「 KNIVES AND CONFESSIONS 」

AFTER THE CARROWS' THREATS OF reducing their regular meals, things had somewhat stabilised at Hogwarts.

Dumbledore's Army was now subdued but perhaps that was more due to the fact that Neville Longbottom has mysteriously disappeared. On the night of their search, Theo hadn't taken the Carrows seriously - he thought that perhaps Neville was in the dorms sleeping peacefully, just like Blaise had said. Or maybe he had been injured and was keeping low in an obscure hiding place.

But when two days passed and there was still no sign of Neville, people started to accept that maybe he really had found an escape from the castle. Or maybe there was a secret place that the Carrows didn't know about. Regardless, Neville Longbottom did not reappear and Dumbledore's Army seemed to have been squashed by the loss of their two major members.

Theo longed to talk to Seamus about it but since the day he and Blaise had taken Theo to McGonagall, he hadn't had the opportunity to meet him. The Carrows' threats hung over them like a stormcloud and Theo wasn't willing to risk hurting Seamus.

With the suppression of Dumbledore's Army, it had suddenly dawned upon the entire population of Hogwarts that they were students and that they had their exams in less than a month. It didn't bother Theo as much as it did the other students. He had been consistently completing his homework as a way to keep his mind from racing, but he was still quite behind in his revisions.

Thus, he and Blaise have started to go to the library to cram some information into their heads. It wasn't very effective - their workload has piled up too high and there was far too little time. But Theo found himself caring less and less about his exams. All he wanted was to get out of Hogwarts. Nevertheless, keeping himself busy with schoolwork helped him forget about the war that was surely drawing nearer.

It was one weekend that Theo woke to an empty dormitory. The left side of his bed carried a prominent depression where Blaise had slept but there was no sign of him. The curtain around the bed had been pulled open. The other beds were empty as well.

He dragged himself to the bathroom to get fresh. When he returned, he deliberated about whether or not to go to the Great Hall or stay and wait for Blaise. Chances were he wouldn't be able to find Blaise anyway, so he decided to stay. To pass the time, he folded the blanket and pushed it toward the foot of his bed, then scattered his books around to study.

He was flipping idly through his Astronomy books when Blaise returned, a tray in hand. Although Dumbledore's Army has more or less stopped operating, there had been no improvement in their meals. The Carrows, when asked, had stated that they should be grateful that their ration wasn't being cut further.

Paying no heed to the books and parchment pieces, Blaise placed the tray squarely in the middle of his bed. Theo smiled at him from behind his Astronomy book. "You're spoiling me, Zabini."

Blaise gave the briefest of smiles. He climbed onto the bed and tucked his legs neatly underneath him. On the tray were sausages, tomatoes, and Brussels sprouts. Theo gave an extended sigh at the sight of his breakfast, but it was enough to satisfy his hunger, so he scooted closer and dug in.

The plate was empty within minutes. As Blaise set aside the tray, Theo leaned against his headboard and picked up his Astronomy book again. "So where is everyone?"

Blaise took his time to clear the table and return to the bed. "Alecto Carrow wanted us to find her knife."

Theo arched a brow. "Her knife?" The last word unwittingly came out in a whisper. He didn't have very good experiences with the knife.

"She lost it," Blaise answered with the hint of a smile on his face. "She wanted us to look for it."

Theo stayed silent, trying to decide if he was being serious or not. "Look for it? In this gigantic castle?"

"I know. Draco tried to convince her that it wasn't possible but then she yelled at him. She only shut up when Amycus arrived and told her to shove it."

Theo twisted his face. "I would have liked to see that."

"Trust me. You don't."

Blaise shoved aside his books and stretched out beside him. Theo's heart gave a sudden leap inside his chest. He kept his eyes fixated on the words in his book but he was hardly reading anything anymore.

Just to do something, he hunted through the pile of books until he found one of his essays. He thrust it into Blaise's hands and dropped a heavy book on his chest, drawing a yelp of surprise and pain from him. "Check the essay for me."

Muttering something incoherently, Blaise pushed himself up by his elbow and began to correct the essay.

There was silence in the dormitory once again, save for the frequent scratching sounds as Blaise scrawled over Theo's essay with his quill, turning the whole page red. He was done all too soon and he returned the piece of parchment, saying in a formal tone, "This needs more work, Mr Nott."

Theo stared horrified at what used to be his essay. Blaise had crossed off words in every line, suggested alternatives, and written profuse notes along the margins. He gaped at Blaise, who was now staring nonchalantly at the ceiling, hands folded under his head.

"What have you done?" Theo exclaimed. "How am I going to submit this now?"

"You'll just have to rewrite."

In response, Theo rolled up his essay and smacked Blaise against the head with it.

He abandoned his book and looked for something else to do. His mind was racing with far too many thoughts to be able to concentrate on names of the different planets and moons. When he settled on his Charms homework, Blaise spoke, Theo's essay gripped tight between his fingers.

"Do you like Finnigan?"

Theo studied the cover of his book with more concentration than it required. "'Course I do."

"You know what I mean."

The Charms book lost his attention too. Finally giving in to the fact that he wasn't going to get any studying done today, Theo hitched his bag up from the floor and started to push all his books inside. "I've told you, Blaise. I don't," he snapped.

He wasn't sure why the question annoyed him so much. It was perfectly normal for Blaise to ask such a question. But in Theo's mind, the question coming from the boy he has been longing for for so long sort of hurt.

"Why not?"

