practice. It was just Friday that I fixed the hole in the middle of the field with Josh. And it was just over twelve hours ago that I was raped for the sake of being able to win a lacrosse scrimmage. It was just an hour or so ago that Josh's mom said those hateful things to me, and when Josh kissed me.

That kiss. It wasn't just a kiss. It was forceful and unrequited, like the ones that lead to what happened it the equipment room.

That's exactly what it was. It was just like my attack. It brought back the images that our kiss at the field had hidden away of the inside of the equipment room. It gave me the same feeling I got when I was shoved to the ground, touched and belittled.

I'm not sure what time it is when I slip out from underneath the soft covers of the queen sized bed. I crawl to the foot of the bed and hop onto the floor, landing with a quiet smack of my feet against the wood. I tip toe over to the dresser on the other side of the room, pulling my phone out of the miniature duffle bag I packed my stuff in. I see that it is 6:45 and I know that Destiny will already be awake, about to begin her morning run.

I open up my ongoing conversation with my best friend and type up a new message, sending it before I can change my mind. Destiny replies a mere minute after the text is delivered, telling me that she's on her way over and will be in the driveway in fifteen minutes.

I begin to toss my dirty clothes in to the duffel bag and put on a pair of socks. I lean my hand on the polished wood surface of the dresser and let it hold me up as I slide my feet in to my old pair of high top white Converse, now more of a dishwater color. As I begin to put on my second shoe, I stumble a little and end up knocking my hair brush on to the ground. It makes a loud crashing noise that seems to echo off the floor and bounce off the walls. I stop dead in my tracks, looking over to Josh to see if he woke up because of the noise. He stirs slightly, but his eyes remain closed. I breathe out a sigh of relief. This will be easier if he's not awake. He won't try to stop me from leaving.

I quickly finish putting my shoe on and slip the old iPhone that Josh gave me as a birthday present Sophomore year in to the rolled over front part of my sweat pant pajama bottoms before beginning to walk out of the room.

Helpful hint to anyone who tries to sneak out of a room with wooden floors without being heard, it doesn't work.

My foot hits a creaky floorboard almost immediately after I begin my way out of the room. I hear Josh turn over in the bed and I can practically feel it when his eyes land on me, halfway out of the room.

"Where are you going?" he asks groggily, yawning at the end.

"Destiny's picking me up in five minutes. I'm staying with her and Rachel tonight and will be back home with my parents tomorrow night," I reply, turning around so I'm facing him. His hair sticks up in different directions and dark circles are under his eyes.

"Wait, why?"

"You know why," I reply, the words coming out harsher than I intended them to. He slips out from underneath the comforter, exposing his green flannel pajama pants and white tank top with the sides cut out, and walks towards me.

"Was it my mom? Don't listen to her. She's just a bitch," he says, putting his hand around my wrist and pulling me away from the doorway.

"It wasn't your mom. Well, it kind of was, but not really."

"Then what was it?"

"You seriously don't know?" I ask and he just looks back at me blankly. "Wow. You're unbelievable sometimes you know."

I yank my hand from his grip and sling the duffel bag higher up on my shoulder, walking out the door and down the stairs.

"Kendall, please don't leave. I want you to stay here," he begs, but he doesn't understand. He truly doesn't know why I want to leave, and that just makes me want to leave even more.

I walk in to the garage and grab my stick and string bag that holds my goggles and mouth guard. I enter the house again and walk out the front door, Josh still following behind me, begging me to stay.

The sun has just begun to rise, casting an orange tint across the sky. The air is still cool, causing goosebumps to rise up on my arms and neck.

"Kendall, please. Don't leave. Stay here one more night. I don't want you to go," Josh pleads.

"I can't stay here! I can't stay with you right now!" I shout.

"Me? What did I do?" he questions.

"The fact that you don't know what you did just makes it worse!"

"Tell me what I did so I can fix it!"

"Figure it out on your own!" I hiss.

"Just come back inside and we can talk about it." He puts his hands on my shoulders and looks deep into my eyes, but I simply push him away.

"No."

"Well what do you want me to do if you won't tell me what's wrong?"

"You should know what's wrong! You should've been able to tell, but no. You don't pay attention. You don't care," I cry, my face turning a bright red from my anger.

"I don't care?" he gasps. "Yeah, totally. I definitely don't give a crap about you. I definitely didn't stay the night with you when you were scared on Thursday. I definitely didn't let you stay with me since they found out where you lived. I definitely didn't do everything I could to defend you from that creep Michael Corbin!"

Destiny pulls her Dodge truck in to Josh's circular driveway and I start walking towards it, but Josh gets in front of me, blocking my path.

"Don't just accuse me of not caring about you and then try to walk away!" he yells. "I care more about you than I care about anyone else in the entire world. I love you Kendall. I love you more than everyone I've ever met combined."

"Let me leave," I say slowly, spelling out each word.

"Tell me why," he demands.

"I already told you. Figure it out." I shove my way past him and almost am at the door to the truck when he finally figures it out.

"Is it about the kiss?" he asks and I turn around quickly.

"Of course it's about the kiss," I snap.

"I already said that I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I wasn't thinking." He walks up to me and takes my hands in his, squeezing them slightly. "Please, don't leave. I'm begging you. Don't let my mistake screw this up. I love you."

"Sometimes sorry isn't enough," I say. I drop my hands from his and take the last few steps to the truck. I open the door and pull myself inside, tossing my equipment and overnight stuff in to the back seat.

Destiny pulls out of the driveway without saying a thing. I look out my window as the large house the Hylands live in fades away and then I begin to cry. Everything that has happened starts spilling out. I tell her about the pictures and the voice on the speakers. I tell her about the graffiti and the background check. I even tell her about the rape and the kiss.

Destiny just keeps driving, listening to my sobbing and my story.

"Why didn't you tell me about the stalking? I could've had my dad look in to it," Destiny says once I finally finish rambling. Mr. Simmons is a powerful police officer for the Pittsburgh P.D.

"I thought that it was just a prank to psych me out before the scrimmage. I didn't think anything serious was going to happen," I explain. She just nods her head.

"Are you and Josh over or...," she asks after a bride moment of silence.

I can't even answer the question. I don't know how to. I don't know the answer and quite frankly, I'm unsure of what I want the answer to be at the moment. I love him. I always have loved him, but what he did was horrible. He doesn't understand that what he did was like what happened to me in the equipment room, just not going as far.
All I can do to answer the question is cry, my tears burning my cheeks and dripping on to my pajamas.

We drive the rest of the way to the Simmons' house in silence with nothing but the radio playing quietly filling the car, my thoughts filling my mind, and my tears.