Gone. Everything was just... gone.

Happiness, hope.. the will to move, to breathe, to live...

..Mitchell...our child...

...gone.

There was nothing left of me. If destroying me was Alexander's goal then he finally succeeded.

I was left in shambles. So I did what I always did and I ran. I ran as far as I could without giving a damn where the hell I ended up or what happened to me. I just wanted to disappear into nothing, but the pain of it all kept me from drifting away, anchoring me with barbed shackles.

It was time to change again. It was time to become someone else.

I needed a reminder, something to keep me from becoming complacent. I needed to remember just who controlled me and my future. Alexander Prescott wouldn't forget, couldn't forget that he would never escape this punishment, would never get a happy ending.

I'm a monster so why not become the monster.

I had to accept that my forever was full of pain no matter what I did to try and make it otherwise.

Acceptance... maybe that's the wrong word. Resignation seems more appropriate.

I hid myself away, staying indoors and refusing to eat. It's not like I'd die anyway. Trust me I've tried everything and still... I remain while everything I ever love or care about turns to dust. No matter the time that passed, or the ache in my stomach, I remained unchanged. I remained a ghost that couldn't seem to disappear.

The years passed slowly as I wandered from city to city. I tried to numb the pain with drugs and alcohol, but it was never enough to forget his eyes when I drove that dagger into him. It was never enough to forget Marshall's frightened tears. It wasn't enough to forget that awful scream when he awoke in Molly's body. It wasn't enough to forget all of the loss and pain.

I was beginning to think the oceans were full of nothing but my tears, Lord only knows I've cried more than enough to drown us all.

I tried to stay away, but of course he found me again. I didn't see it at first, the differences were so drastic that it took over an hour of being in his presence to realize just who it was, but it was him.

His 'friends' called him Monty, users called him Money... I called him by his name, Montgomery.

He was like two people shoved into one... like black and white. Monty was tough and fearless out of necessity. He knew how to handle himself and people respected him for it. Montgomery was confident, but soft and needy when we were alone. He was just 17 when we met, just a kid, and I swear I tried my damnedest to push him away, but he was determined. I used the drugs he provided as an excuse to stay.

It wasn't the most ideal lifestyle, constantly craving the numb euphoria, but I knew it was useless to try and 'save' him. He would die either way, why not let him be happy until then.

I stayed there with him but emotionally I remained distant, almost to the point of cruelty. I was trying to push him away, but he just kept coming back for more. I welcomed the warmth of his body and the release of the opiates he provided.

He used to tell me that I was his drug of choice, his personal addiction. If he only knew...

I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. I woke to eerie silence, and an empty bed. I found him dead on his couch. I didn't cry, I didn't hold him in my arms and curse the world for its cruelty as I normally did. I didn't beg Alexander for mercy, how could I when I knew he would grant me nothing. I simply kissed his forehead, apologized and left him there.

Maybe I'd finally lost every shred of humanity I had left. I know I'm not worth love or comfort or forgiveness. I know I deserve isolation and loneliness.

I know I deserve to be alone.

I don't know why I came back to New York. I guess it's just easier to blend in when it's so full of people, resident and transient. I guess New York is the place where dreams are supposed to be realized.

For me it's full of nightmares.

I began to see his face everywhere I turned... not Mitchell's, but Alexander's.

I swear he's alive and I swear he's watching me fall apart until i'm nothing but empty skin and bones. I could see him smirking as he disappeared into the sea of bodies moving down the sidewalk. I always tried to catch him, hoping to somehow find a way to make him end this, but no matter how fast I ran, I could never catch him. He was my personal haunting, my ghost.

I knew I had to run... to get as far from New York and that ghost as I could, but nothing ever works out the way I plan. Of course when I decided to run away that's when I ran into you... literally. I just barely managed to catch you before you went tumbling down the stairwell. God, your face...

You look so much like him and the color in your cheeks as I set you back on your feet all but ripped my heart in two. Maybe that's why Alexander was laughing. He knew... he always knew how to hurt me the most. Maybe Alexander isn't even alive and I've finally lost my mind... I guess that would make more sense. I guess that's the only future that's left for me now.

I tried to run from you but you have something, a draw about you, an allure that holds me captive. I should have ran that day as I intended, left my gorgeous new neighbor behind and saved you from all of this, but i'm selfish that way.

I stayed and tried to somehow make it work. I tried to keep our relationship platonic, but I couldn't ignore the pull. I gave in and let myself go. Still, I can't forget, not when every time you call me 'Alex' it reminds me how this ends.

You have such a bright future. You have the drive to make all of your dreams come true, to be whatever it is that you want to be. I truly want all of that for you, Mason. I want to see your picture on billboards and on magazine covers. I want to hear your voice on the radio. I want you to be the man you're meant to be.

You can't do that if I'm here. You can't do that if you're dead.

It's not that I don't love you, I really, honestly do. Despite how hard I've fought to keep you safe, you've managed to crawl your way right into my heart. I've been lucky enough to spend nearly five incredible years in your arms.

That's why I know I have to do this.

Maybe this is how it ends. I fall in love but let you go. It's time to let you be happy without me in the way. I have to at least try for your sake. I love you too much to just stand by let you die like all the others.

Maybe it'll be better this way, knowing you're out there happy in someone else's arms. Maybe thats precisely the torture I need to end this.

I have to try. I hope you understand that.