And Blaise's response in that infuriatingly calm voice of his didn't do much to alleviate his irritation. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"He's charming," said Blaise. "He cares about you."

"So I'm supposed to be attracted to everyone who cares about me?"

A part of Theo urged him to stop and talk rationally, insisted that this was a perfectly normal conversation between two friends and there was no need for him to feel such exasperation. But Blaise didn't act like he was causing such turmoil in Theo - in fact, he continued to gaze at the ceiling like he could see the stars there. If he was going to be so stubbornly calm, Theo would be the opposite.

"I didn't say that." Blaise finally looked at Theo. He sat up and crawled over toward the footboard, leaning over the folded blanket, so they now sat facing each other. Theo was reminded of the day in the secret space behind the tapestry where they had sat and laughed. Only this time, Blaise had no fruitcake for him. "You guys look so happy with each other. You even kissed. So definitely there is some attraction to some degree."

"You were the one who explained to me that the attraction I felt was a misunderstanding," Theo said, voice rising. He leaned forward threateningly.

"All I'm saying is that if you guys start dating each other, you'd have my full support."

Theo would have loved any kind of support from his friends. But not for this reason. Not from Blaise.

"We'll never date," he said quietly, looking down at his feet. He was wearing the yellow socks Blaise had given him for Christmas. He suddenly felt an intense yearning to take them off and stuff them inside Blaise's mouth.

"But you could." Blaise shrugged. "You might -"

"Will you just shut up?" Theo shouted. He found himself crumpling a piece of parchment between his fists, though he couldn't remember when he had picked it up. Was it his homework? He thought he should check, but he couldn't care less. "What is going on with you? Why do you suddenly want me to be with Seamus?"

"You deserve someone better than me."

Theo nearly choked. Blaise had uttered the words so softly that Theo wouldn't have heard them if the dormitory wasn't so silent. His fingers unclenched to drop the parchment piece on the bed. He stared as Blaise, looking anywhere but at him, rose and crossed over to his own bed, where he sat with his legs hanging over the side. Theo had a million questions gathering behind his mouth, waiting to be let out, but he waited for Blaise to explain. He knew he would.

And indeed he did.

"I've always been so inconsiderate with you," Blaise said. His gaze was focused on his feet. "I never took your feelings into account. I never understood you." He gave a short, dry laugh. "Seamus has done more for you in a few days than I have done in seven years."

That's not true, Theo wanted to say. But his mouth remained clamped shut.

"That day, I didn't understand what you wanted or needed," Blaise continued speaking to his feet. "I was intent on dragging you to McGonagall's office, not thinking for a moment that you needed time to prepare yourself. You needed reassurance, and I couldn't give you that. Seamus hugged you and told you things that instantly calmed you down." He finally drew his eyes up to look at Theo. "I couldn't do that. I don't even think I can. I keep telling myself that I'll be a better friend to you, but I fuck up every time. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be a good friend."

Theo let the words settle in. He slowly slid along the bed and let his legs fall over the side, mirroring Blaise. He took some time to arrange the words in his head before he spoke, his voice calm and restrained. "So this is your solution? Hand me over to someone else and free yourself of burden?"

Blaise visibly flinched. His expression broke for the first time, showing hurt and vulnerability. It cleared soon, however.

"I have forgiven you, Blaise," Theo said, "for what you did to Luna. I forgave you because you're my best friend and you mean the world to me. And I can give you a hundred reasons right now why I think you're a good friend. But I won't. It's not my job to assure you; it's supposed to be your job to make up for how you have hurt me. I was willing to try and heal things between us. But I expect you to meet me halfway." He paused to breathe. "Things were - are getting better between us. And then you go off and say something like that."

Blaise started twisting his fingers together. "It just - when I see you hurting, it kills me knowing that I'm the one responsible for it. I -" He looked up to meet his eyes. "- sometimes I feel like you'd be happier without me in your life."

"That's not true," Theo said forcefully. "I won't be happy without you. So please, just try, try to stay with me. Ask me what I'm thinking of, how I'm feeling. Just talk to me. That's all. Don't run away."

Blaise pulled his legs up on the bed, enclosing them between his arms. "Why are you so intent on keeping me? Wouldn't you be better off without me hanging around you like a whiny child?"

Theo rose to his feet, rolling his eyes. "Have you been listening to me at all? I just told you. You're not being brave, deciding to leave me. You're being the exact opposite."

"But I've hurt you so many times," Blaise looked at him with pleading eyes. "Even Corben. I know he'd much rather live with you than with me -"

"Then don't! Don't hurt me. Is that too much to ask?"

"- I'm just inherently a terrible person. Why won't you let me go?"

"Because I'm in fucking love with you!"

It took several seconds for Theo to realise what he'd uttered. Something heavy thumped inside his chest. But he felt a weight lift off his shoulders. It was a relief, saying it at last. The clenching inside his chest wasn't very reassuring though.

He covered his face with his hands. With the support of the bars around his fourposter bed, he slid down to the floor. He didn't want to look at Blaise. He couldn't. What would he see if he did?

After so long, it was out. At last. Despite the dread that gripped his spine, Theo felt that he could breathe freely for the first time in a long time. He let his hands fall and looked up. Blaise flitted his eyes away. "That wasn't how I imagined telling you," he said with a small laugh. It wasn't very convincing.

Blaise opened his mouth and closed it again. He stood. He looked around the dormitory as if he was hoping for a suitable response to jump out from the other three beds. He shuffled his feet on the floor. "I'll - uh - I have to go."

And he did. The door shut with a cruel and resounding bang behind him.

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welp