I'm sorry it has to be this way. I'm sorry I let it get this far. I'm sorry for everything.

Part of me hopes you don't even listen to this, but part of me hopes that you do... if only so I can tell Mitchell one last time just ...

...

... just how much I have always loved and will always love him. He was the most amazing thing in my life and always will be. He's the axis which my entire world revolves around. I'll never stop loving him and I'll never stop fighting to free him.

He deserved more, so much better than all of this. He deserved better than me.

So this is my final goodbye.

My beautiful, perfect King... I love you to the moon and back and far beyond.

Always and forever. My heart is yours.

Until the end of time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Scott wiped at his eyes as he turned off the recorder and placed it on the short letter he'd written to go with it. He gathered his bags and put them by the door. There were only two things left to do.

He held his last two gifts in his hands, the first of which was a loaded gun.

When he'd heard about recent break-ins in their building he'd immediately panicked, knowing it could be the very thing that took Mason away from him. It had caused quite the arguments, but eventually Mason saw the fear in his eyes and agreed to learn how to use a gun. He was quite good at it, but still hadn't agreed to actually purchase one. He didn't like the idea of having it in the apartment, but Scott just wanted him to be able to protect himself if he needed to.

The second gift... was the wooden horse.

He knew if he kept it that it would drive him crazy with want and need to get back to his lost love. That last memento had always kept Mitchell's memory close to his heart, and if he wanted to truly save him then he needed to let him go.

If he hadn't been completely falling apart at the thought of leaving the last tangible piece of Mitchell behind he probably would have heard the keys in the door before he heard that name whispered out behind him.

"Alex?"

He quickly turned towards him, not knowing what to do. His own face was blotchy and covered in tears. His eyes were red and puffy from hours of crying.

"You weren't supposed to be here."

"What are you doing?" The other boys eyes widened as he took in everything, the gun in his hand, the tears in his eyes and the letter on his pillow.

"It's not-"

Mason didn't wait for him to finish, and surged forward to make a grab for the gun. Scott wasn't expecting the sudden movement, and the momentum sent them both crashing to the ground. The gun changed hands, but somewhere in the struggle it went off, the kickback knocking Mason backwards.

It was an accident, at least Scott thought it was, but Mason's finger had been on the trigger, and his own had simply nudged it along just enough.

The burning pain was immediate but he was still surprised to see the growing red spot on his shirt as he tried to lean up a bit.

Mason tossed away the weapon as if it were on fire, eyes wide as the realization hit him. "Scott?"

Scott couldn't help but smile as he saw his love there in front of him, scrambling to pull him into his arms. He could feel splintered wood in his palm, and as he uncurled his fingers, the little wooden horse lay with broken legs, covered in blood as the jagged pieces cut into him.

He wanted to laugh at the symbolism.

"I didn't mean to! You're going to be okay, right? You can't die. You can't leave me here alone." Mitchell had managed to tug the larger man's upper half into his lap, tears falling from those beautiful brown eyes as he experienced the other side of their painful saga for the very first time.

"You're free, my love." He whispered and Mitchell shook his head.

"No. No, no I don't want this. I can't live without you. I can't. I don't want to."

"It's over... you get to live ...and love and-"

"No. I don't want to love anyone else. I can't. My heart belongs to you. Always and forever, remember?"

"Please. You deserve to be happy."

He didn't know what to do. How could Scott have ever survived this feeling? How could he have gone through this, over and over... watching the man he loved die in his arms. How was he supposed to keep breathing if Scott wasn't?

"Please don't go." He knew it was useless. Scott was fading right before his eyes, and he didn't know how to hold on to him.

"You gave me peace when all... all I ever gave you... was pain."

"No. You gave me everything you had. No one has ever loved anyone else as much as you love me. No one." He could barely breathe through his sorrow.

"To ..the moon and ..." his breathy words trailed off as the life finally left his eyes, and his body went lax in Mitchell's arms.

"To the moon and back, Your Grace. To the moon and back." He laid over him, sobbing until there was nothing left but emptiness. What was he going to do now? Would he keep being reincarnated? Was it his turn to hopelessly wander the Earth?

He wished he could give him the burial he deserved, but he couldn't. He wasn't as strong as Scott. He couldn't keep going without him. He stood on weak legs, searching for the discarded gun. Once found he took it in shaky hands and turned to head back for Scott when he caught sight of the letter and the recorder.

He picked them up and took his spot on the floor next to his lost love. He slid his fingers through blonde hair the same way they had so many years ago. He closed his eyes, tears beginning to increase in number as Scott's voice began to fill the silence after he hit play.

It's hard to imagine a feeling so strange, so foreign if you've never actually experienced it yourself. There's a feeling of disorientation, of excitement and worry all at the same time. It's overwhelming, calming, frightening.

And when they smile...

He listened to his story, finally understanding just how much he'd gone through and just how much he truly loved him. Every sniffle, every pause, every break in the voice he heard in that recording sent his heart into his stomach.

Scott was cold when he pressed a kiss to his lips and lay next to him, his head on his stiff, unmoving chest, his hand above where his heart should have been beating. He rewound the last bit of the story... letting Scott's words, trembling with sorrow be the last he heard.

So this is my final goodbye.

My beautiful, perfect King. I love you to the moon and back and far beyond.

Always and forever. My heart is yours.

Until the end of time.

He pulled the trigger.